Indiana State Sentinel, Volume 27, Number 67, Indianapolis, Marion County, 27 November 1878 — Page 7

THE INDIANA STATE SENTINEL, TyEDNESDAY MOUNTING, NOVEMBER. 27, 1878.

7

HELL,

The Future Abode of the Wicked, PMlosophlcally Considered by Colonel Ingersoll. H.ats th Doctrine or tbe Orthodox diuretics, ana I Say Damn Sncn m Doctrine. Cincinnati Commercial. Pike's Opera Iloase was again packed, jammed and overflowing Wednesday night with an immense audience, attracted by the announcement that Colonel Robert Ingersoll would deliver a new lecture upon the rather startling, but at the same time delightful, subject of "Hell." Colonel Ingersoll commenced his lecture by saying: Ladies axdUotlemen In the republic of themludoueis a majority. In that republic all are sovereigns aud all ure equals. You can not be governed there even by a brute majority. In that republic every brow wears a crown, and every lorni 1 robed In the Imperial purple. Iu that republic only those are citizen who investigate for thenistlves. In that republic those ouly who appeal to brute force are traitor; those only who endeavor to suppreb.s thought are bad citizens. The church regards that republic with a sneer. From the teeth of hatred she draws bark the lips of scorn, and InsUts that even lu this the niueteeuth century man has no right to thiok lor liimse'f, Insist- that even In tuis aireweidiould be governed by the Ignorant myths of the dead aud buried pt, and insists that the world can be made better by teaching what Is false; that a lie Is a moKt excellent thing;that wenhould govern mankind through fears, and that the mistakes of thousands of years ago should t e still considered not ouly truths, but truths necessary to believe. Now I shall ask you all to-night and that's the only way to find out are the members of orthodox churches any better than other people? Let us be lair about this thing; are they as a class more truthlul than other people? Let us have athurch trial ana see bow they disagree as to their testimony. Are they an a class better bred; do they tieat their wives and children any better thau other peooie; is their financial standing In the community any better la there a bank in Cincinnati that will loan a solitary dollar on a church ceittflcate as collateral security T ILaughter.l Is there a man among yoa who taaes a Presbyterian deacon to the bank with you for fear if you don't the favor you ask. will be re. used? Do we find the most chanty in the pulpit, the greatest aud best hearts? Let us be honest in asking these questions, for thete orthodox members claim that there is such a Difference between them and us that they are going to the realms of eternal bliss, while we are to be eternally damned. A difference bearing such important retulta in another world ought to be vl-ible to the naked eye lu this. I Applause. They insist that if we take away their book there is no immortality left in this world. Is it possible that human nature is so low, so mean, bo corrupt that without a certain book we wl l all ru-h t crime and horror? Is it? I r books existed before man I might admit that they are belter than man, but that Is not the fact. Every book In this world was written by man, and every religion has teen the work of mau. Man in better than all the books, aud the inspiration that we see every day in every good and heroic act 1 better than all the inspiration of ail the books. But they say to us, "Do not disturb this book, because upon It we rent all our hop of a life to come " 1 deny It. Before the book cailed the Bible was written million- and millions of people in other countries longed for immortality ; millions and millions of people in other countries believed In tue Immortality oKbe soul, so that the doctrine f immortality does not rest upon the inspiration of any book. However liltie hope I might have for another world, I would hate to have it to rest upou that book or any other. The doctrine of immortality was born of human affection, and it will continue as long as love kisKes the lips of death. (Applause 1 Just as long as we love we will hope to live hereafter. And jet priests aud kings and tyrants and bigots have taken advantage or this splendid longing for another life to enslave the human soul app'ausej. and to make peoFie believe that liniuortalny rests upou a book. 1 1 am immortal, it is a fact in nature, and no book can change It. If I am to experience another life, I Khali not be Indebted for It to any creed, nor to any p lent, nor to any form of religion. I shall be In lehted to myself, f.-r if there is another world, the better 1 do here the better start 1 sbaii h vein the other. I Applause. Now, man. coming, up as I believe, from the lowr animal or that's the only way you can account lor this doctrine of h-ll, and all the snakes, and Jackals, ami hyenas aud buzzards and oilier unclean things that have been crammed into the orthodox religion received his religion from his barbarous ancestors be received his orthodosy from savage. The baib.rians l holding the appalling phenomena of nature thought that all good was produced by ome bf in?, and by good they meant anytalng that tended to their happiness, ho they gave to this imaginary being a local habi.ailon and a name. Then thev saw many things that displeased them, and experienced m tny thl gs that gave them pain aud olxcmnfort, so they createJ auo her being to attribute all their trials and calami ties to anoth-r being, not quite so stout as Clod, but making up in shrewdness what he lacked in strength, having fiends and all aorta of wicked instruments to do bis bidding. Kor thousands aud thousands of years man baa been upon his knees trying to escape one of these beings and placate the other. They have been taught to believe thai if they do not believe in the God of the Bible they will be turned over to the devil, t surh-r untold agonies In heil, not lor thousands, mil. lions, billions ofyears. but as long as that Uod rules In heaveu. We have inherited kome of these hellish ideas of Ignorance, ideas of barbarism, but we ouht to be grand enough In this couutry to think. We have beeu praying for thousands and thousands of years to Uod to helD mankind. They have been dehtroyed bv Destlience and by war. and their homes have been sweut away by the angry flood and the blazing lava of the dread volcano, and have prayed and offered ups crlflce for mercy, but Uod au never inwrrerea in a single instance. We must now r-ly upon our owu brain and courage, uuou ours-lves. If tnere were only oue Instance in the worlo's history where tirui helrxl mankind, with all my heart 1 would worship such a Uod. But for hundreds and thousxnds ot yt-ar men have enslaved each other, aud yet no Uod has Interferes The naked back of labor has been lacerated lor thousands and thousands of years, and yet no Ood has ever Interfered, so far as 1 know. Men have tried to advauce new ihongnts.and o her men have taken them and burned mem at the stake: the martyr has b-eu taken from the eell of the 1iiquisi Ion and burned to dost and there has beeu tio sweet pity In the heaven; none, noue, whste er. The time has come when man must depend nnnn htmnAlf. We are told this Uod loves US all, that His love and klndueas spread over a 1 His works, and tnt in an .iner worm tie win make na nanny. What rhfht have you 'O say that an Infinite Ben g a lii treat His creatures better elsewhere than Heroes here? Is there a necessity for another world S'niply to rectl'y the mistakes in tnls world? lAppau e I want to touch your beans to niaht. 1 want to tmich tliMiu so that vou will hate this In famousdes trine of a hell: i i that you will nate it as I do And I want you to under stand that I have i othlug pi rticular against the rulnltcr. Home of them are excellent people, ano their oppoMt on does not aumuut to enough tocreale milice. Applause. They teach us n w that there Is a Uod who made us all, aud who lutended hat we should all be irood. but that ur ancestors committed a crime. Tbattw, ihxt we tinned through a rep resentative. Now.il that man was our repr.Hentstlve wj 'lid i ot voi o 'or hi in. I was not nreaent at i'je convention tht nominated film, ami f would n.t have voted Tor him any hn ft au. titer and atD ause.l We were at that time unborn, aud anew nothing about the transaction. Bu It s eras thai through thu ina of that man we all de aerve eternal he k a very fine compliment la that to the nvciianisra of od Kvervnodv deserves ti b e er ally damned? I that the best your U al can do? Is that the best man lie cau md-, th-tt inut be damned as he comes from Hl plasih; hand aud cst inin er vr!.tin? Doe-. It show any wisdom making human beings lu order to daiuu them? Ixea it show :n g'Hjiir e' to mate any iu-1 for hell? But we are a' I to b damned for siunlmr against an luflnl'-e belr g. Mur. i i note iicelveof a finite sin realvinir infinite KUiiUhimril. When I com mlt a sin agd.isl my brother. It Is nothing to n,.ihaiii.iuvii."I fonclve you." I must hknmvhmthir'i oardou atd my owu well. I utter y deby the proposition that any finiK iu.ii. niinmil a ln agalust au Ini! ibini Tin IiImm is. the Kretter a finite helD the a ei.tr r th cr me. Their idea is that the rnome. t you leave this world and get into the actual r-ence ol Ood there Is no chance fo' reformation. Uod can't do anytuli.g except through the instrumentality of the parson or of tne Bible, and when you get wnere Ood lives, there is nothing Us can do for your case. Yoa wLi SUUid great deal better

