Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 10, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 January 1917 — Page 3

BIRSKY and ZAPP

By MONTAGUE GLASS

SEEN Max Maikafer In the •■I subway this morning,” said Louis Birsky, the real estater, to Barnett Zapp, the waist manufacturer, as they met for luncheon at the comer table in Wasserbauer’s. “He tells me he is going to make from his boy a painter.” “Some people don’t give a swear what becomes of their children,” Zapp Commented. “Is it such a bad Job to be a painter?” Birsky asked. “Seemingly Max Maikafer don’t think so,” Zapp replied. “Maybe he would enjoy it to see his son break his neck from a ladder, Birsky.” “What are you talking nonsense — break his neck from a ladder?” Birsky exclaimed. “A scaffold is Just as dangerous,” Zapp went on. “Yesterday lam seeing a couple fellers painting from the side of a building ten stories high, and even though one of them was an Italiener, I got so dizzy watching ’em that before I could eat my lunch at all it cost me 10 cents for some mathematic epirits 'of ammonia. If I would got to earn my living as a painter, I would a whole lot sooner be an aviator, because while the funeral expenses is the same as for a painter, an aviator don’t linger long enough to run up a doctor’s bill on his widow.” “You got the wrong idea, Zapp,” Birsky said. “Maikafer’s boy would be not a house painter but a picture painter.” ' “A picture -painter!” Zapp cried. "And. I thought Max Maikafer was a business pian. Why don’t’he learn the boy a trade where he coflld make real big money, like a buttonhole maker or a poet?” “That only goes to show what you know from poets,” Birsky retorted. “Jake Margonln, from the Fashion Store, Indianapolis, told me that right now there is a feller which from only being a poet is now owning most of the gilt-edged real estate thb jetty of Indianapolis.” “Sure,! I know,” Zapp declared, “but this here feller was an old established poet when Hart, Shaffner & Marx and Kuh, Nathan & Fisher was new beginners already. Then again, there is a bigger opening for a poet than there Is for a picture painter. Take the canned soup business, the breakfast food business and even some railroad companies—all them concerns has got working for them poets which they already pav them a good yearly salary, whereas a picture painter must got to work piecework, and what for a wages could a pieceworker on pictures make-when with my own eyes I see it a bill from a wholesale# in Weltfisch’s art store, which Welfisph buys, 16-12 doz. assarted oil paintings in Small sizes for $38.75 a dozqa*. including shadow boxes and frames, terms ■ tea off sixty days, ninety days net. Tell me about picture painters l” . “Say, there is a popular price, line of, -pictures, and then again there Is a high grade pictures,” Birsky said. ___ *£Syen so/’ Zapp rejoined. “You ifiustrvgot t<£admit that a toneern like B. Altrpan & Go. carries a high grade line and when B. Altman died stock was good, up-to-the-minute ttuff in £very department ex-

"Give My Bookkeeper Instructions She Should Say I Just Went to Newark."

cept the picture department, and when it come to the pictures they closed ’em out to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for practically nothing.” Blrsky shrugged his shoulders. % “Say, what is the use arguing with a it ignerammus like you, Zapp,” he said. “Don’t you know that them pictures which B. Altman left to the Metropolitan Museum wasn’t taken out of stock at all? They were private pictures which fie collected?” “So he collected them?” Zapp commented. “Well, that’s the way it is with* them rich fellerk A big concern like B. Altman gets the credit for givtng them pictures to the Metropolitan Museum, y’understand, whereas the people he collected them from, nobody never hears about at.all. It’S the same way with them charitable people which Is running all them orphan asylums and homes. They bother the life out of you you should give ’em for ten or fifteen dollars to their asylums, and when you come to look

I'll » i ■! ii. i i ! ■ ' _________ 4 - It up in the annual report so that you can prove to a customer that you already paid out more than yon can aifoFd to charity* y’understand, aU you!see is: ‘Collected through Felix Qeigermann SIO2J)O,’ and the customer sticks you another ten dollars for a free soup society before he would buy from, you another dollar’s worth goods.” - * “So .that’s the idea you got when I tell you that B. Altman collected the pictures and give ’em to the Metropolitan Museum!” Birsky exclaimed. “Do you think the people which B. Altman collected them pictures from gave them to him for nothing?”!: “Why not r Zapp said. "Last week, Birsky, your wife comes round to my * wife wWle”T“am dow-ntown and says she is collecting for an immigrants’ home old clothing, y’understand, and my wife gives away on me two suits and an overcoat which I wouldn’t be ashamed to wear getting an accommodation at a bank, so becoming they looked.” “There’s collecting and collecting,” Birsky explained. “When I say B. Altman collected pictures, I mean he bought them and paid his good money for them.” “And the people which he collects

