Evening Republican, Volume 23, Number 79, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 March 1920 — SCRAPS of HUMOR [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SCRAPS of HUMOR

TonaortaJ Repartee. "Have you seen Prof. Diggs lately?” “Met him yesterday.” “Blundering along as usual, I suppose?” - ■ . “Yes. He had just mistaken a baroer shop for a meat market, which was next door.. ‘Dear me!’ he exclaimed. This is no place for mutton chops.’ 'Not unless you want to get ’em trimmed, sir,’ replied the head barber.” ' An Independent Wife. Flatbush—And your wife writes to pou on postal cards? Bensonhurst —Oh, yes. Flatbush —I should’nt think you’d illow her to do so. Bensonhurst —Oh, she’s very independent. She doesn’t /seem to tare who knows what she says. Quite.A Job. “Senator Twobble says he labored long and hard over that speech he delivered today.” “He means comparatively long and hard. He took the manuscript right >ut of his secretary’s hands and Insisted on writing toe last two paragraphs practically without any assistance whatsoever, except in the natter of punctuation and a singular rerb that should have been plural.” ■ Sorely Stricken. “The chairman of the reception committee seems to be upset about something.” “He has cause to be.” “What’s gone wrong?” “Somebody sat on his silk hat and there’s not another one to be had in town. He simply can’t do himself Justice in welcoming the distinguished visitor without the proper headgear.”

ASSISTING NATURE. "Our young rubber trees are not growing very rapidly.” "Why don’t you go around and stretch ’em a little every morning.” Must Have the Goods. Unless you sometimes Have the stuff, It doesn’t -pay —: To try to bluff. Milder Moods. “There’s no doubt about it,” mused Senator Sorghum, “we’re a great deal more gentle and refined than we tided to be.” “There have been some hard-boiled methods.” “Not In statesmanship. There was a time when a political quarrel might lead to a duel. .Now the worst you can expect is a libel suit-’’ That Explains It. Miss t»eachblow—l must confess I was qnite astonished when I heard of your engagement. What business Is your fiance in? Miss Leftover—He’s a collector of antiques. Miss Peachblow—Oh! I see. A Schemer. “I must tell you, EMgar, that I cannot cook.” “But those excellent meals I have had at your house?” "Were all prepared by our cook." “Do you think we can get her awaj from your folks when we are wed?" Especially Cash to “Give Up." “You must give up coffee and —” "I never drink it, doctor.’.’ “And stop smoking.”. “I don’t smoke.” ’• “Humph 1 That’s bad. If you haven’t anything to give up. I'm.afraid I can’t do much for you” > • ? ■ Its Pitch. “Those loud newly rich folks evidently believe that money talks.” “Talks I In their case it screeches" *, ■ ■ M - - rICCCWOnu !£!&&&£. • Mrs. Housekeep—A dollar an hour Is too much to pay for beating those rugs, rm afraid you’ll loaf on the job. The Odd Job Man—l can do it for 10 cents a wallop, ma’am. It’ll amount to the same thing, ■--".,5 j & A Cheap Triumph. -Don’t you believe me, dearest, when I teU you that you are the only girl I ever loved?” -Oh, yea. But that’s not t-«eH y « .nice as It'Would be to know that W ■tnlAn tOU SOSO6 girl"