Indianapolis Recorder, Indianapolis, Marion County, 26 January 2001 — Page 2

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THE INDIANAPOLIS RECORDER

FRIDAY, JANUARY 26,2001

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CHOICE Continued from A1 relative instability of some Black fathers and the myths of being the strong Black superwoman. As a result. I had to turn my attention to academic journals. I discovered that prior to Roe V. Wade. Black women accounted for 75 percent of the deaths resulting from illegal abortions. Since its legalization. Black women’s 'behavior toward opting for an abortion starkly contrast their reported views. While Black women have more abortions that white women, earlier polls reveal that Black women appear more conservative on the topic. In my research. I found that this contradiction is strongly held to religious convictions and the idea that abortion is a subtle form of genocide. Neither polls nor studies provided me with any personal comfort. Although sexism and sexual freedom are contemporary issues for all women in this country — Black women have a special history in America that dates back to a time when horrendous atrocities were committed such as sexual and reproductive bondage. We've learned by example that becoming a mother is not to be taken lightly. It's a lifetime cbmmitpient that requires an unlimited reserve of love, strength, wisdom, compassion and empathy. Therefore. the discovery of an unexpected pregnancy can either be a pleasant surprise or a deadly doom. A woman’s decision to have a child in the midst of attending school, an upwardly mobile career, a difficult relationship or financial instability can be heartwrenching. Unlikeour mothers and their mothers before them, we have the option for a safe and legal abortion. But then there are questions that only we can answer: • Does having a choice make dealing with an unplanned pregnancy any easier? • Are there any optimal reasons to abort or have a child? • What moves a woman to make a particular choice? The following are real-life stories of women who have faced these questions. They have been at the crossroads of these life-altering decisions. Regardless of our sociopolitical beliefs on the legitimacy of abortion, we should recognize all women — those who understood their limitations and opted to

postpone motherhood and those who believed they could be successful mothers in spite of the odds against them. Some of you may even recognize yourself in some of these women and come to understand their individual struggle. I've selected a few of these stories because they reflect respective attitudes on abortion, men, selfesteem. single parenthood, marital stress, career, educational issues, financial security, religion and rape. They also reveal the honest emotions of joy, anger, hope, despair, guilt and contentment. The names have been changed to protect their anonymity, during a very private and personal decision. I didn’t want to be one of those daughters who was brining a child home to their parent’s house. I’m sure I could have made it as a single mother, but the question was: Did I want to? Alicia, 31, an insurance agent. I've always been into the progression of the American dream, the progression of life — graduate from high school, go to college, get a good job. get married, white-picket fence, 2.5 kids and all that kind of stuff. I guess I have a set Way of how I want life to be; and if my life isn't going in the direction I want, then it's hard to deal with. At 24, I always said, “Tm grown and can’t nobody tell me anything. People can't judge me. or whatever, because the decisions I make are for me.” Then, everything came down on me at once. The person I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life was gone. The job I had was gone. I had no money, and I was in a state by myself. No family. It all happened at once. Yeah, I was old enough to deal with it, but age, at the time, had nothing to do with it. Iwas thinking;,Damn, I’m moving back home pregnant. Lost my job. I thought people were going to be like — She is real dumb and stupid, and now she’s having a baby. She’s putting a burden on her family and taking away from what her sister can have; opportunities that her parents are trying to give her sister. I didn't want to be one of those daughters who was bringing a child home to their parent’s house. I'm sure I could have made it as a

single mother, but the question w as: Did I want to? I don’t know if 1 even thought of the moral aspect of having an abortion then. Some people would have had the baby, but I guess it depends on their circumstances. 1 always said that I never wanted to bring a child in the world without it having both parents. Each person has to make up her mind for what’s best for her, ‘cause what’s best for me ain’t best for everybody. A lot of people feel they can do a lot of things on their own even if a relationship breaks up. 1 think it would have been easier had the person I was dating been somebody who people would have looked up to and said, “OK, he’s all right.” But in terms of him coming to see his child, or trying to take care of it, or send money or be responsible, he wasn’t going to do that. So I was like, “I can't raise no kids like that.” I opted to have an abortion. Of course, the curiosity factor is there. I wonder what the baby would have looked like? Was he a boy? Was she a girl? I go through those kinds of things? And then the biological-time clock is still ticking like crazy. I’ll be 30 years old in two years, and I’m like, “When are the kids coming?" “When is the husband showing up?” I do have a fear of raising a chid myself. Idon't want todoit. I want to be married first. Andrea, 29, a doctoral student. It was early in our relationship; we hadn’t been together very long. I was married and I started having an affair with someone early in the fall, and I got pregnant by my lover in the spring. It was unplanned and unwanted on his part and unplanned but wanted on mine. I was adamant about going to term, but he wanted me to have an abortion, and that created a problem. He distanced himself from me. Eventudfty we stopped talking to each other. I felt at that point I had no choice but to have an abortion. I had no indication that things between us were going to get better. I already had two sons by my husband who I was divorcing, and that was very ugly and very hostile. Custody wasn’t yet determined with my husband’s children, but I didn’t know if my pregnancy by another man was something that would be used against me. When the affair ended, he said he would want custody. I was going through the same thing with