“A Picture Painter!" Zapp Cried. “And I thought Max Maikafer War a Business Man."

from makes a profit on the transaction?” Zapp asked. “Makes a profit!” Birsky said. “I should say they do.” “Then that is the first time that I hear such a thing,” Zapp cried. “Becausewhen someone tells me down at the store that there is a collector outside wants to see me, it don’t make no difference.if the collector is collecting for a bank, a hospital, the cloth sponger, a home or the landlord, I give my bookkeeper instructions she should say I Just went over to Newark.” “Well, pictures is different,” Birsky continued. “A feller which collects pictures like B. Altman sometimes pays enormous prices. Take for example Mr. Wid'ener- Selig, the Philadelphia millionaire, and. he is paying for a picture of a mill one half million dollars.” “What kind ol a mill?” Zapp asked. “What’s the difference what kind of a mill?” Birsky said. “I believe it was-a flour mill.” tj—* — “A flour mill he pays half a million for its picture ” Zapp said. “Why for a quarter of the monej* plenty people would have been glad to sell him a rolling mill, and throw In a dozen picfllWQfl !* ttuvo • “And yet you say Max Maikafer should make from his boy a buttonhole maker,” Birsky continued, “Take that picture painter which turned out the mill, y’understand, and if he gets only one order when he’s a new beginner, understand me, business could be bad with him for the rest of his lif4.” “You may be right, Birsky,” Zapp said, “but I don’t believe a picture painter gets anywheres near the retail price of his goods, because the profit to the retailer must got to be enormous, otherwise he couldn’t live at all. A retailer which handles them Mill pictures runs an awful risk, Birsky. It’s the same like he would be carrying a line of steam yachts. If he’s only got two on hahd, he’s overstocked bad already.”

“Sure I know,” Blrsky said, ‘‘but such a retailer also stocks a line of medium priced pictures too. For every Mill picture he sells, I bet yer he gets rid of a dozen Horse Shows or Angeluses.” “Of course, if the feller carries Angelus pictures as a side line, that’s something else again, Blrsky," Zapp said. “There’s big money In player pianos, Blrsky, because while in former times people wouldn’t take a piano as a gift on account of giving their children music lessons to get the use out of-Jt, nowadays they could pay a large price for a. .player piano and send their girls to business college, and still save money on it Consequently the demand for player pianos Is enormous, particularly as here Just lately they’ve got ’em working by electricity which could run for ten cents the kilowatt hour some of the heaviest things that Paderewski gets off at $5,000 a concert.” \ Birskyshruggedhls shouldersagalh. “What you understand from art, Zapp!” he exclaimed. “A Schwarzer from the Cannibal Islands which don’t even wear athaletlc underwear, knows more about fur overcoats than you do of pictures, Zapp.” IT 1 “Listen, Blrsky,” Zapp retorted, “if them millionaires which is buying these here high priced pictures knows as mueh about their art Investments as the public does about fur overcoats, you could take it from me, Blrsky, when them millionaires’ heirs comes to settle up the estate, Blrsky, they’ll find that instead of a five hundred thousand-dollar Mill, the old man i

the EVENING REPUBLICAN. RENSSELAER. IN~D.

jr got stuck with a hundred dollar sweat shop. When you come to, compare pictures with fur overcoats, Birsky, you never spoke a truer word in your life, because while it’s ah old saying and a true one that a cat comes to life nine times, Birsky, nobody but a (fur overcoat manufacturer knows whfether the cat Is going to come to life as Persian lamb, Siberian mink, Hudson Bay Seal, beaver, broad tall, nutria, ermine, skunk or sable. So if I would be a millionaire, Birsky, instead of oil painted pictures I would go to work and collect railroads and electric light plants and traction companies, because while it’s true that no millionaire ever got indicted on account of buying up a lot of competing oil paintings ~dr making agreements" wflh" ffie ‘ owners of competing oil paintings to keep up the price and limit the output, at the same time, Birsky, on a $500,000 oil parting no millionaire could float a $1,000,000 Issue of first refunding 5 per cent gold bonds of 1985, underlying $1,000,000 of first mortgage 4, per cent bonds maturing in 1976, which Is a first mortgage only on the back door of the mill, and on the rest of the mill is subject to an issue of $8,500,000 genwine, all wool, first mortgage per cent bonds maturing

