Evening Republican, Volume 59, Number 109, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 May 1917 — Kin Hubbard Essays [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Kin Hubbard Essays

SPARKIN’ AN’ WEDLOCK ‘

Ere th’ roses o’ June have spent ther fragrance an’ scattered ther petals t’ th’ summer breezes many a bride an’ groom will have returned from Pendleton “an’ other eastern cities’’ with loye’s fondest illusions shattered. Rev. Wiley Ta nger says marriage is an achievement. It prob’iy is an achievement t’ round up some girls, an’ it may be somethin’ closely resemblin’ an achievement t’ hypnotize some fellers an’ railroad ’em t’ th’ altar o’ Hymen in conventional black. But the plain, ever’ day Nlagary Falls marriage kin hardly be called an achievement any more than failin’ over a wheelbarrow in the’ dark an’ escapin’ with your life. Fer a man an’ woman t’ find ’emselves settln’ on th' verandy in th’ twilight o’ life in complete har-

mony with ’emselves an’ th’ world after bein’ harnessed t’gether fer fifty years is an achievement. Th’ reason nine-tenths o’ th’ marriagos come nearer bein’ calamllies than achievements is because at th’ very moment a young couple begin t’ set ther caps ter each, other they_ begin t’ disguise ther real natures. They try t’ make ther tastes an’ preferences an’ very thoughts conform. They pretend t’ study eachother’s every wish. “Do you like my hair this way?” or “What kind of a suit would you git?” or “I don’t care fer ice cream if you don’t.” Sometimes a couple ’ll stall an’ conceal an’ fourflush an’ He t’ ope another fer o’er a year, or until she feels that they’re perfectly matched. Then she’ll say, “I don’t want you t* spend your money on me, Albert,” which is jest another way o l sayin’,

“We’ll need it after we’re married.** After th’ weddln’ comes th’ ole time* honored “If I only known” o’ th’ wlfe t| an’ “If I wuz only single agin’ ” o’ th” husband. y_. ... ; : ~ Some married couples are tactful! enough t* direct th’ con vernation in th” proper channels, others spilt up. some arbitrate, some keep on fourflushin’ In/ public an’ flghtin’ at home, while those who have been on th’ level from th’ time they first met, either qs memberw of an amateur theatrical or at a lawtr fete, live happily ever afterward because they knew jest what they were* gettin*. Some married couples wjio liva tigether are not happy. Ther jest fatelfefifc “ ''■ - ~ Th’ constant poppin* out o’ new

phases o’ each thing that relieves th' monotony o’ lots o’ marriages. A husband or wife should have some occasional diversion outside th’ home. If possible such diversion should be enjoyed t’gether, thereby disarmin’ übfavorable comment an’ th’ same time relievin’ th’ husband from eatln’ at a. resturint. 1 / June is not only th’ weddln’ month but also th’ month o’ strawberries. Many a marriage that seemed t’ have all th’ ear marks o’ smooth sailin’ has been unceremoniously wrecked in th* typhoon o’ disappointment when, scarcely out o’ th* bay, th’ young unsuspectln’ husband has been confronted by his wife’s first strawberry short cake. “Thus in youth he perished ere th* frosts o’ time had blasted Th’ hopes that he had cherished.”

MISS FAWN LIPPINCUT ON “THE IDEAL HUSBAND”

At a meetin’ o’ th’ Fortnightly Teacup Club at th’ home o’ Mrs. Tipton Bud last night, Miss Fawn Lippincut won th’ prize fer th’ best essay on “Th’ Ideal Husband.” Th’ trophy wuz a pair o’ op’ry length tan lisle stockin’s with toeguards. Charmin’ly attired in her pink organdie Miss Lippincut arose an’ read: “After over three hundred years o’ American civilization th’ question as t’ what constitutes a Ideal husband is still bein’ discussed in th’ Sunday newspapers. It seems t’ be settled, first o’ ail, that a husband should be strong an’ brave. I have ha(| lots o’ ideal husbands pointed ont t’ fife AD’ the’r invariably croquet players er lackin’ in other peculiarities o’ th’ genuine. I’ve seen that abominable creature known as th’ attentive husband—th’ husband that’s alius runnin’ t’ git a chair er a shawl, er waitin’ around for somethin’ t’ drop fer him t’

pick up; I’ve seen th’ lovin’ husband that can’t keep his hands off his wife; I’v«-Th:■ lud.ullient-.husbanil, too, tfiat covers his wife with jewelry an’ flubdubs an’ keeps soaked all th’ time, an’ I’ve seen th’ kind, worthless husband that lives with his wife’s folks an’ agrees with ever’thing she says. “Th’ feller that starts in bj carryin’ th’ baskets an’ putting up th’ hammocks nt picnics never gits no higher in g<ri’s estimation. It’s jist th’ steppin’ stotfe t’ wipin’ dishes an’ cut tin’’ scalloped paper fer pantry shelves. Ther’s nothin’ manly er romantic alHHit either. It’s cowardice. A woman feels sorry for a husband she’s not hfral<Lt’ lehve behind xyhen

she goes out o’ tqwp. Toor feller, he’s so good I kin trust him anywhere,* she’ll say, Jist like she wuz talkin’ about a horse. Turn th’ so-called ideal husband loose an’ he’s jist like a poor little simple canary bird when th’ cage door is left open. He don’t know which way t’ turn. He’s lost without his wife t’ guide him. Such a husband knows more about drawn work an’ runnin’ a percolator than he does about bls home town. He’s a reconciled nonentity with a - hopeless expression an’ soft hands. "Accordin’ t’ my notions a ideal husband should, first o’ all, be a man. He should insist on pickin' out his own socks an’ refuse t’ take a chance on a homemade shirt; he should Interest himself in what goes on his wife’s hat an’ where th’ planner sets; he should have a job er a position In some establishment that knows he's workfn’ fer it; he should require his wife t’ look

neat around th’ feet an’ dolled up in th’ forenoons; he should have a charge account at th’ grocery. “TYue happiness does hot alius re* company a house full o’ golden oak furniture an’ children. A husband, should slap his wife on th’ back two er three times a week gn’ kid her about gittln’ purtier ever* day. Wherevefi ther’s a real ideal husband you kin bet ther’s somethin’ ideal about his wife er he wouldn’t be so blamed ideal. > “A good husband should keep ni| bathin’ an’ shavln* after marriage jist as tho* nothin’ had happened, an* his wife should have ever’thing over actual operatin' expenses fer livin’ with him.* 4 (Copyright, Adaiha Newapaper Servicw|

Sometimes a Couple ’ll Stall an* Conceal an’ Fourflush an’ Lie t’ One Another fer O’er a Year or Until She Feels That They’re Perfectly Matched. Then She’ll Say “I Don’t Want You V Spend Money on Me, Albert,” Which Is Jest Another Way o’ Sayin', “We’ll Need It After We’re Married."

“I Have Had Lota o’ Ideal Husbands Pointed Out f Me an’ They’re invariably Croquet Players er Lackin' in Other Peculiarities o’ th’ Genuine.”