Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 259, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 November 1917 — Little Problems of Married Life [ARTICLE]

Little Problems of Married Life

By WILLIAM GEORGE JORDAN

\ (Copyright) THE SPECTRE OF CONSTANT JEALOUSY. When a man is afraid to remark at the breakfast table, even mildly and casually, that, from what he has heard, Cleopatra must have been a beautiful woman, it is fair to assume that the spectre of constant jealousy dwells in that household. When a wife fears to look at the moon because she may be accused of admiring the man in it, the husband needs to be gently reminded that he is taking a very rapid Short-Cut to killing the love he seems to hold so sacred. Love is fed by confidence, trust, faith and serene restful reliance. Morbid jealousy is a poison of doubt, suspicion and injustice that dulls the love it does not deaden. Scientists tell us that every known poison is, in small doses, a stimulant; in larger doses it is a narcotic; in still larger it kills. In a mild form jealousy is inseparable from real love. It Is the heart’s guardianship of its treasure. It is the hunger for the sacredness of sole possession; the righteous demand to be first, absolute and "supreme. It is the instinctive protest at even the thought of another sharing in those little tendernesses, graceful attentions, and words, looks and expressions of love that should be concentrated on one, not syndicated among many. This instinctive jealousy, though roused in an instant, falls gently to, sleep again with a smile of peace at the recognition of, a false alarm. Jealousy, in any instance, must belong to One of two classes. It is either Justified by the facts or it isnot; it is a right charge or an unjust one. If justified, the one who causes it may do so, in one or two instances, through thoughtlessness or because of a less finely balanced appreciation of the demands and duties of love, for some natures are more wounded by a look than others by a blow. Here a few words

of gentle protest may bring a new course of action that is absolutely jealousy-proof. If the offending acts become a continuous performance, then the offender is unworthy of either the love or the Jealousy. But if the constant jealousy be undeserved, the one thus continuously storming in jealous tempest is not worthy of the love and loyalty thus traduced and put to scorn. Nothing weakens loyalty and constancy so quickly as morbid Jealousy; nothing inspires, feeds, strengthens and almost guarantees Tdyalty and constancy like loving confidence, real comradeship and restful trust. Jealousy, even when-justified-, should not be permitted to run away with discretion. The emotional pain it may be natural to feel it may not be wise to express. There is a tendency to an emotional explosion that may wreck happiness. It is a moment wjien—oaC should heed the advice of the sign at a railroad crossing: "Stop, look and listen.” The first suspicion in married life may be more hazardous than the first real quarrel. It may develop an exaggerated estimate of the importance of what may have been merely a foolishly indiscreet word or action. The offender, conscious of innocence of real wrong even in thought may become angered and Indignant at condemnation many sizes too large for the offense; apology for the minor thoughtlessness may be withheld or if spoken, ignored in the presence of the injustice of a weightlei charge. The burden of Injustice beer -ues shifted to the one originally innocent. If the inadvertence of a moment, now looming large, be but an error of action, not of mind or of heart, it should instantly be forgiven and forgotten because explained and understood. If there be real reason for jealousy to a trifle, wise action may confine it to the trifle. Jealousy through its own Indiscreet expression may plant what it fears. Let the wounded one seek to find the cause that led to the action Inspiring the jealousy. The wife, through pique at being neglected, may receive innocently and unwisely the kind attention of another-- —The husband, brought to realization of the drifting possibilities of his negligence, may by special -marks of affection, returning to the old courtship methods, restore the old certainty of faith and alines?.. If wise, he will let the consciousness of his initial wrong keep him from revealing too plainly Angry protests and condemnation never cure; they merely put a premium on secrecy and deception. It does not remove the disease, it merely drives it into the system. In every instance of jealousy the Innocent one should meet it at the beginning, at its earliest manifestation. Tl»is mean#, oecognition and a wise determination to ’’Tigmove the cause, but does not justify JMame-or indignant st reams of vmtderitogrtnn flowing hot and lava-like from an emotional Vesuvius. There isa* false pride that says, “If he is growing interested in another let him go. I will not compete for his affection,” or, “If she feels that way, let her havener way." Love, happiness and trtfsf are treasures too sacred for us to permit them to slip out of our lives and leave us lone and dreary, OB- the mere technicality of the petty pride of a moment This philosophy of ret.; Jon may be proper whert it