chance to be reformed by the myths and mysteries of the Bible than by being called luto the actual presence of Jesus Christ himself.

No man deserves neavm, oui ail ueserve hell, and the only way to get to heaven Is through the agency ol another person. Thev say the law was violated. Where did this law come from? Was it a law Ood mtdeT or was it alaw that was on nanar lenuis law must be satisfied. Think or the law going up and down the earth moaning for satisfaction. Then thev tell n that another man has made redemption possible for us by suffering In ib place of the wicked. What kind of a man is it that would want to take advantage of a re demption of that kind, and what nortoi a ruler would you minx nim wno wouiu urorpi of such an atonement! Suppose a man naa been convicted of murder and sentenced to be hanged, and another man should step up on the day fixed for the execution and sy:MiIere :s a heaitny man witn a lamuy; am uo healthy man and have no family, and I will take his place upon the guliows;' wnai would you think of the governor who would say. All right; let the man take the criminal's ... - . . . . - it..., .... ...a. place I lAppiaune.j is it josaioie lunv mui. i right? Yet that has been preached for years. Thedoctrlue of hell has been preached lor hundreds and hundreds of years, and we nave been told that millions and billions of years before the innocent babe was born into tms world Uod knew it was to be cast into hell-fire and had arranged all the details of its damna tion. What a cneeriui doctrine mat is. aiiu yet people say to me, Wuy do you attempt to take away our consolation f laughter aud applause ; why shock our holiest ideas? Why take the blessed tidings of Uod to man away from us? They would a thousand times rather that there should be no heaven than that there should be no hell. Applause.) These are the tidings that they preach to you, and I expect, I believe, tey believe these thiugs themselves. The went to work to save man from the clutches of an angry Uod, and the means they adopted weie to fright n him wlt't the belU-f that Uod would take his naked soul and dash it int t hell Of course they say Ood Is all goodness and loveliness and kindness, but they aso say you had better look out when you get into His actual presence. And they tit out missionaries and send them thousands a nd thousands of miles away to carry these glad tidings to the hethen. They want them to have religion witn an me modern improvements, and one that will punish their enemies. But who goes to bell? ot the rich, and the comfortable, who swli. dle all the wek and soua e themselves at church on Sunday ; they are wen enougn on, anu say. -.o neu ior nie, If you please; give that to the poor." So that at last the only class we get Into hell is the tramps. Nobody goes to hell himself; It is alwaya somebojy elae, particularly tnope we hate. But th-se orthodox gentlemen say, "Why don't you have some respect for our reelings?" I go into one or ineir cnurcnes that is. In my mind's eye I do and they tell me I am going to hell. It seems to me I ought to have some feelings on that s object. It seems to me I would have more reason to feel hurt, Earticularly if I told them before there is no ell. Poets of strong Imagination and a great gift of language have given us graphic descriptions of hell, and eminent painters have depicted It in all Its horrors. Some time ago be had seen in the church where Shakspeare is burled, at Stratrord-upon-Avon, a very vivid picture oi neu. in inis picture a train of wicked are rep esented aa passing in doleful procession dowu the throat of an immense devil. There were caldrons In which tne lost ones simmered aud boiled, and grates upon which they blistered and roasted. There were devils pouring in pitch upon the victims, aud a nine uevu stirring tne grate 10 keep up a good draught. In one corner a number of the blessed appeared with a holy grin upon their countenances, extending from ear to ear, aa lr they would say, '-Ah, didu't we tell you so? now uo you nae it as Mr as you've got?" 1 Great laugh ter.l All this to show the love of Uod. 1 never saw such a nldeotTH, selfish thing iu my life. This doctrine of neu was so savage rna- ii, had to be modified to some extent, and so the doctrine of atonement was Invented. It was said all we have to do la to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. Nobody knows what that means. I don't. Believe what? And what good would it do? A mm might believe In Jesus Cnrlst and yet be a murder r. There has not k'tn a man hanaed in the United Htates for the last one hundred yesrs that has not believed in Jesus Christ, and most f thru have ueclared on the scaffold that they were g log right straight to Jesus Christ that veiy day. Applause. A man must believe In a certain thing or be eternallv damned; but if he believes and is sorry, then li will be ssved. There was a man hanged in Man Francisco Home time ago for cutting girl's throat. As he thrust the keen knife into the white throat she Implored him to spare her, as she was not prepared to die. A gr?at effort was made to obtain the release ol this monster, but all appeals failed, anil then he got religion. They generally do