Indianapolis Times, Volume 34, Number 44, Indianapolis, Marion County, 2 July 1921 — Page 6

JtiMmra JJafm SHmrs INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.

haglr Dally Except Sunday, 26-29 South Meridian Street. Telephones—Main 3500, New 28-351 MEMBERS OF AUDIT BUREAU OF CIRCULATIONS. _ < Chicago, Detroit, St. LouU. G. Logan Dayne Cos. Ks* fri J ‘ na ' °® C€# ( New lork. Boston, I*ajr ne. Burns & _Binltb, Inc. said the crime -wave had abated? , . x - JUDGE PRITCHARD apparently Intends to be obeyed. IF playing a phonograph all day la disorderly conduct we know a lot of lawbreakers. WHY have fireworks regulations if there are no particular restrictions as to who are to be given permits? TWO Indiana children have died from eating fireworks. This should be another argument for a safe and 6ane Fourth. HOW IS THIS for a midsummer occupation? The public service commission Is working on the revision of the hot water heating rates. A RECENT appraisal shows the Carnegie estate to be worth nearly .$26,000,(100. Whoever heard of a Scotchman dying poor, even though his ■press agents did predict such a death? i A HEADLINE WRITER refers to a “referendum election”—evidently to be absolutely sure his readers understand that somebody is ■-going to be given an opportunity to vote. THE OUTCOME of that trial of the woman with a “low cut” waist ;a‘ Zion City might have been different if the jury had been composed of ■■women instead of men—or is it immodest for women to serve on juries? ! The Proper Way The action of the State board of accounts in recommending legal proceedings to break the contract between the school board and Snider r,& Rotz and the contract between the board and L. H. Snider is timely and f should result in a clearing up of the muddle in which the school affairs • of Indianapolis have been plunged. If these contracts are not legal, there should be no attempt to carry them out. If they are legal there should be an end to the effort of reaction- '• aries to use them as clubs in their fight to prevent the school children of Indianapolis from having proper schools, f Anyhow, the starting of a program of legal opposition to these contracts should be construed by the State tax board as a movement that eliminates consideration of them in reference to the petition for a bond issue which: is now pending before the State tax board. In all rt-obafcility the courts will have to decide whether the contracts are legal. / Certainly the State tax board will not attempt to assume over this question while proceedings to determine it legally and properly are under way. Considering the objection of the tea remonstrators against the school bond tte State tax board cannot help but be impressed with the admitted >£act that the remonstrators are opposing the bond issue simply because f they are opposed to these contracts. Their opposition to the contracts must be based on the theory that they are illegal, for it can never be admitted that the tax board is a proper body before which to air differences of opinion a3 to the executive duties of an independent body. We have contended all along that the question of the propriety of these contracts was not a proper one to influence the tax board in its decision relative to the issuance of school bonds. It is properly a question for the State board cf accounts to raise and the law provides a method by which the State board of accounts may determine it. Determination of the propriety of these contracts through the proper authorities is much to be desired. And in the meanwhile it is to be hoped that the State tax board will be content to let this question be determined by the proper authorities and confine its decision on the school bonds to the one big question of whether the school children of Indianapolis are to be housed like hogs, assembled in fire-traps and deprived of the facilities for education to which they are rightfully entitled. More Hallucinations There are citizens cf Indianapolis who will question the sincerity of the rather crude attempt on the part of a sorely peeved newspaper to belittle Mrs. Julia B. Tutewiier by asserting that her candidacy for reelection to the school board is a part of an effort to place control of the city, county and schools in the hands of one group. To accept this hypothesis at face value one must agree that Mrs. Tutewiier and Samuel Lewis Shank are working hand in hand to perfect t. great political machine. This is an assumption that the Republican candidate for mayor who has been so frequently pictured as an ignoramus is smart enough to aspire to the control of a big part of the government and wise enough to formulate a powerful alliance for the capture of that controL The public is requested to believe all this on the evidence that Mrs. Tutewiier told a few friends at a dinner given In honor of Mr. Shank that she would be a candidate for re-election. As well might one believe that she is a part of a bipartisan alliance to elec* a progressive President because she once informed members of both the Republican and Democratic parties at an assemblage in honor of Theodore Roosevelt that she was a great admirer of Rooseveltian doctrines. Presumably, this newspaper which is now endeavoring to create a bogie-man out of the candidacy of Lew Shank, the candidacy of Mrs. Tutewiier and the ofilcial position of her husband, desires to defeat Shank for the mayorship. It has been so expressing itself ever since Shank entered the fight But the sincerity of its opposition to Mr. Shank might well be questioned in the light of its recent procedure. Linking Mrs. Tutewiier with Mr. Shank's candidacy certainly will do Shank no harm. Nor will any kind of a campaign made against her by the newspaper of doubtful ownership be of much avail against Mr. Tutewiier. The success of the several opponents of Mr. Fesler, Mr. Howe and a host of others recently has served fairly well to demonstrate that the measure of Mrs. Tutewiler’s plurality will be the warmth with which she is opposed by the newspaper that appears to be suffering with one hallucination after another. The Government Awakens Once In a while the Government of the United States, through its internal revenue officers, really awakens, as a recent incident in Philadelphia win verify. The salary of a president of a corporation there was increased from $5,000 to $20,000. The Government claimed his services were worth only the former figures and sued for $525 income tax, and the courts sustained the Government. In order to beat the Government, the corporation thought it would 6imply pay more salary to its president, but therein lay the error of its way. It is well stated that one cannot do indirectly what cannot be done directly, In law. Many subterfuges have been tried without success. So some corporations have learned this lesson to their serious disadvantage. The railroads used to favor certain shippers by rebating part of their freight bills. They charged the same rate to every one but repaid part of It to favorites. So severe has been the penalty visited upon them by the Federal Courts for his, that a mention of the word rebate to a rate clerk causes cold chills to telegraph up and down his spine. In olden times the courts used to be sticklers for form. If a man was charged with murder by a brick and It was proved by a shovel, the murderer was acquitted. Now the spirit. Instead of the letter, is more observed, much to the better administration of the law. Overlooked! Some startling figures appear in the finding of facts that is a part of the order the public service commission made in raising the gas rate to 90 cents. On page 21, the commission finds the- total value of the combined properties of the two gas companies, operated by the Citizens Gas Company is $12,000,000. This it divides, $7,600,000 to the Citizens Gas Company and $4,500,000 to the Indianapolis. For this plant of the value of four and a half millions, the commission shows the Citizens Gas Company is paying an ahnual rental of $402,557.50, equal to 8.9457 per cent It never seemed to have occurred to the commission or Sam Ashby that It had a duty to perform regarding this rental before It raised the p.ice of gas to the consumer. *

