Indiana Palladium, Volume 7, Number 8, Lawrenceburg, Dearborn County, 26 February 1831 — Page 4

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From the Gem for 18 Ji. HOPS AND IOVE. One day, through Fancy's telescope, Which is my richest treasure, I saw dear Susan, Love and Hope Set out in search of Pleasure. All mirth and smiles I saw them go, Each was the other's banker ; For Hope took up her brother's bow, And Love his sister's anchor. They rambled on, o'er rale and hill, They passed by cot and tower: Through summer's glow and winter's chill, i urougn sunsnine ana inrougn snower ; Cut what did those fond playmates care For clime, or for weather? All scenes for them were bright and fair, Oa which they gazed together. Sometimes they turned aside to bless Some muse and her wild numbers, Or breathe a dream of holiness On beauty's quiet slumbers : 'Fly on,' said Wisdom with cold sneers, 'I'll teach my friends to doubt you ;' Come back,' said Age with bitter tears, lHy heart is cold without you." When Poverty bset their path. And threatened to divide them, They coaxed away the beldame's wrath, Ere she had breath to chide them, Dy vowing all her rags were silk. And all her bitters honey. And showing taste for bread and milk, And utter scorn of money. They met stern Danger in their way, Upon a ruin seated Before him kings had quaked that day, And armies had retreated But he wa9 robed in 6uch a cloud, . As Love and Hope came near him. That tho' be thundered long and loud, They did not 6ee or hear him. A grey-beard joined them: And Love vas nearly crazy nut uy iaiuc To find that he was very lame, And also very lazy Hope, while he listened to her talc, Tied wings upon his jacket And then they far outran the mail, And far outsailed the packet. And so, when they had safely passed O'er many a land and billow, Before a grave they stopped at last, Beneath a weeping willow The moon upon the humble mound Her. softest light was flinging And from the thickets all around. Sad nightingales were singing. 'I leave you here quoth father Time, As hoarse as any raven ; And Love kneeled down to spell the rhyme Upon the rude stone gravenBat Hope looked onward, calmly brave, And whispered, 'Dearest brother, We're parted on this side the grave We'll meet upon the other.' AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A JACK-KNIFE. I shall not here attempt to relate my origin or trace my pedigree; tho' I shrewdly conjecture that I was born in one of the workshops in Old England, and that my ancestors were a hardy iron sided race, full of bone and sinew, and endued with hearts of steel They were also, if I mistake not, a very bright sharp race, and possessed of a keen and cutting humor. As for myself, I was formed, as the good old lady said of her axe, out of nation good iron; and after due grinding and polishing, was pronounced fit to assume roy station among my fellow jack-knives in this busy bustling world. Like many other characters, who are no sharper than myself, I felt a disposition 10 cut my way to eminence and immortality. It is true 1 could not expect, like a razor, to travel over the "human face divine;" or like a carving knife, to make my way through lusty rounds and sirloins of beef; or like the sword, to mow off men's heads like so many clover-tops. Mine wa3 an humbler lot, and I was destined to be wielded by an humbler hand. And I declare I cannot to this day boast of ever having risen above tho dignity of paring turnips, cutting down saplings for oxgoads, making figure 4's for the destruction of rats, and whittling and notching the writing benches at school. The only living flesh 1 ever had the honor of cutting, was a boy's finger or a pig's tail ; and the only instances of carving in which I was ever employed were those of a chunk of cold pork or frozen hasty-pudding. ' But I am getting rather before my etory. 1 should mention that my first rise in the world, was to the shelf of a dealer in hardware and cutlery. Here I was promoted to the honor of being the show knife of a. package. For what reason I was preferred before my fellows, to this important station, 1 never could exactly make out. But whatever was the cause of this promotion, it did not tend in the least to my advancement in the world. My fellows of the same package went off, one after the other, while new and bright, and I was left to rust by exposure to the atmosphere, by opening and shutting, and especially by being breathed upon to see if I was possessed of a good temper. This silly criterion is very commonly resorted to among the vulgar, who are not aware that the signs they go by are altogether dependent upon the temperature of the blade. This ignorance of theirs operated to my detriment, for being more exposed than my fellows to the cold air, the breath would recede more slowly from my blade, and I was therefore pronounced of a very dull aispgsiuon j

