Indianapolis Times, Indianapolis, Marion County, 22 December 1948 — Page 15

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, the

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“just

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ably

say

“By 4 Sovolal”

“THERE IS still time for the poll takers to Ha dnd shine, There is time for one supreme

That effort, friends, is simply to find out how

_ many pairs of front teeth Santa Claus had to deliver since the diabolical song writers forced

him into the denture business. I'd like to know the figures on that and then forget the tune forever and ever, If figures show that St. Nick answers call of the needy and comes through with porcelain incisors, brother, hate me or not, I'm singing for two Deeps, Jw shoulders and the rest of the paraphernalia that s into the maki f “Mr. America.” oe "os Before me is one of those health and look-at-all-those-muscles magazines. You know, the magazine that always has a picture of a guy flexing more muscle than people like us would know what

off his shoulders that Flabo Barbells and $12.98

built ovér the advertising blurb. ,

Down in Black and White

IN black and white they tell me that “broad shoulders are always admired.” Only on the beaches, gentlemen, only on the beaches. When I slip on ‘my special sport coat, you swear you're seeing John C. Grimek, ‘Mr, Universe,” walking in front of you. (The coat comes equipped with built-in ripples in the back.) : The come-on, the sales talk is sttrueiating: Every ‘little muscle in my body is screaming to know “why shoulder muscles are so t,” “what others say about shoulder development,” “the building of the shoulders,” “broadening the shoulders with. expanders” and “shoulder. broadening hints.” Action, action is ‘vhat a man needs when he

SECOND SECTION

Ghurches Hail Child Of Bethlehem With Pageant, Song And Chari

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1048 -

An Underworld of Termites...

to do with let alone carry around.

I don’t know where the magazine came from, All I know is it makes me feel self-conscious and that's probably precisely what some comedian

wanted it to do. In big type on one of the pages you get hit in the face with-—"“Hey, skinny, do you want broad shoulders?” Before your mind has a chance to signal for an answer, this: “Tsk, tsk, you should have broad shoulders.” All the while a monster of a fellow is showing

‘Wanna Laff?

say he does.

pgunch and not be able to press a 100-pound

reads that Jim Musclehéad can support 782 pounds on his abdomen while suspended between two chairs. Or that Joe Gizzback performed 682 repetition one arm side with a 282dumbell in 60 minutes and to top it all off, Joe does alternate presses with a pair of 182-pound dumbells. A man can't help but think a minute. How are} you going to reconcile a 282-pound dumbell wi a 12-ounce stein? Or a 182-pound dumbell with: an 8-ounce stein? You think a man doesn’t, consider doing away with a lot of foolishness? I'll

“Twenty . years. ago. I. weighed seven and a quarter pounds. Today, thanks $6 Tremendo Muscle Builders, I weigh 170 pouyrids.” The fact that the 170-pound Adonis i as he were about 20 doesn’t help. You know very well, he’s on the way to energy, endurdnce, vigor, internal strength, classical torso, spring power, snap, crackle, virtually nature’s own nature boy without the sad eyes and circles,

Fetch the Muscles, Mister

SANTA CLAUS, it you go into passing out two front teeth to good little boys and girls, next year—shoulders and biceps for me, Big ones. You can also bring that hunk sof iron that adds inches of muscle practically overnight. It says in the magazine that it's ridiculous for any man to have spots before his eyes, flabby muscles, flat feet, coated tongue, protruding

dumbell while playing the William Tell overture on-a clarinet. Ridiculous, they say, as long as the country has Sovgh steel for dumbells, barbells| and grippers.) So, pollsters, on thy horses. Is he or is he ain’t coming through with a load of pearly-white porcelain? Don’t tell. me we are being musically bambogsleq for or Drug, nl: “Te Bay aI Fa put. AWAY. the Ek with Vi ge, Yhish bes)

" Stare Kirklin, 12; and Charles Sanders, " (kneeling); Richard Ascher; 13, and ‘Neil Greenbaum, |3 (standing), are shepherds i in the nol pigesnt in in St. Paul's

Episcopal Church: in pageant and song.

= Leo Turner

NEW YORK, Dec. 22—The public’ laughed most ‘in 1948 at jokes which left the principal character up in the air, Peter Lind Hayes said today. The United Press asked Mr. Hayes, a young radio comedian, to select the 9 best jokes that could be published in a family newspaper. Here are-his--selections.. A stage-struck young man called a booking agent and asked him to come to his club and see his act. When the agent reluctantly agreed, he imitated the calls of several kinds of birds, then: leaped into. the air, flapped his arms, and flew around the room for fully two minutes. “What do you think it?” he asked the agent. “I can’t do a thing for you, kid,” the agent replied. “There ain't any market for bird acts.” Th S$ THREE drunks staggered into a saloon. One fell flat on his face at the door, the second made a table and sat down and the third managed to reach the bar. “Gimme a scotch 'n soda,” he said, and gesturing toward his pal at the table, added “and he'll have a rye 'n ginger ale.” The bartender asked “what about your buddy on the floor?” The drunk replied “just give him water, he's driving.” : 4

Ferocious Doberman Pinscher

THE woman walking a spirited Doberman Pinscher along the sidewalk was obviously pleased with the attention she and the dog at-

~{racted.