about that time He m ule a speech from the gallows in which he said he was going to heaven, and that the only thing that made him feel bad was that he wouM not meet the woman he had killed because fche was no, a Christian. I suppose up lu heaven, if the music gets a 1 ttle monotonous, and lie should desire aiother thrill of Joy, that all he will have to do 's to go and look over and see the woman he murdered writhing In the agonies or hell. Does anybody want to support that doctrine? I never will, never, never, never! And with nil due respect to every lady and gentleman here, 1 say damn such a doctrine, laughter and cheers.) l)ow anyr.ody mean to tell me that none but Christians gofoheaven? llavejou n.'ver known a good fellow to die who was not a Christian, and whom you could not bear to think of as being lu hell? Aud have u never known a woman who had worn herself out in the service of her husband and childien, whom you could not think ot aa being in hell while her orthodox husband was In heaven, simply her a use he believed and she Old not On the battlefield I saw a brave boy, not sixteen years old, shot down in Ills struggle to aeet the flag of his country from being trailed In the dust. He died with a curse upou his lips, but he died with a picture of his mother In his heart, and he died lor the right, for liberty and lor progress. Do yen mean to tell me that tint boyVsoul went straight to the abysses of hell? I pronounce it an infamous lie. (Aipiause lean not belieVH In any such doctrine. I believe with an old Universalis minister-and I must say I respect the Unlversallsts because their Uod Is at least a gentleman and not a devll-I believe with ttie geuilem in who a d, I can not help thinking that the latch-string wli hsngoul until the last joung oue comes home." Applause. Colonel Ingersoll continued that thousands of people were in iuuaue asvlums to day In cousequene - of the preaching of the horrible doctrine of hell, lu the car-, not long ao, a wild-looking yonng man came up to him and asked whether he bad any objections to his sitting lesiie him. lie replied, "None whatever," and the young mau hi down, saying, M You look so rested that it's a comfort to be m ar you." Hesild."My moth- r put an arrow In my heart. (She taught me the doctrlue of bell." Colonel Iuger-oli iald the mother ws foolish ; there wano hell: It had been abolished. The young man told him further that he h id Jus' esciped from the In sane asylum the mailt before, and the colonel gave htm instructions to guide him In msnlug his escape. He had b-coriiM eras' on learning of the love of ul. Hemetsu-Mi p ile every day. This doctrine o.d not affect the vlcl u-, it only affected the tender hearted, the. affectionate mother and the sweet Utile child He had attend- d a protracU-d meet 1 ug once, lust i r a little wnn, a? a nau thought ntmaeir iu B dlam Ministers were haranguing the lite outol their audiences, and littl - girls, ten and twelve y- ars old, wt re coming forward to be Diaved for. They mix hi h ive be iieattnxlu or taking a lump of sugar when their mm hers' backs wer turned, or they might nav gone to a neighbor's and promised io be back at 2 o'clock, and staid until 8. And there were old men. with aa many sins to account for as these children weie days o'd. down upon their knee praying for tbein and imploring th lxrd to break down their he hah pride. And there were others wtio were tiling It em that they had ciUi-lned Christ, and had drlvnn nails into Illshanosaud IuioHik f et until the poor little cr stores were loaled to the earth with a s-nse. of their torrlble in anities. On. It i Inf tmoits t No pa ent should allow his ch Id to hear such things. (Cheers.! I feel like cheering you. my irlen 'a. When 1 fiud a mm or woman who ay, "I will not allow my little daughter l ) hear thean frightful lb s If I can prevent l until she knows better than to believe tl.m," I feel like ceee 1iir. It la monstrous that, little children should be taught that there Is a great big Uod around Tying to get a sight on them fur otn childish fault. I be-eech on never to give a dollar to build a church whrre t. e doctrine of hell Is to be pr ached; if you ever get a chance to tax that property, tax It. (Applause. A Implore y- u men and women never to give a solitary dlUr to te ch Mat doctrine; tin not give a solitary cent to the mission iry cmi. to carry thai hellish news ro the heathen. Do not evertske a paper ihst deft-tv's thnt doctrin-; do not py a cent directly or Indirectly lor the propagation of that l.'iflaile horror. If there Is any Uod it Is bl taphemy to say there Is any hell ; If there Is sny humaulty, 11 la blasphemy to say that we can be happy In heaven with those we love In hell. (4pplaue. I wsut to spend the next world with the folks I love In this. I am going to stick to t hern. If I can. I think more of my wife and tny children t han I do of any Ood, because I do not know Hint and I do them. (Applause. I want the?-society, nod If we go down with tne ship of the world In chaos and death I will not push them away. We will go down together. I never will paddle off In Nome little orthodox came. I never a sot to get so good that 1 won't love the one Hove now,

