Indiana Palladium, Volume 6, Number 44, Lawrenceburg, Dearborn County, 6 November 1830 — Page 4

From the Western Spy. Linet occasioned by hearing a person toy, all women are vid of Virtus. This impious language, foolish roan, forbear, Hast thou not prov'd a mother's tender care; Does no lov'd sister live, to make thee biest, Aad cannot beauty warm thine icy breasi? lltste, seize the cord, the poison, or the steel; The heart should cease to beat that cannot feel. Woman no virtue has', he has no shame Whose baleful tongue thus brand3 his mother's name. Oh lovely woman! lovely virtue s pride, Heaven's sweetest blessing, worth the world beside; In thee we seek for friendship and we nd Thee all benevolence and more than kind; Mercy and thou wert sent from Heaven here To give misfortune what she loves a tear. How vast the meaaing in a wonran's name: Rel gion, honor, virtue, love and fame; As sacred as the turf which hides the brave. Or willow weeping o'er the virgin's grave. Sweet willow, charmer of the pensive miad, j How graceful o'er Eli2afs grave reclmM. Thy silent grief proclaims, what well I know, Tis beauty's darling dwells in dust below. Accept, dear shade, the tribute of a tear, Thy voice was grateful to my Mry s ear. As Mary's name c mea trembling o'er my lyre, This ardent bosom beats with wrin desire. Oh! for the wed Jed state a gentle wife Like her. would cancel ha'f the cares of life: Proclaim my merits with an ardent zeal, In woman's pity a I my faults conceal. Long as my soul stick to this wreck, so long Her name shall cheer me and inspire my song; Long as departed worth deserves a tear, Be woman's honor vindicated here.

THE EHOHATED HAT, A British sailor, who had just returned from a long and successful cruise, and was paid off, hastened to London, in order to rid himself of his hard earned gold, which literally burned in his pockets. Jack was a seaman every inch of him, and became completely miserable, after three weeks absence from his beloved element. " In vain had he entered into all the dissipation and extravagances of the metropolis ccmeatable by his elass. His cash appear ed inexhaustible. His old habits now returned upon him with such force, j that to sea he must aeain. Accordingr . cj w ly, he shipped on board an elegant brig bound to a United States' port, (a general peace having restored to him his freedom of will) and was ordered by the master to join her at Gravesend on a given day. Jack continued his best endeavors to render himself pennylee until that day was so near at hand, that it was impossible for him to be a mn of his word without the aid of a stage coach. He however prayed to Neptune for a head wind, and took it a loot; cause why he preferred tlv pedeslnal to the vehicular mode of travelling. He journeyed along solus eunvola, until the dinner hour arrived, when his stomach gave him some broad hints that it needed a refreshment ol timber; be stopped at the first inn which pre sented itself, and called tor the best dinner the bill ot fare afforded, a pint of brandy, and a bottle of port. Not that Jack loved wine, but he had a cumbersome balance, in his pocket, which iru peded his walking. The waiters star ed at him hke stuck pigs, but stood as motionless as though they had been petrified, until he jingled his purse, which was stored with what an Englishman delights to look upon yellow boys. There is no letter of introduction, or travelling companion equal to ready rhino. Jack was speedily served ; ate and drank to his heart's content, and called for his bill. It was brought, and a pretty exhorbitant one it was. He was about to discharge it, when a brilliant thought struck him, and he requested to see the keeper of the inn. Boniface made his appearance, when Jack, in the fullness of his wisdom, told him he wished to pay him double. Do you see as how, shipmate, this here is the thin" 3 am bound to Gravesend on a cruise to America, but have over stayed my time in Lunnun. Now if so be the ship has sailed, I moute be put in Hocklety how to get back, and my lower works suffer for want of provision. So I wants to pay you double, and I means to pay every body double as I goes this load again. But how will I know you in case the ship has left you ? inquired the landlord. Is that all? quoth Jack. Here then is my hat . When I call's I'll put it on my left hand, and twirl it thus with my right once twice thrice and then you will be sure to remember me. The necessary orders were given to theservant Jack paid double and continued to do so, until he reached the place of his destination, and found the vessel gone sure enough. He remained in Gravesend till his last penny was expended; and then set out for Lunnun to seek for other employ. On the n ad he overtook two simple pedlars, whose exhausted packs required replenishing, and who were travelling the same way. They joined company in the neighborhood of a turnpike gate, when the Israelites were no a little astonished to find that Jack gave three twirls of his hat, in lieu of money, for passing it. One of his inns was now hard by. He proposed to them to go in, and dine; But "dey cant not nefort dat; dey hat sum goot pret and shees in deir packs and vould dine pun dat, and caul him Ten dey hat tun." Well in goes Jacki