becomes inevitable, but never before. We would not let health, money, position, reputation or property thus drift awfiy without using every effort to retain it; why does false pride sometimes make us so reckless with what means most to us? Morbid Jealousy is a real, sad problem of the married life of many homos. It may break out at any moment and many a guest, as he passes his cup for more tea, is struck with surprise at the strange expression on the face of the hostess, sees the lightning flash in her eyes and watches it strike the innocent husband at the end of the table, and the guest almost hears the thunder as* he hopes he will be home before the cloudburst comes. And the sudden sultry atmosphere, and that strange hush, with the air of the room surcharged with electricity, may all have coma in a moment with not the slightest real justification. It is the self-torture of love. . . To morbid jealousy civility, just of the ordinary type, becomes flirtation; Indifference, disguised feelings; good spirits, conscience masking a wrong; silence, thinking of some one else —all is translated by the cipher code of jealousy. Jealousy always plays with loaded dice —the cast is always foreordained. Jealousy does not require a cause, it is satisfied with an opportunity. It may be inspired by what one does or does not do, what one thought or did not think, what one said or did not say; it may be what one might have, could have or should have done or said or left undone. Jealousy conjugates in all moods and tenses. To this morbid jealousy explanations mean nothing but aggravation or a change of a base of attack. The most tactfully delivered explanation is often dexterously caught, and with a whisk of the vocabulary is quickly transformed into a foaming whipped-cream conviction on some other phase, while 4he innocent-sufferer, in a dazed way, wonders how it was done. Vesuvius, in its eruptions, is slow, snail-like inactivity compared with the explosions of this jealousy. Unlike qigar smoking, jealousy is not a one-sex specialty. This morbid jealousy is always unreasoning and unreasonable. Its misinterpretation of a word, a motion or a glance may throw into eclipse the loyal unselfish devotion of a life, and the one who suffers Innocently in this tempest must bow the head in helplessness, realizing that words of protest would "count no more than attempting to lead a tornado to change its Itinerary. Jealousy stifles faith, which is the soul of love. It is emotional suicide. It is a peculiar form of fear which seeks constantly to discover what it

does not want to find. Jealousy is the chloroform of confidence. It requires faith to keep faith, trust to retain trust, love to cherish love. Jealousy blights spontaneity and the free expression of one’s thought; one soon consigns one subject after another to the quarantine of the unspoken. One involuntarily sterilizes one’s conversation, omitting simple little incidents and references nothing in themselves but which experience has shown carry storm-signals, so that one involuntarily picks one’s way carefully in talking, like a person getting up at nj-gtosto a- dark, chatr-sprinkTe<r room. 3Jdw Cupid must moan when he finds “married people grown tactful and politic with each other. The delightful free interchange of thought cun exist only as love and trust make Bluel>eard chambers of interdicted subjects unnecessary and impossible in conversation. We should guard carefully against closing up any room of confidence in the mind and heart of one we love;

There is pathos in this morbid jealousy, for innocence of the object of the feeling can prevent it. It is like one of those concave or convex mirrors that distort whatever passes before them. This unreasonable jealousy is hard on two people—the subject and the object. Its presence in the home means a problemfortwo. For oue it niean.'L the overcoraing of a morbld suspicion and the other somehow to keep the sacred flame of love burning despite the suspicion. There is always a benumbing, paralyzing sensq>of helplessness and of hopelessness in resting under"!! cruel, unjust charge more lawful when it is made by one who should be most ready of all the world to be convinced of the innocence of the accused. Jealousy is a disease that can be cured only by the subject, not by anyone else in all the world. No matter how gentle, kind, forbearing, gi vinganJforgettingtheObJect" of 1t inay.be, thisln itself will not cure the attacks. Thesubject whose heart is thus swayed by fierce gales of jealousy must first awaken to the folly of it, the injustice of it, must be conscious of the trail of bitterness and unhappiness it brings to both, must realize the (Juel continued assault on the tolerance, love, loyalty and patience of the other, and when the next attack comes, seek by strength of will, by force of character, by consecrated selfcontrol and by every help of highest wisdom to kill the feeling.

Jealousy must be fought as one would battle against a pestilence that threatens the safety of a town or a county. It is not sufficient conquest merely to hold- back tho express!onSof the jealousy; the continuous repression simply defers the explosion and makes the next outbreak more disastrous. Jealousy must be killed in the thought. In the mind, the battleground of the soul, must the fight of extermination be waged. In the thought must the Jealousy be neutralized by faith, conquered by justice, and transformed by trustful love into a restful abiding coati dence that only absolute proof and certainty of just cause can ever reawaken.