and I never want to rise above human ties: and lu after life I dout want a little patch of tog pointed out to me as my grandmother, and another piece of fog aa my grandfather. That went do for me. Laughter.) I want to kLow my folks as I knew them here. If my affections are not immortal I do not want to be immortal, for what's the nse of the intellect surviving our best and holiest emotions. And yet we are told that we are all going to hell. I was told on the cars the other day that there Is where I was heading. A clergyman told me so. I said, "I will bet you fifty dollars I don't go to hell." Said he, "Oh, well that's not a betting point; it never eould be decided." "Well," I said, "that my bet; put up or shut up." ILaughter and cheers. Now, I want all you ladies and gentlemen here to-night to form yourselves into a mlsslonrry society to meet this doctrlue of hell Just thai way. I want them, when a man tells them that they will surely be damned if they do not believe in all the theological rubbish that is gleaned from the Bible, to flatly say that they dont believe any such doctrine, and I want them to fight It out. Voice from the gallery "What do yoa believe?" Col nel Ingersoll About what?" Voice "Well, what do you believe, that's the question?" Colonel Iogersoll I believe that you do not understand your own question, i Cheers. 1 believe bat a good action is better than a good theory. I believe that a man who does rightjwlth a bad theory is a great deal better than one who does wrong with a good one. I believe that a man who loves his wife and children, and does the best he knows how according to his guides, Is belter than one who maintains the church and does not do these things. I believe If there is any Uod he la as good as I am, aud if he is as good aa I am he will never damn anybody until be gives them a fstr chance. IC'heers.) f be Hove the Garden of Kden Is lu front, and tnat man is getting better as the wond grows older. 1 do not believe that prisons aud scaffolds will forever dl-flgure the earth, nor that the withered hand will always be extended for charity. I do not believe that any man who is honest and who is willing to help himself will be allowed to want. I believe the time is coming when we shall all be tre-r and happier, and that too with the flames of hell stamped out under our

