Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 February 1917 — GOOD JOKES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GOOD JOKES

AN APT PUPIL. “The great trouble with you," said Mrs. Jaggsby to her husband, the morning' after the night before, “is your inability to say ‘No!’ Learn to say it at the proper time and you will have fewer headaches." “I can see where you have the right brand of dope, my dear,” replied he of the throbbing teihples. “By the way," continued Mrs. J. “I want to do a little shopping today. Can you let me have $10?" “No,” answered the wily Jaggsby, without a moment’s hesitation. What Worried Him. “Papa, dear,” said the anxious daughter,, “you must not worry because Harold is going to marry me and take me far away from you and mamma.” “Oh, a little thing like that isn’t going to worry me,’’Replied the fond parent, “but if he ever does anything that will cause you to come back to us again, Til certainly do him bodily injury." Naturally Grave. •T have here,” said the party with the unbarbered hair who had ejected his person Into the editorial sanctum when the office boy wasn’t looking, “a little poem entitled ‘A Pauper’s Grave.’ ” “Huh!” growled the editor. “Nothing remarkable about that. Who has a better right to be grave than a pauper? You certainty wouldn’t expect his mirth to slop over, would you?”

USE OF CLOTHES.

Mr. Hickson—lPs'getting very chilly. Why don’t you put on your coat? Mrs. Hickson —Then none would see my new hand-embroidered waist. A Philanthropist. A certain type of citizen I teserves the highest praise; He’ll often lend you "five” or "ten” And no objections raise. Something Wrong. “There was a steep embankment on my right and a high wall on my left, ’ explained the bandaged motorist. “Around a curve swept a big touring car full of intoxicated joy riders. I was between Scylla and Charybdis." “Hold on,” interrupted the interested listener. “You told me just nojy you were on the road between Perkinsville and Jackson’s Gap when this accident happened.’’Then She Relented. . “Henry, can you look me in the eye and tell rne a falsehood?” “I’m afraid I can, dtsnr.” “Oh, you brutel” “Could I ever have persuaded a woman like you to marry me if I hadn’t exaggerated my good qualities?”

That Egg Argument. “You see,” shid Columbus, “I haveproved by this egg that the world is round.” “But -It works both ways,” replied the king, doubtfully. “A boiled egg shows that the world is round. But if it were made into an omelet it would demonstrate with no less clearness that the world is flat.”—Washington Evening Post. Motorist’s Resentment. “Have you studied economy in the home?” "Yes,” replied Mr. Chuggins. “I’m tired of paying out all this money to Seep up a cooking range, instead of Spending it for gasoline.” Cause of the Delay. “I hope,” said the pastor, solemnly, “that you are prepared to die.” “No,” said the sick man, “I won’t be ready until noon tomorrow. . Then I’ll have the deed to my lot In the cemetery.” Proud Father. “He seems proud of his children.'’ “He is. He doesn’t care whose time he wastes talking about them.”—Detroit Free Press.

Had a Bum Dinner. Mrs. Wise—We were at the Browns’ to dinner last week—now, if we don’t make a dinner call they won’t ask us again. Mr. Wise — Good. Then we won’t make the call. - Nothing to Work Oft. "The iSea of Cholly Dobson going to see a brain specialist!” "Well, why not?” “Oh, for the same reason that ft’s a waste of time for a man with two cork legs to consult a chiropodist,”

HE FEELS IT.

Quiz—Does a draft give you cold chills down your back? Whiz—lt does when my bank account Is overdrawn. His Only Charm. The dude's a walking fashion plate. With but a single charm; Upon his watch chain it shows up. Where It can do no harm. Too High for Advancement A schoolgirl in Columbus was listening to a discussion In the family circle. Members of the family remarked about the wonderful advancement made In Indiana in the last 100 yeara. ---——■ “But there will not be that much advancement made during the next one hundred years,” the child declared. “Why not?” she was asked. “Well,” she replied, “everything has to be so high that people can’t afford to make much advancement any more.” —Indianapolis News. Does Very Well. . “So you are going out West for the first time?” “Yes. All the knowledge I have of that part of the country was acquired at moving picture shows.” “Then you have a pleasant surprise In store. The West Is not inhabited chiefly by impossible cowboys, spectacular sheriffs and beauteous maidens who never get a minute’s rest from the unwelcome attentions of halfbreed desperadoes.” Unreasonable Request. . “Another scheme for ameliorating prison life has gone to smash.” “How so?” "7 “A humane person suggested that every inmate of a certain prison be allowed to keep a pet in his cell.” “Well?” “A burglar named Micky Flyna wanted a goat.”

An Insinuation. “When I began business for myself,” said the pompous man, “I had nothing. Now I am worth a million.” “Yes,” rejoined the party addressed, “and those who did business with you when you began once had the million.” Learned Better. “Did your husband jjse. to. write you poetry before you were married?” “No; but he used to write me what we both thought was poetry.”—Houston Post. Who Knows? ' “D o you suppose the time will ever come wlicii they will be through digging up the streets of New York?” “Can't say. Some people believe In the millennium, and some don’t.”

AN INTERFERENCE.

"How many ducks did you shoot, Pat?” “The dlvll a wan! The lake wor full av thlm. But Iv’ry time I’d point me gun at wan, d’ye mOind, another wan w’d get betwixt me an’ him an’ spoil me a’m!” '/ ---. . ——-w Too Little Cecil—Mamma, tell me a story about fairies and witches ami imps. ' , . Mother—-Very well. Once upon a time there was a little imp named Cecil, and — Little Cecil—Mamma, perhaps you had better cut out the imps and stick to witches and fairies. His Answer. : Willie—Say, pop; what’s radium? His Father (absently)—The ’ stuff they make radiators out of.