Indianapolis Times, Volume 35, Number 136, Indianapolis, Marion County, 17 October 1922 — Page 5
OCT. 17, 1922
MILLIONS TO BE GIVEN
Four Thousand Thousands (4,000,000) of Soviet Rubles! Almost 3 Pecks!
You Can Help Get Us More Circulation If You Work Hard This is a CON-test with the accent where it belongs. Consider what we offer. Perhaps never again will you have such a chance to enter the mysterious, the alluring profession of journalism. Without restriction we permit you to promote our circulation. We don’t know what makes us that way. All you do is work. You have to observe only the simplest of rules. Arouse sympathy in the hearts of your friends, of your acquaintances, of utter strangers. Hustle! Pep! Go get ’em! Emphasize the CON in CON-test. Explain that you win a prize; your friends only pay for it. Explain that Lowd-Noyes and Company, the CON-test promoters, receive only 80 per cent of the receipts. This leaves 20 per cent remaining in Indianapolis, which is a splendid thing for local trade and industry. Go get ’em. Bite ’em on the leg!
Woozy Wonderland Wrecked to Supply Our Stupendous List of CON-test Offers Read the Unparalleled Details of This CON-test to Your Great Grandchildren
THIS
Here Is the long handled, vegetable fiber washing machine, one of the prizes. Invaluable for households with large numbers of children. Extension handles as long as 20 feet may be had for a nominal price, permitting mother to cook dinner with one hand and scrub baby in next room with the other.
Another happy feature of the rubber bungalow is the rubber plant thriving in the side yard, enabling one to grow Incidental repairs right on the premises. It Is very interesting in summer time to watch this cute little rascal stretch during the seventh inning. If you fail to win a capital prize, perhaps you may win a cake of corrugated, non-skid bath soap, which is fast reducing the appaling annual toll of bathing accidents. It is no longer au fait to slip on a cake of soap and come right down when guests are announced.
Tear Out This Coupon This coupon is good for 1,000 discredits. Each contestant starts 100,000 discredits in the hole. To get 100,000 discredits you must clip 100 coupons from 100 consecutive issues of the Times. Note—This coupon will appear for one consecutive day, starting today. Name • Age Is that so? Have you got your coal in yet? * Well, what do you think of Butler’s team?
MAKE YOUR FRIENDS HAPPY BY TAKING THEIR MONEY FOR US
RULES
CON-testants under the age of 70 must furnish written consent of parent, guardian or teacher. CON-testants above the age of 70 are old enough to know better. Food taken away from the table will be charged for extra. In case of a tie. the matter will be submitted to Judge Landis, Wills Hays and Mustaph Beh-Batti, grand vizier of the Imperial Turkish Nougat. Their decision will be final and awfully amusing. Pancho Villa currency will not be accepted unless accompanied by violence. Trains marked • stop on signal only. If a contestant shall turn in 10.000 subscriptions and yet fail to win a prize, the Times agrees not to prosecute. No subscriptions for more than fifty years will be received. No subscriptions for less than fifty years will be received. You know that as well as we do. No checkee no washee. Stop. Go.
DETAILS
It is not imperative to return the coupon published on this page. Doubtless, some people will prefer to play It on the flute. This Is permissible under the rules. The rubber bungalow will be equipped with pneumatic floors. Science shows that such floors have a tendency to preserve the crockery- They are also singularly appropriate when one is giving a blowout. Have you a dog? If so, why not try to win the doghouse, Kennelworth. which is one of the minor prizes?
Get Out and Hustle for Ivan the Terrible
This is Ivan—the Terrible; the Moron of Motors. Ivan burns gasoline, soft coal, bull durham or what have you? Ivan’s one-cylinder motor is the simplest mechanism known, next to the Volstead corkscrew. Ivan is the perfect mechanical simpleton. Ivan can he converted into an automatic pants pressor, squirrel cage or merry-go-round. To the contestant who wins Ivan we will give a complete tool hox. including court plaster, iodine, gauze bandage and a copy of “What to Do Until the Doctor Comes.” Caution! Keep Ivan away from insect powder.