CUPID A LA CARTE

By O. HENRY

'Try Mother's Home-Made Biscuits.' ‘What's the Matter with Our Apple Dumplings and Hard Sauce?' ‘Hot Cukes and Maple Syrup You Ate When a Boy, ‘Our Fried Chicken Never Was Heard to Crow'—there was literature, doomed to please the digestions of man! I said to myself that mother's wandering boy should munch there that night. And so It came to pas-. ADd there is where I contracted rnv case of Mame Dugan. “Old Man Dugan was six feet by one of Indiana loafer, and he spent his time sitting on his shoulder blades in a roek-ing-ehair in the shanty memoralizing the ! great corn crop failure of 'Bfl. Ma Dugan did tin* cooking, and Marne waited ou j the table. ! “As soon as I saw Mame I knew there was a mistake in the census reports. There wasn't but one girl in the United States. When you come to specifications It isn’t easy. She was about the size spf an angel, and she had eyes, and ways about her When you come to the kind of a girl she was. you'll find a belt of 'em reaching from the Brooklyn bridge Ye TOWNE GOSSIP Copyright. 1921. by Star Company. By K. SHE WAS hot. •** \ AND SHINY. YJ * • • AND SHE had a seat. IN A chair car. • * * FROM ATLANTIC j City. • • • AND I wanted to tell i her. e • * TO WIFE her face. isrT I didn't. • • AND SHE finally did AND THEN I saw. * s • SHE WAS good looking. • • • AND IN her face. • • • WAS AI.L the innocence. ■ • OF A little child. • • • AND I was sorrj. • • • IT WAS so hot. AND I wanted to tell her. • • • TO TURN her chair. * • SO TnE fan would blow on her. • * • BI T I didn't. • • • AND SHE got shiny again. AND WENT in her bag. • • • FOR ANOTHER handkercfc.ef. • * • AND WIPED her fa"c AND WAS all right again. • * AND WENT ba k to her hag. AND FRODCCEIJ a book. • • • A BOOK cf poems • • • AND I tried to see. WHO THE author WES. HCT I couldn't do it. UNLESS I got Up. AND mSEI) over her chair. AND I couldn’t do that. and the more I looked. * * * THE MORE childlike. SHE SEEMED to be. AND I fell to wond“ritig. • • • WHO SHE was. AND PUT hqr down. • • AS A small town girl. OF THE sensible sort. AND MAYBE at home. SHE TUT.HT Sunday schooL • * AND I knew she could cook. AND ALONG about then. WE WERE near New Yark. • • • AND THE porter started. • • TO GET the bags. • • * AND SHE opened hers. • * • AND TOOK OUt a bottle. • • • A QUART bottle of Scotch. • • • AND FOLDED it carefully. * * * IN A coat she carried. AND WINKED at me. • * * AND THE moral is. YOU SEVER can tell. • * THANK you.

BRINGING UP FATHER

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INDIANA DAILY TIMES, SATURDAY, JULY 2,1921.

