Evening Republican, Volume 23, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 February 1920 — TWO OF A KIND [ARTICLE]

TWO OF A KIND

By GEORGE E. STREETER

(Copyright.; He sat In front of the post office every working day throughout the year. No one seemed to know, his real name, but the townspeople called him Armless Jchn, and being otherwise remarkable for a peculiar kind of stammer, he was for some years the object of pity. Around his ne<s he wore a sign bearing the following rather ambiguous appeal:

« • • ’• : KIND FRIENDS : : Please help a POOR man : “5” WILLING but UNABLE : to work with a LARGE FAMILY. :

According to his own statements he had lost his arms in a variety of ways; the juvenile population had been informed that sharks —or bears —had eaten his lost arms; to very old and kimple-minded ladies it was ‘’fire- 1 damp,’” or “on the railway,” or just “cannibals.” He had also “fallen from the mast-head,” “dropped out of a balloon,” and “got caught In an elevator.” Sometimes his loss had occurred while “fighting In Cuba,” or engaged in "blasting rocks in California.” In fact, of “moving accidents,” Armless John was a long way ahead of Othello. His memory being somewhat treacherous, he sometimes had to listen to,this kind of a remark: "Why! you told me last month that you lost your arms in Peru —now you say It was in Australia; you must either be lying, or had a lot of arms to start with.” To all such personal and unkind observations. the stammering beggar would reply somewhat like this : “Wa-wa-wasn’t I In-sen-sl-ble at the ti-ti-ti—at the time? How’d d’ye s-s-spose—” (He had a habit of breaking off like that.) “But I lost ’em, you b-b-bet.” ******* A man of perhaps fifty years of age, shabbily dressed, stopped one morning In front of Armless John. “Nice morning,” said the stranger. “Fi-fi fine, sir,” agreed John. “Yours is a bad case, my friend,” rejoined the other. > “T-t-terrible, sir. “How did you Tose your arms?” “Gun p-p-powder explosion at Mel-mel-bourne.” “Australia?”

The beggar shook his head. “That’s my native place,” added the stranger. “I don’t mean there. Mel-mel-bourne in Kentucky is the p-p-place, all right.” “You’re a liar, Phillips. Do you know Sing Sing?” asked the man. “Never there,” answered John, now looking for the first time in the other man’s face. “Yes, you were, my friend. You and T spent about five years there. What an old fraud you are! How do you manage to dispose of your arms like that?” John was speechless, as well as stammerless, though still apparently armless. “I hope ye won’t squeal on me, Tom?” he remarked. ‘That all depends. Have you got a large family, as the sign says?” inquired Tom. “There’s six of us altogether. Including the dogs.” “Well, you’ll have to pay me so much a week, and I won’t say a word,” replied the other. “There ain’t enough cornin’ in to do that,” said John dolefully. “Something must be done,” remarked Tom. “I haven’t got work, and I can’t get any.” “Suppose you come up to the house tonight, and we’ll talk things over. Go away now, Tom, do; see you tonight.” The stranger moved away slowly, remarking to an old lady about to drop a coin in the little tin mug: “That’s a bad case, mum; the poor fellow lost his arms falling off the roof of a church.”

“Did he, Indeed V sympathetically said the lady. “I always give him a trifle when I pass, but I thought he lost his arms in battle.” The ex-convicts were holding a midnight session. ‘‘l’ve thought out a scheme, Tom, which will pay us both, and we’ll be Independent of each other. Suppose you go and stand at the library, and be a blind man. There isn’t such a fellow in the place. Every day one of the children can bring your dinner down-to you, and also lead you home St night. I’m sure you’ll make more than I do.” “Don’t suit me,” answered Tom. “I ain’t a-going to keep my eyes shut all day. I think Td better be a one-armed sailor, suffering from a shark-bite.” “That’ll never do,” said John. “Tin in the shark business at times, you know. The blind dodge is the only one any good, so far as I can see. I believe there’s a fortune in being a •Poor Blind Man.’ ” “I can’t see it,” answered the doubting Thomas. “You’re not supposed to see anything,” replied John, with a laugh, which the other did not relish. • • • : * • I* a tow days there appeared a to ' ;■ ' •' ■ f

tally sightless man io town, carrying a small, simple sign—- •••••••••• •••••••••• »•»•••••••»>. : PITY THE BLIND : • His first day was very wearisome, but Tom got through it all right, and had a good many coins as a result. He did well, and very soon the receipts of Armless John fell off. “Tom’s simply ruining my business,” said John to his wife one evening. “AH day long old women come to me, and speak of the ‘poor blind man’ who lost his sight through reading a Bible with too close print. I wish somethin’d happen to him.” Strange as it may seem, but within a week, while the little girl was handing something to eat to the bllpd man. Towser, the dog, caught Tom by the leg and caused that victim of biblical study not only to shout and use sundry passages not found in any volume, but also led him to open his eyes, in the presence of a wondering and sarcastic crowd, Including an officer of the law, who at once took charge of the sham Bartlmeus. and introduced him next day to the magistrate.

“Charge of vagrancy, your honor. Been pretendin’ to be blind, your hon*»r. but I’ve been suspecting him for days. Yesterday a dog bit him, and he opened his eyes, and when he saw me he started to run away, your honor?” “Whose dog was it?” asked the judge, detecting the possibility of another case. “Belonged to a little girl, your honor; daughter of that no-armed man,” replied the officer. The judge lectured Tom and imposed a Sentence of three months in jail, and warned him that should the dog die, the owner, “that poor cripple,” would have remedy against him at civil law. “ ‘That poor cripple,’ as you call him,” said Tom, "has got arms.” "This is strange,” said the judge. ‘Constable, inquire Into this, and if you find the prisoner’s story true, bring that other fraud before me tomorrow.” Constable Flynn “Inquired” into the matter, and found that Armless John, Mrs. Armless John, and family had left town the previous evening, shortly after the arrest of Thomas. * * * * • • • Now, gentle reader: This tale offers the following for the consideration of a gullible and patient people: ——— — 1. Fakers are takers —but take ’em easy. _ ~ 2. Beware of the Dog—and the POOR BLIND MAN. * 3. Be sure your FRIENDS will find you out. 4. The "far-seeing” public Ist—oh, 80 blind. 5. Help others out—of town.