leet. OLD HICKORY. The Cot too Bales and "Beauty and Booty fstorlcM. The Her. K. A. Renout contributes to the New York Observer a sketch of a visit to General Andrew Jackson at "the Her mitage," near Nashville. Tennessee, In 1843. Of incidents connected with tbe battle of New Orleans he relates the following: "I asked the general to what extent bales of cotton bad been employed in his hld breastworks. He replied that this little incident had been absurdly exaggerated. When tbe British were about to advance upon tbe American lines, the works were Dot quite completed, and there was a gap of only a tew yards. The materials most ready at hand were naturally employed to close it, and thtse proved to be a few cotton bales which were hastily covered with earth. O' course, if there bad been time to complete the ditch, such materials would not bare been employed. ''While speaking of the eve Dts connected with the celebrated battle, I observed that I should like to kiiow tbe truth about that notorious watchword of the British army 'Beauty and booty' adding that I had never believed in its existence. The general, look log grave, replied: 'It is true; such was the watchword.' 'That you believe it to be so, sir,' I replied, 'I have do doubt; but, in a matter of some historical importance, you will pardon me if I ak for your prafs.' Certainly, sir,' he replied. 'I saw it in the British orderly book which fell into our hands after the bittle.' As I had real of Wellington's strict discipline in Spain and rortui;a!, I replied: 'May it not have been possible that this was inserted by some tube ditiate officer without the knowledge of the commander-in-chief? General Jackson anser'd very delilera'ely that in all the civi izr-d armies the invariable practice was that tbe officer In tbe Bel J, tbe highest in command, should give tbe watchword. Shoald a subordinate officer murp this duty he would iDCur tbe risk of being Bhot. This was conclusive, and the subject was not pursued further. At'er the battle the general taw that by a flig of truce he returned the watches, purses, swords aud other personal effects of tbe British officers who had fallen. That such a watchword as the above should have ben Issued can only ba explained by the ehame an i indignation felt by General Pakenbatn at having been so completely outgeneraled by Jackson's diplomacy." Auai r won ex. Mary Walker is lecturing. Professional waltzers are becoming numerous. Why does a woman hold tip one side of her dress io walking especially if there's no mud? Tuere is a $700,000 heiress in the Ohio Insine Asylum. Young man! well, do just as you like about It. The prettiest women at the ball given by the minister of foreign aflairs recently in Paris were Americaiis. When the sultan loses his temper tbe ladles of the household speak of him as the harem-ccare 'em fellow. That Oil City girl who was frightened to death by Hump'y Du-npty was in on a free ticket Detroit Pee Press. Vassar College girls are fond of vocal music "Gum, oh mm with me" is their favorite Chewin'. Whitehall Times. With nowder on her face and bullet but tons on ber gown, the girl of tbe period is a dangerous character. raimage. The girls like the new song, "rut your armor on, ray hoys. It sounds so much like "Put your arm around me, boys." " It is the season of fairs, and there is a young man In town who holds one every ounuay uigui runu uu uav iwriuimr. Mr. P.anroft recently presented the lady who reals the proof of his work with $50 tr discovering an error in a Latin quota tlon. A man bss recently Invented an apparatus .i t . u lur arrei'ing aim riuuuii'iiiiik ei'tnin. dig the girls going to stand that? Scientific American. Mr. 8. N. Pike, formerly of Cincinnati! widow of the builder of the Opera House, Is living in Paris, where ber diamonds attract considerable attention. Now they call Harriet Ilosmer a "Woman Inven'or." Don't believe a word of it I Har riet has never Inve ntfd a woman. Tell that to the Iloimetines Philadelphia Bulletin. Mm wsnts hut little here below, says the EIruira Gazette, but a woman wsnts most everything be ses her neighbor have exoepting her tooth brush and youngest baby. "The worst dose of 'hop bitters' I ever had," said a young man, "was the other n ght. when I took a girl to a hop and some other fellow danced with her every et. Nw Htven claim th g'rl of the. Boston Post. Albany has her a Albany Ar gus. .Now all the other cities win up and t stones about their -ring girls. Worcester Gsiette. A railroad brake man in St. Louis dreamed he heard f h !o')g whittle, and nearly twist ed bis wife's ear off. His wife said re might reverse her ''switch," but she would rather not have her ears taken for engineers. Another one of those things that no fellow can find tut Is, why a man's wife thinks he cares nothing for preserves and other choice dainties save when she has 'companv" for supper. Oil City Derrick. Mrs. 8illie Ward Armstrong, of Kentucky, is, it is reported, about to be married for the fourth time. The gentleman se is to marry is Mr. IVwns, a merchant of Louisville. Tbe sympathies of the American people are always with the man who turns up aa No. i.

WIT AND limOR,