With all these disadvantages, how

ever, I at last found a market, being purchased at half price seeing I was the last by a countryman, who had promised a jack-knife to his second son, a9 a reward for hi9 piohciency at school he being pronounced bv the unanimous vote of his father, a nation bright boy. To take the rust out of my joints, I was oiled with a feather dipped in a bottle of goose-grease, and wrought upon, until I would open and shut with a click, and was declared to have a "darnation Bmart spring." I thought myself sharp enough in all conscience ; out it seems my owner entertained a dulerent opinion, for he held my nose to the grindstone, then applied me to the hone, and lastly to what he called a "leather whetstone," until I was pronounced to be as sharp as a razor. Ji the youngster thought me sharp merely Dy me uagment ot tne eye, jl 1 . f . he was not long in having his opinion confirmed by the sense of feeling. For as he wa3 whittling a stick with vast satisfaction, he cut the fore finger of his left hand nearly to the bone, "Darnation take the jack-knife 1" said he, and threw me from one end of the room to the other. I hen shaking his hand & flirting about the blood in all directions, he ran bawling to his mother, who being a woman of extraordinary parts, exclaimed "Ah, I told vou so! I knew you would cut your fingers the moment I seen you have the knife, Thifl wns rnlrl rnmfnrf in hr sum. rind it i ? a i . r i , uaa a not oecn ior ine application ot some sugar and butter to staunch the blood, and a racr to bind un the wound, I verily believe the stout-hearted lad would have cried his eyes out. 1 mis cured mm, at least (or one while, of his propensitv for whittling; and though he picked me up and put mo in his pocket, he never afterwards

entertained a good opinion of me. In- the outward man, or whether considerdeed he embraced the first opportuni- ing it beneath the divinity of his cloth

ty to trade me off, which he did bT swapping me, in timejof school, for a bat-ball, lorn I humb's t olio, and The House that Jack Built. This negotiation, being contrary to the laws of school, he and his feilow bargainer were called up by the master, and sentenced to stand for half an hour in the middle of the room, with a split stick on the end ot their noses; and myself, together with the bat-ball. Tom Thumb's Folio, and The House that Jack Built, was adjudged to be forfeited, at least till alter school hours; and thus 1 had the honor once in my life of getting into tne pocket oi a pedagogue, We were released at the close of the day, and I was carried home by my new owner. Though this last was not so unlucky as to cut his own fingers, he did what he regretted quite as much, for he broke off my blade close to my handle, in attempting to pry open a box in which he had nailed up a peck of walnuts. "Rot the knife !" exclaimed he, "it7s brittle as a pipe-stem. But no matter, l cheated the teller like be hanged, when I swapped for.it." Thus consoling himself for the accident by reflecting how cutely he had overreached his school fellow, he coolly put me that is to say, all that was left of me into his trowsers pocket, with the charitable design of cheating the first boy he met. He was not long in want of an opportunity. "How will you swap knives unsight, unseen 2" said he to another lad a3 cute as himself. "For six-pence to boot," replied the other. "It's a bargain!" said my owner, supposing of course the other's was a whole one, and that therefore he could not be a loser in the trade. But he soon found to his cost that he had bantered me and his six-pence for nothing but the handle of a Barlow penknife, the horn of which vas broken from one side. I was several times swapped off during my mutilated state. At last falling into the hands of a trapper, ho took me to a blacksmith's to be repaired, observing that with a good blade, I should make "a real knife, to skin mush-squash with." I was soon provided with a new blade, but the trapper declared J was "too dam saft" for bis use, and gave me to his wife, to pair "ingyuns" with; in which employment still failing for lack of "grit," 1 was thrown about the house until a part of my handle was broken off, when not deeming it worth while to repair me, I was in that condition considered fit only to be given to the ugliest man. And here commenced the most active portion of my life, at least 6o far as frequent transfers and rapid travel may be set down to the account of activity. The trapper was by no means a beauty; and that circumstance probably made him the more desirous of discovering some face more homely than his own. He was at length successful, and whipping me out, he handed me without ceremony to his superior in ugliness. "What does all this mean?" said the donee, with an angry stare. "You're entitled to it," replied the trapper, "for I'll be squeezed to death if you aint the ugliest man of the two."

