Evening Republican, Volume 59, Number 115, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 June 1917 — Kin Hubbard Essays [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Kin Hubbard Essays

THE WOMAN’S PAGE

How may I boll a egg three minUtes? Myrtle. Answer. First secure an illaminan vessel (tin er granite ware ’ll answer) fill 4h’ same two-thirds full with fresh dear water an T eeton stove an’ a How it t* come t’ a boil. In th’ Interim select a egg an’ hold it In th’ thumb an’ index finger. This may be done by pickin’ It up naturally. As th’ water approaches th’ boilin’ point drop th’ egg gently in, bein’ careful not t’ make a splash. Then count sixty slowly three times an’ lift th’ egg from th’ water with *a table spoon.

Where a stop watch is available th’ time spent in countin’ may be profitably employed with other duties o’ th’ kitchen. • Th’ above is jist a sample from one department on th’ Woman’s Page o’ th’ average newspaper. Th* other columns are devoted t’ flirtin’, failin’ hair, flat chests, marriage an’ recipes fer cold baked p’taters, freckles an’ catsup. If a young housekeeper Is goln’ t’ entertain some folks from Pennsylvania that used t* know her husband when th’ world seemed bright she consults th’ Woman’s Page an’ finds out how t’ make a chuck steak allurin’, an’ how t’ make th’ dinin’ room gay with highly colored inexpensive blooms when th’ snow is on th’ ground, an’ how t’ make candle-sticks out o’ rosy-cheeked-apples at a nickel per? Th’ Woman’s Page tells how girls who kin remember th’ Franco-Prus-slan War may be ironed out an’ tinted

an’ put back in th’ runnin’; it tells * girl with a mustache how, by a easy tortuous process, she may yet become th’ pride o’ th’ village; it tells what a young lady should put In her suit case fer a. week-end at. Terre Haute. Even when a gtrt writes: "I am seventeen years ole with pleasan’ face an* fine figure but I toe in. Won’t you save me? Gwendolyn,” th’ editur o* th’ Woman’s Page Is not daunteA "I am goln’ with a young man o’ wealth an’ ideal habits but somehow his very touch does not thrill me. Should I entrust my future happiness t* one who does not thrill me? Theresa.**

That’s easy fer th’ editur o’ th’ Woman’s Page. She kin even tell how t* banish that “single agin” feeUn'.How t’ utilize ole apron strings, useful articles made from discarded broom straws, simple recipes fer cherry pies (open face er huntin’ case), exposure o’ th’ many tricks on th’ unsuspectin’ in th’ selection o’ a cucumber, coaxin’ verbenas in February, how t’ bring out th’ sunken cheeks o’ a wilted turnip, nifty aprons from shirt tails, how t’ discourage sick ants, how t’avoid th’appearance o’haste an’flurry In servin’ a guinea, th’ value o’ th’ carrot in carryin’ out color schemes, lastin’ tints fer ear lobes, suitable colfures an’ throat Joggers fer retreatin’ chins an’ veined foreheads, an* how t’ winter a lantana in th’ latitude o’ Detroit. Th’ Editur o’ th’ Woman’s Page knows all o’ these things. Th’ 'Woman’s Page Is enough t* make th’ ole time mother turn over in her grave under th’ cedar tree an* shake hands with herself.

OLD TOWN BOYS

Milt Whitehill, an ole. Brown county boy, who went west In th’ eighties, dropped in on his boyhood friends here Friday. He’s on his way t’ Washin’ton t’ see President’ Wilson abont considerin’ th’ widenin’ o’ th’ Arkansas river. “What ever become o’ Elam Swallow, Milt?” asked ole Niles Turner. “O, he’s one o’ th’ big guns o’ Jay Bird, Kansas.” “Umph! He wuz an awful failure durin’ his. ole sawmill days.” “Did Pogue Spry ever finally amount t’ anything, Milt?” asked Hon. Exeditur Cale Fluhart. “Pogue Is now promotin’ a big irrigatin’ scheme In Idaho an* worth a million.” “We used t* think he wuz a burglar.” “Well, what ever become o’ poor Henry Sapp?” asked Tipton Bud. #

“Henry owns a chain o’ wheat elevators." “Ther wuz a boy that jist had sense enough t’ put his cap on when school wuz out.” *’l reckon Arlw Whipplc*'s hung by this time,” says Uncle Ez Pash. - indeed. He owpsTour pers in Montana an’ Wilson Is liable t* give him a pusteftke.” “He never done nothing but hang around th’ ole Hayes an’ M heeler club room when he lived, here.” !, “I almost fergot t* ask you about Clarence Hanger, Milt. Hfa eyes wuz too close t’gether an’ his folks come from Chillicothe, Ohio,” says ole Niles Turner. v “Clarence got very rich out o’ his zinc mines an’ married th’ daughter o’ a railroad president I think they’re abroad now.” “Ther must be some mistake. He crocheted till he wuz twenty-one.”

“Do you ever; bump up agin’ Perce Dunstan in your travels, Milt?” asked Gabe Craw. “Yes, Percy is l a night clerk in a dollar-a-day hut-tel In Wichita.” “Well, he wuz a good pool player.” “Milt, do you remember th’ Sargent girl that run away with th’ professor o’ th’ ole Acme Skatin’ rink jist about th’ time you went west?” asked Ez Pash. “They’re livin’ at Coffeyville, Kansas, down on th’ border. They’ve got' five children, all in college, an’ they travel most o’ th’ time an’ enjoy ther money.” “Somebuddy ought t* go t’ Coffeyville an’ show her up.” “Do you ever run int’ Andy Gard out West?” asked Tilford Moots. “Oh, yes. Andy is very wealthy a|»* at th’ head o’ a big college.”

“He loafed an’ read when he lived here.” “What ever become o* Morton Bender after he sold out here?” asked ole Niles Turner. “Morton went int’ business In St. Joe, Missouri, after sellin’ out here. Things got t’ gpin’ bad with,him aif fie finally wound up In th poor house. “That’s more like it. I remember th’ very day Borton Bender pulled uj an’ went west. I wuz leanin’ agin’ 1 tree that stood where th’ postofflet now stands an* I says t* him, says I, ‘Morton Bender, you’d better leave well enough alone.’ ” Somes folks hate t’ see a feller sueceed even if he’s workin* fer th’ Lord. (Copyright. Adams Newspaper Service.)

Th’ Woman’s Page Tells How Girls Who Kin Remember th’ Franco-Prussian War May Be Ironed Out an' Tinted an’ Put Back in th' Runnin’; It Telia What a Young Lady Should Put in Her Suitcase for a Week-end at Terre Haute.

“Yea, Percy Is a Night Clerk in a Dollar-a-Day Hut-tel in Wichita."