Tollce court well, they da Danbury News. Washington pie is s, sort of dodo. Rob Creighton. Why do the horns of a cow grow np and the tail down? A good rambler is known by his chips. Bradford Breele. Why is it a policeman always collars a man and cuffj a hoy? Why are roosters classed by poultry deal ers as spring chickens? A very charitable gentleman Is Benny Factor. Reynolds Herald. Tbe gander that doesa't prepare for thanks giving is a goose. Free Press. No Irishman has a sinking of the heart as long as there's a bit of Cork in him. The favorite dish with impecunious swells is woodcock on trust Pittsburg Telegraph. Chin Lan Pin has a Chinese paper sent to him regularly. It is a little paper of Pin's. The letter D Is truly an old salt been followicg the C for years. Boston Transcript, The parserapher who beard Dernosthenese may have heard Meniikoff. Edinburg Her ald. A perspicuous Vermont legislator paid in a speech: "My wife, who is a married wo man A country editor in Illinois writes: "We are having hog cholera." New Orleans Tlca yune. Danbury News Whisky is about the only enemy man has succeeded in really loving. There ought to be a lightning rod invented that would ward off a donation party. Milwaukee Sun. New York Times: "To what base use do we come at last?" as the shingle said to the upturned boy. Of all the sad words of tongue or pen, the paddest are these: "They scooped me. Ben." Graphic, Isn't it queer how all the smoke in a stove will find its way to one little crack and come out? Bellaire I honograpb. Phrigtmaa Is near at hand. Have Your stockings darned 83 there will be no need of darning on Christmas morning. There is no better anti-fat remedy than poor whisky; it will make a man lean in a short time. -Syracuse Sunday Times. Song of the Afghan warrior: "Fe, 11, fo, fura, I smell the blood of an Englishman." According to the Danielsonvill Sentinel tbe simple, solemn, sober, snoring, salubrious aud sophisticated snoozer still slumbers. A chap who runs a two-billiard table es tablisbment boasts elsewhere that he owns a handsome pair of biize. Newark Sunday Call. My gracious, this boy has neither hair nor teeth! I shall have to provide some for him at once. Professor Edison, per Buffalo Express. Some of the denizens of this world are like greased boots very serviceable, but Incapable of receiving a polish. Bellaire Phonograph. A Kentucky editor says that in one week be was addressed as "Governor," "General," "Colonel," "Msjor," "Parsou" and "Old Hoss." The New York Herald calls Tal mage's sensations "low neck sermons." The Herald is too high in ltd estimate. Whitehall Times. Says the Hackensack Republican: "The man who sat down on the coal sifter, rose from the ashes, like the phoenix of old, and dusted." Here, lad! bring forth the trusty file. We want to fanilllarizs ourselves with tbe ingredients of tbe thanksgiving joke. Oil City D.rrick. "Goats consume time," says an observant cotemporary. Yes; they consume every thing but eternity. Popular Science Monthly. A grocer "caught in tbe act" explained that he gave short weight because his customers gave him long wait for his pay. Cattskill Recorder. A Boston widow, residing at (he north end, keeps a Swedish boarding house. Her boarders are called the widow's Swedes. SomerVille Journal. Boston Times: James Gordon Bennett is in St Petersburg. Perhaps he is consoling himself for the loi-s of Mifs May, with the aid of Borne Charlotte Russe. Shakespeare at a transpontine theater in London "Me lud! theduke of Bucklnkbam 'as hsrrived!" "'As'e? Be hevings, then horf with 's bl ars ted 'ead!" "Is your master up?"aked an early visitor of nobleman's valet "Yes, sir," auswered the valet with great innocence; "tbe butler and I carried him up about 3 o'clock." Mr. Evarts, in a confidential conversation mithaTinies ambassador, admitted that he experienced a savtg, unchristian delight in spanking England with her own butter paddle. London Times. A bad actor 'to Macready "Mr. Macready, you don't seem to remember me. I once played Iago to your Othello at tbe Bath Theater." Macready to bad actor "Remember you? v I shall never forget you." "What is a solid?" asked a teacher. After two or tbree future presidents bad failed to give a tatisfactory definition a boy whose lather takes an interest in politics said, "I Know, mum; the south." Cuicago Journal. The Boston Advertiser wants to know tbe reason why there is no pleasure in smoking in tbe dark. We will give the reason if tbe Advertiser will promise not to tell. It is because one can not eDjoy a smoke until he has a light When Bob Ingersoll was lecturing on "Hell" in a Maine town, a man arose in the center of tbe ball and shouted in stentorian tores: "This ere hall is bot as. Can't the jni tor open the windows and let some air ventilate through?" A physician, finding a lady reading "Twelfth N ght" said: "When 8hakspesre wrote about patience on a monument did he uofan doctor's patients?" "No," the answered; "you don't lind them on monuments, but under them." In a certain street are three tailors. The first to set up. shop hung out this sign: "Here Is the best tailor in this town." Tne next put up: "Here is the best tailor in the world" The third simply bad this: "Here is the best tailor in this street." Probably the beat way to put a stop fo this grave robbery business would be in every case where a grave is rifled to fill the vacancy promptly with a med:cal studentBurlington Hawkeye. There is further merit in the proposition. The plan, if faithfully carried out, would tend to greatly diminish tbe number ot gravis. Sioux City JournaL John McOulIough was at one time playing "Vlrginlus" in Syracuse, N. Y. Iu the drama occurs the line, "There is no public virtue left in Syracuse." Scarcely bad tbe tragedian sounded the words, wben a man in the purquetterprang to his feet, exclaiming, "No, by Jingo, nor in Utlky either." What is an editor? An editor's bizness is to write editorials, grind out poetry, sort manuscript, keep a mighty big wast basket

