Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 175, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 August 1917 — George Ade Talks To Ft. Ben. Boys. [ARTICLE]

George Ade Talks To Ft. Ben. Boys.

“Young Men of the Training Camp: “About twenty years ago this country was supposed to be at war with Spain. Compared with the present gigantic struggle, the slight misunderstanding of 1898 was merely a tentwenty and thirty war. It was about as much like the new style of heavy fighting as crouet is like athletics. It was, to all intents and purposes, •a moonlight picnic. We wore fighting a lot of guitar players who didn’t want to fight. When a man is going into battle, nothing encourages him more than the knowledge that the other fellow is looking for a chance

to climb a tree. “The Spanish were easy for us because they were so unlike the Irish. Not long ago an Irishman was brought back to a London hospital, badly wounded. He asked the nurse it he would get well and she told him that he would be up and around in about six weeks. He seemed relieved. He said that as soon as he was strong enough he wanted to go back to the front.. She was surprised. She asked, “Why, after you have been so terribly wounded, do you insist upon going back to the front?” “Well,” replied the Turk, “I think I know who did it.” “As I was saying, about twenty years ago we were engaged in playing tag, hide and seek and drop the handkerchief with any Spaniards that we could catch up with. It wasn’t much of a war but it was the first we had enjoyed for over thirty years and we didn’t know when we would have another so we made the most of it. Shortly after the festivities began, a couple of boys living, in a town called Centreville enlisted.

They didn’t have much to do at the time so they decided to free Cuba. The government gave each one of them a new suit and a hat. These two boys were named Wes and Schuyler. They . tied red handkerchiefs around their necks so as to look more desperate. All the way from Centreville to Florida they kept their heads out of the car window and yelled at anyone standing near the track. “They went into camp for a while and found fault with the beef that came in tins. It was beef that should have been used during the civil war. “Finally they got on a boat and were landed in Cuba. They wanted to shoot at something, but they couldn’t find anything to shoot at so they sat around in the shade, singing coon songs and roasting the War Department. - “At last they were ordered home. As the train approached Centerville they were considerably agitated because they, had sent a lot of colored post cards to a couple of girls employed in the Bee Hive department store and they thought maybe these girls would be down at the station to meet them. “When No. 7 stopped at the depot Wes and Schuyler jumped off and the first thing they saw was about 8,000 people waving their hats and cheering. “Then the Centerville Silver Cornet Band began to play, “See the Conquering Hero Comes?” Eight little girls in white began to strew flowers in the pathway of the military celebrities. . Next they had to stand still while Cap Giggs made a speech to thme. He never had been in the army but he owned the first steam thrashing machine ever seen in the county so that made him a captain. He had a red, white and blue sash looped around himself and he barked in a loud voice. “He told the boys that they had written their names on the scroll of ’ame alongside of Napoleon Bonaparte and George Washington and J. S. Grant. Escorted by the Daughters of the Revolution, the boys then marched to K. P. hall, where they were put at the head of a long table and served with fried chicken, veal loaf, deviled eggs, preserved watermelon, potato phlhii, cottage cheese, dill pickles,' grape jelly, soda biscuit, stuffed peppers, lemonade, hickorynut cake, cookies, lemon pie, ham, macaroons, New York ice cream, peppermint wafers and coffee. While they were feeding the Sons of Veterans’ quartette stood on the rostnfai in close harmony formation and song “Tenting Tonight, Tenting Tonight, Tenting on the Old Camp Ground.” “At the very first opportunity Wes motioned to Schuyler and led him to a little room off at one side—a place where they kept the coal scuttles and brooms and such. He closed the door and said, ‘Say, Schuy, what the hell is all this about? Do they know that we’re just a couple of Privates. k “ ‘You are wrong,’ said Schuyler. ‘As near as I can find out, we are a couple of heroes.’ . , , “ ‘No matter what I think, replied Schuyler, ‘l’m going to let them have their own way. I may want to run for sheriff some dhy.’ “Young gentlemen, I want you to draw this lesson from what happened nearly twenty years ago. If anyone calls you a hero, don’t deny it • ■ ' ' ■'■ “If a distinguished visitor puts the laurel wreath on your sunburned brow, be polite and, in the vernacular, ‘leave it lay *. “If I fail to pass you the usual compliments, it is not because you are undeserving, but bceause the English language contains only 140,000 words and most of them already have been used in trying to convince soldiers that they are patriots. “They don’t need to be convinced. They admit I will not tell you that