dines sumptuously chuckling all the while at the astonishment which his fellow travellers had exhibited at his novel mode of discharging his turnpike fare. Having despatched as much of the good things of this world as he could possibly stow away, he ordered them to be called. Thev had never looked upon so superb a dinner before, and would scarcely credit thei. senses when he divided the better hall of a bottle of wine betwixt them, and with as authoritative a voice as if he

had been the prince regent himself, (I ask his royal highness's pardon re - port says he is above paying his bills,) railed for the bill. It was produced he gravely twirled his hat three times. What's to pay now you dog? not a penny your honor. Jack led the way to the public road the Jews following with uplifted hands! They proceeded onward till they readied another of Jack's hotels, when the severity of the weather getting the better of the Jews' parsimony, they accompanied him in and engaged a bed, but wished no supper. (The pack was to be resorted to after they retired, jocular reader.) Meanwhile our seaman was feasted -shown to the best unoccupied bed in the house, breakfasted in the morning and three j twirls of the hat paid the reckoning. They pursued their march to the great city; the enchanted hat rendered a purse unnecessary for Jack, until they reached the last stage. The pedlars had held repeated consultations by the way, and the result was that Jack's hat muot be purchased, cost what it would. They had already felt his purse on the subject, but he was prepared for it, by w hat had incautiously escaped them at different times; and too cunning a bird to be caught with chain nis last irm was now entered, and the same farce acted again. The virtues of Jack's beaver (by the by it was made of wool,) had now ceased, and it would have been an acconimotiation tohirn, ifotherwise situated, to have parted with it for half a crown; but he well knew he could replenish his purse with it at the expense cf the credulous Israelites, who would have sworn upon the Old Testament, until they were black in the face, that it would enable the holder to eat f and drink, and lodge free, ad infinitum. They were within a mile of London, and the hat unpurchased. A few minutes more, and they might be forever separated from this eighth wonder of the world. No time was to be lost. They resolved to strike a bold stroke, and offered one hundred guin- j ?as for Jack's head piece. He laueh-! eas lor jacK s neaa piece, lie laugh ed the oiler to scorn. This made the luckless wights yet more ataious, and after a great deal of highng a bargain was struck, whereby Jack got one hundred and sixty guineas, and the newhat of one of the circumcised, (for he, was too proud to make his appearance in town bareheaded,) for property not intrinsically worth nineteen pence. The money in his purse, and the new beaver on hi6 head, Jack took the earliest opportunity to dissolve the co-partnership, by leaving our pedlars in the lurch; they exulted as he departed, and were not a little tickled at the idea of their having overreached a christian. They were io eat and drink the best, and had no turnpikes, so long as they both should live. They made up their minds to seek the beat house and take a fortnight's holiday. Their circumstances and rigid economy had hitherto deprived them of a comfortable meal, and they would now make themselves ample amends for all former privations. Yes dat dey would. It occured to Moses, however, who had rather more sense than his brother Aaron, (they were so named,) that, as they were to put up at the first hotel, and live as gentlemen, they ought to dress as such, j Fashionable second hand clothing was to b be procured at a bargain, and after; eir frolic was over they could dispose j th of it in the country at a profit. They forthwith repaired to a barber's and get well shaved, (for their beards had j uei:n ijj i-uuiunj& . 1 c itjvjiitiijj mounted tasty wigs from thence bent! their course to Monmouth street were accommodated with every finery requisite cheap, cheap, dirt cheap fixed upon a hotel drove thither in an elegant hired carnage engaged apartments for a fortnight, ordered a magnificent dinner and retired to their sitting room which was furnished with a pair of full length pier glasses. The coast being clear, they viewed themselves in them, and were charmed with their appearance; and well they might, for neither of them had ever before been master of a decent suit. "Mine Got!" said Aaron "mother Rebecca, and Father Levi, and aunty Ruth, and zister Rachel!" J "Yes," said Moses, (who always bore the main chance in mind,) and dink dat ve vas fritting away our substance, but dey cant no bout de hat, broder Aaron, 1 cud die vid laliing ven I dink on dat foolman of a sailor to zell such a treasure.' Don't you think it is time courteous reader, that I should conclude this ridiculous story? SurKce it to say then, that they lived upon the

fat of the land for a fortnight, and then determined to go to work again. Indeed they could not relish a life cf idleness, having never been accustomed to it. It amounted to the trifling turn of sixty-live guineas; but they possessed the hat, and did not take the trouble to examine the items. The woollen beaver was twilled, and twirled and twirled again. Veil sir, (to the landlord,) vat do ve owes you now? ha? Sixty-five guineas, gentlemen, as account rendered. Oh, my good Got! said Aaron, and their countenances

