Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 289, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 December 1918 — SCRAPS of HUMOR [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SCRAPS of HUMOR

' Something in. Hie Favor. ,' < "You have not always been as kind to me as you might have been,” said Mrs. Dubwaite, in tearful tones. *♦ know I haven’t, my dear,” replied Mr. Dubwaite, “and I’m sorry. But you will have to give me credit for one thing.” ' “What is that?” "I have never forgotten the respect ,a gentleman owes the lady who bears his name and'presides over his home so far- as to speak of you as my ‘old woman.’ ”

VERY ATTRACTIVE. Mies Needle—Oh, Mr. Magnet, you u*e so attractive. Usually What He’s Up To. “Whenever I see the proprietor of a restaurant advancing toward me with a fountain his hand I fear the worst” "Fv ir the worst?” “Yes. The chances are .that he’s going to mark up a few more prices on the menu card before I can order my dinner.” Gracious. 6 “So she turned you down?” “Yes, but she was very gracious about it” • “What did she say?” “She said she couldn’t think of marrying me but she hoped I would keep on proposing so that some day she might be able to point me out to her husband as the man she might have married.”

Can Give Him Pointers. “I hear Madge is engaged to a manr who manufactures artificial optics.” “I» that so? Well, I reckon she can give him a few. points when it conies to making those goo-goo eyes.” * -Oh, Mani “I shall never ask Hobbs for his advice again.” -'•What’s the matter?" “He never thinks what .1 have made up my mind to do is right.” Doesn’t Look Like IL . Y<ft Say Bankus is a genius?” - “That’s his rating. Why?” “He doesn’t look it. His clothes fit him and he lives regularly, and he isn't everlastingly trying to be funny." ——: An Arch Thief. Betty—Do you think Jack will steal kiss? eMarie—Well, my dear, they say a criminal always returns to the scene of his crime.

Commercially Speaking. “I understand yop have several speeches ready for delivery.” “Yes,” answered Senator Sorghum. “They are ready for delivery; but they remain uncalled for.” Home Keeping. - “Does your husband stay home evenings?” , / ' ■ “Sometimes,” replied Mrs. Chuggins; “when the motor breaks or the gasoline gives out” > Hard Work. “How did you amass your great fortune?" “By hard work,” replied Mr. Dustin Stax. “But I never saw you laboring.” “No. But it was very frequently hard work to keep from getting exdtcd and doing the wrong thing.” * Not Frco- 5 “Is this a free translation?” asked the customer in a bookstore. “No. sir,” replied the clerk, “it will cost you a dollar fifty.”