Jasper County Democrat, Volume 1, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 December 1898 — REPUBLICAN CATECHISM. [ARTICLE]

REPUBLICAN CATECHISM.

Examiner—What is politics? Student —The science of officegetting. “What is an office?” “The politician’s paradise.” “Do you believe in the theory of rotation in office?” “Certainly, when the fellow on the other side has the office.” “But supposing you had the of“In that case I should say that it is a mistaken policy to flip out an experienced man in order to put an inexperienced man in.” “What is the first duty of the politician?” “To get there.” “By any means, rightor wrong?” “All methods are right when we use them; it is only upon the other side that unlawful methods are employed.” “What is your idea of an honest politician?” “One who always votes as I do.” “Of what is a political speech composed?” “One part taffy, three parts generalities, four parts obfuscation, a small sprinkling of patriotic pathos, an anecdote or two, and the remainder abuse of the opposition.” “What is a rally?” “A gathering wnere speakers are engaged to flatter the men who came to hear them.” “But do political orators never voice their own convictions?” “Possibly. No man is perfect, not even a political speaker.” “Is money ever improperly used in election campaigns?” “Any money that is used in any way by the other side is improperly used.” “What is the politician’s cardinal virtue?” “Knowing what he wants.” “What is the royal road to preferment?” “A pull.” “And what is a pull.” “Knowing how to make all things work together for your own good.” “What is a boss?” “A' man who deals out bread crumbs in order that he may hog the pastry.” “What is an independent?” “A fellow who deserts from the other side to vote our ticket.” “What is a mugwump?” “A renegade from our party who votes for a candidate nominated by the other side.” “What is a roorback?” “A lie promulgated by the opposition.” * “What is a disclosure?” “One of our lies.” “Do you believe in a political milennium?” “I hope for it” “When will it come?” “When our fellows have all the offices.” “That will do. I perceive that you are well grounded in the science of politics, and your diploma will be mado out immediately.”