! lengthened al least a yard by the square. But stop, Moses, may be you an t turn it rite. Gile me de hat. And he twilled it to no better purpose. The patience of their host was soon exhausted, and when he discovered that it was expected that the hat would pay for all, he considered his boarders as swindlers, and became outrageous, His money or a jail, with a prosecution under the swindling act, were the only alternatives he offered for their consul eration. They had already tasted the sweets of Newgate, and at the bare mention of it, the hair of their heads bristled up, Hike quills upon the fretted porcupine!" They were yet masters of three hundred guineas; they proi duced the hoard, discharged the debt, and narrowly escaped being kicked out of doors. They were proceedingr on foot to Duke's place with all exoedition, for a carriage was no more to be thought of, when passing by a fash ionable reading room, and hearing repeated bursts of laughter issue there from, cutiosity prompted them to walk in. Assured!) 'their evil genius directed them thitherward. For Jack had blabbed; the hoax he put upon them j had found its way into the News, and had occasioned the boisterous merriment which had attracted their attention. They retreated overwhelmed with confusion, saying to each other, with Smoilet's Gambler, (they had reached Peregrine Fickle, I suppose "A tarn bite by !!P' THE MONKEY. I ance had a monkey, ane of the drol lest locking fellows ye ever saw. He was gayan big for a monkey, and was hairy a'over, except his fate and his bit hurdies, which had a degree of bareness about them, and were nearly as salt as a lad)'s loof. Weil, what think ye that I did wiJ the beastit ? OJs, man, I d rested him like a iieelandman, and put a kilt upon him, and a long-tailed red coat a,1(i a hiv bonne!, which for secuiity's sake, I lied, woman like, helow his chin, wi' twa bits o' yellow rib and, i not only did thi, but I learned him to walk upon his two bind legs, and to carry a stick in hia right hand when he gaeil out, the better to support him in his peregrinations. Ane afternoon towards the gloociin, I was obliged to tak' a slop dcun to the cross, wi' a web under my arm, which 1 had Goished for Mr. Weft, the muslin manufacturer. By way of frolic, a gayan foolish ane I allow, I brocht Nosey alang wi' me. It was after a7, a queer sight, and, as may be supposed, I drew a hail! crowd o' bairns after me, bawling out,7 'Here's Willy M'Gee's monkey y5? and gi'ng him nits and gingerbread, and makin' as much o' ihe creafur as could be, for Nosey was a great favorite in the town, and every body likit him for his droll tricks, and the way he used to grin and j dance, and tumble oyer his head to . i amuse mem. j Mr. Weft's shop, I found i On entering it emptyy there was na a leeving, soul within. I supposed he had gane out for a lichi, and being gayan familiar ui him, i took a slap ben to the back shop, leavii g Nosey in the fore ane. i sat for twa or three minutes, but nat body made his appearance At last the front door, which I had ta'en care to

shut after me, opened, and Mook't tojawa hame,and sleep it off.' see what it could be, thinking that, nae I At this speech the Heelandman lost

doubt, it was Mr, Weft, or his apprentice. It was neither the ane nor the ither, but a strong middle aged, redfaicu ijcci jiiuci j wi tpecus on, anu wi' a kilt and bonnet, by aJ the war Id like my raoiuey'g. low wnat trunk' y e Nosey was about a' this time ? He was sittin' behind the counter upon the lan three-leggit stool that stood forenent Mr. Weft's desk, and was turning over the leaves of his leger wi' a look which, for auld-fasbioned sagaciousness, was wonderful to behold. I was sae tickled at the sicht, that I paid na sort of attention to the Heelander, but continued looking frae the back shop at Nusev, laughing a' the time in my sleeve for I jealoused that some queer scene would take place atween the twa. And I wasna far wrang, for the stranger, taking out a pound note frae his spigelian, handed it over to the monkey, an' speered at him, in his d roll northan dee--v V I .... aieci, ir ue cuuiu cirnnge a note. When 1 heard this, I thought I would hae laughed outright; and naetbing but sheer curiosity to see how the tbin would end, made me keep my gravity. Il was plain that Donald had ta'en No sey for ane of his countrymen; and the thing after a', was na greatly to be wondered aU and that for three reasons:

Firstly, the shop was rather dark-

Isii. Secondly, the Heelandcr had on his speck?, as 1 hae just snid, and it was likely on this account that he was raiher shortsighted; and, Thirdly, Nosey w'r his kilt, and bonnet, and red coat, was to a' intents and purposes, as like a human cratur as a monkey could wee I be. Nae sooner, then, had he got the note, than he opened it out, and lookit wi' his wee glowrin' een, as if to see if it was na forgery. He then shook h:s head like a doctor, when he's not sure what's wrang wi' a person, but wants tomak' it appear that he kens a' about it and continued in this style till the Hcelandmau's patience began to get exhausted. 'Can ye no shange the not1, old shertleman?' quoth Donald. Nosey gi'ed t his head another shake, and lookit uncommon wise. 'Is the note not goot, sir?' spak' the Heelandaran, a second time; but the cratur, instead of answering him, only qi'ed another of his wise shakes, as much as to say, I'm not very sure about it.' At this D maid lost temper. 'If the note does na please ye sir,' quo' he, 4l'll thank ye to qie it me back again, and I'll gang to some ither place.' And he stretchit out his hand to tak1 hauld ct, when my frien' wp the tail, liftii.g j up his stick, len him sic a whack owre j the fingers, as made him pu' back io the twinkling of an ee. 'Got tarn ve, ye aold scoundrel,' said the man; 'do ye rnaen to take my muney frae me?' And he lifted up a rung big eneuc h to foil a slot, and flee al the monkey ; but Nosey was owre quick for him, and jumping aside, he itched on a shelf before ane could say Jatk Robinson. Here he rowed up the note, and put it into his coat pouch like any rational crealur. Not only this, but he rnockit the Iieelandman by a manner of means, shooting out his tongue at him, and grinning wi' his queer and outlandish physiognomy. A' thegether he was desperate impudent, and eneuch to try the patience oj a saum, no to speak o' a het bluided Heelandman. it was nude for sair een to see

now uonaia oenavii on mis occasion. ; whcn he saw the ridiculous mistake He raged like ane demented, misca'-1 , hat the iieelandman had fa'en into, ing the monkey beyond measure, and j and I thocht he would hae bursted his swearing as mony Gaely aiths asides wi' even down merriment. At micht hae saird' an ordinal man for a ; tr5t Donald lookit desperate angry; twahr.ote. During this time I never j and judging frae the way he was twiststeerd a fool, but keepit keeking frae Wrr his mouth and rowing bis een, t the back shop upon a' that was ganging ; opined that he intended some deadly on. I was highly delighted; and jtai- j skaitb to ihe monkev. But his guide ousing that Nosey was over supple to j sense, of which Heelar.dman are net beeasily catched,! had na apprehension ; thegither destitute, got the better of for the event, and remained snug inrny ! his anger, and he roared and laucheci birth to see the upshot. j i,i.c tie very mischief. Nor was this In a short time in comes Mr. V,Teft, J a; for no g0oner had be begun to lauch, wi7 a piece of lowing paper in his hand, ! than the monkey did the same thinp,

inaiue uau g.u rrae me nexi aoor io lieni me sn p; ana no sooner aia jfonald see him than he ax'd him for his note. 'What note, honest man?' said Mr. Weft. Got dam,' quo' Donald. 'the note the oia scour.urti, your grai.uiamer, stele! 1J i . r , . 'My grandfather!' answered the ither vi5 amazement. kI am thinking, honest man, ye hae had a glass owre, mutkle. My rrrandfatber has bfen dead these sixteen years, and 1 ne'er heard tell till now that he was a thief.' Weel, weel, then,3 quo' the Iieelandman, I don't care neathing about it II he's no your grandfather, he'll be your faither, or your blither, or your cousin.' 'My father or my brother, or my cousin!' repeated Mr. Weft, I maun tell you plainly, frien,' thai I hae neither father, nor briihtr, nor cousin, of any description, on this side o'the grave. i dinna understand ye, honest man; 1 reckon that y e hae sat owie Jang at the whiskev. and env advice to ve istostan a' patience, and lookit sae awfully fairee, that ance or twice I was on the nick of comin' forit and explaining how matters stood : but curiosity keepit me chained to the back shop, and Ijast thocht 5 would hide a wee, and tee how the afTrtir was like to end. 'Pray, wha are ye, sir?' said Donald putting his hands on his sides, and looking through his specks upon Mr, Well, like a devil incarnate, 4wha are ye, sir, tb.a dare to speak to nie in this manner V 'Wha am 1 said the ither, dropping the remnant of the paper which was burning close to his finger?, 41 am Saunders Weft, manufacturer in Hamilton, thalrs wha I am.' 'And I am Tonald Campbell, pipeTs sister's son to hi3 Grace the great grand Tuke of Argle,' thundered cut the Heelandman, via voice that was fear some to hear. 'And what about that?' qno1 Mr. Weft, rather snappishly, as I thocht. 'If you weic the great grand Duke oi Argyle himself, as ye ca him, I'll not permit you to kick up a duit in my shop.' Ye scoundrel,' said Donald, seizing Mr. Weft by the throat, and shaking him till he tottered like aa a?nen leaf,

