Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 January 1917 — GOOD JOKES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GOOD JOKES

TWO REASONS FOR OMISSION. ! "■ “You are charged with not having a tail light,” said the magistrate to the motorist. “Guilty, your honor,” answered the motorist, briefly. “How much?” Butthejudgecould not resist the temptation to deli vet a short lecture. “Don’t you know,” he said, “that it is very dangerous for you to go about at night without a tail tight?” * “Certainly.” “Then I hope you won’t be guilty of such an offense again.” “So do L but it is liable to happen.” “Well, sir, why?” “Because, in the first place, I’m rather forgetful and in the second-place, 1 don’t happen to be a lightning bug.” A Cryptic Message. “Henry,” said Mrs. Gadspur, sternly, “here is a note addressed to you. I took the liberty of opening it.” “Yes, my dear.” “It merely contains the numeral 9 followed by the letters, P. G. S. O. P. Now, I want to know what is the meaning of this.” “Well, if you must know, my dear, the note merely means *9 o’clock. Poker game. Same old place.’ And, of course, I have no intention of being there.” Atmosphere of Gloom. “Let’s go into this restaurant. A sign in the window reads. ‘Tipping not permitted?” “No. Pd rather go where tipping is allowed.” “But why?” “I like to see bright and cheerful faces, even among waiters. The waiters in a tipless restaurant look as if they had nothing to live.for.” THE IDEA!

“Yes; I served In de army ter four years.” “An’ wuz yeh honorably discharged?” "Discharged? Well, I should say not “I up en quit on me own hook.” - ,? " - Just So! When a y«ng man proposes To a maiden, if she’s gams, And he has a lot of money. She will gladly change her .name. Obeying era. “The fact that you owe me SIOO doesn’t seem to trouble you in the least.” “I don’t dare to let it trouble me." “Why not?” x* ‘ “Doctor’s orders. He told me not to worry.” Doubtful Use. Little Lemuel—-Say. paw, what good are rich relations, anyway? Paw —Oh, they are all right when you want to point to something without pride. Asking Too Much. “I have just met a, man who. eon-, fessed that he hadn’t been home in ten years until quite recently.” “He ought to be ashamed of himself." - “ft wasn’t altogether his fault.” “No?” “He says his home was three days’ journey from the model prison where he was confined and the warden simply wouldn’t stand for his being out of his cell over night ” ? -

City Songs. “This writer compares a great city to a siren, singing songs that lure men - ===== «I think he exaggerates a-trifie* “For the simple reason that I can’t conceive of ragtime airs being able to lure any person of ordinary intelligence to his ruin." 1,.„. Artless Art. “It strikes me," said the qritic, “that you are inclined to discourage art.” “That’s right,” rejoined the “movie" director. "I And it pays better to give the people what’ they want.” Comparison. "A parson," remarked the Cheerful .Idiot, “is a good deal like a retired prise fighter.” “Come on with the explanation,” “They are both ex-pounders, you yfcnow," rejoined the C. I. Busy While Awake. Parker— -Naggs and his wife quarrel .two-thirds of the time, Harker—Two-thirds 1 Parker— Yes; they sleep about eight hours out of the twenty-four.

THE VERY BEASON.

“So she’s going to marry that old millionaire. Why he has one foot in the grave. What is her reason?” “That foot” So He Thinks. There never was a stuck-up man So homely, it is said, r But thinks he as a masher can Crush any woman ''dead." His Awful Blunder. Singleton—Doctor Pillman is certainly the most absent-minded man I ever met. Wederly—ls that so ? Singleton—Yes; he was married yesterday and during the ceremony when he should have placed the ring on the bride’s finger he actually felt her pulse and asked her to put out her tongue. Wederly—Poor fellow! I’ll bet that is the last time he’ll ever ask her to put out her tongue. Distance in the Country. “How far is it- to Williams* mill?” asked the motor tourist. • “’Bout a quarter,” answered the old farmer. “But I’ve been traveling at good speed for the past half hour and die last person I asked told me, it ’bout a quarter,” ' Aj “Well, stranger*, that’s right. It’s" ’bout a quarter.”

Getting His Money’s Worth. Parker —Windham seems to be enjoying the fortune hjs aunt left him, doesn't he? Harker—Enjoying it! Why, I understood he lost it all in a wheat deal a couple of months ago.* Parker—So he did; but It has supplied him with a never-failing topic for conversation ever since. A Last Resort. “It is hard for a man to remain cheerful when he sees the price of everything going up.” “Surely there are some exceptions to the geenral tendency?” . “Well, I pnderstand certain brands of pills are selling for the same old price, but 1 have to be extremely pessimistic before I’ll take a pill.” ■ Quiet Enjoyment. . “Didn’t you tell ine thdt Dubwaite was an entertaining, conversationalist?” “I did.” ‘ “Yet, he never talks about anything but himself.” “Exactly. And there is nothing I enjoy more than laughing in my sleeve.” , Up Against IL Mrs. Justwed —Tom, the cook wants another afternoon off. ’“ Justwed—Well, if she can show yojl \vhepe there are eight afternoons in a week, give It to her. v UP-TO-DATE.

“How have you managed to keep your same cook for so long?” “I learned the dishes she likes —and those are the ones we have steadily.” Ever‘Notice? A little widow, ' ___ Now and then, Can hypnotize - The smartest men. Never a Smirk. “What havg we here?’.’ ' “A “tie’s almost human, isn’t he?” “11l some respects he’s an improvement on the average actor. He seems quite oblivious of a box full of debutantes.” \••• . An After Thought. ' < “X told Mr. Tblckwiu that hls baby looked like him.” “Of course, he was pleiased.” “Immensely. He didn’t hear me add: Toor little devil,’ under my breath.”