- ! "If lhafa your opinion, I'll soon girc

you cause to change it," said the other; and hitting the trapper a dig in the peeper, he put him, at least for that time, on a par with himself in point of ill look9 My new master, according to the custom in such cases, ws now busy in looking about for some fellow made by a still more bungling ot "uature s jour neymen." The specimen he hit upon wa3 a squinting barber, who, besides such a diversity cf vision that he seem ed to be luokiug out for one customer while he was shaving another, had a nose like a bpanisn potato, ana a mouth ugly enough to keep it company "By heaven 1" said my master, with great glee, as 6oon as he set eyes upon him, "there is my man," and hauling rne out, he said with a low bow, "Here, iuister, take tne lack-knite: ana it ever a man was richly entitled to any thing a I f !il AJ't j. you are to mis lor wiinoui nauery, you are the homeliest man 1 ever set eyes on !v rfho barber accepted of me, as in etiquette bound; but with a look a3 much as to say, "1 wish 1 had the 6having ofyou once, my sweet fel low ! if I didn't make you look gaskhil ly then many I have my throat cut. I wa9 thus transferred from one ugly man to another, and had an opportunity to learn, what I could not possibly have suspected, how mauy ugly fellows there are in the wotld. but amongst all into whose hands I had the honor of passing, I do not recollect one who I wn nlpnspd with ihfi fiftt rm thf rnn i . a c.i trary, most oi mem were as impatient to get rid of me as a spendthrift is of his last 6hilhn2 such pleasure do people take in hoding one more unfor tunate than themselves. lhe last hands into winch 1 came were those of a Doctor of Divinity, who, whether considering it hopeleis to find his superior in deformity of to pass me further, gave me to his wife, by whom I have now the honor to be employed in scraping her corns Whether I am to end my days thus, or what new changes await me, I am not sharp enough to foresee. In the mean time, while blade and handle stick to gether, I thought I could not be better employed than in giviug to the world these memoirs of my life. JV. Y. Constellation. Cause of (he first Murder. We are informed in sacred history, that Cain slew Abel because of the preference snown to the 6acrihcc ol the latter. Lsut tvo are not informed of the reason for that preference. An Oriental tradition, however, supplies this defect, and informs us, "that Cain and Abel having each of them a twin sister, as soon as they all became marriageable, Adam proposed to them, that Cain should marry the twin sister of Abel, and Abel the twin sister of Cain; alleging as his reason for this proposal, that as their circumstances obliged them to marry ineir 8i3ters, it was proper mat tnev should marry those that were seemingly the least related to them. To this proposal Cain would not agree, and insisted on having his own twin sister, because 6he was fairer than the other. Adam, displeased at his disobedience, referred the dispute to tho decision of the Lord; ordered his sons to bring each an offering before him; and told them that the offering which had the preference, would be a declaration in favor of him who presented it. On the offerings being brought, and that of Abel accepted, Cain, stimulated by jealousy and resentment, as soon as they came down from the Mount where they had been sacrificing, fell upon his brother and slew him." Ib. Rustic 7vit. In the township of New Milford, Ct., is a sandy plain, called, on account of its barrenness, by the expressive name of Pinch-Gut plain. Through this plain ran a small stream, and on tbi3 6tream one Solomon Hill had erected a mill for grinding corn. But by one of those unlucky chances, by which the best human calculations are disappointed, the faithless stream changed its course, so that poor Solomon's mill was left more than a mile from any water. This circumstance afforded an opportunity to some hoehandle wit to display his humor, and at the same time give the world a specimen of his talents at poet wry. The following was found written with chalk over the mill door: Solomon Hill, he built a mill, On Pinch-Gut sandy plain ; There was no water, in a mile and quarter, Unless there come a rain.'' A dispute on Capital punishment. An Irishman a while ago, fell into a dispute with general Root, on the subject of capital punishment. It was opposed by the general, and supported by the Irishman. Amongst other arguments in its favor, Patrick quoted Scripture, to which the general replied, by asking why God did net hang up Cain. "Why, and so he would," rejoined the Irishman, "but the reason he didn't do it was, that Cain run awny from him" J Y. Constellation.

Multojfs The Boston Commerical Gazette relates a laughable anecdote of Amblard, the Frenchman at whose house the Duke of Orleans boarded while at Boston. Amblard was a tailor. Having made a pair of pantaloons for a Mr. Lamb, but forgetting the name of his customer, he went into the market, and taking hold of a leg of mutton, inquired of the butcher "Vat you call disP "That is mutton." "Ila mutton, is it! Veil, vat you call de muttons baby?" The butcher answered, "lamb." "Oui!" exclaimed the Frenchman, "dat is him, Monsieur Laov:, is de ver man vat for I make de pantaloon!"