(Continued From Page One.)

west as far as the courthouse In Council Bluffs, lowa. They earn their own living in stores, restaurants, factories and offices. They're descended straight from Eve, and thsy're the crowd that's got woman's rights, and if a man wants to dispute it he’s in line to get one of them against his jaw. They're chummy and honest and free and tender and sassy, and they look life straight in the eye. They've met man face to face, and discovered that he's a poor creature. They’ve dropped to it that the reports in the Seaside library about his being a fairy prince lack confirmation. “Mame was that sort. She was full of life and fun, and breezy; she passed the repartee with the boarders quick as a wink ; you'd have smothered laughing. I am disinclined to make excavations into the insides of personal affection. I am glued to the theory that the diversions and discrepancies of the indisposition i known as love should be as private a sentiment as a toothbrush. 'Tis my opinion that the biographies of the heart should be confined with the historical romances of the liver to the advertising pages of the magazines. So, you'll excuse the lack of an itemized bill of my feelings toward Mame. "Pretty soon I got a regular habit of dropping into the tent to eat at irregular limes when there wasn’t so many around Mame would sail in with a smile, in a bls'-k dress and white apron, and say: 'Hello, Jeff—why don’t you come at mealtime? Want to see how much trouble you can be, of course. U r iedchickenbeefsteakporkchopshamand eggspotple'—and so on. She called me .Tess, but there was no significations attached. Designations was all she meant The front names of any of us she used as they came to hand. Id eat about two meals before I left, and string 'em out like a society spread where they changed plates and wives, and josh one another festively between bites Mame stood for it, pleasant, for it wasn't up to her to take any canvas off the tent by declining dollars just because they were chipped in after meal times. "It wasn't long until there was another fellow named Ed Collier got the betwemmeals affliction, and him and me pur in bridges between breakfast and din ner. and dinner and suppi r, that made a three ringed circus of that tent, and Marne’s turn ns waiter a continuous per formanace. That Collier man was satu rated with designs and contrivlugs He was in well boring or insurance r claimjumping or something —l've forgotten which He was a man well luhrincteil with gentility and his words were such as recommended you to his point of view bo Collier and n e infested the grub tent with care and atlvity. Mame was level full of impartiality 'Twas like a casino hand the way ste dealt out her favours —one to Collier and one to me and one to the board and not a card up her sleeve. “Me and Collier naturally got acquainted, and gravitated together some on the outside. Divested of his stratagems, h“ seemed to be a pleasant chap, full of an amiable sort of hostility. I notice you hove an affinity for grubbing in the banquet Hall after the guests have tied,’ says I to him one day, to draw his conclusions “ Well, yes.' says Collier, reflecting; 'the tumult of a crowded board sueuis to harass my sensitive nerves.' It exasperates mine some, too. says I Nice llUlt girl, don't you think?' “ I see,' stiys Col’ier, laughing. 'Well, now that you mention it, 1 have noticed that she doesn't seem to displease the optic nerve.’ ‘She a a joy to mine,’ says I, ‘and I'm going after her. Notice la hereby Served.' I’ll he ns candid aa you,' admits ColHer, and if the drug stores don't run out of pepsin I'll glre you a run for your money that'll leave you a dyspeptic at the wind-up.’ "bo (oilier and me begins the race; the grub department lays in nw a-m----plles; Mann- waits on us. and kind and agreeable, and it looks like an even break, with Cupid ani the cook working overtime in Dugan's aestaurant. Twns one night in September wb ft n I got Mame to take a walk after supper when the things were all chared away. " e strolled out a distance and sat on a pile of lumber at the edge of town Such opportunities was seldom, so 1 spoke my piece, exp'alning how the Brazilian diamonds and the tir kindler were laying up sufficient treasure to guarantee the happiness of two, and that both of 'em together couldn't equal the light from somebody's eyes, and that the name of Dugan should be changed to Defers, or reasons why not wouLl be in , -d >r. "Mame didn't say anything right awav Directly she gave a kind of shudder, ami I began to learn something. " 'Jeff,' she says. ‘l'm sorrr you spoke I like you as well an y of them, but Mjc;-c isn't the man ir. the w .rld I'd ever inajry, and there never will be. Do you know what a man is in my eve': He's a tomb He s a sarcophagus ‘for the Interment of Beefs tea k , porkchops. liver and bacon, ham and ejg. He's that and nothing more For two years If watched men eat. eat. eat. until thee re-pn-s-nt nothing on earth to m but ruminant biped?. They're absolutely nothing but something that goo in front cf a knife and folk and plate at the table. ! They're fixed that way in my mind and memory. Ive tried to overcome it, but 1 can't. I've heard girls rave about their sweethearts, hut I never could understand it. A tnan and a sausage grinder and a pantry awake In me exactly the same sentiments. I went to a matinee once to see an actor tin- girls were crazy about. 1 got interested enough to worder whether he liked his steak rare, medium, or well done, and his eggs over or straight up That was all. , Jeff ; ill marry no man and see him sit at the breakfast table and cat and come back to dinner and cat, and happen in again at supper to eat, eat, eat.’ " 'But. Mame,’ says I, 'it'll wear off You’ve had too much o. it You'll marrv some time, of course. Mcti don't ent always.’ “ ‘As far as my observation goes they do.’ Mame turns, sudden, to animation j end bright eyes. There's a girl named Susie Foster in Terre Haute, a chum of mine. *he waits in the railroad eating' house there. I worked two years in aj restaurant in that town. Susie has it worse than I do because the men who eat at railroad stations gobble. They try to flirt and gobble at the same time. Whew! Susie and I have it all planned out. We're saving our money, and when j we get enr ugh we’re going to buy a little cottage and five acres we know of, and live together, and grow' violets lor the Eastern market. A man better not bring his appetite within a mile of that ranch.’ “ ‘Don't girls ever—' I commenced, but Mame heads me off, sharp. “ ‘No. they don’t. They nibble a little bit sometimes; that’s all.’ “ T thought the confect—’ •• ‘For goodness' sake change the subject,' says Mame. “As 1 said before, that experience put me wise that the feminine arrangement ; ever etruggles after deceptions and illu- I