“He looks pretty ferocious, » sald an old lady. #What kind of dog is he?” “A Doberman Pinscher.” “Does he bite?” asked the old lady. “No, he just pinches dobermans.”

JOE FRISCO, the stuttering comic, stood on a sidewalk watching several men ripping up the street. mo “W-wwwwhat's g-gggoing on here?” he asked. ts “We're building a new subway.” ’ “W-wwwwhen will it 8~ -sssstart running?” “In about three years.” “rd D-bbbbetter take a bus then,” sald Frisco. & ops A politician is a mn who ‘shakes your hand , first and you later. % * *

The Man Who Hit the Ceiling WAITING in line at the bank to cash his check, a man watched another customer take his money from the teller, put it in his pocket, jump to the ceiling, walk around it two times, then walk down the wall and out the door. Turning|® the teller, the man "said: ” “That was odd, wasn’t it.” “Yes,” said the teller. “He never left before without saying good-bye.” sodas oe oly STANDING on the edge of the roof of the|# Astor Hotel, a drunk turned to his equally drunk girl friend and said, “I'm gonna jump off this roof, fly up to Central Park, circle around the! J St. Moritz hotel, then glide back here.” - She nodded calmly. “Aren't you going to stop me?” he said, teetering perilously, - “No,” she said admiringly, everything.” ¢ & 9%

IN Hollywood they have a very funny name j for marriage. After a little. while Shay call it} quits.

ist The efity-soeme- ich

Rev. W. E. Lastsch, pastor of the-Garfield Park ash-

Church, stands beside holly that came » from the state of

inglen.

adorns the front wall of the

- d You wy the Nativity with simier displ

ys. -

¢ oo ” BEFORE a man marries, he carries his girl's picture in his wallet. After he marries, what else an he use his wallet for?

Follies of '48

By Frederick C. Othman

dainty eater and a couple of pints-of my own blood; a vanishing set “of -autdmobile seat covers and a family of hungry termites; a. collapsible elephant and, well, a number of things. They all add up to the somewhat cockeyed year of 1948, as seen from my private box seat, and why my employers see fit to pay me a salary for enjoying life-in the captial.is something I'll néver quite understand, But that's the way it is and I'm

~ not complaining -and let's get ahead with my an-

nual review: The pie, as sliced in 15-cent slabs in federal

“¢aféterias, ‘was measured witha ruler -hy Sen,

William Langer of North Dakota, who feared the

government -stenos wete. beirig cheated. The tere oe piAER 400K. OVER. Lhe White, House, and ran out ~President Truman. His new $15,000 back porch had tardiy eg

to look natural-at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. when the chandeliers began to shake and the plaster to

fall within.

Mr. Truman, Mrs. T. and Margaret hurriedly moved across the street.

THE engineers tore the brocade off the iis and discovered underneath a horrid situation. They figure it'll cost $1 million to put in new timbers and make the White House safe for human habitation. The Senate Banking Committee was worrying about the Federal Reserve Board, of all things, when it discovered by accident that an ex-general turned surplus property salesman was peddling Red Cross blood, undoubtedly including some extracted from me, on the Shanghai black market as a sex tonic for Chinese gentlemen. The dainty eater was Oscar Ewing, the Federal Security Administrator, to have a private cook prepare his lunch at the office. The chef he borrowed from St. Elizabeth's Hospital.

{erfa pie; lke the other

adorn. South. Africa. and, 10 Teed the Arabs who,

He thought he had»

“he Comptroller General told him to cut-it out, and I presume he’s now eating Sen. Langers s cafe-

‘bureaucrats. Rep. W. Kingsland Macy, of New York, an inquiry into charges of racketeering auto dealers I in Washington brought up the remarkable case of the invisible seat covers. A motorist testified, at least, that he paid one dealer $5 for not selling him seat covers on his new sedan. Their price was $65; his net saving, as he figured it, was. $60, . Over the Seas ina Rowboat THE weary ‘messenger boy, I'm afraid, remains something of a-mystery. All I-know is that the Office of International Trade couldn't investigate

a ship load of flour that sailed from New Orleans und up in the Near East! the time; fighting

in Palestine. —- —~p—_" | The OFT man said his inquiry io this particular bit of racketeering was held up by a delay

in a cablegram from the American embassy in 5g

Beirut, Syria. It was dispatched in March; he got it in August. - ro Ry A eee Boy-F wrote @ Jittle item about. how those diplo-. . ats probably brought= that-pasticular; - b-Jordan, Jean Gray and Donald Jordan row). Virginia Hoke, S to i

sk row) “are ‘members of the ena chisir of The Third Christian

MEeNIBEN| ACross he Atlantic in a rowboat. The State Despecial programs for Christmas.

partmtent said they did not, either. And almost

Branch Christian Church,

Lennie Zaiser, 11, Sam Outecalt, 12; and Ste Ascher, 13, tak the three wise men. St. Paul's, with other Corns Oo ——y

huge banner proclaiming: "Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men." on” Sia chr have dented