steal matter, fite other people's battles, take white beans and aople sass for pay when he can get it, work nineteen hours out of the twenty four, and be damned by everybobv. Josh Billings.

COOK'S LECmitES Tbe Rer. Josepb on Seeret Socialistic Societies.' The Rev. Joseph Cook delivered a lecture fn Tremont Temple, Boston, Monday evening, on "Secret Socialistic Societies." He said: "I undertake to tell the corrupt classes at tbe bottom of our cities that if they once thoroughly alarm capital in this country it will treat them with as much severity as ever any throne in Europe did. We shall keep order roughly here, for we are all capitalists or expect to be. Alarm capital; let it be understood that there is real danger from socialistic organizations; let some hand grip the throit cf our great railroad intercommunications, and when capital is once aroused it will not be held back here as it ia in Europe Bome times, by the feeliDg that after all the poor have been abused. Wben uprisings occur in Europe kings tremble, because they know they have no right to be kings; bat the people of this country know that they have the right to win their own fortunes." He compared a republic to a raft and a monarchy to a man-of-war, and said: "We will build tbe raft up nnder our our feet until there is dry land for us all." The closing part of the lecture was devoted to a consideration of the several secret political societies In thiscountrv. The r 'tunantof the Paris rommuDehe dismissed as of little consequence. The German Socialists he regarded as of more importance, as they claimed to number 80.000 voters; but the order to which he attached the most significance was the Knights of Labor, which he said was credited with 800,000 voters as members. This order was not thoroughly socialistic, oui mtpui easily ce made so. He said that it wti composed of Americans, and he thanked the Catholic Church for the effort whictf it has made so successfully to keep those of its faith out of secret societies. He predicted that with 2,000,000 of men idle and 1.500,000 of voters in secret societies, great distrets would come upon society unlets the difficulties which arise are met with fair discussion, justice ami Christian philanthropy. On a pleasant fall day some persons will thoughtlessly expose themselves as in summer, and take a severe cold. For such, immediate relief offers itself in Dr. Bull's Cough 8yrop. 25 cents a bottle. POROUS PLASTERS. I MT1 1 f 0 IS THE BEST KIND. Tals remarkable article contains all the val uable qualities of the slow acting common porous plaster and iu addition an entirely new combination of active vegetable ingredients irom wnicn u derives its wonaerrui pain relieving, strengthening and curative properties. It relieves pain almost immediately and cures where other rl astern will not even re lieve. The manufacturers of Benson 'aCapclne rorous riaier were awarueu the highest and only medal of merit given for plasters at the Centennial, 187a. Your family physician will confirm our statement regirdlng its great menu For Lame and Weak Back, Kidney Disease, Rheumatism, Stubborn anil Neglected CoMa Lung and Chest Difficulties, tbe Lameness and Weakneas peculiar to Women. Nervoua Aneo Hons of the Heart, Chills and Fever, Sciatica and Lumbago, Diseases of Children, aucu aa Whooping Cough, Colds and Croup (when ap plied in its earlier stages), and all Loo tl Aches and Pains of Young or Old. IT IS SIMPLY THE BEST REMEDY EVER DEVISED OR KNOWN. BENSON'S CAPCINE POROUS PLASTER. There is no other remedy so well adapted for ine auo re cias oi ailments, ino oiner remedy ceotalns tne same combination of medicinal ingredlenta. Renson'a Capcioe Porous Piaster is positively lar superior to common porous planters, and to all other external remedies including UnlmentH,and the ao-called electrical apnllances. its powerful Influence is felt al most at the first moment of application.-It gives relief, comfort, utreng'h aud life to the aftl cted. It M near and convenient, a'ao pleas ant to wear, as it creates merely a sensation of gentle and stimulating warmth. C'AUUON. There are fraudulent and worthless Imlta tlous of Benson's Ca peine Porous P aster in the market. One In partleu'ar. having a similar bounding name, contains lead poisons. Each genuine Fenson'a Ca peine Porous Plaster has the word t apclne spelled C-A-P-C-i-N-E. laae no otner. SOLD BY LL DRUGGISTS. Price 25 Cts. GRAND DISTRIBUTION I Commonwealth Distribution Co., Legalized by the Common wealth of Kentucky and super v laid by Hon. It. C Wlntet smith, t, i-i iv as., uens. l. A. Harris, and other prominent citizens that n-ay be designated by ticket holders, will hold their NIXril POPULAR DRAWING In Public Library Hall, Loaisvdle, Ky.,on Saturday. Nov. 30th, 1878. NO SCALING ! NO POSTPONEMENT! Nearly 2,000 Prlsea Aggregating; 115,400 IN CASH. AND TICKETS ONLY f2. In conseqience of its populsxlty, and In compliance wilh request of numerous ticket buyera, the management again presenltbe following attractive and UNPRECEDENTED SCHEME!! 1 Prize... 1 Prize... 1 Prize... Sfl.OOO lo.trno Stilt) 10,000 1",U0 ln,uuu 15,t40 10.UK) 10,14X1 10 Prizes of 1,0U0 each... 20 Prizes of 600 each . 1W Prizes of luO each...... 60 each 20 eacn .. 10 each i.. Prizes of 5no Prize of 1,000 Prizes O' APPROXIMATION PRIZES. V Prlr.es of $. each 9 Prizes of 200 each 4 2TOf 9 Prizes of 1U0 each...... vuo 1,900 Prizes SI 15,406 Whole Tickets, 2. Half Tickets, $1. ZT TIckeU, 150. to Ticket, 1100. Remit by Pot Offlce Money Older, registered letter, bank draft or express. Full list of drawings published In Louisville CourierJournal and New York Herald, aud mailed to all ticket holders. For ticket an i Information address COMMONWEALTH DINTKIHUTION CO. or T.J.COtfMERr'ORD. Mcretary, Courier-Journal building Louisville, Ky., or J. T. WOODWARD, 15 Norih Illinois street, Indianapolis, Ind. am In m y y-mri lo I b.v.cuird ilimi,ivu vi twi m iu. u,at kind and ol long turtliir.iid III (v ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS c- It will not run vt (rrUjr tettuu. luilmi, so ctroaf UnUllk, I wlHatad ONE BOTTLE FREE, fawthrr with ttlnabU trrallM, in knf (ultVrrra Jdrln wi, giving ttralr Ban, Htu ii4 r. O. l ln-aa. I'lnw haw Mils let u-1 to.ntron yun know who I. Mffiinc ia ll I arril !', and nbltf, KawpvctflUlf 7ra, DR. H. C. ROOT fkAKL ST., M. T. consumption; Cause, Treatment aud Curability. Khor treaties sent free to any add Mas. DR. SMITH. No. 15 Kaat FlfteentA sU, H f York.