sions. Take England—beef made her; wieners elevated German/; Uncle Sam owes his groatnesa to fried chicken and plo, but the young ladles of the Shetalkyou school, they’ll never believe It. Shakespeare they allow, and Rubinstein, and the Rough Riders is what did the trick. "Twws a situation calculated to disturb. I couldn't bear to give up Maine; and jet It pained me to think of absndoning the practice of eating. 1 had acquired the liahlf too early. For twentyseven year* I Lad been blindly rushing upon my fate, yielding to the inaiflions lures of that deadly monster, food. It was too late. It was a rumlnnnt biped for keeps. It was lobster salad to a doughnut that my life was going to be blighted by it. “I continued to board at the Dugan tent, hoping that Mama woubl relent. I bad sufficient faith in true love to believe that since it kas often outlived the absence of a square meal it might, in time, overcome the presence of one. 1 went on ministering to my fatal vice, although I felt that each time I shoved a potato Into my mouth in Marne's presence I might be burying my fondest hopes. "I think Collier must have spoken to Mame and got the same answer, for one day he orders a cup of coffee and a crucker. and sits nibbling the corner of it like a girl In the parlor, that * filled up in the kitchen, previous, on cold roast and fried cabbage. I caught on and did the sume. and maybe we thought we'd made a hit. The next day we tried It again, I and out ocmes old man Dngan fetching • In his hand* the fairy viands. “ ‘Kinder off yer feed, ain't ye, gents?’ he asks fatherly and some sardonic. ! Thought I'd spall Mame a bit, seein’ the work was light, and my rhetunatiz ca.i stand the strain.’ “So back me and Collier had to d-op to the heavy grub again. I noticed about that time I was seized by a most un- ’ common and devastating appetite. I ate until Mame must have hated to sc® me darken the door. Afterwards found out that I had been made the victim of the tirst dark and irreligious trb-k played on me by Ed Collier. Him and me had been taking drinks together uptown regular, trying to drown our thirst for r'>od. I hat man Lad bribed about t**u bartenders to always put a big slug of App.-Brea's Anaconda Appetite Bitters in overy one of my drinks. But the last trick he played me was hardest to forget. “One day Collier failed to show up at the tent. A man told me he left town hat morning, yjy only rival now was i so ' 1 fare, A few days before he 1 , Collier had presented mo with a twoguiion -1 J ' <J t lino whisky whioh ho nald a cousin had sent him from Kentucky. I now have reason to believe that it cuu-tiiim-d Appletree's AuHconda Appetite Hitters iiliicst exclusively. 1 continued to devour tons of provisions In liame’s eyes i remained a mere biped, mores ruminant than ever.