Conjugal Affection. Mr. P. a rich Indian plauter, one tempestuous evening, after supper, his stock of water being exhausted, sent his wife a short distance from the house for a fresh supplv. The thunder and lightning being excessive during her absence, a friend said to him "Why did you not send the girl (a slave) for the water, such a night as this, instead of your wife?" "Oh, no!" replied he, "that would never do; that slave has cost me forty pounds." Wrhat did Mr die of? asked a simple neighbor. "Of a complication of disorders," replied his friend "How do you describe this complication, my good;Sir?""He died," answered the other, "of two Physicians, an apothecary, and a Surgeon." Conundrums. Where did Noah strike the first nail in the Ark? On the head. Why is a tailor like a woodcock? He has a long bill. In which month do ladies talk the least? In February because it h shortest. Bachelors. Talk not to us of the sorrows of old maids: they are light as air in comparison to those of bachelors the patter of the small rain to the overwhelming of the deluge. Old maids can commune together and mingle in the charites and kindly offices and sympathies of existence. It is not so with the bachelor. Ho has no home he has no happy fireside no child to ask his blessing no beautiful creature of emiles and gentle tones to welcome his coming, and melt away the sternness of care with the warm kis3 of affection no patient watch at his couch of sick ness, stealing with a hushed and a gen tle step around him, like the visitation of a spirit. True his sorrows are la a I some wnat oi a negative cnaracter. But what is it save positive agony, for him to gaze, all his life long, upon the Paradise of Matrimony, like a half starved school boy upon the garden whose enclosure he cannot scale. THIS is to notify all those indebted to the undersigned that he will, on the first day of March next , sue all accounts that are not settled by that time, in alphabetical order, without reapect to person or 6izo of accounts. Those who have unsettled accounts, and wish to save cost, can surely settle tho same by note or otherwise within that time. N. 15. All notes due in tho year 1S30, will be sued if not paid by the timo abevo specified. JOHN SHOOK jr. February 5, 1831. 5 COVIjYGTOW COTTON FACTORY. ITTAVING doubled the quantity of MaJchinery in tho above Factory, the subscribers (pledge themselves to furnish at all times supplies of OOTTOH ITAIlMi any numbers required, and of a very superior quality, at Eastern cost and charges and a9 much lower as the reductioa in the price of Cotton will justify. CHS. MACALESTER jr. & Co. Cincinnati, Feb. 1, 18S1. 6 4w. Sheriff's Sale. Y virtue of an order of sale to me directed, from the clerk's office of tho Dearborn Circuit Court, I will expose to public sale at the court house door on the 26th instant, between the hours of 10 and 4 o'clock on said day, the undivided share of George McConnell to 192 Bcres of land, being a part of section 14, town 6, range I west, be the samo more or less, to satisfy an execution in favor of the state of Indiana, on tho complaint of Drusilla Fuller against said McCcnnell. John Spencer, S. D. C. February 4th, 1SS1. 5 TiiKEN UP by Joseph S. Lillard, living in Pos?y township, Switzerland county, Indiana, one BLACK FILLY fourteen bauds hish two years old last Spring some white hairs on her back; no other marks or brands perceivable. Appraised at nineteen dollars, by Stephpn liutts and Francis Arbucktl, before me this 3d day of January, 1831. ARIDERT GAZLAY, j. p. 5-3w.

B

MEDICAL COLLEGE BY and with the advice and consent of the Reformed Medical Society of the United States, the New Reformed Medical Institution has been located in Worthington, an interesting and flourishing town on the Whetstone river, eight miles north of Columbus, on the northern turnpike. This scite has been chosen because it prcsenst the greatest advantages to facilitate the researches of the Botanical student ths country around it abounding with every variety of medical plants j and the situation heing the most heaithy and delightful in the Western country nd because the occupancy of the large College Edifice, to gether w ith ground o; every variety of soil for an extensive liotaoical Garden ha9 been presented to us by the Doard of Trustees of Worthington College. There will be attached to the Institution, Dispensary for analysing end preparing Vjeable medicines and an Infirmary, where persons from the neighborhood or a distance, labouring under Fevers, Consumptions, Dyspepsia, Liver complaints, Gravel, Ulcers, Fistu. las, Cancers, &c. he. will be successfully treated, without BitEDiso, Mineral, or the Kkife, and from which the student will acquire a correct knowledre of the nature, operation, and

