Evening Republican, Volume 59, Number 71, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 April 1917 — THE WAIL OF A MALE WHO BOUGHT BY MAIL [ARTICLE]

THE WAIL OF A MALE WHO BOUGHT BY MAIL

Ma was reading out loud from her magazine, When she says to me, "The best I’ve seen For all the things that must be had Is this here low price mail house ad. "Here’s Cross Grained Oats, 9 cents—no more—’Gainst 10 they’re charging at the store. And If all the rest that’s advertised Is just as cheap I’d not be s’prisefl That we’d save money in the end By trading with our low price friend.” So I shot an order Into the mall— It carried my name, It carried my kale. I ordered a lamp and a rocking chair, A pall of prunes and some underwear. My wife, she ordered two petticoats. A new false puff and some* Cross Grained oats; A Noah’s Ark for baby’s toy, A pair of boots for Bub, the boy; Stockings for Nell, a waist for LizzieJust writing that order kept me busy. Well, we shot the order into the mall—’Twas all of a thirty dollar sale; We figured out three days was enough To fetch us that dodblasted stuff. They got my coin, but not a peep ' " Did I hear from the firm of Grab & Keep. ’Twas all of two weeks—maybe three— Before them goods arrived for me. I got a notice, hitched the ma’ar And drove three miles to the -railroad car. I found a whacking big box there— Some smashed up, but I didn’t care. (Whon you’ve honed for—prunes unttl lt hurts And your back is cold for lack of shirts, When the goods in front of you's labeled "Must," > You grab 'em—if the box Is bust!) So I heaved the wreckage into the cart And headed for home, feeling pretty smart. My goods had come from a town that’s real, And I'd saved four dollars on the deal!

We soon got home and opened the cdse And looked at our purchases, face to face Well, sir. ’twas an eye opener, you can bet, ' And one that I shan't soon forget! The parcel of oats was torn to rags— But we’d saved twelve cents on a dozen bags! The prunes seemed good, and the baby's toy> Before it broke he had one day’s Joy! My wife’s false puffs was some horsehair stuff, And her petticoats wa’n’t half large enough. Th* etnckings for Nell looked thin and frail, The waist was ruined by a rusty nail. The lamp was as lurid as a three weeks boll And held ’bout a teacup full of on. The boots for Bub cost the same, no morfy Than Hoskins asks at the village store. But the rocking chair, "built of solid oak," Was the funniest part of this wholesale Joke. Oh, 'twas just like the picture, rod and —rung, But the size of the thing's where we got stung. Ma triad lr and found 'twas a false alarm—'Twas a foot too narrow from arm to arm! Nell had more luck; she wedged right In— But we pried her out with the rolling pin! Then I set right down and figured the sale That “ad” had made through the U. S. mall. I flggered an hour, and then some more, And found we had nothing on the village store! \ rd sent thirty dollars to Chicago, 111., And saved twelve cents on the total bill! Then I seen at once ’twas them nine cent oats ' Had taken our dollars and made us goats! Bo I swore by all that was holy and pure rd read no ads with a low price lure. X stopped ma's magazine on the spot. Win I take it again? I reckon not; Leastwise not tin they put a ban ‘ \ On that “come-on” stuff of the mail house ■MSI ’