Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 302, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 December 1917 — OF USEFULNESS AT LAST [ARTICLE]

OF USEFULNESS AT LAST

Alarm Clock, In ItlFlnal Moments, Proved That It Had Some Reason for Existence. (By the loony author of “How to Make a Dollar Go Farthest or Twenty Remote Places to Send a Money Order," “Solving the High Cost of Living, or the Widow Smultz Marries the Grocer," -“The Deluge, or Swigger’s New Forty-Dollar Sult and Dollar and a Quarter Fountain Pen," “Mopsle MacSwusters,” “The Lustrous Lamps of Laura Lafferty,” “Winnie Wiggin’s Wondrous Ways,” etc., etc., etc.) "Meow-w-w-w-1! I” “Past 1 Squak I Bzaampff! Yeeow-w-w-w???" Tungsten Berner rolled from his right side to his left, from his left to his northeast “Skeeekl Yooozff' Skaaa-piffff!” “Meeeskaag I Pthhhh I 000000 I" “11! ?? X-Xir exclaimed Tungsten Berner as he sprang out of bed. Looking out the window he saw 20 assorted cats on the back fence, simultaneously telling each other the tragic story of their lives. Desperately seizing his Big Slam alarm clock. Tungsten hurled it with all his might and almost all his main, muttering, “Maybe you’ll be of some use at last; you haven’t woke me up on time for two months.” , The clock hit the top of tne fence, split open, and its works, like shrapnel, flew in all directions. The next morning Tungsten fovnd 13 corpses of 13 cats on his grass-plot, sold them to a manufacturer of imported furs, and bought a regular alarm clocks— Detroit Free Press.