A k°’ U a Rft * T Collier pulled his rr-lgbt th ‘re came a kind of sideshow Ii town, and hoisted a teat near the raiiruad. I judged it was a sort ol' fake museum and curiosity business. ! called to see Mame one night, and Ma Dugan said she and Thomas, her younger brother, had gone to the show. That some thing happened for thr-„ nights that week. Saturday night 1 caught her on the way coming back, and got to sit on steps a While and talk to her I : Otced she looked different. H r -y-e were softer, and shiny like. Ins -ad of a Maine Dugan to fly from the voracity or man and raise violets, she seemed to be a Maine mors In line us God intended "® r ' approachable, and suited to bask In the light of tho Brazilians and the Kindler. You seem to b*> right smart InI- .til. Wi ' h Unparalleled Exhibition of the Worlds laving Curl unities and Wonders' ; L s a ckauge,' sari Mame. , louli iuti another,' gay aI, “if you l.e-p on going every night' Don t be cros#. Jeff,’ savs she: ‘it takes my mind off butiues* ' " 'Don't the curiosities eat?' I Not all of them. Some of them are wax.' Look out, then, that yon don't get stuck, says I, kind of flip and foolish .VEiine bilistn-d. 1 didn't now wiiat to th.nk about her. M> hopes raised some teat perhaps my attentions had paU.ated ma:, s awful crime of vwi.dy introducing nourishment into h,s system. Mie talked some about the stars, referring to them w,tj respect and politeness, uni l driv--0.e.l a quantity about united hearts. \ ola f* U bright by true affection, an<i tne Kindler. Mame I.stoned without scorn and 1 says to myself, Jeff, old man You re removing tne noodoo that clung L> the . onsumer of victuals; you're set ting your heel upon the serpent that lurks ill tne gr\y bowl.' "Monday night 1 drop around. Mame !*, the Lnparalic.ed Exhibition with i comas. ' Now, may the curse of the fortyone seven-headed sea cooss," sayz I, 'and the bad luck of tne nine impenitent grass-hoppers rest upon this seif same side show at ones and forever Amen 111 go to see* it myself tomorrow night, and investigate its baleful charm. Shall man that was made to inherit the e.trta be bereft of his sweetheart first by a knife and fork and then by a Lu cent cir cus?' i ’I he next night before starting out for the exhibition tent I inquire and find out thnj Mame is not m home. She is uot at the circus with Thomas this lime, for Thomas waylays me in the grass outside of the grub tent with n scheme of h.s own before i had Mine to cat supper. " What'll you give me. Jeff,’ says he, 'if I tell you something ?’ "'Tne value of it, son,' I savs. “ ‘cl* is stuck on a freak,' says Thon as, ‘one of the sideshow freaks. I don t like him She does. I overheard 'em talking. Thought maybe you’d like to know. Say. Jeff, does It put you wise two dollars' worth? There's a target rifle uptown that—' "I frisked my pockets and commenced i to dribble a stream of halves and quarters into Thomas's ha'. The Information 1 was of the pile-driver system of news and It telescoped my intellects for h while. While I wur leaking small change and smiling foolish on the outside, and suffering disturbances internally, I was saying, idiotically and jdasantly: "Thank you, Thomas thank you—er—a freak, you said, Thomas. Now, could ; you make out the monstrosity’s entitle- ! meats a little clearer if you please, i Thomas ?’ "This is the fellow,’ savs Thomas, pulling out a ye'low handbill from his pocket and shoving it under my nose. He's the Champion Faster of the Universe 1 guess that's why sis got soft on him. He don't eat nothing. He's going to fast forty-nine days. This is the sixth. That's him.' “I looked at the name Thomas pointed out—'Prof. Eduardo Collier!.' 'Ah!' says' I, in admiration, that’s not so bad, Ed Collier. I give you credit for the trick. ] But I don't give you the girl until she's i Mrs. Freak.' "I hit the sod in the direction of the show. I came up to the rear of tttr* teut and, ns I did so, a man wiggled out like 1 a snake from under tlio bottom of the t canvas, scrambled to his feet, and ran into me like a locoed broncho. T gathered him by the neck and Investigated him bv the light of the stars. It is Prof. Eduardo Oollierl, in human habiliments with a desperate look in one eye and Impatience in the other. “ 'Hello, Curiosity.’ says T. ‘Get still a minute and lei's have a look at your frenksliip. How do you like being the willopus-wallopus or the bim-bam from Borneo, or whatever name you are de- i nouneed hy in the sideshow business?’ j “ 'Jeff Peter*,’ says Collier, in a weak I

Dj You Know Indianapolis?

This picture was taken in your home city. Are you familiar enough with it to locate the scene? Yesterday’s picture was taken up Virginia avenue from Maryland street.

