Evening Republican, Volume 22, Number 166, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 July 1919 — SCRAPS of HUMOR [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SCRAPS of HUMOR

Clever. Johnson and Timson were discussing Jackson. “He’s an ideal clerk.” “Is he?” “Knows more about the business than the boss.” “Yes?” “And without letting the boss suspect it, too.” —London Answers. Through a Glass Easily. The Optician—You need spectacles, sir. You are farsighted. Just sit down and we’ll — The Prospect—Hold on, here. The man across the street said I was nearsighted, so I came over here. The Optician—Exactly. You are farsighted in passing him up and coming to me. Absolutely Veracious. “Mayme says she’s twenty-five. Do you believe that?” “Of course I do, for to my certain knowledge she was that ten years ago.” The Reason. "Why did Maud want to go into the garden, ma?” “Maybe it was because she thought she would find Sweet William there.” The Difference. “I’m glad I’m not Mrs. Brown’s husband. He’s always in a pickle.” “I wish I were Mrs. Robinson’s husband. He looks so well preserved.” Accounted for. "Why do they always speak of vessels as in the feminine gender?” “Maybe one reason is that they’re generally trimming their sails.”

HE EXPLAINS. “Doctor, why don’t you cure more people with your advice?” “Because a lot of them don’t followdt, my friend.” Finishing Advice. The nurse to the baby, crooning, so. Softly sings, “By-low, by-low.” While the baby’s business pa doth cry, “That's right, buy low, but, son, sell high.” The Reason of It “Your friend has a very peculiar gait.” “It ought to be a very natural one, for he’s always on the fence." Homeopathic Treatment “Why do you keep blowing that awful horn in your apartment and deafen the other tenants?” “Just to keep the baby quiet.” Doubly True. Manager—What is your complaint about our telephone service, sir?” Subscriber —It won’t answer, sir; It won’t answer. Self-Approving. “Our friend contradicts himself!” “Yes. He likes to do all the talking so well that he handles both sides of the argument.” The Modern Question. "We don’t ask who is the head of the family any more.” “No?” “No. That’s old stuff. Now we ask who is the driver of the family car?” % Quite So. "Isn’t Mrs. Quizzy a decided brunette?” “Is she? Well, when she opens her mouth in that house, what she says goes!” Not the Best. She—l wouldn’t marry the best man living. ♦ == He—Well, that gives me a little hope anyway. The Scholarly Cut; “You did not speak to him?”, “No,” replied the scholarly girL “When I passed him I gave blip the geological survey.” “The geological survey I” . “Yes. What Is commonly known aa the stony stare.” —Lehigh Burr. Always With Him. “Come out with us tonight, old chap, and we’li give you a howling time of it” - “Thanks, boys, but the baby attends to that” * _ 5 .., ■