Jasper County Democrat, Volume 3, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 September 1900 — The Comic Side OF The News [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Comic Side OF The News

By next season the Kansas farmers probably will be plowing corn in shirt waists. One of the questions settled by the election is whose Maryland “My Maryland” really is. Unlike many of the people who come from there, lots of these Chinese stories won’t wash. The yellow peril has gone up against the white peril, and has discovered that there are others. The Chinese Empress will see to it that the number of her long-distance telephone is kept out of the directory. In regard to that little bill he owes us, the Turk seems to be perfectly willing that we should be the one to walk the floor. There is an misstatement in the assertion that the campaign liar is taking more rope than usual. He does not use rope, but yarn. Gen. Yung-Lu has sworn to kill every foreigner in China. He is liable to be a pretty old Lu by the time he gets the job finished. The Empress of China probably will be claiming the world’s long-distance championship presently, but see how much longer a track she has than Aggy or Oom. : If the Empress of China wants to follow in the footsteps of the illustrious Aguinaldo she will have to be killed or captured oftener. Ingenuity is still a steady habit in Connecticut. The latest evidence to that effect is the story of the nutmeg farmer who set a big cannon, duly loaded, at the edge of his watermelon field, with a string on the primer hitched to the biggest melon in the patch. The whole community was awakened by a big boom at midnight, and the following morning footprints seven feet six inches apart were found leading from the field.