January 1, 1917. Such things you could only do with a railroad, and believe me, Birsky, if you got indictments hanging over your head for the rest of your lifetime, there’s more money in collecting railroads than in collecting oil painted pictures and ctSHT you forget it.” (Copyright, Now York Tribune.)

Irishman 1 Founded British Museum.

The British museum had its origin In an Trtshmnn’s bequest. The person referred to was Sir Hans Sloane, 8 celebrated physician and naturalist, Who was born In County Down, Ireland, April 16, 1660. After receiving a thorough literary and medical education he became physician-general to the British army, physician to the king, and succeeded Sir Isaac Newton as president of the Royal society. He spent several years in the West Indies, was much interested in the development of the American colonies and was an active promoter in the settlement of Georgia. In 1749 he made a will bequeathing to the nation a splendid collection. qf books and natural history specimens which ’had, cost more than $250,000, on condition that the gbvernmeotjhky his family $200,000. After his death, in 1753, an act of parliament was passed accepting the gift and providing quarters for it This was the beginning of the great museum.

With the Other Porkers.

“Stop!” The brakes of the motor were suddenly applied, a pandemonium of whirling wheels ensued, and the motorist came face-tn face with Constable Coppem, who'had been hiding In the hedge. “Excuse me, sir,” said the portly policeman, taking out his notebook and pencil, “but you exceeded the speed limit by two miles over a measured piece of road.” , “I have done nothing of the kind," retorted the motorist; “and besides —” “Well, If you don’t believe me Til call the sergeant, bein’ as it was ’im as took the time. ’B’s in the pigsty yonder.” “Don’t trouble to do that,” was the prompt reply; “I would sooner pay 50 fines than disturb the sergeant at his meals!”—London Tit-Bits.

Really Easy.

Jones—l say. Smith, yon are a good hand at arithmetic? Smith—Yes; I am considered very good. Why? Jones—Well, here Is a little problem ftrf Tyou: There wayrannan named Little living In Dublin, who had a daughter. Now, she was in love with a chap she knew her pater did not approve of, so one day she eloped with him. When the old man found out, he was very angry, and at once followed them. Now, then, what time was it? .. .Smith (angrily)—What time was It? How on earth do you suppose I can tell you? I give it up. Jones (triumphantly)—Why, a Little after two, of course.

Battling It.

“Pahson,” said Brother Buckaloo, “me and Brudder Sankey Smith has jess been havin’ an Intellectual ’spate ’bout de pen and de swo’dr Which does you say, sah, am de mightier?” “TTgh—well, sah,” replied sage old Parson Bagster, “dey bofe has deif p’ints o’ s’perlorlty. F’rinstance, de swo’d am de best to stick Into a man and de pen am de best to stick a man Into. Harrumph I” —Kansas City Star.

NEW LIGHT ON NEUVE WELLE

Fredrick Coleman Tells Wh~t Wrong in That ■^ r ' Battle. FAIL TO FOLLOW SUCCESS . - ' * y ; " 7* J Writer Discourses in an Interesting Manner Concerning a Famous Battle and Its OutcomeStaff la at Fault. London.—ln “With Cavalry in 1915” Mr. Frederick Coleman new light on a famous fight. Over and over again has been the question, “What -went wrong at Neuve Ch»-~ pelle?” Some explanation of the difficulties encountered on that early effort at a “push” is given by Mr. Coleman, though he is careful to say “Let the writer of the future dig the story out. of the tfingled orders of the day.” Nevertheless, he was on the spot; he served Gen. de Lisle as voluuteer chauffeur, and was in close touch with the principal actors in the drama, and to some extent he raises the veil behind which—quite properly many will agree—the details of that engagement are at present hidden. “General Haig had been quite reasonably correct in his estimate of the enemy’s strength,” Mr. Coleman says. “OUr chance to break through the German line was the finest opportunity of the whole war. That with such odds in our favor, with a preponderance of guns, and shells as well, we would have so signally failed and lest 18,000 men into the bargain required some explanation. “Tbe tragedy of Neuve Chapelle was a failure to. take advantage-of an Initial success.” He outlines the dispositions of the brigades engaged and. then continues: “The initial guccess won, the whole line waited, eyes on the right, for the signal to go on. Before nine o’clock in the morning all was ready; and the road cleared. - “All day the watchers waited in ;/ vain. “It was after four o’clock in the afternoon before the word came. It was then too late. The great opportunity had been lost, and lost forever. Tracing the Fault. “The Germans bad rallied, filled farms with machine guns, and mowed down the gallant Twenty-third and Twenty-fifth brigades, who had so dearly won such splendidly advanced positions.