voice. "Turn ma loose, or I'll slug you! one. I’m in the extremes! kind of a large hurry. Hands off" '• ‘Tut. tut, Eddie.’ I answers, holding him hard; 'let an old friend gaza on the exhibition of your curiouaness. It’s an eminent graft you fell on to, my son. But don’t sptak of assaults and battery, because you're not fit. The best you’ve got is a lot of curve and a mighty empty stomach.' Anil so it was. The man was as weak as a vegetarian cat. “ 'l'd argue this case with von. Jeff.’ says he. regretful in his style, “for an unlimited number of rounds if I had half an hour to train In and slab of beefsteak two fe-'t square to train with. Curse the man. 1 i=ay, that invented the art of going foodless. Mav his soul in eternity be chained up within two feet of a bottomless pit of red hot hash. I'm abandoning the conflict, .Tess: I'm deserting to the enemy. Yen'll find Miss Dugan Inside contemplating the only living mummy and the informed hog. She's a fine girl, Jvff I'd have Heat you out if t could have kept up the grubless habit n lltt'e while longer. Yotj'U hav to admit that the fasting dodge was aces-up for ‘a while. T figured it out that way. But. say, Jeff, it's said that love makes the world go around. Let me tell you. the announcement lacks rerifieation. It's the wind from the dinner horn that does it. 1 love that Mame Dugan. I've gone six days without food In order to coincide with her sentiments. Only one bite did I have That was when I knocked the tattooed man down with x war club and got a sandwich he was gobbling The manager fined me all my .salary : hut salary wasn't what I was after. 'Twas that girl. I'd give my life for her, but I'd endanger my immortal soul for a beef stew Hunger 1* a horrible thing. Jeff. Lora and business and family and religion nnd art and patriotism or nothing but shadows of words when a man's starving!’ "In such language El Col'ier discoursed to me, pathetic. I gathered the diagnosis that his affections and his digestions had been implicated in a scramble and the commissary had won out. I l ever disl.ked Ed Collier I searched my Internal admonitions of sui’able etiquette to see if I could find a remark of a eonsid’.ng nature, but there was none eoavenlent. "id be glad, now.’ says Ed, "If you'll let me go. I've bee a hard hit. but I'll hit the ration supp’y harder I'm going to clean out every restaurant in town. I'm going to wade waist deep lu sirloins and swim in ham and eggs. It s an awful thing, Jeff D*:er*, for a man to come to this pass—-to give up his girl for something to eat—it's worse than that man Esau, who swapped his copyright for x partridge- -but then, hunger's a fierce thing You'll excuse me, now, Jeff, for I smell a pervasion of ham frying la the distance, and my legs are crying out to stampede in that direction.’ "A hearty meal to you, EJ Collier,”’ I says to him. and no hard feelings. For myself. I am projected to be nn unseldoni eater, and 1 have condolence for your predicaments.' "There was a sudden big wliiff of frying ham smell on the breeze; and the Champion Faster giv-s a snort and gallops off in the dark toward fodder. I wish some of the cultured outfit that are always advertising tie extenuating circumstances of love and romance had i een there to see There was Ed Collier. a fine man full of contrivances and flirtations, abandoning the girl of hi* heart and ripping out into the contiguous territory in the pursuit of sordid grub. 'Twas a rebuke to the poet* and a slap at the best-paying element of .fiction. An empty stomach is a sure antidote to an overfull heart. "I was naturally anxious to know how fur Mauie whs infatuated with Collier and his stratagems. I went inside the Unperallebd Exhibition, and there she was. . She looked surprised to see me, but uuguilty. , " It's an elegant evening outside.' says I. 'The roolness is quite nice and grati- ! lying, aul the stars are lined out. first class, up where they belong. Wouldn’t you shake these by products of the animal kingdom long enough to take a walk with a common human who never was on a program in his life?' ' .Mame gave a sort of slv glance around, and I knew what that meant. "'Oh,' says I. I hato to tell you, but the curiosity that lives on -wind has flew the coop. He Just crawled out un- ; der the tent. By this time he has araal- ' gammed himself with half the delicatessen truck in town,’ " 'You m*m Ej Collier?' says Mame. “T do.’ 1 answers; 'and a pity it is that be has gone back to crime again. I met him outside the tent and he ex- 1 posed his intentions of devastating the food crop of tile world. 'Tis enormously sad when one's ideal descends from his pedestal to make a seventeen-year locust of himself.' "Mame looked me straight in the eve i until sue had corkscrewed my reflections “ 'Jeff,' says she, 'it isn't quite like you ! to tnlk that way. I don't care to hear Ed Collier ridiculed. A man may do ridiculous things, but they don't Took ridiculous to the gill he does 'em for. That was tho man In a hundred. He stopped eating Just to please me. I'd be hard-hearted and ungrateful if I didn't feel kindly toward him. Could you do what he did?’ “'I know,' says I, seeing the point. 'l'm condemned. I can't help It. The brand of the consumer is upon my brow. Mrs. Eve settled that business for me when site made the dicker with the snake, i 1 fell from the fire Into the frying pan. I guess I'm the Champion Feaster of the Universe,’ I spoke humble, and Mame mollified herself a little. " 'Ed Collier and I are good friends,’ i she said, 'the Banie as me and you. Ii gave him the same answer I did you— ! no marrying for me. I liked to be' with Ed and talk to him. There was something mighty pleasant to me in the ! thought that here was a man who never j

