Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 January 1917 — GOOD JOKES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GOOD JOKES

WAS GOING HOME TO MOTHER. Mr.-Bink* —I met a woman today that J thought a , good deal of once. Mrs. Links —Oh, you did? M “Yes. f used to do iny very best to please her,” “Humph I” . “I did everything I could to win her affection.” • « “My goodness!’ “And at*Tast I flattered myself that 1 succeeded.” * “She granted all that I asked, and by so doing made me the happiest man alive.” ! , “Merciful—** “I askt d her to come up to the house with me today, but she had some shopping to do and cannot get here until supper time.” „l’Mr„Binks, I am going home to my mother." “She isn’t at home, my dear. It was your mother that I met. She gave me you.” Circumstances Alter Case*. Old Lawyer—l cannot take your case. Circumstantial evidence Is so strong against you it would be almost impossible for me to prove your innocence. Prospective Client—But, my dear sir, I am not innocent; I’m guilty. Old Lawyer—Oh, that’s another matter. I think I can clear you without any trouble. - - Playing Favorite*;— “They were diping in a swell bean- • ery. “What is your favorite game?” he asked. “Quail on toast,” lie replied. “And yours ?” “Eagles on gold pieces,” she answered. WISE YOUTH. ;;

“Why did pa call Mr. Jones a chump?” “ ’Cause he’s smaller’n pa.” Road to Wealth. Let us then be up and doing. Every salesman has his goal; Drop the rag you've been chewing— Use your voice to peddle coaL "Quite the Contrary. “Do you find health and happiness on the golf links?” “Not always. You’d be surprised to know how "many golfers I meet who have nasty tempers and diseased livers.” ' Danger in Delay. Miss Gotrox—George, dear, I’m afraid our Wedding * will have to be postponed. ’ 1 Mr. Ardupp—lmpossible, darling. I’m afraid my creditors won’t stand for it. ■ ’ ’ Nobody Hurt. Heiny-M hear you drew a gun In Blank’s saloon last night. What was the trouble? Omar —Oh, there was no trouble at all. I merely drew it at a raffle. Of Course. “Is your wife as fond of bric-a-brac as ever?" “Why, she’d say the parlor wasn’t too full of such stuff if she had to stand outside and look in the window.” What He Wanted. ’ Customer —Have you an artistic cigar? Dealer —What dp you mean? 7 Customer-One that draws well. Impertinent Query. Hazel—Charlie Freshleigh actually tried to kiss me last night. Almee—lndeed! How did it happen that he had to try? Another of Woman’s Rights. “How are Smith and his suffragette , wife getting along?” “Slpt at all. She insists on reading the sporting page before he does.” . \ Giving Due CrediL —“I presume Mr. Grabeoin, the eminent x-apitalist, poses as a self-made mam*’ “Well. ho. Mr. Grabcoin frankly admits that some Of his biggest deals could not have been put through without the aid of his lawyers.” Second Crop. Biggs—Death is a sure cure for lying. ‘ Diggs—Not always. I’ve known it to break out agtfln on a man’s tombstone. v

iWHAT HE

“No; 1 never take excursions into the realms of fancy. I deal with known quantities, and leave the unknown for the dreamers.” “Evidently yon never courted a girt. Then.” So They Do. To err may-bo human, And to sidestep divine. But woman, lovely woman. Backs oft a car each time. 1 Daughter of Mother Goose. “Where are you going, my prettymaid?” “I’m going tbEurope, sir,” she said. “And why are goinf, my prettymaid?” “To purchase a duke, sir,” she said., “Aren’t they all ahot, my pretty maid ?” # “Some are but half-shot, sir," shat said. - Has Her Hands Full. “Mrs. Dubwalte must be a busyi woman.” “No doubt.” “She belongs to several card clubs,, a music dub, a literarydub, three, charitable organizations and two uplift societies and still finds time to< make a cake occasionally fqr-thei = young Dubwaites.” 1 A Pessimistic Outlook. “What was the excitement?" “A photographer took a flashlight of an eccentric man about town while in the act of eating his dioner?’ “What was the idea?*’ “The gentleman said he wanted a; souvenir photograph of himself consuming a steak before the price~ofF steaks became prohibitive.” J— Far Above Such Matter*. “No man in public life can last long unless he knows how to feel the publie pulse.” “Depends on what you mean by public life.” “Yes?” owe their success primarily to the fact that thgy pdy no attention to what’ the public is think-, ing.” "Hi* Observation. “Do you believe that suffering and! severe trials tend to purify one’s character?” asked the fair maid. “Certainly,” replied the fussy bacheTsf7 “I’ve heafff oT a number of casein where men have been reformed by mar-, rlage.” ■ / The Difference. Automobillst (recovering after acci-< dent? Seventy-five dollars, doctor,, seems rather high. Doctor Emdee —Oh! I don’t You paid the garage people $470 t*f repair your automobile. FULL EXPLANATION. I

“Wot wuz de matter wid you an’ yen pa last night ?” - “Why, I ast ’lm how ter spell hip- 1 popotamus. air’ he thought hard for a minute an’ then got mad an’ licked me fer botherin’ ’im.” —4 Preparedness. . “I knew Gadtrptir would make—Ar good rftct? Tor sheriff ** “Got elected, didn’t he?” “Yes. Whep his friends called on him at the beginning of the campaign he took out his checkbook and asked; ’’Boys, how much will you need?’ ” ; Hopeless Case. - Physician—So you are a poet, eh? ’ Patient—Yes. My father, was a poet, as was my grandfather also. . ■ > Physician—lndeed! Then the dins ease U evidently* hereditary. ' Mg