Evening Republican, Volume 59, Number 102, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 May 1917 — Kin Hubbard Essays [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Kin Hubbard Essays

TOADYN’ AFTER TH’ GREAT .

“Ze thing' about your Amerika which Impresses me ze most is ze great army o’ bores —let me see—hero worshipers I think you call ’em—that camp on ze trail o’ ze great,” said Signor Antone Colorado Maduro, th’ cele 1 brated Icelandic accordton player, while hidin’ in a box stall at th’ livery stable t’ avoid th’ entertainment committee o’ th’ Ladies Art society. "In no other country in ze world have I found so many—let me see—toadies I think you call ’em —as I find in your Amerika. They no let me sleep! They no let me walk! It’s ze tea, ze dance, ze reception an’ ze luncheons. Ino take a bath. See, my beard has grown beyond my control! I can no shave! I shake ze hand an’ eat all ze time! My stomach no good! It’s —let ■me see —all shot t’ pieces I think you call it!” Th’ craze t’ be mixed up in some way or other with th’ great an’ almost great has about reached th* limit

in this country let us hope. In time th’ fad will drive our own great celebrities abroad, as well as discourage those o’ Europe from seekin’ fresh laurels an’ other things among us. Real celebrities want t’ be let alone jest like reg'lar human beln’s. Great speakers an’ musicians an’ statesmen an’ actors an’ actresses must rest an’ bathe an’ shave jest like paperhangers an’ lawyers an’ other folks. If great people dldn’ need th’ money an’ publicity they wouldn’ stand a minute fer th’ average celebrity trailer. It seems t’ be as much a part o’ th’ contract of a celebrity t’ stand fer bein’ bored air th’ time as it is fer ’em t’ play or sing or speak. What a tryiri’ ordeal It must be fer a Norwegian xylophone player, or a Scandinavian ’cellist, or a Peruvian pianist, or a noted exponent o’ altruism, t’ be surrounded by a bunch o’ perfumed an’ powdered tea pourers while he feels th’ need o’ a bath, or a shave, or a steak with onions.

Some celebrities, o’ course, travel in ther own special cars an’ kin sleep an* shave while they hide on a side track in th’ suburbs, but they’ve all’ paid th’ price in th’ past. It’s great fun t’ watch a reception committee while it waits fer th’ train bearin’ its prey. Th’ plan o’ attack has been arranged an’ rehearsed like a fire drill. Ever’ contingency is provided fer. Th’ committee huddles t’gether with grave an’ sober faces. Each member is thoroughly sensible o’ his great responsibility. Each thinks only o’ th* part he is t’ play. Th’ occasional click' o’ a huntin’ case watch is all that disturbs th’ quiet vigil. Th’ committee knows its business. When th’ whistle blows it's th’ signal fer th’ leadin’ hardware merchant t’ crank his flivver an’ have it in readiness. Th’ leadin’ banker an’ prominent pastor move t’ a position where th’ coach bearin’ th’ celebrity is likely t’ halt. It is th ’pastor’s busi-

ness t’ greet th’ celebrity an’ pass his luggage t’ th’ leadin’ banker. At this juncture th’ mayor, who has remained in th’ offin, wa Iks forward an' extends a fat damp hand an’ escorts th’ party t’ th’ flivver. Then th’ celebrity is spirited t’ th’ home of a prominent club woman, where th’ committee on entertainment take him in charge. At eight-ten p. m., after eatln’ an’ shakin’ hands an’ inspectin’ th’ new waterworks an’ th’ heatin’ system o’ K. of P. hall, th’ celebrity appears pale an’ exhausted fer th’ evenin’s entertainment. Have you ever noticed that th’ greater a celebrity is th’ later he arrives in town an’ th’ earlier he gits out? Next t’ thunderous applause ther hain’t nothin’ a really great celebrity likes better'n jumpin’ int’ a sleeper before his audience kin recover from his closin’ remarks. Th’ penalty fer bein’ great is bein’ bored. ——

THE WALKIN’ ENCYCLOPEDIA

In ever’ community ther’s a meek, glossy, smirkin’, Indolent walkin’ encyclopedia whose means o’ support baffles th’ most searchin’ Investigation an’ whose wonderful fund o’ Information is th’ envy of all th’ students. Early on his rounds, with plenty o’ begged terbacker an’ a cheerful word fer all, this gentleman o’ leisure an’ wide Information is ready an’ willin’ t’ untangle any discussion or t’ be tapped at any moment fer th’ news o’ th’ world. On th’ blacksmith shop campus, by th’ spattered grocery stove, on th’ pustofllce cbrner,’at th’ foot o’ th’ K. o’ T. hall stairs, or behind th’ prescription case o’ th’ dimly lighted dry territory drug store this fluent bureau o’ information may be encoun-

tered anxious an’ eager t’ come across with th’ correct pronunciation o’ Prze-mvsl-or th’ actual displacement o’ th’ late Hungarian cruiser Xenta, which now languishes beneath th’ surface o’ th’ blue 'Adriatic. Alius perfectly at ease in th' discussion o’ th’ complicated condition o’ European affairs, with th’ Washington news at his finger ends, his composure, never hampered fer dates, thoroughly conversant on th needs o’ South America, an authority on th’ Bible, familiar with th’ feelin’ In Italy or Pennsylvania, saturated with th’ history o’ Louvain, never fumblin’ th’ name of a Belgian hero or hesitatin’ at th’ name of a Ru3S * aa rivet*, never resortin’ t -0 map, this idle Solomon puts f flight all who dare

take issue with him an' electrifies th* lowly an’ uninformed. Those whose dally lives are too much taken up with th’ perplexities o’ ther own existence t’ permit them t’ foller th’ forturfes o’ th’ various wings an’ second joints o’ th’ German army, or t’ gather anything beyond a meager smatterin’ o’ th’ activities o’ th’ allies, are appalled at ther own ignorance while in th’ presence o’ th’ intellectual nonproducer. They fergit that he’s a pensioner on thrift, they overlook his soft, white hands an' th’ fact that he spins not. Meek an’ bewildered they stand while he handles th’ awful situation in Europe in a cool, impassive manner. But whether it’s th’ war, th’ potash deposits o’ North America, our

consular service, th’ value o’ butterfat or th’ sugar beet industry (fer we never know what a gentleman o’ wide general infomaHon Isgoing’t’tackle next) our student loafer will be found thoroughly equipped an’ qualified t’ meet all comers. It’s too bad that th’ great wealth o’ information along ever’ line that reclines under th’ hat o’ th' learned idler can’t be commandeered by th’ proper authorities an* distributed among th’ busy an’ more deservin’. When it comes t’ knowledge nobuddy but; « A™* class loafer kin keep abreast o’th’times. (Copyright, Adams Newspaper Servics.) Moscow university admits women M students.

Those Whose Daily Lives Are Too M uch Taken Up With th’ Perplexities o Ther Own Existence V Permit T hem t’ Foller th’ Various Wings an’ Second Joints o’ th’ German Arm y, or t’ Gather Anything Beyond a Meager Smatterin’ o’ th’ Actlvltie s o’ th’ Allies, Are Appalled at Ther Own Ignorance Whil* In th’ Prese nee o’ th’ Intellectual Nonproducer.

Hidin' In a Box Stall at th' Livery Stable t' Avoid th’ Entertainment Committee o’ th’ Ladies Art Society.