Greencastle Herald, Greencastle, Putnam County, 8 December 1920 — Page 2

PAGE 2

THE GREENCASTLE HERALD

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8. i«)2»

herald

Muer«c so Second Claw mail matter at the Greencegtle, Ind, poitoffice. ^barlea J. Arnold.. Proprietor • rUBUSHED EVERY AFTERNOON t..irepi Sunday at 17 and ID S. Jackeon Street, Greencaatle, Ind. TELEPHONE 65 Garda of Thaaka. Card* of Thanks are chargeable at « rate of 60c each. Obituarle*. All obituaries are chargeable at the rate of $1 for each obif ary. Addinonnl charge of 5c a litre is made for el poetry.

AN aRTIST.

"There Is Professor Rpeeler, presl. dent of a college for deaf rnutea. Have you ever heard him lecture? He Is a great word painter—a real artist." "You mean he Is a sign painter."

JUDGING BY EF'FKCTS.

Mrs. Praise—5Iy daughter adnrea the piano. Mrs. Knock—From the wav the unhappy Instrument shrlcl.s and groans I'm afraid her love is not reciprocated. AN EXCEPTION,

“To the pure all things nre pure.** "Yes. hut not to the pure food cotnmiuuioners.” OVERBOARD.

Mother Trout—Ohl won’t someone please catch Minnie? iihe’s going up foi the last time!

BILL RHODES’ PROFESSIONS Oupyrlsbt, Th« Frank A. Mui.ery Uuoipao-

By C. T. W.

“Well. If there ain’t another one of 'em!" she exclaimed. And. rushing to tne door, Mrs. Archer met the intruder with: "You needn’t ask me for anything to eat I've refused two of your kind this morning, so you needn’l tell me any of your stories of sickness and weak backs.” '‘Ah, madam. I see you are Laboring under a misapprehension.” Mr. William Rhodes assumed a pained expression as these words flowed smoothly from his lips. He knew very well that she had sent away empty-handed two of his companions. Therefore he had come. "You blokes aljj't onto yer Job.” he remarked to his friends after they had told their story. "Guess I’ll mosey up there to dinner. I'll bring ye back some of de feast.” And his friends were sure he would keep his word. BUI always used the vernacular among hit pals, but he could, and on certain occasions did, speak good English. BUI Rhodes was of a well-to-do family, quick-witted. Intelligent, and ■’elleducated At college he had not taken honors only because he had been born without energy. But with his quick and retentive mind It was impossible for him to stand far trom the head of his class. After graduation, his laziness and love for booze soon made him what we have seen him to be. His family had lost all track of him. for which Bill was lazily thankful Among "the boys” he was an absolute ruler. "Wat Bills says goes!” w’as a motto strictly adhered to, because Bill never said work. ' Mrs. Archer's face showed mingled confusion and doubt as she said: "The.n you are not a tramp? And you have not come for something to

eat?*’

At this BUI straightened up. assuming an Injured air, and replied with his most Insinuating tone: “Madam, I’m not a tramp!” Mrs. Archer caught the tone and noticed that h« did not deny that he had cc-me for food. She var r bout to question him further, when he half turned, saying: ”1 am a professional man and have suffered misfortune. 1 will not deny that I was Intending to ask for something to stay the pangs of hunger. However, I infer that you have been annoyed by rascals who pose as unfortunates, so I will not trouble you. Good morning, madam.” He started to leave, but Mrs. Archer had been deceived, as he had intended that she should be. by his language and by his polished manner. She v- as sorry she had beer no hasty, and was now anxious to soothe the wounded man’s pride. “Come in,” she said. “You say ycu are a professional man’ What Is your calling?” “I have four proNvdons, madam.” Then, with an insinuating glance at the wood pile, “Can't I do something to compensate you for your trouble?" "No, no! Come right in. I’ll have something for you In a minute. Sit down here, please.” Not another word war spoken till the table fairly groaned under the load of dainties prepared for the birthday dinner. Then, as Bill moved to the table, Mrs. Archer asked him fur the story of his misfortunes. “It’s a long story, madam,” said he, “and 1 have had nothing to e a t since yesterday morning” R’ln now sure of his dinner, lie offered nothing more for the present, but gave his undivided attention to e Pd chicken, baked custard, and sal ltd almonds, tailing them in the ordir of east* st reach. “Iff a 1 >ng story, madam,” said he, '‘n T, d n sad one.” Another pause while he fished an olive from the bottle. After nibbling nl It. he put his hand to his lap, then leaned back as If looking for something bo missed Mrs. Archer sprang to her feet, exclalmlt •: “Oh. excuse me!” and brought a napkin. Bill leisurely wip«-d his lips, then continu'd his story between attacks on Mrs. Archer's culIr.ury contributions. "When I had finished my course at Harvard. I entered the office of one of the best law Arm* In lloeton. I worked hard, and after sixteen months hung out my own shingle. I had always contended that an honest *nwyer woe not an Impossibility, and tba. the Idea that a lawyer could not bs* honest was absurd. “I sail think that it is possible for a strong man—morally strong, madam —to be an honest lawyer. But I know from experience that his temptations are legion. I was not strong enough for my undertaking, so, though I hated to give It up, I closed my office and studied for the ministry. That was the end of nSy iirsi profession?! “BraWSoul!” cried Mrs. Archet BUI ate in silence for a few minutes. "As a clergyman I was successful from the very beginning. I was natural ly gifted with a persuasive manner"— glancing from bis hostess to her viands "and my church prospered spiritually as wejl as materially. At the end of the first year it was nee eRsary to erect a larger church edifice. Of course, I do not claim that this was due entirely to my efforts, but I ”80001 truthfully say that 1 do not think I was at least partially responsible for It.” “Oh, fm sure you were! Did ths work ag-ee with yeu?"

