Evening Republican, Volume 59, Number 73, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 April 1917 — Kin Hubbard Essays [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Kin Hubbard Essays

Hon. Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart on “The Duties of an Editor

“Next t’ walkin’ at th' head o’ a minstrel perade with a big wooly overcoat nil’ cane ther haint nothin’ tliat looks as fascinatin’ as editin’ a new'spnper,” said Hon. Ex-Editur Cale Fluhurt, this mornin', as he mailed a stove pipe full o’ carrots t’ a niece in Virgin ny. “Th’ feller that stands up on th’ nineteenth story o’ a steel frame iu January an’ ketches red hot rivets in his apron is a loafer compared t’ th’ editur o’ a newspaper,” continued th’ pioneer publisher. * “A Panhandle conductor has n tranquil existence when you figure up th’ responsibilities o’ a reg’lar editur. A editur must he a great diplomat. He must he - both evasive an’ dlrecj; he must understand th’ manly art o 1 self defense an’ talk entertaiuin’ly about th’ European war; he must use rare disFrotforTTh" W ’distrTßutioh o T theater pusses an’ church supper tickets; he

must he willin’ t’ carry a lot o’ magazines under his arm when at large; he must 14 fond o’ musical treats an’ conversant on th’ zinc schedule; he must have a dress suit an’ be able t’ go gn hour without smokin’; he should wear glasses on a cord an’ have a pale forehead an’ not be afraid o’ paste; above all he should have an uiiyieldin’ spine an’ th’ courage t* say ‘Yes.’ “An editur has many callers an’ he should be a reader o’ human nature er th’ circulation will dwindle. Ther’s th’ feller that’s taken th’ paper since its first issue nn’ who wants his sidewalk grade changed; ther’s the ole chap with th’ greasy stiff hat an’ th’ stained white whiskers that wants t’ look thro’ th’ exchanges fer Th’ Dunkirk Standard; th’ statesman with th’ frock coat an’ black cravat that lias been misquoted ; tfi’ girl who Sundayed at Seymour an’ who w-ants her flrnt name spelled ‘Edythe’; th’ mother o’

th’ boy that got color-blind while workin’ in a grocery; th’ liberal advertiser that wants his divorce kept quiet; th feller, that thinks some o’ gittin’ his friends t’ insist on him coinin’ out fer mayor; th' woman whose lilac bloomed twice in May; th’ oldest inhabitant who wants t’ set tli’ paper right on th’ date o’ Horace Greeley’s visit; th’ feller that helped build th’ ole mill that burned down etist o’ town; th' woman whose little boy kin draw’ anything; th’ feller that likes th’ editur personally but don't agree with th’ paper; th’ farmer with eighteen peaches on one twig; th’ hobo that’s walkin’ from Bangor, Maine, t’ Portland, Oregon; th’ circus agent with red striped cuffs an’ dyed mustache; “th’ perfumeladened queen that’s giftin’ up a ‘home talent’ fer charity (?) ; th’ farmer that found a Indian dart while plowin’; th’ woman winise name has lieen OUilftPd from th’ list o’ those present, an’ last.

but fer from bein’ th’ least, th’ feller with th’ three column communication written on both sides o’ th’ paper entitled, ‘Th’ Possibilities o’ Concrete’ er ‘Th’ Longevity o’ Vitrified Brick.’ “Tli’ modern editur* must have th’ generalship t‘ handle this motley army in such a fashion that each an’ all o’ ’em emerge from his sanctum sliakin’ with laughter. Then, when th 1 shades o’ evenin’ gather an’ th’ streets are deserted th’ editur’ll call his wife up an’ tell her not t’ set up fer him an’ fill his pipe an’ write a column editorial on ‘Th’ Future o’ Alasky.’ Aside from an occasional umbreller left behind er a, pole se-gar tossed on his desk th’ editur 0’ a newspaper gits jist about as much out o’ life as a stationary engineer.!?— Resumin’, th’ grizzled journalist said, “But th’ most trouble I had when I wuz u editur wuz beepin’ my wife from heatin’ th’ paper out.” — —

Misplaced Energy

Somewhere in th’ East th’ slow, tedious process of restorin’ a Great Auk (also spelled Aik, Awk, Alck and Alka) is in progress. This bird belonged t’ an antediluvian race o’ monsters even exceedin’ in dimensions th’ celebrated Diplodoecus Carnegie!. If alive t’day an’ able t’ be up an’* about th’ Great -Aiik .imuM. easily pick flowers off th’ roof o’ th’ Woolworth buildin’. While th’ Great Auk wuz distinctly Arctic in its proclivities his huge bones are frequently unearthed in Floridy, which shows that he wuz some little traveler

an’ often wandered for from headquarters. Still, fer a bird o’ his size it wuz only a step from Spitzbergen t’ Jacksonville. When all th’ neck hopes o’ th’ Gteat Auk arc collected an’ set in place it will be proven t’ th’ world that he stood at least a head taller in his bare feet than th’ famous Gigantosaurus Augustus Africanus, of which so.little is known. Accordin’ »’ a distinguished Berlin scientist th’ Great Auk abounded in Labrador as late as th’ Tildeu campaign, while a Vienna authority o’ repute writes that large flocks O’ th’ bird were seen on lh’ funks off th’ south coast o’ Newfoundland, ah’ that it wuz th’ only North American bird without wings, defendin’ its young by kickin’. A section o’ th’ Great Auk’s spine measurin’ thirty-nine feet wuz found in Floridy in 1880 an’ is included in th’ present frame now under construction in th’ East. At present a party o’ scientists are spadin’ fer th’ wishbone east o’ Seattle, while still other scientists are follerin’ a clew in Sumatra with th’ hope ri*- apprehendin’ th’ clavicle an’ a couple of muchneeded ribs. Who furnishes th’ money t’ run down these tips, an’ how society is t’ be benefited by a complete skeleton o’ th’ Great Auk is not known, au’ Jxow those who aye spendin’ ther time

an’ means in th’ project expect t’ recoupe is also a mystery.— What a pity it is that so much money an’ energy is annually wasted in diggin’ up th’ fossil refnains o’ feathered skyscrapers an’ long-waisted dinosauruses when ther’s so many things o’ comparatively recent years that might be restored t’ tli’ real benefit o’ ever’buddy. netTJurseientlst.'i-git.-t-’getheE, an' devise some way t’ allay th’ fears o’ th’ little handful o’ men who have cornered th’ wealth o’ this country. Let them knock off work on th’ Great

Auk fer a while an’ set about t’ restore confidence. (Copyright, Adams Newspaper Service.)

When All th' Neck Bones o' th' Great Auk Are Collected an' Set in Place It Will Be Proven t’ th' World That He stood at Least a Head Taller in His Bare Feet Than th’ Famous Gigantosaurus Augustus Africanus, of Which So Little ls~Known.

“Ther's th' Ole Chap With th' Greasy Stiff Hat an’ th’ Stained White Whiskers That Wants t' Look Thro' th’ Exchanges for th’ Dunkirk Standard.”