'div y mean to Fpeak ill cf his grace the Tuks f Argyle T and he gi'ed him another shake: then laying held cf his nose he swore that he would pull't as long a5 a cow's tail, if he did'nt that instant restore him his lost property. At this sicht I began to grow a-owre, and now saw the needcessity of stopping ben, and saving my employer from farther damag, bodily or itherwise. Nae sooner had I made my appearance than Donald let go his grip of Mr. Weffi nose, and the latter in a great passion, cried cut William M'Gee, I tak' ye to witnes what 1 hae suffert Irom thij bluidthirsty Iieelandman ! It's no' to be endured in a christian country. I'll hae the law of him, that I will. Til be whippit but I'll hae amends, although it cos's me twenty pounds!' . What's the matter?' quo' I, pretend ing ignorance o' the hail concern. 'What in the name of Nebuchadnr zzar has set ye thegither by the lugs?' Then Mr. Weft began his tale, how he had been collared, and well nigh thrappled in hia ain shop. Then the ither lauld how in the first place Mr. Weft's grandfather, as he ca'ed Nosey, had stolen) his note, and how in the second place 11 r. W. himself had insulted the great grand Tuke of Argyle. In a word, there was a desperate kickup between them, the ane threeping that he wid tak' the law cf the ither immediately. Na, in this respect Donald gaed thei greatest lengths, for he 6wore that rather than be defeatit he would e'en carry his cause to the House o1 Lords, although it cost him thretty pounds sterling. I now saw it was time to put in a word. 'Hout tout, gentlemen,' quo' I, what's the use of a' this clishmaclaver? I'll wager ye a penny-piece, that my monkey, Nosey, is at the bottom of the business. Nae sooner had I 6pokcn the word, than the twa looking round the shop? spied the beastie sitting upon the shelf, grinning at them, and putting out his tongue, and wiggle-waggling his walking stick owre his left elbow, as if he had been playing upon the fiddle. Mr

Weft at this apparition set up a loua lauch: his passion left him in a monent , and held its sides in orceesely the same manner, imitating his actions in the most amusing way imaginable. This only set Donald a lauching mair than ever; and when he lifted up his nieve, and shock it at Nosey in a goodhumoured wav. what think von that tha J ' -J crater did?-Odds, man, he took the note frae his pouch, where it lay rowt d up like a ba, and popping it at D maid .hit him as fairlv on the nose ai j it had been shot out of a weel-aimed musket. There was nae resisting this, haill three, or rather the haill four, for Nosy joined us, set up a loud lauch, and the He landman's was the loudest of a,' showing tnat he was really a man of sense, and could ta'e a joke as wed trs hs netbours. Wh n the laurhin had a wee bit subsided, Mr. Campbell, in order to rhor that he had no ill wull to Mr. Weft, ast'd his pardon for the rough way he had treated hirn, but the worthy manufacturer wadna hear o'tt 'flouts, man 'cuo' he. dina sav a word about it it's a mistake a' thither. and Solomon bim?ei, y e ken, whiles gaed wrang.' Whereupon the Iieelandman bocht a Kilmarnock nightcap, price eleven pence halfpenny, frae Mr. Weft, and paid him part of the very note that brocht on the very ferly 1 has been relating. But his good wull did -na end here, for he insisted on taken us, Noey amang the lave, to the nearest public, where he gied us a friendly g!a?s, and we keepit tawkin' about monkay ?, and what note, in a manner a' once edifying and amusing to hear. INDIANA PALLADIUM, 1-hl.NTF.D AND rLHLlSHED BY Publisher cf ihe Lavs of the United States TEILMS. The PAitAirn is printed weekly, on surer rrval vper. t THREfc DOLLARS, pt-r anmi'n paid at the end of ihe year; but vhicti nuy bs discharged by the pityriient t! TWO IXil.LRS in advance, or bv pnying TWO HOLLA US ml FIFTY CENTS at ' the expira tion ot j inorJht, Those who receive their papers by the ma 'I carrier, raust pty the carnage, otherwise it will be rhird on their subscription. I Ihlgs! Itdgs! Tuo cents per pound in CASH will hi piidfor any quantity of clean Linen