“In all save one particular FVon childhood my throat had troubled me Public speaking Irritated the vocal or sans, and in eighteen months mj voice was so nearly gone that I could not speak for mors than ten mlnutet at a time. So with a heavy heart 1 said good-by to my second profession.* “What a pity!" sighed Mrs. Archer , "It must have been hard to leave youi i people.” Here Bill cast his Insinuating glance over the empty dishes. Mrs. Archet i quickly brought him a huge piece ol cake, a dish of strawberries and cream, and a glass of milk. As BUI slowly consumed these, he continued his nar ratlve. "Well, madam, It was hard. But not so hard as If It had been good-by. 1 had determined to return to them, not as their pastor, but to minister to their physical disorders, in two years 1 did return to practise medicine among them My dear people showed their confidence in me by giving me a practise which was the envy of all my confreres. To them I was still their beloved pastor, though I took their money for my prescriptions. "But 1 was overworked, and on two or three occasions took stimulants to enable me to attend to my patient, when I should have been In bed myself. The last time I took too much and my mind became confused. 1 gave a deadly poison for a sleeping potion. After making this disastrous mistake I walked home, and the outdoor air cleared my weary brain. Then I realized what I had done and my conscience accused me terribly. 1 could not face my shame. The first train carried me as far as I could pay ray way.” Here BUI arose and picked up bis hat, which he twirled nervously. "It was a hard fight," he said as if to him-

self.

"Yes, madam. It was a terrible fight, an awful struggle! But at last I gained the victory. I am now on the way back to give myself up But 1 shall never again practise my third profession.” BUI stood with one hand on the doorknob, the other holding his hat. the very image of shame and despair. "You poor man," cried Mrs. Archer. “But you will be convicted. They couldn’t do that And you have another —you said you had four." "Ah," said Bill, brightening, "that brings us down to the present, and to my fourth and last profession—a profession in which few are proficient, but which I have mastered. It was my mainstay in the practise of my other professions, and will be the means of my future support whether 1 be convicted or acquitted. Madam," ho added, bowing low and preparing to make his exit, "I am a professional liar.” Mrs. Archer stood gazing at the man in amazement. “You! she gasped, but the man had closed the door behind him and was gone. Ten minutes later, when Bill’s companions were feasting on the pies which Mrs. Archer had placed Just outside the kitchen door to cool, that lady was standing where BUI had left her, iier gaze resting on the empty t-ble.

GEMS FROM HISTORY. "Why all this needless cruelty?" expostulated the advisers of Nero. "There's the reason," said the genial ruler. ‘Til bet a thousard sesterces to a brass oholus that I’m played up In more historical novels than all the rest of these enlperors put together.” Subsequent events prov-d that the astute Eyetalian was right.

They were getting ready to pour the moulten gold down Mr. Ciassutoa

throt.

"What are you snivelling about, Crass?" said the barbarian chief, not unkindly. "Nothing, nothing,” sobbed the Roman Rockefeller, "but if mother should ever find out that 1 had To take the* gold cure!”

•'Where did you lenrn the art ol war’.’’ i.rked Darius ns Alexander the Great made a bee-lino for the Babylonian mint. At a con - -pondenee school; it affect.- ti.o pay envi lop*'.” replied the your.'/, ot, hurric-dly rifling the royal treasury.

"Ard oh Lernder,' aid Hero, soft ly i* -tUn), bn loier s bathing suit, "bov do you f> 1 when you are swimming at Hellespont?” "Just kinda wet and tuckered out,” replied Beamier, thoughtfully. Tfci ■ almost commouplnce answer t- -.eii'-s us that even a celebrity has his off-days.

"You must learn.” said the Persian Instructor, “to speak the truth.” ’’But. please, sir,” objected one ol the studious lads, "how about military strategy and high finance?” ’’Hava no fear, my son, after you learn to speak the truth, we give you a special post-graduate course In when to speak it."

The sal.jrs of the galley who had I begun to murmur were more taac matched by the wily Ulysses. "Wart to go home, do ye?” he roar ed. "Why, ye miserable swab, donch know you'rs takin’ a personal-conduct ed mid-winter Mediterranean cruisehealth and education combined—all points of interest visited—In charge of all experienced traveler—pleasant congenial party-references given and required—no sxtras! Watcha growlin’ about?” The oarmnen now cheered up per ceptlbly and at the next stop several were observed buying souvenir posts cards. Horatio Winslow;

BIoENCED HER FOREVER.

Mrs. Knag (viewing house)—Oh how beautiful! The mangificent view makes me perfectly speechless! Mr. Knag—I’ll buy the house!

GOOD LOGIC,

"What makes you think he proposed to her the first time he saw her?” •'I’ve seen her twice.’*

DECIEVINQ.

Consider now the Dentist’s case, A funny case la his. The more ho looks down In the mouth The better buisness is.

COULD ANYHOW.

'Does his wife do her own cook-

ing?”

"Give It up; but she does a lot of stewing.”

HUMAN NATURE IN SHARKS.

Observing Shark—There goes a an overboard! Philanthropic Shark—Poor fellow! ,Vli ht'.'c ;o -at him or he'll drown.

The uncommonly smart boy is lucky ) A ma|) 1} , n . t n< ,f. P!Ssnr Uv smart neto have common sense In after years. cnuge ga y K SOIn( . things that do.

Most young lawyers spend more thee peweticing economy than law.

A man who Is satisfied with his Job never reaches the top of the ladder. People who live In the same square don’t always move In the same circle. Instead of trying to heat his record, the average man should try to forget

U-

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The werld is full of tainted money, though few people mind the odor. A man Is seldom presented with a better cigar than he buys himself.

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