[used a knife and folk, and AH for my sake.’ “ ‘Wasn’t yon In love with him?’ 1 ■ asks, all Injudicious. ’Wasn’t there a i deal on for you to become Mrs. Curlosltj?’ ‘‘All of us do it sometimes. All of ns ! get Jostled out of the line of profitable , talk cow and then. Mame put on that ! little lemon glace smile that runs bej tween Ice and sugar, and says, much too pleasant: "You're short on credentlalc fox nsklng that question, Mr. Peters. .Suppose you do a forty-nine-day fast, Just to give you ground to stand on, and ! then maybe I’ll answer it,’ j "So, even after Collier was kidnapped • out of the way by the revolt of his appetite, my own prospects with Mame didn't seem to be Improved, And then business played out in Guthrie. "1 had stayed too long there. The Brazilians 1 had sold commenced to show signs of wer. and the Kindler refused to light up right frequent on wet mornings. There is always a time. In my buzlness, when the star of success says. 'Move on to , the next town.’ I was traveling by , wagon at that time so as not to miss any of the small towns; so I hitched up a few days later and went down to tell Mame good-bye. I wasn't abandoning the game; I intended running over to Oklahoma City and work it so- a week or two. Then I was coming back to ln- ■ stltute fresh proceedings against Mame. “What do I find at the Dugans' but Maine all conspicuous in a blue traveling dress, with her little trunk at the door, tl seems that sister Lottie Bell, who Is a typewriter in Terre Haute, is going to be married next Thursday, and Marao Is off for a week's visit to be an accomplice at the ceremony. Mame is waiting for a freight wagon that is going to take her to Oklahoma, but I condemns the freight wsgen with promptness and scorn, and offers to deliver the goods myself Ma Dugan sees no reason why not, as Mr. Freighter wants pay for the Job; so, thirty minutes later Mame and I pull out in my light spring wagon with white canvas cover, and head due south. "That morning was of a praiseworthy sort The breeze was lively, and smelled excellent of flowers and grass, and tho little cottontail rabbits entertained themselves with skylarking across the road. My two Kentucky bays went for the horiz on until it come sailing in so fazt you wanted to dodge it like a clothesline. Mame was full of talk and rattled ou like a kid about her old homo and her school pranks and the things she likej and the hateful ways of those Johnson girls Just across the street, ‘way up in Indiana. Not a word was said about El Cul’.ier or victuals or such solemn subjects. About noon Maine looks and finds that the lunch she had put up In s basket had been left behind. I could hr.Te managed quite * collation but Mame didn't seem to be grieving over nothing to eat, so I made no lamentations. It was a sore subject with me. and 1 ruled provender in all its branches out of my conversation. "I am minded to touch light on ex- ; planations bow I .tame to los- the way. The road was dim and well grot* with grass; and there was Mama by my side cons seating my intellects ar.d attention. The excuses are good or they ar? not, *s they may appear to you. But 1 lost it. and at dusk that afternoon, when we should have been In Oklahoma City, we were seesawing along the edge of nowhere in some undiscovered river bottom, nnd the rain wns falling in large, wet bunches. Down there In the swamps we saw a little log house on a small knoll of high ground. The bottom grass and the chaparral and the lonesome timber crowded all around it. It seemed to be a melancholy little house, and you felt sorry for it- "Twa* that house for the night, the way 1 reasoned it. I explained to Mame. and she leaves it to me to decide. She doesn't become galvanic and ' prosecuting, as most women would, but she says it's all right; she knows 1 ' didn't mean to do it“VYe found the hotrse was deserted. Tt had two empty rooms. There was a little shed in the yard where beasts bad once been kept- In a loft of it was a lot of old hay. I put my horses in there and gave them some of it, for xvhich they looked at me sorrowful, expecting apologies. The rest of the hay I carried into the house by armfuls, with a view to accommodations. I also brought in the patent kindler and the Brazilians, neither of which are guaranteed against the action of water. "Mame and I sat on the wagon seats on the floor, and 1 lit a lot of the kindler on the hearth, for the night was chilly. If I was any judge, that girl enjoyed it. It was a change for her. It gave her a different point of view. She laughed and talked and the kindler made a Jim light, compared to her eyes. I had a pocket full of cigars, and as far as I wag concerned, there .had never been any fall of man. We were at the same old stand in the Garden of Eden. Out there somewhere in the rain and the dark was the river of Zion, and the angel with the flaming sword had not yet put up the keep-off-the-grass sign. I j opened up a gross or two of the Bra- ; zllians and made Mame put them on—rings, brooches, necklaces, eardrops, j bracelets, girdles and lockets. She flushed and sparkled like a million dollar princess until she had pink spots in her cheeks and almost cried for a looking glass “When it got late I made a fine bunk on the floor for Mame with the hay and m,v lap robes nnd blankets out of the wagon and persuaded her to lie down. I sat in Uie other room burning tobacco ml listening to the pouring rain and meditating or, the many vicissitudes that come tu man during the seventy years or so immediately preceding his funeral. “I must have dozed a little before morning. for my eyes were shut and when I opened them it was (Jaylight, and there stood Mame with her hair nil done up neat and correct, and her eyes bright with admiration of existence.

“’Gee, whiz, Jeff!' she er claimed, I’m hungry. I could eat a —* ■ "I looked up and caught her ef*. E| smile went back in nnd shfe gave m -M cold look of suspicion. Then I laugh* and laid down on the floor to 1&1 easier. It seemed funny to nature and geniality I am a laugher, and I went the limit came to, Mame wat sitting with bac k to me, all contaminated with nity. “ ‘Don’t be angry, Mame,’ I says, f r couldn’t help it. It’s funny way you* done up your hair. If you could oal see it 1’ * * 'You needn’t tell stories, sir/ sa* Mame, cool and advised. ‘My hair la aa right I know what you were laug* Ing about. Why, Jeff, look outside,' sll winds up, peeping through a chink b tween the logs. I opened the lit* wooden window and looked out. Ths e* tire river bottom was flooded, and t* knob of land on which the house stoo* was an island in the middle of a rusbini stream of yellow water a hundred yar wide. And It was still raining harfl All we could do was to stay there I the dove brought In the olive breach.*