PAGE cE 4

Eduincd, Rokeay.and

“Wade ig og of i To rr ody

proved to my satisfaction that the Department of Commerce lost that message in its own marble-

BE me k= Mostly About People Found in Today's News

on it now, was the rubber elephant over the canopy

of the Bellevue-Stratford Hotel last summer in Philadelphia. It kept springing leaks and collapsing, despite every effort of the Republicans with rubber cement and tire pumps. It was prophetic. If I'd only realized this I wouldn't have had to cook myself | a crow last Nov, 3. More in the next few days on 1948. It may not have been wonderful, but there is no doubt it was, | wondrous. :

When the fire brigade roared up, Pfc. Merry L. Christmas, to be she sald: “Boys, will you get me exact-will get to go home ‘for cab? Municipal Judge Eustace Oul- ¥iang New Year. Wo, ling Jr. fined her $100 and gave] Tho Marquess of Milford Haven, her a six-month suspended sen- one of the most eligible members tence. of the British nobility, denied rumors of his engagement to Shar-

Mrs. Esther B. Tuck, 2442' N, Illinois St., a reports clerk with the Indiana Bell Telephone Co. here, ‘will complete 30 years of service tomorrow, She will receive a jeweled pin com- ' me morating her long serv-

moted to executive positions. H. E. Purdy will become manager of the Kansas City sales field and G. D. Carroll will succeed him as assistant managerréseller in Kansas City. Mr. Purdy was sales manager here from 1029-1932 and Mr, man Dougless as| Carroll was a company clerk “he left for Lon-| here from 1830-1938, : don from New 2 x =

' ye » Midnight mass on Christmas Eve by Francis Cardinal Spellman will be televised for the first] =

The Quiz Master

ice. time in history from New York's York by plane

297 Test Your Skill 279!"

After the Constitution was adopted, where was the first Capitol of the'United States located?

Federal Hall, ‘which stood on the corner of

. Wall and Broad Streets in New York City. There,

on Apr. 30, 1780, the inauguration of George Washington took place. ® & 0 How did the custom of christening ships orig-

_Anate? Christening a new ship by breaking a bottle of

wine over its prow is believed to be a survival of the anclent custom of dedicating each vessel

_ to the protection_of.a god. The wine is said to rep-

resent the libation poured out in connection with sacrifices,

cee pp st. si AM

Ati accounts | St. Patrick's Cathedral..by . the| tod Karl Robinson, 82, Los Aning employee |American, National and Colum-| 4 “today after. aigeles, was. refused a divorce to throughout her ‘|bia Broadcasting Systems. EL ua: Say by a judge who ruled he was career with | At the same time, it was an- : e 00 old. : What is the largest of all plant families? Indiana Bell, [nouncéd that Samuel Csrdinal bis The 29-year-| Superior Judge William H.

old cousin of Byrne turned down Mr. Robinson both K in gldespite his plea that he had George and|plenty of time left. He said his Prince Philip told father lived to be 103, newsmen there Ho. » § # x = Mio was no change Mr. * oo There won't be any Merry Pongias in’ his’ relation. Morgan of Washington, D. C., Who were the troubadours? I ) Christmas at Ft. Benning, Ga. |ship with the blond daughter of/passed their 50th wedding snniRroubadout. was. the e given to the Miss Myrtle’ Kaufman, 37, was|Dec. 25. He got a ‘13-day fur-|the ‘American Ambassador to|versary today and boasted that nam Iyric with .an unidentified .man on a/lough and he leaves today ‘for Great Britain. they've never had famil poets of southern ¥rance, and of northern Spain|San Francisco street corner about Dermott, Ark. “We're Just Minas" 1 ; a and Italy who flourished from the 12th to the 14th|/2 a. m. when she decided she, That's not to say that the sol- Ha, centuries. The troubadours improvised a kind of needed a cab. \dters will necessarily spend a Two Standard oft Compan lyric poetry devoted almost entirely to romantic| She stepped to a fire alarmigloomy holiday. It's just that of Indiana employees, formerly plained Mrs. Morgan, “so why and amatory subjects, = ~—. 'box, broke the glass and pulled./one of the GI's stationed here—, stationed here, have been pro- {should we quarrel?”

: 3: V i Te ey

Stritch, Roman Catholic Archbishop of Chicago, will be televised celebrating the mass from The Holy “Name Cathedral in Chicago.

The Composite Family is the largest of flowering plants that is known in the world. There are several thousand different flowers which are placed together and are called Composites. This family is sometimes called the Thistle Family.

she was promoted to her present position in February, 1946. Mrs. Tuck is a mémber of the Hoosier State Chapter of Telephone Pioneers of America.

Mrs. Tuck

“Charles has always agreed with everything I sald” ex-

C and Mrs. Charles E.

Screen star Humphrey Bogart and his wife, Lauren ‘Bacall, won't be home for Christmas this

Year.

Their two boxer pups found a skunk in a near-

playing tag with j