Indiana Republican, Volume 1, Number 49, Madison, Jefferson County, 15 November 1817 — Page 4

MISCELLANEOUS.

COMIC SKETCH...

.Some men speak before they think, others tediously study ev:ry word they utter. Sonic men are mute from having nothing to ay ; some should be mute because they say nothing to the purpose. -Some men say nothing to their wives, and others would be extremely happy if their wives, said nothing to them. ' ' 1 .There are a, set of persons who continually ransack the dictionary to puzzle their, friends, and -pass for men of learning, by using obsolete words and technical .terms, which they, frequently misapply, to the exposure of themselves and the diversion of their hearers. One of these word grubbers was informed by a friend that a ccrtalrugentleman had fallen from his horse and received a severe Mow in his stomach, which it was thought would cause a gathering. This valuable piece of news he . immediately carried to the barber's shop with a very unnecessary alteration of language- for this - iealer in hard words said, that the squire, in the fall, had received a contusion in his abdominiable parts, and 'twas thought it would -Occasion an abcess. Friend Ra3$or was not long possessed of the Jcarned information before a customer come to be shav- ' The towel was scarcely tu( Oer his chin, and my friend V employed in beating up the lather ; ivhen the usual question of what news asked" News !" says Razor, " why aint you heard the Story about the squire?" " No," answered the other, ' No, said Razor in surprize, why vhe fell from his horse yesterday, and received such a confusion in his abom inable parts, that'tis thought'rwill Occasion his absence, "Not long since, a couple were Jjoing to be married, and had proceeded as far as the - clergy man's door, the gentleman stopped his jair comrade with the following unexpected address : ' Elisa, Juring our courtship 1 have tu'u you most of my mind, but I hive not told you all my mind ; when 'We are -married I shall insist upon three things.' What are they ? asked the astonished lady. In the first place, said he, I shall lie Alone secondly, I shall eat alone -and lastly, I shall find fault when there is no occasion ; can you submit to these conditions ? O yes, sir, very easily, she replies, for if you lie alone, I bhall not ; if you eat alone, I shall eat first ; and as to your finding fault withbut occasion, that I think may be prevented, for 1 shall take care that you shall never want occasion. Thcy were married, and the writer of this wishes them much happiness.

one day entered die church, liav ing his pockets filled with green apples, and seeing many of the church nodding, he levelled an apple at the head of each of them. Th priest-seeing this, and the confusion it occasioned, began severely to reprimand the fellowbut he exclaimed, do you, sir, continue preaching, . and I will vkeep the dogs awake. A countryman sowing his ground two smart fellows riding 'that way, one of them called to ;himwith an insolent air.; well : honest fellow said he 'tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits uf your labor. To which the countryman replied, 'tis very likely you may,for I am sowing . hemp. - i A sailor falling out of the main ' top of a man of war, by :reat good luck, fell plump on his breach unhurt, and looking about him, seemingly unconcerned, as if nothing, had happened, cry'd blast my eyes what a move that was.

A certain clergyman, not much amed for his oratorial powers, was often so dull, languid and tedious in his discourses, that inafly of his hearers .fell into the arms of Morpheus, while divine ftrvice was perfornnjjg. A wag.

A gentleman remarked one day. at a coffee-house, when it rained exceedingly hard, that it put himjn mind of the general Deluge. Zoons, sir, said an old campaigner, who stood by, who is that? I have heard of all the generals in Europebut him. One being at. his wife's funeral and the bearers going pretty quick along, he cried out to them, Do not go so fast, what need we make a toil of a pleasure ? . One telling his friend of the death of one whom he loved en-

tirely, says t'other, it's impossible, for if he had been dead, he would have sent me word, I, I'm sure on't. From the Miami "Herald, INSTRUCTIONS. When a shopkeeper first enters on business, Jie ought to advertise for a partner in trade with at least 5000 dollars, and set forth, that the profits will clears or 50 percent, and that the advertiser will -take upon himself the active part of the business. When he gets up in the morning, let him dress off in the sprucest style; have your hair cropt iu the neatest manner, the hair rather close, which will give the head the elegant small appearance of the Apollo of Behidere. The little hair that is left should be distorted in a variety of directions, so as to affect the natural careless, ness of an Orlando f arioso, but by no means powder, as it will dirty your cloH.cs, and give you the appearance of a Barber or Miller. Your cr::vat should come up to your ears, and be filled. out with a stiftener, so as to give you the appearance of great strength. Let your waist-coat be short, as well on a, count r.f shewing the fascina. ting cantour of your hip, as morifying Snip, in the luxuriance of his cabbage, lie sure you follow the same example in your coat, have the buttons on the hip set very close, which will help to give you the appearance of a man