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my ex-husband. I didn’t have the strength to fight two men over custody. I didn't want to have another child by a man who I was not going to stay with for the rest of my life. It’s ugly to have children by different men and you’re single. I didn't want that. There were other factors, but my partner wasn’t supportive and I wasn’t comfortable. I had an abortion after our affair ended. It was a difficult decision. Although I love my sons, they too were unplanned and unwanted. Yet 1 accepted them, and I’m glad that I had them. Ironically, the life that I aborted was the one I really wanted. I guess the man 1 had an affair with did some soul searching, because he wanted to get back together, after I had already had the abortion. When he found out that I wasn't (pregnant), I think in some way he was relieved. We started being friends, and then we started dating each other again. 1 still love him, but 1 am also disappointed. I understand in terms of maturity that we were at different points in our lives. We were both in our mid-20s, and that was a difficult time for both of us. I’m still resentful, but I can’t blame him because I made the decision. I know that whatever happens, I have to answer for it. Custody wasn’t yet determined with my husband’s children, but I didn’t know if my pregnancy by another man was something that would be used against me. Abortion is an unfair burden to put on a woman, because men have to be responsible too. When the baby was conceived, he was certainty aware of what could happen. 1 mean I was fully aware, and 1 was willing to accept the responsibility. There is a privilege and luxury that men enjoy that women do not.

or two parents and so we have that example, but we don’t know intimately before we have a chi Id what it means to be a parent. Yet women accept that responsibility. It takes courage to have a child when you realize no one is going to be there for you. It's (a) cliche now when we say to single mothers: "Oh you're so strong." But it’s hard. It can be done; it’s being done everyday. But it's hard when you have to be mother, father, uncle, aunt, cousin, grandma — every-

“We can’t find anything wrpng with you,” said the doctor who

examined me.

“Well, I am not feeling well, 1 ” I said. “My head is spinning, and my stomach hurts.” 7 “Well, could you be pregnarit?”

a nurse asked.

“Are you crazy?” I answeted. “There’s no possible way.” ’* Her remark echoed in my mmd as I made an appointment witfran obstetrician who told me I was four months pregnant. '* I was completely shocked?, I

thing to a child. I would never say . > that a woman is foolish or irre- didn’t realize I had missed three

sponsible if she decides to have a cycles.

child on her own. I think she is

courageous.

Every now and then when my boyfriend and I talk about it, the feeling creeps up. He knows it’s a sore spot for me. I have forgiven him, but 1 haven’t forgotten. I don't want to forget. I think having an abortion is something that I should

always remember.

Anne, 50, a retired

social worker.

My husband was as surprised as I. Having a baby was certainly something that we had not discussed or even considered. I guess we both thought we were past* it. After all, eight years had passed and nothing had happened. ' I remember being angry about it. Why did it have to happen now? How could this happen? Yet I never thought to have an abortion. “It’s goin’ to be your baby,” I told my husband. “You’re sitting

Right around my 40th birthday, •'"“"■e with him. |•mnol S ittin ! jat

, ■ , u i ; home. I want my career. 1 was in distress. 1 had gone back to 1

school when I noticed my period was late. I remember being petrified. “Oh no. Not now. Not again.” I went into a nearby closet and 1 prayed. I let the Creator know I’d rather die than to have another baby. And I truly believe that if there is any such thing as a spiritual abortion, I experienced it. 'Cause He knew I did not want to go through having an abortion again. Within the week, my period returned and I was overjoyed — actually, over-

zealous with joy.

Betty, 44, a real estate developer. My career was going very well. I was steadily advancing, so starting a family was not in the center of my thoughts. I had gone on a long, 25 mile walk for the March of Dimes, and figured since I was not in great physical shape the sudden burst of energy threw off my men-

Normally I can hide my feelings, but it was so obvious that I was despondent that even the manager at my job called me into'his

office one day.

“This is awkward, but I know how you feel. Don’t worry,,the baby is not going to stop anything. You have a future at the company. You are a very bright and energetic employee, and I think you’re letting this get you down.” I don’t remember my reply. I guess I was just shocked that other people noticed it. I was so utterly

devastated.

Even with IIJDs, there have been reported cases when babies come out •. holding them in their hand. I believe the powers of the universe,, are much greater than - one person.

An embryo is literally a part of us. strua i cvc i e

For men, they’re disconnected* so &) 11 ui dr^ Tp^ase me 1 that 1' had ’'f^akldyfng around one Sunday it’s easy for them to walk away."” mnlsejfit'.’ljust‘HoughYlhe strenu-'' ™ Drt, > n g feeling sorry fof Fear nmmnts them to walk awav— ou!> exercise and activity was the deling depressed, and moaning fyid

cause. I had lost 35 pounds because ^ oanin g about m y ,ife - 1 waHn

I was jogging on a stationary jogger. taking®aerobic dancing, and almost every evening I was going to Weight Watchers. I was finally getting my body back into shape. Suddenly I start having flu-like symptoms. I was getting dizzy; and when I had a bout of nausea, I went

to the emergency room.

Fear prompts them to wajk a wa y fear of the responsibility, fear of feeling like they have to be obligated to two people, fear of maybe not being a man. I think in my case because he didn’t grow up with his dad, he didn't know what it meant

to be a man and a father.

He might have been fearful of not being a good father, but how many of us know what it’s like to be a parent? Many of us have one

bed listening to this gospel ra’dio station. The preacher talked about when Rachel became pregnant and was going to have twins. I’m sure it was God speaking through'the preacher, ‘cause I had just happened to have gospel on. Then me preacher made the comment:

Continued on facing page.

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