Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 168, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 July 1918 — ADVICE TO LOVELORN [ARTICLE]

ADVICE TO LOVELORN

By VINCENT G. PERRY.

(Copyright, IMS. by the McClure News®*per Syndicate.) “Dear Joan: —The young man I am engaged to Insists upon using rose perfume on his hair, and I just detest the odor of rose perfume on anybody’s hair. I am ■ ; afraid it is going to cause us to break off our engagement. I love him dearly, too. What would you advise? Broken Hearted.” Bob Clarke read the letter over and shoved a piece of copy paper into his typewriter. In less than half a minute be had written a paragraph of advice to “Broken Hearted” and pinned it to her letter, ready for the printers. There was a heap of letters before him and he dealt with the ones on top. They were all along the same line. When Bob had answered more than he thought the editor would let go through, hr sat back in his chair and looked at the pile of unanswered ones that would have to go into the wastepaper basket. It seemed as if every person in love In the city wrote to “Joan” for-advice. If they had known that Joan was a man—-and a very young one, too—perhaps there would not have been so many letters. Lovers’ quarrels had always seemed a joke to Bob, until he bad had one of his own. It was no joke. He paced up and down to think it over and then sat down again. He had the room to himself, so he was able to think it out undisturbed. He wished there was some one to tell him how to go about it to fix things up. Then the idea came to him. Why not follow some of his own advice? be thought. He had his column on file for a year back and be went through the paper to locate a case like his own. He did find one that was very much like his. The girl in the case had been Just as stubborn as Cleo and had banged down a receiver Just as Cleo had done. Receivers seemed to .be a popular weapon in lovers’ quarrels. He read his answer and noted each instruction. “Be bold; don’t let her see that you are down-hearted; go to her home and demand admittance; show her that you mean business, and she will be sure to forgive you,” he had said. That answer didn’t seem to fit his case at all. But if “Pining Away” had been successful, he didn’t see why be couldn’t be, by carrying out the same. plan. It wouldn’t hurt to try. at >any rate. Cleo couldn’t do anything worse than dose the door in his face. Cleo didn’t slam the door In Bob’s face, but after she had snubbed his every effort to talk to her, for fifteen minutes, he wished she had. “Why won’t you be reasonable. Cleo?" he pleaded at last. “Reasonable!” she exclaimed. “Have I not been reasonable? It is you who are not reasonable. If you really had loved me you would be.” “But I have apologized, dear, and taken all the blame,” he said. "Won’t you be your old self again? Why did you allow me to come here if you weren’t going to speak to me?” “I don’t want you to take the blame and I didn’t want you to come here. If you really thought you were to blame you wouldn’t acknowledge it — men never do. There Was an entirely new argument for Bob. He had always been of the impression that women were odd, but now he was convinced of iL “Any one will tell you I am to blame,” he said. Then he was struck with a sudden thought. “Why don’t you write to the ‘Advice to the Lovelorn’ column in the paper? The answer will convince us who is to blame. ‘Joan’ knows all about such things.” “But Joan must be a friend of yours; do you know- who she is?” Cleo asked suddenly. “Joan Is my worst enemy,” he answered. “My- knowing who Joan is won’t make any difference in the reply. I will guarantee that” “You will have to help me compose the letter,” Cleo said, as she secured the stationery. Bob did most of the dictating and Cleo did most of the writing, changing his views of it here and there “Read It over,”' Bob said, when It Was completed. Cleo read it aloud. “Doesn’t it sound foolish?” she asked, as be finished. “It is as sOly as the ones that appear in the paper. Bob, we’ll make idiots of ourselves if we send this in. We really didn’t have anything to quarrel over.” “I don’t think we had, either,” he agreed. “Let’s settle it without sending this letter in. Tear it up.” Cleo needed no second bidding. The letter was reduced to fragments. “I am so glad we didn’t decide to send it,” she sighed, wearily. “Newspaper people must have lots of fun out of letters like this one.” “We do,” he answered seriously, “but do you know, Fm never going to laugh at another of thoee letters. FU answer any one of them ami TO spend more thought on them." “You’ll answer them! What have you got to do with them?” she' demanded. Bob had to confess. “To think that you deceived ms so," Cleo began. but thesnileoß Bob’s face silenced her. “We’ll be quarreling again in a minute," she laughed, “and we’ve decided quarrels are foolish, haven’t we?*’ “You bet we have,” he answered, -Let’s kiss and make up for good.”