“The Twenty-fourth brigade had come on part way, then concentrated and was sadly cut up. That the line on the right had ‘dug In’ Instead of moving forward had resulted In a de-, feat when a great victory was within grasp. And who was to blame? “A brigade commander and the general in command of the artillery on a certain division were promptly ‘stellenbosched.’ A divisional commander was reported and sent home, and his case reopened when he declared the fault was. not his, as could be proved by certain hitherto unproduced papers from corps headquarters. A further inquiry resulted In his being reinstated. His corps commander went to England—•sent home,’ said many. Shortly afterward back he came, to the discomfiture of the* prophets, and took up his old command." r Mr. Coleman’s tidal comment is: “No battle of such magnitude could be won without fine staff work, and the work of more than one staff on that March 10, left much to be desired.” There are other disclosures of failure on the part of the British In the early days of the campaign—failures, due far more to Inexperience than to Incompetence and failures which are not likely to be repeated. Through Mr. Coleman one is able to appreciate all the myriad difficulties with which brigade, divisional and corps commanders had to contend throughout the campaign of 1915.

Transportation at Fault. There is, for example, the tragedy behind the scenes of the great Canadian fight before Tpres and the struggle for Hill 00 In April, 1915: “A run to Cassel at daybreak was a maddening experience, the road from Steenvqprde to Poperinghe being packed' and jammed with all manna’ five-ton lorry belonging to the Canadians had broken down as It was being turned In the narrow roadway. Besult, an Immovable barrier across the pave. - f "Truly an ounce of prevention In the way of road organization and route selection by some competent authority would have been worth many pounds Of condemnation poured forth with volubility by all road users in those days of tiresome traffic tangles." There were other little things that wanted organization—and have since been seen to. In the Hooge battle an* officer’s diary records a message sent to brigade. headquarters asking for “two dozen extra detonators per regiment, as the bombs here are without detonators." But Mr. Coleman’s boojjc is not atl tragedy. There is much of the light side of war In it also, and It gives a wonderfully graphic picture of some of the hardest times that ever a British army has gone through.

FAIREST OF THE FAIR

Miss Florence Fair, the prettiest girl at the allies’ ball. New York, and the fairest girl. It seems, no matter where she goes, helped to make the Russian bazaar in New York a success. The bazaar was opened with Impressive religious ceremonies. The Russian cathedral choir marched through the center of the armory headed by an acolyte bearing a tall, flaming candle, and Archbishop Evdokln and the clergy of the cathedral.

MAN MARRIES TO WIN $500

But Al Didn't Know That Otto Had Been Engaged for Some Time. St Louis.—Otto Richter Is proprietor .of the Old Homestead saloon at 504, Market -street Around the corner Al Guerdan has a hat store at 13 South Broadway. Richter buys his hats at Guerdflh’s and Guerdan eats his pretzels at Richter’s. Even then they are friends. Guerdan was nibbling at Richter’s one night recently. “Otto,” he says, “why don’t you get married?” “Ho,” scoffed Otto. “What for?” “That’s you,” said Al. “You ain’t got any sense. What for! Any man ud talk like that-ean’t get a-girl.” “Ho,” said Otto. “Bet yuh.” “Bet me,” snorted Al. “I’ll bet yuh S6OO to SIOO you can’t get married before twelve o’clock tonight.” “Ho,” says Otto, and he peeled ofT a SIOO bill. Al covered. Richter was married at 11:30 the same, night at the residence. of Marriage License Clerk C. H. Ruedi, 3733 Laclede avenue, to Miss Hilma Anderson, 3247 Missouri avenue. Justice of the Peace Joseph L. Schuler performed the ceremony. . —— It was this way: Otto didn’t tell about his heart affairs in a hat store. For three years he had been spending his Sundays off In a siege to Miss Anderson’s heart, and Al didn't know It. It was all fixed up that Otto was to leap next month. When that SSOO furniture money rolled under his gaze Otto just hunted a telephone. Miss Anderson said It would hurry her. That was eight o’clock. —— At midnight they hauled Guerdan out of bed. “Mrs. Richter,” introduced Otto. “We’re going to New York in the morning.” “Going to spend that five hundred dollars?’’ stuttered Al. “Ho,” said Otto. “More.”

