Evening Republican, Volume 59, Number 77, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 April 1917 — Untitled [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

JJOMESTIC SCIENTIST

by WA LLACE IRWIN

TOGO'S MOVING DAY Dear Sir: Kindly to please notice my detachment from employ of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Anna G. Bulkz. Cornstable, N. J. I shall tell you how they car* lusslv came to remove their home without including me among furniture. One morning a. m. Hon. Mrs. arrive to kitchen and observe me singing Japanese opera amid dish-pans. ■ ~ „ .. v ~. ‘Togo,” she say it. "date of Maytime will soonly arrive up. May Day are come when nervus prostration are enjoyed by all Homes which must travel for their health." “I should like learn this education." I say it. “You Bhall,” she pronounce. “Kindly to begin at oncely. Firstly you may rave through house tearing all pictures down and all carpets up. We must move on Wednesday before our lease stops doing so." ---; If ' “1 shall obey with faithful mania’* are promus from me So 1 do so to any extent. 1 seek forth with tack hammer and am so earnest from labor that entire residence look quite cyclone. Hut Hon. Mrs. Sulkz would not agree to this wisdoms. When plaster cast of Mr. Dante, famous inferno, fell over and stroked me on forelnad with his sharp nose, Hon. Mrs. make loudy ouch. “Awful!” she yellup. “Why must everything break that strikes you?” “I am grieved." This from me. “If that poet gentleman had less soft bead it would not explode when striking mine.” When Hon. Sulkz, important gentleman of Hon. Taft resemblance, retire homewards that night, he look round with anxious thumbs. “1 wish woman could vote," hp exaggerate, “because then they would get less time for housekeeping and home would be left comfo r «.able once in a whiles." j At lastly morning of May date arrive. I hear noise of considerable “Whoa!" befront of house. Look see! Three swollen wagons resembling circus was there while 3 drivers, assisted by enlarged Irish, spoke language to horses wearing overalls. 1 rosh downwards to open door and all Moving Vanners rosh inwards intending to make jiu-jitsu with furniture. “O please!” collapse Hon. Mrs. while them 6 Vanners looked cruelty at piano while unrolling their giant muscles. "O please be gentle with my home!” “Mrs. Lady.” say Hon. Boss Mover, making chawtobacco, “strong men are always kindest.” With such dictation he embrace Hon. Piano with terrible Turkish elbows and knock off several legs by removing door-knob while brushing too close. Assisted by considerable Irish, Hon. Piano make crashbang music by stumbling into Van. Pretty soonly all that Home was ejected outward into street. Ancestors, coal-scuttles, landscapes, dictionary, dust-pan, etc., all waltzed down stairway on top of that great muscle. Pretty soonly, when that Home were completely tied down in wagons, Hon Mrs. arise upwards from her nervus prostration and say so to me, “Togo, can your brain do some intellect?” “I shall be entirely brilliant, if brain is not,” I promus. “Well, if so,” she snagger, “I wish you would ride on front wagon with Chief Housebreaker and tell his brainless mind the number of new house where it should go." .. “Where shall it be?” I inquest. • “Remember this number exactly—l2s North Orange Street. Can your memory assimilate it?” “Doggishly!” I iaaur*-—— . . ■ '-t , : — 1 “Remember— whlle HOff. VaHToad chuckle off. This job of bossing boss make me entirely enlarged in my sensations which feel like German army. —• Pretty soonly we arrive up to home entitled Number 125. O such landscape of expensive house! Front lawn extending on all sides, considerable pompus windows, goddesses in iron nightgowns standing near fountains, and front door of considerable brass resembling Senators. Joy inflamed my ears. While thinking this intelligence I stood forth and commanded all those enlarged Vanners like Napoleon moving into France. Firstly we go to front

floor of new home for open him so furniture get in. How strange! Hon. Key seem disabled to unlock it. Howeverly much we twist and fubble, it make no impression on that brassy opening. v “You have got wgong key.” say Chief Mover. “But not be dishcouraged. I was once a burglar. Therefore I can deceive that lock into opening himWith talented thumbs and several pocket-knife he stroggled & ranched until— O suddenly!— Hon. .Door click apart and there we stood in grandy hall resembling theaters. But what I see there? Surprise! That home we entered were entirely filled with furnitupe of boastful appearance. Sofas, statues & gilty upholstery stood everywhere looking natural. “Last family have been too sluggish to move out in time,’' glub Hon. Vanner. “Shall we throw out this proud furniture and wedge ours in?’’ “Gentlemen with so much duplicate tables should lead double lives,” grubble Hon. Boss Teamer. “Shall we move inwards?” “With immediate quickness!” I signify, making Admiral Tirpitz eyebrows. So all Moving Vanners do so with immediate strength. Sooner than before all that Sulkz home was walking into midst of grandeur which look quite snobbish to see so many plain chair & fcible piled up in midst of that Czar of Russia parlor. No room was for another piano, yet we pile him next. When all this jobs were completely finished, that house look like a judge after Republican- banquetB —entirely grand, yet too filled to feel comfortable. 6 However! When all thOße Vanners_,aay “Giddap!”,tnd drove awgy^Jn Gen. Direction of more beer, I sat alonesome in house. 4 hours I await idly ' doing nothing. What had occurred to kill all Sulkz family that they do not come to reside in this new palace? I Vfas confused. Night time approach up. I could hear ghosts creaking under piano, so I lit SIO,OOO chandelier in diningroom and ate crackers while pretending I were King of Portugeese expecting reV °Bilence was interrupted by noise. What was? I heard many footprint, walking into house--and while it was too soon to hide. 2 realestaters, 6 police; Mrs Sulkz, Mr. Sulkz, child & dog walk inwards. “How you get in here?” howell Hon. Mrs. with voice. -I move in,” I narrate calmly. “This are number you told.” “It are right number but wrong house,” she snuggest. “I told you North Orange Street. This are South Orange Street.” “Would that make Borne importance?” I ask out. “Mentality of a mice!" she aggravate. "Do you not know difference between North and South?” “There are no difference.” I- explain with Abe Lincoln expression. “That were settled by civil war." But before i could complete finishing my talk, more civil war elapsed while Hon Sulk*, police, real-estate, child & dog poke me through mixed furniture while I elope away like an old-fashioned egg escaping from Dr. " Wiley. Hoping you are the same, y * Tours truly, HABHIMURA TOGO. ' (Copyright, ISM. Mr International Press -

“Mantality of Mice! Do You Not Know Difference Between North and South?