Jasper County Democrat, Volume 1, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 December 1898 — MR. DOOLEY. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

MR. DOOLEY.

Territorial Expansion. “Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “we’ve got ’em.” < “Again?” said Mr. Hennessy, with a faint attempt at a joke. “Niver mind,” said Mr. Dooley. “We’ve got th’ Ph’lippeens. Th’ Spanyards withdhrew to th’ anti-room an’ says wan: through.’ Says another: ‘I say so, too. If let another dinner I’d bust. What do they want?’ ‘Th’ Ph’lippeens.’ ‘Will they take thim?’ ‘We’ll thry an’ see,’ An’ they come out, an’ says the chairman, Senyor Monte Rice, he says: ‘Oh, crool an’ avaricious foe,’ he says, ‘wretched vampires.’ he says, ‘that wud suck th’ las’ dhrop iv blood fr’m th’ fallen form iv poor Spain,’ he says. ‘We have no other recoorse,’ he says. ‘We must surrinder to ye,’ he says, ‘th’ brightest flower in th’ diadem iv lovely but busted Hispynolio,’ he saysf, ‘th’ Peril iv the Pass-ific is yours,’ he says. ‘Take it,’ he says, ‘ouless,’ he says, ‘ye’re such monsthers iv croblty that ye’d rayfuse,’ he says. An’ we’ve got th’ Ph’lippeens, Hinnissy; we’ve got thim th’ way Casey got the bulldog—be th’ teeth. “What’re we goin* to do with thim, says ye? That shows, Hinnissy. ye’re a mugwump. A mugwump’s a man that always wants to know what’s goin’ to happen nex’, an’ hopes it won’t. What d’ye think we’re goin’ to do with thim? Sthring Giim an’ vvear thim fr beads? Hinnissy, if all th’ people in this counthry was like th’ likes iv ye, they'd be on’y enough iv ye to hold a rayform meetin’ an’ ye’d be livin'in a baloon off th’ coast iv Maine. “As Hogan an’ McKinley both says: ‘Th’ nation’s in th’-hands iv th’ Lord, an’ll give -him what assistance it can spare fr’m its other jooties.’ Th’ first thing to lie done is to appint a sthrong ar-rmy iv officials that we can’t find annything f’r in this counthry. An’ ye think they’se no wan fit to conthrol a popylation iv naygurs.. I tell ye, anny man that’s sthrong enough to even think he can get a job turrnin’ a bridge in this counthry has force enough to be king iv th’ Ph’lippeens in wan year! ’Tis so. Well, some iv these la-ads ’ll be kilt an’ some’ll come home an’ thin wan day a la-ad that’s been bumped again in th’ sthreet car’ll sthretch himsilf an’ say: ‘Glory be, but this is a small counthry afther all,’ an’ he’ll sail away an’ he won’t have anny job to eat off an’ he’ll have to make a livin’ be lickin’ th’ poor, benighted haythens that we've got to lift up, an’ others like him'll go along afther him an’ whin th’ party con-vintion meets Aguinaldo O'Brien an’ Perforated Don Carlos Cassidy ’ll be contistin’ which ’ll cast th’ vote iv th’ imperyal state iv Ph’lippeens. “That's what’ll happen, Hinnissy. ’Tis not th’ la-ads th’ govmiut’ll sind out. but th’ la-ads that go out on their own hook, an’ have to fight to eat. Be hivins, Hinnissy, they’ll be great doin’s down there whin wan iv thim opprissed an’ tortured people that f’r hundhreds iv years have been undher th’ ir’n heel iv th’ tyrant gets gay with a la-ad that’s r-run a Bohemyan prim-ry in this counthry. ’Twill be like th’ foolish German man that escaped fr’m jail be jumpin’ frim th’ roof onto a picket fence. We’re a gr-reat civilizin’ agent, Hinnissy, an’ as Father Kelly says, *so’s th’ steam roller.’ An’ bein’ a quite man, , I’d rather be behind thin in fr-ront whin th’ sthreet has to be improved.” “ ’Twill cost a power of money,” said Mr. Hennessy, the prudent. “Expand, ixpind.” said Mr. Dooley. “That’s a joke, an’ I med it.” Copyright, 1898, by the Chicago Journal.