m

The BL AX CHARD BLOOD & NERVE FOOD

la a Pur Ooiiemtrate! I.IQTJID Fo1 prlMirei eiireeuj' from tbe WHEAT KERNED, Wltbowt Perineal rat Ion. aaxl retaialnsc all of ita BLOOD, SEBTX A5JB BRAIX Restoring elements tm m smtural atat or TltalrsHtloB). NERVOUS DEBILITY Which underlies all rorms or Chrome Disease is speedily overcome by tbe use of this Food. 0 For the veae nut T h,n Hunia.ilw scribed Tbe Blaaehard KImm1 and Nma Food to my patients of all aites, from eighteen months to eighty-three years. In every case tbe result has been exactly that claimed bv yoa. It is by far the most valuable and reli able, xome I have ever met wl h. U)WAU) mutton hmith, M. IX, 20 Irving Place, New York. 100 AT LAST DRUGS A SUBSTITUTE tor FOOT) Iff TTaAl1 A iHivaHva a. Vx tratiou and artificial digestion, and it is so di,u m iviicnuua inai me aaf if ui ThnufULniia ct rAAAUAvLa w.m akMni. ' vo-v v a. a tlUlU Ill Jll II I If paf," are. reported, where the beat medical ttlrlll riot ralLI Dam 1 1 co iniiru. Many of the best physicians throughout tb country are Dtaeartlliitc Ornm and using the Itlancrtard Hloort aud Aerve rood witu iue moargraiiiying results, permanently relieving all forms of Physical aud Mental Debility. The Iypptle null l ant.inp. live Pa 1 1 ent, sufferers from Malarial or a A a a a . .. "" rwwniDn, weemer wit rv tne entire list of complaints peculiar to the Female Nex find In the use of this Food Bure and speedT relief. New York, November 28, 1877. Dr. V. W. Blanchakd: During the past yeas I have prescribed your various preparations of Food Cure, and feel happy to say they have, met my moat sanguine expectations, giving to patients long enfeebled by blood poison, chronic disease, or over drug dosing the needed nutrition and nerve force. Prof. CLEM EN CE 8. LOZIER, M. DM Dean of Horn. Med. College and Hospital for Women, New York City. O Hundreds of cases of Brttrht's Ilaa of tbe Kidneys have been reported cured. For Nenrala-le ant Bhenmnflc Dlaeaaea It is almost a specific. Physical and Mental Debility from the nse of Alcohol, Oplnm sad Tobacco or from any annamable cause, find ia this Food a natural and potent remedy. FOB TDE INTELLECTUAL WORKER THE BLA1YC1IARD BLOOD & NERVE FOOD Affords a certain and natural means of supplying the waate of the brain resulting from labor that will enable him to do better and more work than ever before, without danger of mental Btrain. As a remedy for the Loas of Appetite and Wasit of laor, physical and mental, la children, this Food baa no rival. $1.00 per Bottle, or 6 for $5.00. SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. , Or Sent by Express on receipt of Price. o Akdover Theological Pfmiwart, Andovik, Mass., March 22, 1878. Your Life Food is an excellent thing. Ihava no hesitation, after a thorough trial of it. In recommending It in cases of chronic dyspepsia and nervous tr-vit ration. Rav. Dr. AUSTIN PHELPS TI1E BLANCH A RD FOOD CUR HTsiEM now receiving such popular app elation is clearly set forth in a 6t page pa n phlet which will be sent to any address on receipt Of 25 centa. Address Blanchard Food Cure Co. 27 UNION MIT ARE, NEW TOUR. no more: OR GOUT SAC ACUTEOR CHRONIC A LI CYLI CtUV SURE CURE. m m Manufactured by the EUROPEAN SALICYLIC MEDICINE CO. OF PARIS AND LK1PZIU. Compounded from the Kallcvllc Acid discovered by Prof. Kolbe.of Leipzig, Germany. Relieves Immediately. Cures Permanentlj. Now exclusively used bv all the celebrated PHYSICIANS OF LUHOPK AND AMERICA. Now being Introduced throukhout the United Htates and Canada, many miraculous cure having been niHde The highest MEDICAL ACADKMYof PARIS reports cures out of l 0 ca s within S daya. Only Ellmiuator of Ulric Arid in the Blood, whicn is the prime cause of Rheumatism ana Uout. Boxes contain SO powders, with full directions, 11 a box; 6 boxes, 16. bent to any address on receipt ot price. He. "Ure to order enough to complete cure. Ask your Druggist for it. Address WASHBURNE & CO., Only Importers, Depot 23 Gilff fet., New York. (Letter from where Rheumatic Sufferers Congregate for Relief.) Your Medlelne is curing my s-vere Rheumatism successfully, and would havet-aved all expt nse of coming hem had k no wn of it before. CHAS. K. THORN E. Hot Springs, Arkauas, 8ept W. Bakes, IIoro & Hendricks, Attorneys. STATE OF INDIANA, Marion County, as. Iu iheHupertorcourtof Marlon county, in the Htate of Indiana. No. 1J, 32. November term, 1878. - Jonathan Edwards, trustee, v. Enoch Baker, Henry D. KtrtngT, lxulca Stringer, but wile, William Burd, C. 8idn. y Norils, Richard Cromwell, Frank B..81oau, D . . Kendall et a'. Be it known, that on the 16th day of September, 1878, the above named plaintiff, by bis attorneys, tiled In the ofllce of i be clerk of the Huperlor court or Marlon con my, in toe Mate ol Indiana, bis complaint Hgalmt the above named defendants, and on the 7th day of November, 1878, the Raid plaintiff filed In said clerk's vfhee the affidavit of a competent person showing that bald def ndaht, Henry D. Stringer, LculMt Stringer, his wi'e, William Hnrd. C. Sidney Norrla, Ricnard Cromwell, Frank B.Sloan aud W. Kendall, are not residents o the state of IudUi.a. Now therefore, by order of said court, said defendants last above named are hereby uotlfled or the filing and pendency of said complaint against them, and that unl.sathey appear and answer or demur theieto, at the calling of said cause on the sixth dav or January, I87i. the same being the fj rat Judicial day of the term of Mid court, to be begun nd held at the court house in the. city of Indianapolis. on the first Monday in Jxnuarv. 1879. said complaint, and the matters aud things therein contained and alleged, will be h Hard and determined in their abr ce DAMfcX M. KANSDELL, novl3 3w Clerk. Cared Within m Kllpalaied Tiiue. m fflniji Truss Co.,ffiKra2s ery, N. Yoffer SUKtUfora rupture they cannot cure. The Triumph Trusea have received the highest, honors at all fairs where they have been exhibited. Send 10 cents for boos on t ha Cure of Rupture to either ofllce. Examinations rree.

sssDiSTonED. HI. tfAJaJaVU, Xta Baa C"i vtacea. It.