you are heroes. You have been given assurances to that effect by some of your distinguished guests and, ;.. r course, you don’t dare to conjad a guest? “I shall refrain from eulogizing Gen. Glenn. He is a good man 1 < highly susceptible to flattery and we might spoil him. “I will play safe. I will give ad vice to the young. After a man get' past 50 the best thing he does is to issue instructions. If he got hi money by committing burgh- r / and has got the feout in both feet and plays poker three nights ft we *k, h~ writes an article for the paper and tells .young men to be honest ar.. 1 frugal, to guard their health, practice moderation in eating and drin.<ing and never speculate. “The most helpful advice r for young people is condensed into morals, maxims and proverbs. ‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.’ Great stuff! If you had a bird iff the hand you wouldn’t know what to do with it. Besides, with two in the bush you’re liable, with any kind of luck, to have a lot more birds after while. “ ‘The rolling stone gathers no moss.’ Therefore, lie still and be come a mossback. “I have prepared some oi these nuggets of wisdom. They may help you to be better men. Here are a few of them: “Early to bed and early to n . and you will meet very prominent people. .. “Some people are good because i. is expensive to be otherwise. . “A man can afford anything he can get and a woman can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her. . “You can never tell how much Bengal tiger there isjn a white rabbit until you put him on a meat diet. “Every man is the architect of his own fortunes, but the neighbors superintend the construction. “Work is a snap. It is recreation that sends so many of our best people to the sanitariums. “A friend who is very near and dear may in time become as great a nuisance as a relative. “If prunes cost 15 cents each they would be more popular than hothouse grapes. . “A hare-lip is a club-foot is a deformity, but side whiskers are a man’s own fault. “I could go on for hours, but these few morals and maxims will be sufficient, I believe, to suggest to you how you may best serve your country in the present crisis. “Just now you are working hard to realize some very laudable ambitions. To encourage you, I will tell about a young man who fitted himself to perform important tasks and who found all of the work for which he was looking. . , -- “Two brothers started away to the varsity at the same time. Just before they boarded the train their paw led them aside and handed them a line of splendid advice. He told them that they were now ready to mold their futures. He said he wanted them to stay in of evenings and bone hard, and he hoped they would not play the ukelele or smoke cigarettes or have Elsie’s Janis’s picture on the dresser. - - “Wiliam'listened and said he would behave. Ellsworth moved about in his chair and said it was nearly train tin ?<They rode away on the varnished cars, William reading a book by Ruskin on Italian architecture, and Ellsworth playing seven-up with a shoe drummer from St. Louis. “At the university William recalled the words spoken by paw, so he stayed in his room to dig and became such a pet of the professors that he was very unpopular. Ellsworth wore a sweater and made the track team and traveled from one place to another with the glee club. He went to his room just as soon as all the other places were closed up. . ~ , . “The reports sent home indicated: that William was a phenom in scholarship and Ellsworth had made good as a yell captain. “Paw wrote Ellsworth once m a while to remind him that life _is crowded with solemn responsibilities and Ellsworth would write back that he needed ?50 to pay for chemicals used in the laboratory. By the time both were seniors, William was personally known to the president and had weak eyes. “Ellsworth was manager of the football team and his vocal chords were in wonderful condition. “On commencement day William received the Cyrus J. Blinker gold medal for beingan all-round shark. “Ellsworth just escaped getting the gate. The faculty *voted him his degree for fear that if they didn t, he would come beak and stay another year. “After they graduated and came home to eat, Paw lined them up and gave them another good talking to. “He said he was proud of -his palefaced William, but Ellsworth looked to him very much like a bloomer. ‘-‘He said he was going to put the two of them into a law office and he wanted them to read law until they were black in the face and not be lured from their work by the glittering temptations of the big town. “William began to eat up the reports of the supreme court, while Ellsworth was in the outer room joshing the clients and getting himself all dated up for luncheons and foursomes. “Three months after they tackled law, William had Blackstone hanging bn the ropes while Ellsworth was attending a house pdrty at the home, of a gentleman who owned a construction company 1 ; although, if you hadn t known it was his home, you would have said, looking at the thing from a distance, that some one had moved the Claypool Hotel out into the country. “Out at this million-dollaf cottage Ellsworth met a girl who didn’t know how much she was worth, so Ellsworth thought it would be an act of kindness tohelp her to find out. “He sat out with her in the, cool of the evening and began to pull the

old reliable stuff that never had failed him. She stopped him before he was half through and told him not* to work overtime, because he was the holder of the lucky ticket that drew the barrel,of flour. She said that she fell for him the minute she noticed how well his coat set in the “In one of the large office buildings there is a suite finished in dark wood. At a massive roll-top desk sits Ellsworth. When a client brings in a knotty legal problem Ellsworth has the blonde stenographer jot down all the facts of the case. “After the client departs, Ellsworth pushesabutton and brother William comes out of a side room with: his bagged at the knees. He needs a shave, but he is full of the law. Ellsworth asks the blode stenographer to read her notes to William. , , . . “Then William crawls back into his hole and gets busy, while Ellsworth takes the elevator to the first floor, where he steps into a twin 18 car, which he purchased for his,wife last year with her money. “What are the lessons taught by this simple narrative? . ’ . “If William had not been a grind at college, if he had not burped the midnight oil and filled the old bean with useful knowledge, if he had not been diligent and persevering and conscientiously determined to master every problem presenting itself, he would not now be the silent partner of the best-dressed attorney m the middle west. “I thank you.”