Evening Republican, Volume 59, Number 101, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 May 1917 — HASHIMURA TOGO [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

HASHIMURA TOGO

domestic SCIENTIST

by WALLACT IRWIN

TOGO IN BACHELOR'S HALL

Dear Mr. Sir: If you make inquiry for me at home of Hon. C. J. McGumm Philadelphia, N. J., please do not go there, because needless to find me where Ino longer am. I changed my .mind from that job of employment for reason 1 lay here. Hon. Mrs. C. J. McGumm are blondface lady of considerable young yeare and very good housekeeping mind. Her Hon. Husband (of similar name) are the only untidiness she cannot sweep off from carpet when attacking cleanliness. ' ~ “Why are you so rubbish, Hon. Darling?” she require each nightfall when he retreat home from office with tired business appearance. “When you are in house all furniture cease to act obedient like it should and everything become deranged apart. Doorknob then become hat-rack for your derby, your coat wanders to sofa and fall asleep, while shoes will be found under piano kicking mud." He act entirely sugar to her. _He reply to her inquiries by kissing expression of mustache, and they talk dove-dove language, which explain everything by not doing so. But at lastly explodes came. “Must marriage always be a cyclone?” she require one morning a. m. when he threw newspaper in gas-log with negligee expression. "Hon. Heartsweet!” he snuggest, “I wish be comfortable in my own home.” "So ha!" she dib for pain. “If that is where your thoughts are staying, then all must cease. Fareby! Henceforthly you shall find me c/o Mother” She arrange hat with traveling expression and make bang-out from door. While she depart off Hon. McGumm stand by window-glass looking very Romeo. Sadness showed from his ears and chin. Then suddenly he resolve around, making humorous smiles resembling tickled hyenas. “Ha. ha," he say so. "Tee Hee and Ho. She imagines to think home cannot be properly heated without a woman. She thinks shucks. Togo, we ~"t^WlfgrilW'.'' m Bachelor Hall are only proper residence for male gentlemen.” "I am agreeable for this,” 1 retort fearlessly. "How should we begin changing the sex of this home?” * “Signs of refinement should be removed with immediate quickness,” he devolve. 'Remove ribbons & home-sweet-home portraits from wall and order 6 cases beer. Iff attic you shall find complete college-boy outfit of Indian clubs, box-gloves, and love-me pictures. These shall be arranged in parlor to resemble saloon and other outdoor sports. Prepare for dinner-eat tonight 10 lb. complete beefsteak & 9 apple pies, served with poker-chips and onions. To night at 7 p. m. I shall give annual banquet to members of Yamma Yamma Fraternity of which I was a joiner in days of manhood.” “I shall do so with all the crudeness of my nature,” I alarm. ‘.‘Banzai & hurrah! We are free!” holla Hon. McGumm while he depart to office looking happy but lonesome. With considerable talent resembling dry-goods draping windows. I derange decorations for that parlor-room. I pile beer-bottles to piano and fill jardenair with cigars. A rude bouse motto reporting "CAMELS ONLY DRINK ONCE IN 78 DAYS BUT ENJOY IT LONG TIME” F sat on mantelpiece where portrait of Hon. Ralph Woodrow Emerson once were. Hon. Punch Bag 1 roped from chandeleer, while landscapes representing actor-ladies, dogs and other glee clubs I disarranged esthetically where was. I set parlor table with foodplates and decorate him in central middle with box-gloves and college pendulum containing joy-cries. Poker-chips by each plate. At promptness of six o’clock I elope to kitchen and commence mingling . MWtff At 6.22 I hear war-aong resembling feetball, and, peaking fourth frarwtghffi. 1 Observe Hon. C. J. McGummTnlnglng^home a Varsity. “Them were hilarious days,” commute Ho» Boss. “Let us giv rah-rah.” They do so, while plaster jar loose from spoken song. When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie, all require, “What the matter with Togo?” "Nothing, no more than usual,” I snop for dignity. This seem to make them still more thirsty, so beer was sipped amidst Yamma Yamma congratula-

tions. That ceremony were done very quietly while tablecloth was burning from heated cigarette. “There was nothing to equal bachelor enjoyment,” explain Hon. C. J. McGumm while doing so. “Nothing,” report one Taft-shape athlete. “I announce my engagement to Miss Tessie Dewberry.” "We also shall marry in springtime,” pronounce 2 others distinctually. Slight glum settle over all until basso quartet make song-sing entitled “Soldier’s Farewell,” which add more jolly. us play penny-aunty as in oldtime date,” snuggest Hon. Doss. So they do so with considerable card. r - Mr. Editor, I cannot understand this gambol. It are like golf, a game spoken in a foreign language. Considerable pile-up of poker-chip was enjoyed while one man say “I see you!" yet look other way. They sat for long lateness gossiping about Aunty amidst click-click noise It seem very tame exercise, less cruel than feetballing, but more expensive. By one a. m. time my eyes got hypnotized from watching this straightflushing amusement, so I retired my head on chair and slept away. At 3 a. m. by clockwork, 1 awoke upwards with basso quartet retreating off with song-sing entitled “Good-night, Lady!” Yet 1 could not see her. Next morning 8 a. m. Hon. Boss Man say he no care for breakfast in din-ing-room because it make him feel destitute So he took egg and coffee in kitchen. He say he would be home indefinitely, so he depart off for office seeming entirely unmarried. I took look at the appearance of that bachelor parlor, Considerable rumpage was observed there. Quite several cigars had remained where they dropped and 26 bottles stood by gas-log looking quite vacant. Portraits of flogs & glee-clubs hung on r-yyail in jmequal position, resenibling sea-storm. What must Ido with this room? I think Hon/Boss had totd me whether Bachelor Hall should ever be clean. Maybe not. It certainly look less ladylike than ever in this deranged condition.. Pehapsly Hon. Boss should be entirely enraged if I attempt to broom & dust this copipartment he had took so much pains to masculify. So I set by table, lit slight cigar, and read pugilist paper while upturning my. feet. As thusly 1 reclined I did not hear something coming in front door. “O !!!••??" I peek upward. There stood Hon. Mrs. looking less peaceful than hornets. “Hashimura Togo, what species of brutal debutchery have you been doing In my absentee’’” she snarrel. . - L ; ; "I no do!" r say~so. "Hon. Husband'ab! "Do not add untruthfulness to your falsehood,” she snuggest snap-turtle-fully. “I have read in papers about the distrugtworthiness of Japanese servantgirls. But now I know. O!!! 1 leave my poor dear Husband for you take mre of. And thusly you neglect him. How he must suffer!" She cover her hands with her face. “1 swear it, Mrs. High Boss, your Hon. Husband " "Do not swear before ladies." she snlb. “Now depart away while I fainL’* 1 do so feeling entirely decapitated. Hoping you are the same, Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

(Copyright, by Internationa) Press Bureau.)

When I Fetch Forth Raw Steak and Apple Pie All Require, “What the Matter With Togo?”