ly breadth in the shoulders, an$ let the tail be cut as sharp away, as a Jackdaw's or a fighting Cock's, when he is dipt off for battle, thus equipt get behind your counter about 1 2 o'clock, as the loose fish are now gliding about, they will easily be distinguished by the keeness of their salamandar looks and one great .thing in your favor is, that the ladies always show a marked partiality for those who can furnish them with articles at an easy rate. One thing, I would particularly recommend,, let your shop be very large, buy a cart load of straw and plenty of brown paper, make up neat parcels, with a smail cut in ironl of each, to which may be pasted a scrap of different cloths, thus your shop will make the most respectable appearance $ and as Grocers set off their shops with empty Canisters ; Apothecaries with Bladders,- and empty bottles, to make up a show, you have a right to do the same, but above alt a few days before you break, have your house fresh painted, invite your friends to a sumptuous entertainment and then bid them all farewell untii your next merry meeting. CLIP. A JEW'S MARRIAGE TO A CHRISTIAN.. Several y ears ago, the son joi a rich Jf.w was on tlie point of being married to a Christian ; on which the father, who had not so much objection to the lady, as to the smallness cf her fortune, expostulated with the young man, and told him he might have a person with more money. The son, however was firm in his resolution, and replied, that, whether lie consented or not, he wculd marry the object of his affections ; and, if he ret used to give him a proper share of his fortune, he would himself turn Christian, whereby he should claim the benefit of an old English statute, and obtain half of what he possessed. Upon this the old man was greatly confounded, and soon after went to consult legal advice, and to enquire whether there was any such law in existence. Ihe coun. sellor replied there certainly was ; and that his son, upon turning Christian, would have a right to half his fortune : " but" added he, " if you will give me ten guineas, I will put you in a way to disappoint him ; and the graceless rogue shall not be able to obtain a farthing." At this the old man's hopes revived, and putting ten guineas into the lawyer's hand, expressed an impatience to know how he was to proceed, when the counsellor replied with a smile, " You have nothing to do, Sir, but to turn Christian yourself." London paper.

' Interesting-to HcP

The following hnm..

de is copied from the n County Patriot. JU mm 111 ant!,...' ' I

cood dispositions and

e c 'went? of some of our worthy n ; Let me see, donjft printer something ? h Jong time since we paid hl Yes. Well then, thk

wnen ne must provide sornet! for the eiiiDlnvmrnf c 1.

dunnar the .winter

uuiig iu ccp,nimseltand hi tie family warm. I guessj we must try to muster much as will pav him ff .'

it to him. Perhaps it will J

mm up a litueand he may( us more news: and it- Ju1

tainly give us more plea J

rcau uic papers arter we have off. Yes. 1 think It U'ill 1,.

tn frn anrl mv tiirvi . .1

& rv iur tnof he may be ever so much-inn'

i kiiuw He is 100 modest tc dunning us for it; and I'm) he don't like to sue or else' would have sued us before. I)

Jet me forget now to go and him, or send it by the chance. A drunken fellow carrying

gin to the ale house, the nd

the house refused to take ii What a pox said the fellow, neither my own word, nor w ord of God pass with you.

. A countryman that live

London three years, when hew

home, a friend asked him, if

saw Whitehall ? No, says hi

JNor the tower ; says the other.

No, says he, Strange, replied

other, what could be the re;

of it ?" " Why truly, savs

Squire Akerman, the keeper

.Newgate, was so cross a felli

he would not let me out to ny thing."

An illiterate shopkeeper k ing an empty cask he wished dispose of, placed it before

door, and with a piece of chr wrote upon it for sail At gish schoolboy, passing that shortly after, and -perceiving t mistake of the Vender of Wan he immediately wrote undent 'for freight or passage apply M bung hole' 1 The late beautiful and accoij plished Duchess of Gordon, A

ing in a select party, at uic r itive amusement of ' Questions

viuuiiiiaiiuo, dictu iivi young Marquis of Hartley, w

trade he would like. 4 KnOT

garters for the ladies' stockmc

was the answer Ah, observed the lively duchess, n

are too ambitious for tiiat-j

, In some parish churches it was formerly the custom to separate the men from the women. A clergyman being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short, when a woman, eager for the honor of her sex, arose and said, ' Your reverence, the noise is not among us.' So much the better' answered the priest, c it. will bs the sooner over

would soon bs above your

rta

A rfri-A fi-?crmn 11

drowned himself ; a wit obsflj

ed it wa hriiKP he coulu '1

keep his head above water. An Irishman being asked if

understood rrench, rcputu

I understand French pel

yell provided it is spoken in

fee

i :

ill