superior ofricacyof vegetable agents in removing disease. The necessity for an Institution of thi9 kind, in the West, to be under the direction of competent Professors is strikingly evident. It ia an institution that is designed to concentrate, and disseminate, all the knowledge and discoveries of Doctors of Medicine and empyrics, sages and savages i and that will demonstrate to the student and the sick that Vtgetable9 alone, afford the only rational, safr, and effectual means of removing disease, without impairing the constitution, or endangering life or limb. That the present system of Practice, which treats diseases of every form, with Metalic minerals, tha Lancet or the Knife, is dangerous, and inefficient the lamentable facta which every day present too fully illustrate. Nor is thi3 truth more clearly exhibited, than the fact, that Vegetable substances alone, are void of danger, and powerfully elT.cient when properly administered i a reference to the success of our New York Infirmary, and the success of ignorant Botanical physicians, prove this fact. The College and Infirmary will be opened the first week In December, where students from all parts may enter and complete their Medical education, and where persons labour ing under every species cf disease shall receive prompt and faithful attention. The course of study to be pursued, and which will be taught according to the OLD and the Kefoiihzs systems, by Lectures, Kecitations, Examinations and suitable text books, i3, 1 Anatomy and Physiology. 2. Cld and Iteformed Surgery 3. Theory and Practice of Medicine. 4- The old and an improved Bystem of Midwifery, with the diseases of women and. children. 5. Materia Medica, with practical and general Botany. 6. Medical & Botanical Chemistry and Pharmacy. 7. Stated Lectures an collateral Science Moral and Mental philosophy Phrenology Medical Jurisprudence Comparative Anatomy Medical History, &c. Sec. By attending this Institution, the Student will acquire a correct knowledge of the Present practice of physicians a knowledge of the use, and abuse, of Minerals, the Lancet, Obstetrical Forceps and the Knife, and aknowl edga of a new and Improred system, that supercedes their use, with ten fold more safety and success. There will be no specified tima to complete a course of study j whenever tha student is qualified he may graduate and receive a Diploma some will pass in one year, others will require more. REQUISITIONS FOR ADMISSION. 1. A certificate of good moral character. 2 A good English education. Terms The price of qualifying a person to practice, including a Diploma, and access to all the advantages of the Institution, will be $150 in advance, or $75 in advance, and gtlOO at the close of his studies. Every advantage given, and some allowance made to those in indigent circumstances Board will be had at 00 per week, and Books at the western city prices. QCjEvcry student on entering Wrorthington College, will become an honorary member of the Keformed Medical Society of the U. S. from which he will receive a Diploma, and an Annual Itepnrt of all the doings and discoveries of its different members, and be entitled to all its constitutional privileges and benefits. Those wishing further information will please address a letter (post paid) to Col. G II. Griswcld, or the undersigned, and it shall receive prompt attention. Students and others, had better beware of the slanders of the present physicians, who know no more about our institution, than they do about Botanical Medicine. J.J.S TEEL E, President. Worthington. Ohio, Oct. 1. 1830. 46-lyr. WAR DEPARTMENT, 1 TT 1 ;ton November 17, 1830. w C3 1 PENSION AND BOUNTY LAND REGULATION, THE many impositions which are eltempted in relation to Pension end bounty Land Claims, has caused the Department of War to establish a regulation, which declares that no attention will, in future, be given to applications from persona who act as Agents, unless they are known at the Department, or are vouched for as respectable persons by some one who ia known. Notice of thi3 regulation ia hereby given; and that all may be informed thereof, It is requested that publishers of the laws of tho United States, in the respective States will insert the same, on the front page of their respective papers, for three months. By order of the Secretary of Wat: J. L. EDWARDS, First Clerk- Pension OJjice. WILLIAM GORDON, First Clerk Bounty Land OJee. February 5. 5 3m. INDIANA PALLADIUM, PRINTED AND rURLlSIIED BY Publisher of the Laws of the United States liiill The Palladium ia printed wetkiy, un super royal paper, at TH11EE DOLLAUb, per annum paid ut the end of the year; but which may be discharged by lhe payment (if TWO ISO LL A US in advatice or b paying TWO DOLLMtS aui FIFTY CENTS at the expiration of six months rhote who recede their pipers by the mail carrier, musi pay the carriage, oihcrvt ise it Will be added to their bubscripUon.