More CON-test Details They're So Filled With Importance We Couldn't Crowd 'Em on Page 1 CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
Guide at the Anti-Saloon League’s national convention, the Freeman’s Journal in Belfast or Henry Ford’s Independent in a meeting of the garment workers' union. Give them a trial; anything else they want they’ll take." That was enough. Here were two gentlemen circulators. If any one could circulate our 4,000,000 Soviet Rubles, they could. If any one could make Ivan circulate again, they could. They agreed to come to Indianapolis, personally in the flesh and boom our circulation for 80 per cent of the gross, considered by one and all to be a very sharp cut of the dough. Messrs. Lowd and Noyes work with a wicked razor when it comes to carving receipts. We retain our stock and fixtures, however, as well as our liabilities, thanks to the magnanimous generosity of Lowd. Noyes and Company. Here Let Us Introduce Ivan And perhaps we should here explain that Ivan is the sensational six-passenger automobile which the Times has determined to give away practically free in this circulation campaign. Ivan was obtained fresh from the factory for ?this purpose back in 1904. He has a one-cylinder Scream-Whine engine, that avoids all the complicated mechanism of the multi-ple-cylinder motor, which is always getting out of order. Ivan never gets out of order any more. He did it once in 1904 and has remained that way ever since—truly a remarkably consistent Thus it will readily be perceived bow Ivan got his name— Whoa, Ivan! Steady There will be more anon- -to replevin a word from the staff poet—concerning Ivan. To get on with our story we must get Wo must tell about the ,:’.B Colt automatic for the kiddies;; the gold-filled whisker-tweezer for the daddies; the long-handled, vegetable-fiber washing machine ABIGAIL APPLESAUCE *’ or the mommies, and the millions of rubles for all —practically free. We must explain the conditions of our CON-test. And we must go into the sad family tragedy which has thrown a smudge of sorrow upon the quondam happy little household of a member of our staff —like lignite soot upon a week's wash. Now Meet Misa Applesauce We must also introduce—and herewith do introduce —tiie distinguished lady novelist, Abigail Applesauce, author of .'Heartburn and Sunburn’’ and ‘‘She Shot Him But Gosh How She Loved That Man,’’ w'ho is to write a special article one day this week In connection wTth the CON-test. Miss Applesauce, as some of our readers may know, Is the champion left-handed lady novelist of La Porte, Michigan City and Gary', challenging all comers at any weight. But how many of our readers do know that she always writes while standing on the back of her neck in a corner? You do? Well, goodness sake; how news does travel! A Chance for a Permanent Tweeze About that whisker-tweezer for the gents. This little article will surely gladden the days of him who wins It. It is a simple little thing with no pulleys, ball-bearing or fly-wheels. You simply grasp •the tweezer firmly between the thumb and forefinger of the right hand —left-handed tweezers are out of stock—and fasten the claws upon the whisker which you desire to tweeze. Then, with a quickdownward stroke, you give it a yank and you tweeze the whisker. And remember that a tweezed whisker is forever twozen. The rubber-walled bungalow is an even more beneficent innovation. For, although it is a dwelling of only one room, the expansibility of the walls adapts it to all the ordinary demands of enter-
THE INDIANAPOLIS TIMES
taining friends or tolerating relatives. The advantages of this materia] in house construction have only recently been discovered. Blowout patches and a vulcanizing outfit come with the bungalow, so that repairs may be made In person on one’s day off. To operate the rubber walls, one simply leans against them and they sag outward as far as desired. A Tragedy Advances Science Caution should be observed, however, lest the walls snap back when the pressure is relaxed. It was through inadvertence that the brilliant young Inventor of this device, Francis X. Ginsberg, was recently killed. Mr. Ginsberg was demonstrating the walls to a group of capitalists who were to have financed his invention. He leaned
against the wall. Suddenly It. snapped him against the opposite wall, which hurled him back again. Back and forth he snapped for seventeen days and nights, so swiftly that others were powerless to help him. At last, unable to stop, the unfortunate man starved to deatli in mid-air, and the house had to be torn down before his body could be recovered. Even then the final snap hurled his poor, emaciated ciav several miles to a point just over the county line, establishing anew distance record in this event. Mr. Ginsberg died a martyr to science and the comfort of his fellow-man. Ivan and the rubber-walled bungalow are capital prizes. Ivan goes to the person who obtains the largest number of subscriptions, but it is only fair to state that he won’t go by himself. The bungalow goes to the person obtaining the next highest number. There Will Be More News Tomorrow. Perhaps we shall have to postpone until tomorrow the further description of the other articles, each near and dear to the hearts of some element of the public. We have only enough space remaining today to tell the tragic story of the Coldslaw family. Henry Coldslaw was bean-bag editor of the Indianapolis Times and the foremost American authority on this sport. In fact, It was Mr. Coldslaw who proved the savior of the game by introduring the Mexican jumping bean, which added speed and spectacular risks to beanbag when interest had declined to low ebb several years ago.
