Evening Republican, Volume 22, Number 56, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 March 1919 — TRAILING ALONG WITH CLARENCE [ARTICLE]

TRAILING ALONG WITH CLARENCE

CROWN POINT’S LEADING HOSTLER GIVES IDEAS ANENT LEAGUE OF NATIONS. Gentle reader, we have with us again this evening the irrepressible Mr. C. P. Fate, of Crown Point, Indiana, b’gosh, who will proceed to entertain you for the next few minutes. Mr. Fate— Crown Point, Indiana, Dear Jack; — “My country—may she ever be right—-but right or wrong, my country.” The bird who pulled that was some “Yell Leader,” and they were playing on a shoe string in those days. You know, Jack, nothing but a deuce in the hole and playing it to win., And I guess they took everything m sight, besides snaking the world put on long pants. We haven’t been any styles lately, Jack. I see, they have out the cards for that league of nations stuff. Maybe a good idea, Jack. I can’t see it, but then I have always been an American League Fan. PH say* this though, if it doesn’t go any better than the “He kept us out of war” stuff, declare it off and call for a new deal. Meaning—attend to the important things at home, like changing the Calendar to thirteen months to the year, setting the clocks ahead and back, and raising rates and taxes. Those things surely have been neglected lately.— r This thing of beating the swords into plow shares, turning the other cheek and having nothing rougher in this game of beat the other fellow to it than Tiddle de Winks or Parlor Croquet, is a fine idea. But they are going to find a lot of people over there who don’t care for Tiddle de Winks or any other game that doesn’t have a slot machine in the middle of the table. And then they are going to prove ownership on that Slot. You know what I mean, Jack, they won’t be satisfied with marked cards and dealing from the bottom. They want a rake-off besides. Those Shylocks have been getting the best of it ever since Pharoah cornered corn down in Egypt. And, like Pharoah, they play seven years ahead of the draw. . Did you hear the first gun fired in this league of nations stuff? Sort of a preliminary like. We are to pay one hundred and seventy million dollars boat fare for our boys who went over there to help wind up their ball of yarn. Can you beat it? That is like calling your neighbor into your picture show to help put out a fire, and then charging him fifty cents admission, war tax not included. Or charging Santa Claus for the use of the chimney on .Christmas night. I’ve a hunch that when we read the box score of this world’s series new being played, that it will read— Umpire, Wilson. You know what I mean, Jack. We get an Honorable

Mention, while th6~S&cP6t Treaty li*xperts split the gate receipts and make us put new geographies in out schools. Did you ever notice the first two or three rounds of a sure thing Razzle Dazzle? The viatim or sucker comes to town with a lot of small town ideas, like “the world is honest, and if it isn’t I’m pretty crafty myself.” They meet him at the tram, with bells on. Ride him around m rubber-neck wagons, that he thinks were made for funerals and weddings only. Feed him white meat until he’s ready to bet there s nothing to a chicken but ibreast, on dishes he’s been kidding himself were for plate ranis and china closets. . Tell him that he is the dude who put salt in the sea. That the only reason Solomon beat him to it was because he started earlier. And (then —BangAfter he takes the count its back to the short sassafrass to pay off the mortgage on the old home place. . I may be wrong, Jack, but it looks as though that act is being pulled over Ithere, and going good. Only the folks at home are going to have to dig up their Christmas savings to pay the mortgage, in the shape of another Liberty Loan. You know what I mean, Jack. Our Woodrow is getting the glad hand, all right, but every itrime he shakes hands, he loses the shake. , , Looks to me as though as fat as we are concerned, "(and we are concerned about fifty billion dollars worth and a lot of the best boys m the world, who will never come back) that this is going to be another case of a successful operation—r-but the patient died. . , ~ Hoping (that (the copyrights don t run out on “America for Americans and that Mr. Wilson doesn’t lose the Monroe doctrine along with eve.rything else, I am, Yours in Hopes,

C. P. FATE.