Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 February 1917 — GOOD JOKES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GOOD JOKES

AN ABSOLUTE NECESSITY.

Volunteer —Hi, thar. chief! Didn’t ye hear the fire alarm? The hull durn taown’s a-burnin’ up. The Chief —Well, bing it, Susan’s away and I can’t find my red shirt.nowhar.

His Fatal Error. He tried to kiss her ruby lips. At least, so I suppose; But he forgot about the slips— So she got it on the nose. Bad Outlook. Mrs. Flatbush —You look mad. Mrs. Bensonhurst —I am mad. “What’s gone wrong now?’’ “My husband’s started his New Year’s resolutions.” —“What’s he going to give up?” “Smoking.” “Good for him !” “It may be good for him. but not for me. Where do you suppose my coUr pons are to come from?” Exceptional Character. “Abou ben Adhem, who loved his fellow ma®, had nothing on Dubwaite.” "How is that?” “I have actually seen Dubwaite display a friendly interest in a pair of plumbers who were mending a pipe at his house, although he knew he would have to pay five times what the job was worth.”

Left at the Post. He had staked his future happiness on a proposal—and lost. - “But,” he persisted, "what can I do to win your favor?” ' “That’s JusLit,” she explained. “The man who wins my favor must have sufficient money to enable him to do nothing.” Getting Out. ( “I see where a ehap was caught kissing his pretty cousin, the wife of another man. There was the dickens of a row.” “And no wonder?” “He plead consanguinity.” “Umph! He'd* better change that plea to insanity.” Just Lazy. “I thought some years ago that 'I detected in young Bilfur., the earmarks of genius,” remarked Mr. Twobble. “Indeed?” “But.l have lately decided that he is merely one of those chaps who will eventually marry a woman competent to run a boarding house.” ■ •J. —There Are Such Cases. “A forceful character.” ‘Fm—not—deuylng-- that,” answered the motor enthusiast. “But he doesn’t seem able to make a success of anything.” "Yes. Many a man travels all his life ‘on high’ without getting anywhere.” ’ ' - «, OBLIGING.

Jimmy Harduut —Yes, Earlie, it’s always customary in launching a new boat ter break a bottle over de bow,' an’ as dere ain’t no persons of prominence around. I’ll be kind ernuff ter do de bottle-bustin’ fer yer. Easily Convinced. ~“I presume a successful automobile salesman has to be a glib talker?” “Oh, yes. And it also helps him in his business if he has the pulchritude of a moving picture actor." “How ls that?” A __ . ... . -- “When a car is being demonstrated to a woman, if the chap who drives it is handsome she sure feels the engine 1»- all right? 1 J ~ Said He—- Dead men tell no tales. Said She —But their tombstones do.

DOCTOR’S ORDERS. • - ... > “Six months ago you told me yota couldn't sleep' at night for worrying about thp money you owed me.” “So I did,” answered the impecunious debtor. “But you still owe me, and you are not a nervous wreck." “True. You when I realized that it was impossible to pay you. I went to see a doctor about my insomnia. He advised me; tp quit worrying, and if there is anything I pride myself on It’s following the doctor’s orders Implicitly.” Generous Offer. “Time and again I’ve given you a lift in my motor car.” - -“So-you have.” “Now that I am hard up and can’t meet this month’s payment on it, you refuse to lend me any money.” “Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do to help you out. You estimate the number of times you have taken me to town in your Car and I’ll pay you 10 cents for each ride, which is twice the fare charged by a jitney bus."

Beginning of-the Scrap. He was a widower and she was a widow. They met —felt sorry for each other in their loneliness —and so thfy married. i‘Tiu sorry,” he said one morning at the breakfast table, “that you can’t cook as well as my first Wife did.” VAnd 1 am sorry,” she rejoined, “that you haven’t the business ability my firstliushahd had He earned sufficient money to enable us to hire a cook.”

NOT A PATRIOT.

Would you be willing to fight for* youy country if “Not me. I passed two weeks In the country last summer.”

Just a Little Game. The sighing lover led a heart, A club the villain played; The hotel clerk a diamond had. And the sexton held a spade. Hustling Hiram. ' Hayrix —Heow be your son Hiram gi'ttin’ erlong deown t’ th’ citty? Oatcake—l’urty good, I reckon. He writ us he wuz carryin’ ev’rything before him. Hayrix —Is he in bizness fer hisself? Oatcake —Naw. He’s a actin’ ez waiter in a eatin’ house. Eye to Business. “So you've been touring South America?” ~ _ _ “Yes.”""' ‘ 7? ' ——-—— “How are the revolutions down there?” •"I made a lot of money out of ’em last year.” “Indeed ?” “Yes. I operated a_.men;y-go-round.”

Can’t Keep It Dark. Bacon —I see a novel umbrella is equipped, with a storage-battery electric light in its handle. Egbert—ls a fellow purloins one of that kind how is he going to keep it dark. Teeth for an Eye. ‘ Bid —Do you believe in that saying, ‘.An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth ?” Jill —Well, I know sometimes if you give a dog an eye he’ll give ydu his teeth. Parrot’s Vocabulary. Yeast —I see a Massachusetts'man has a parrot which has a vocabulary of 75 words. ' Criinsonheak —I didn’t know there were that many swear-words in existence. Unfit to Print. Redd —I see in the extreme infancy of baseball, runs were called “aces,” pitchers “throwers,” and fielders “scouts.” Greene —But what did they call the umpire in those days? Time to Quit -Then. ; - “Do you expect to spent your whole life in the wicked pursuit of riches?” asked the ascetic person. 12 “Nq.T replied the brisk individual. “If I’m not rich by the time I reach fifty years of age, I shall consider myself an ignoble failure.” Large Family. ' x “How tong does it take you to read _your morning paper, Mr. Gadsby ?” “About nn hour.” ’. “Xou must read It rather ■closely.” “No. I wait 45 minutes to get it.*,