Mr. Coldslaw knew, of course, that no member of the family of anyone connected with the Times would be eligible to CON-test for any of the prizes. But his wife, a charming and devoted little woman, did not. Therefore, she, knowing of the CON-test in advance, persuaded her little niece, 10-year-old January Flannelcake, to enter. The Quandary Is Happily Solved. Little Miss Flannelcake had obtained 40,000 subscriptions when Mr. Coldslaw explained the ineligibility rule to his wife. They were in a tragic quandary. The child wept piteously. She had seemed almost certain to win 1,000,000 rubles. Suddenly seizing the ax out of the family carving set, Mrs. Coldslaw reluctantly, affectionately socked her husband over the 3kul! and knocked him for a single fare to the gates ajar. “There, dearie,’’ she said, replacing the ax, and turning to little January, “Uncle is no longer connected with the Times.”
j'i U ohm m /<r\ ' V'T " . i • !> | ■ j JANUARY FLANNELCAKE
AWAY
Consider How Anxious Your Friends Are to Help You Win a Prize They are eager for you to ring their doorbells, wake ’em up before breakfast, call them on the phone, see them personally during their busiest hours of the day. What if you do intrude on them when they have weightier things on their minds? Go after them! They will show you how pleased they are. Make yourself a nuisance to your friends. The better friends they are, the more they will welcome the annoyance. Remember, it is absolutely impossible to win a CON-test unless you get your friends into it.
CON-test Headquarters Entrants into this CON-test must call in person at CON-test headquarters, consisting of entire top floor of the new Indianapolis Athletic Club building, some feet above the corner of Meridian and Vermont Sts. Here the CON-test manager, Adam Phaik, will occupy a luxuriant suite reserved for himself and his secretary, Bull Conner.
HINTS
Money talks. We have to keep an interpreter to know what our rubles are saying. When calling for your ruble prizes please bring some small change. The lowest denomination we have is for 100,000 rubles. Referring again to the rubber bungalow: This dwelling contains the very latest modern improvements, a pantry for pants, vestry for vests and coterie for coats. In the kitchen there is also a place for chickory should the winner desire to keep chickens. In the photo-portrait of Mr. Adam Phai.t, CON-test editor of the Times, published on Page One. It will be noted that he wears a decoration. This decoration is the medal of the Order of Honesty, Third Class, made In the form of a double-cross. It was merited by Mr. Phaik and bestowed upon him by BharKheep, native ruler of Zanzibar, In return for Mr. PhaJk’s testimony on his behalf when thirtyfour of the monarch's wives sued him simultaneously for divorce. “It was nothing at all,” said Mr. Phaik. modestly, telling why he received the decoration. "My testimony was nothing at all compared to what I shall write In this circulation campaign.”
Paste These Rules in Your Hat Band The rules of our contest are these— To the first person who obtains 1,000,000 two-year, paid-in-ad-vance subscriptions to the Indianapolis Times, we will give one .38 Colt automatic, one whisker tweezer or one w r ashing machine, as the case may be. To each person who obtains 200,000 such subscriptions we will give 1,000,000 rubles. The rubles are now on display at our offioe. They are believed to be genuine. They cost this newspaper $7, and any one who would counterfeit 4,000,000 rubles for $7 would counterfeit a rain check to Garfield Park.
See Tomorrow’s Paper for More News of the CON-test
WHO?
v t o , if: v ° ■ \ O ' ■: ‘ it e> I ' h ° IT pi £’V i - ■/** "
Well, look who's here! Who do you suppose this is? The polio* are baffled.
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