"I am bound to admit that conver Pi tions and amusements languished duri* the day. I was aware that Mame tt* getting a tio prolonged one-sided vie* of things again, Int I had no way * change it. Personally, I was wrapp* up in tbß desire to eat. I had halinoinal tions of hash and visions of ham, and 1 kept saying to myself all the timJ ‘What'll you have to eat, Jeff?—what* you order now, old man, when the waite* comes.’ I picks ont to myself all sort! ; of favorites from the bill of fare, er* imagines them coming. I guess It’s tin* | way with all very hungry men. Thai can’t get their* ex/Uations trained * anything hut something to eat. that the little table with the legged caws' and the imitation sauce and the napkin covering up H coffee stains Is the paramount issue, ail, instead of the question of ity or peace between nations. “I tat there, mazing along, arguSß with myself, quite heated aa to how have my steak—with muthjooms or a hi creole. Mame was on the other se&fl pensive, her head leaning on her San.il Let the potatoes come home-fried,’ J stares In my mind, 'and brown the haSB in the pan. with nine poached eggs ol the sidt.’ 1 felt, careful, in my pooke* to see If I could find a peanut ©m .gm* or two of popcorn. ‘ Night came on again, with the Ttvei still rising, and the rain still falling. J looked at Maine and I noticed that dasl perate look on her face that a girl ways wears when she passes an Ice crea* lair. I knew that poor girl was hung* —maybe for the first time in her IIM There was rhat anxious look in her tr* that a woman has only -when zhe ha* missed a meal or feels her skirt coming unfastened in the back. I “It was about 11 o’clock or so on the second night when we sat, gloomy, i l our shipwrecked cabin. I kept pertin J my iniud away from the subject of food! cat it kept flopping back again beforJ 1 could fasten it. I thought of ever-1 thing good to eat I had ever heard ofl I went away back to my kidhood an il rememebered the hot biscuits sopped i T J sorghum and bacon gravy with partiaiitl and respect. Then I trailed along ol the years, pausing at green apples ana salt, flapjacks and maple, lye homlnyl fried chicken Old Virginia style, corn onl the cob, spareTibs and sweet potato pie,J and w..una up with Georgia BrunswivkJ vw, which Is the top notch of goo'i things to eat, because it comprises ’em! all. ] “Ttev say a drowntng man sees J pat. raina of his whole life pass hint. Well, when a man’s starring secs the ghost of every meal he eve;l *t out before him, and he invents newl dishes thut would make the fortune o:l a chef. If somebody would collect tfc < last words of men who starved to dear.O' they'd have to sift 'em mighty fine to discover the sentiment, but they’d com ile it 'j a cook book that would seij ,ato the millions. i I guess 1 must have had my conscience pretty well inflicted with culinary mediations tor, without Intending to do * 1 savs, out loud, to the Imaginary wai'er, Cut it thick and have it rare.' with the French fried, and six, soft Scrambled, on toast.' Mame turned her head quick as a wink. Her eyes were sparkling and she smiled sudden. Medium far me,’ she rattles out,i 'with the Juliennes, and three, straight up. Draw one, and brown the wheats, and tble order t..' come Oh, Jeff, wouldn't ir beg! ric-if' And then I’d like t| have a half fry, and a little chicken curried with r: e, and a cap custard with ice cream, and —' • ‘Go easy,’ I *wtere's the chicken liver pie and the kidney sautei on toast, and the roast lamb, and. ' •' 'Ufc,' cuts in Mame, all excited, “with mint sauce, and the turkey salad, and ?t:i!Ted olives cud raspberry tarts and ’ • Keep it going, - says I. ‘Hurry u!* .-ash, and the hot corn* pone with sweet milk, and don't forget tne apple dumplings with hard sauce, and the cross-barred dewberry pie ' "Y'es. for ten minutes we kept up that kind of restaurant repartee. We range* up and down and backward and forward over the main trunk lines and the branches of the victual subject, and Mame leads the game, for she Is apprised in the ramifications of grub, and the d!shes she nominates aggravates my yearnings, it seems that there is set up it feeling that Mame will lice up friendly again with food. It seems that she looks upon the obnoxious science of ant- 1 its with less contempt than before. ‘‘The next morning we find that flood has subsided. I geared up the bays and wo splashed out through the mud, some precarious, until we found the road again. We were only a few miles wrong, and in two hours we were In Oklahoma City. The first thing we saw was a big restaurant sign, and we piled Into there in a hurrv. Here I finds mvself sitting with Mame at table, with knives and forks and nlates between us, and she not scornful, but smiling with starvation and sweetness. “'Twas a n*w restaur art and well stocked. I designated a list of quotations from the bill of fare that made ths waiter look out toward the wagon to *ee how many more might be coming. “There we were, and there was the order being served. 'Twas a banquet fo* a dozen, but we felt like a dozen. I looked across the table at Mame and smiled, for I bad recollections. Mame was looking at the table like a boy looks at his first stem-winder. Then she looked at me, straight in the face, and two big tears came in her eyes. The waite* was gone after more grub. “ 'Jeff,' she says, soft like, Tvb been a foolish girl. I've looked at things from the wrong side. I never felt this wa\ before. Slen get hungry every day like this, don't they? They're big and strong, and they do the hard work of the worldJ and they don't eat just to spite silly* waiter girls ia restaurants, do they. You said once—that is, you asked me—* you wanted me to—well. Jeff, if you still care—l'd he glad and willing to have yon always sitting across the table from me. Now give me something to eat, quick, please“So, as I’ve said, a woman needs to change her point of view now and They get tired of the same old sights-* the same old dinner table, weshtub. an* sewing machine Give ’em a touch oS the various—a little travel and a little! rest, a little tomfoolery along with thol tragedies of keeping house, a little petting after the blowing-up. a little upsetting and jostling around—and everybodv in the game will have chips added to their stack by the play."

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