Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 165, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 July 1917 — Kin Hubbard Essays [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Kin Hubbard Essays

THE NOSE AN’ IT’S RELATION T CHARACTER ‘

As th’ weddin’ day draws nigh th’ prospective ’ bride should take a few moments each day from her sewin’ an’ devote ’em t’ sober reflection. Th’ step she Is plannln’t’ take is th’ real, big headliner act o’ her life. Let her consider it well. Let her study th’ teachin’s o’ th’ world’s greatest physiognomists, whose theories are Interwoven with th’ flndin’s o’ ever’ known science, before she leaves th’ ole home, or resigns her downtown job. Let her take up nose readin’ durin’ th’ tew golden weeks that remain. I wonder how many girls o’ t’day who are filled with rose-tinted visions o’ a happy married life know that th’ septum o’ th’ nose is th’ partition between th’ nostrils? I wonder how many girls O’ t’day who are countin’ th* minutes till th’ month o’ roses know that the’r whole future happiness depends on th* thickness o’ her fiance’s septum an’ its Inclination t’

droop or not to droop? If his septum is thin an’ not disposed t’ droop let her take warnin’ ere it is too late, fer it is a never failin’ sign of a retired liver. Th’ nose is nature’s most humble organ next t’ th’ big toe. Th’ whole human character Is boldly written thereon, so that even she who runs may read. Then’s no reason fer anybuddy but a blind girl gittin’ stung. Whether th’ nose is pale, red or veined, it is now regarded as th’ only reliable Index o’ character. Idealty, veneration, constructiveness, cautiousness, mental imitation, sublimity an’ especially acquisitiveness (a disposition t’ acquire property, money,

etc.), are all factors in th’ success o’ life which may be easily read in th’ nose, an’ which should be carefully considered by ever’ girl before she signs away her happiness. Th’ eyes, long regarded as th’ windows o’ th’ soul an’ th’ true index o’ character, are worthless without a giltedged nose. A fullness o’ th’ upper an’ soft part o’ th’ cheek o’er th’ malar bone Is another overworked sign that counts fer nothin’ when appearin’ in conjunction with a thin septum. A square nose indicates a well developed conscience, which is all well an’ good if th’ accompanyln’ septum is of standard gauge. Th’ septum Is th’ thing whether th’ nose Is concave or convex. Fullness an’ breadth o’ th’ nose above th’ nostrils Indicate a capacity fer gettin’ th’, goods—a quality rarely considered durin’ th’ first week o’ married life, but later regarded as bein’ of inestimable value in th’ pursuit o’ happiness. Such a quality, too,

avails but little, however, If th’ septum Is lackin’ In th’ peculiarities o* th’ genuine. Even an ample septum will not save a pug nose, which indicates an early divorce on th’ ground o’ inhuman treatment. O’ course, it’s purty hard t’ associate any sentiment with th’ nose, no matter how close we occasionally git t’ it, but jest th’ same if th’ prospective bride, while holdin’ hands, ’ll jest make a careful analysis o’ her fiance’s nose while ther is yet time it may be th’ means o’ savin’ her th’ embarrassment o’ th’ pale, hungry expression that Is t’ be found all too often on th’ faces o’ those who have sought happiness at th’ altar o’ love.

ANCIENT AND MODERN PHOTOGRAPHY

What ever become o’ th’ ole time tall, cuffless photographer that wore a flowin’ tie an’ smelled like collodion an’ called his abattoir a “art studio”? I wonder where he went when he died, fer ther must have been some special arrangements made' ahead fer him? Who kin fergit how he used t’ pose us in front o’ a screen showing a castle with a rustic bridge leadin’ up t’ it an’ a couple o’ swans? “Now, then -set perfectly still an’ look about here. Raise your chin a little more. Higher, higher. That’s fine. Now, turn th’ head a little slantin’ like. That’s it, that’s it. Now, that’s fine. Ah, that’ll do.” Then he’d turn out a photograph lookin’ like you had a stiff neck augmented by a little dash o’ spinal trouble —like you had just murdered a whole family

with an ax an’ wuz facin’ th’ judge without a pang -o’ remorse. Th’ early photographer had a sort o’ a prltch that had been handed down from th’ celebrated Spanish Inquisition days which he used as a prop fer your head. When applied t’ th’ back o’ th’ neck it produced an expression like you wuz puttin’ on a collar. “Oh, I see, you wlsii t’ be taken fgethet. That’ll be fine. Now, then jlst you please take this seat That’s it Put th’ fe<pt closely t’gether. Now th’ hands on th’ knees. That’s fine. Now throw th’ chin up. Up a little more.. That’s fine. Now, you stand by th’ rest. Perfectly erect with feet t’ gether carelessly Let th’ left hand hang limp. That’s fine. Now place th’ right hand on his shoulder showin’ th’ ring singe I see. Th’ ring is on th’ left hand. We’ll have t’ change

sides. That’s fine. Now throw th’ chin well back —a little tiny bit more. That’s fine. Now, all feet close t’gether an’ steady. That’ll do.” Then Friday you got th’ proofs an’ you an’ your wife looked like Lewis an’ Clark takin’ the’r first view o’ Mt. Tacoma after a ten days’ march on empty stomachs. Th’ ole time photographer alius posed you In such a way as t’ feature your Adam’s apple. He didn’t care about th’ arrangement o’ drapery, er whether your coat wuz buttoned straight, but he wuz ther t’ see that your Adam’s apple got ever’thing that wuz comln’ t’ it. If* you had a hairlip er a wend in th’ neck he alius made ’em th’ principal points o’ Interest in your photo. If you had a bulgin’ fore- ' head he’d powder th’ high lights an’

pull in your chin. If you had a retreatin’ chin he’d pry it out an’ make an interior o’ your nostrils. If.you looked like a turnip he’d Insist on a front view, an’ if you looked like a hatchet he’d prescribe a side view. If you wanted t* stand up an’ feet an’ watch chain he’d bring forth a little column-shaped pedestal t* stand by an* yog looked like you wuz waitin’ fer somebuddy t* shoot a apple off your head. T’day if you want t’ look like Theda Bara or Douglas Fairbanks an “artist” ’ll fix it fer you. If you look like a sewin’ machine agent an* feel like you would'llke t’ look like a great author t’day’s photographer ’ll show you hoy t’ git th’ desired expression by restin' th’ left cheek In your hand an* lookin' anxiously Int*. th* future. (Copyright, Adams Newspaper PsrYc%> (

Th’ Nose Is Nature’s Most Humble Organ Next t’ th’ Big Toe. Th’ Whole Human Character Is Boldly Written Thereon So That Even She Who Runs May Read. Thor's No Reasons fer Anybuddy but a Blind Girl Gittin’ Stung.

He Didn’t Care About th’ Arrangement o’ Drapery, er Whether Your Coat Wuz Buttoned Straight, but He Wuz Ther t' See That Your Adam'a Apple Got Ever'thing That Wuz Cornin’ t’ It