DOG REFUSES TO EAT WHEN DAO IS STOLEN

| Chicago.—-Dog fanciers In the i vicinity of Fifty-first street and [ Grand boulevard are alarmed at ! the number of dogs stolen in the 1 neighborhood in the last ten 1 days. The two latest reports [ are from Frank L. Blrdsey of [ 4900 Washington Park court and i Peter Foy. 315 Bast Fifty-first [ street, game warden for the i southern portion of the state. I Jack, owned by Mr. Foy. has | taken many prizes and is a pet I of the children In the neighbor- [ hood. His sou Sox, named after i the White Sox, refuses to eat [ since the disappearance of his [ dad. The two dogs have been ! companions since Sox was horm*

County Jail Empty.

Jefferson City, Mo —There 4s not a prisoner in the Cole Jail. The last prisoner was discharged recently. According to the records of the Jail this Is the first time in 75 years that it has been without an occupant. As a rule there are from 5 to 25 prisoners in the Jail, and at this time -of year it usually Is filled.

Couldn’t Resist Ruby Lips.

Wlnnetka, Ill.—Bay Butget gazed upon the ruby lips of Miss Catherine Borre and. without previous Introduction. Implanted thereon two resounding smacks. “She whs so pretty I couldn’t help it," he told Justice Prouty. The Judge looked upon the Ups and valued the two kisses at $6.

TERRIBLE LOSSES IN CARSO BATTLE

War Correspondent Gives Thrill- v ing Description of the Fight HEROISM ON BOTH SIDES *• .X . V Surpassed AH Horrors Winter Half Been In Nine Months With Aus- \ tro-Hungarian Forces—Field Is Strewn With Dead. Zurich. —A thrilling description of the recent terrific battle on the Carso plateau from the pen of Joseph For gany. a war correspondent who viewed the gigantic struggle from the most j advanced Austro-Hungarian positions, has Just been published here. - “The eighth battlie on the Isonzo was the culmination of the - Italian campaign,” says Pogany. “1 have spent nine months on this front and witnessed the awful struggles around 1 Doberdo and -Gorlzla, hut the hell on the Carso plateau surpassed all hop* rors I had seen before. The Italian!., attacks in this latest and greatest battle were of almost incredible ferocity and the heroism displayed by both sides will live forever in history. “The new Italian offensive was welt planned and carried out with great skill and energy. On the comparatively short front of six miles Gen. Count Cadorua threw no less than 280,000 men Into battle, or 100,000 men more than he used In his September drive on a front of ten miles. Two full corps of Infantry, the Fourteenth and the Twenty-fourth, attacked on a front of only three and one-half miles, together with a corps of dismounted cavalry, while at the same time eight regiments stormed forward against Hill 144. Follows Joffre’s Methods. "In his great effort to break the Austro-Hungarian lines. General Cadorna used the methods of Joffre and Brussiloff. He prepared the storming attacks by a drum fire of bis artillery and when, after a terrible bombardment of 200 hours, the Austrian positions seemed to be pulverized, or at least badly shaken, he ordered a general attack. His infantry, with admirable dash and. courage, advanced In formations twenty lines deep under a withering fire from the heights. forts on the short front between Graco dl Merna and Novavas and Hills 144 and 208. From two sides the Italian waves rolled forward until they reached Jamiano. The Austrians soon found themselves flanked from two directions and their retreat was Impossible, as the Italians bad penetrated a full mile to their rear and threatened to cut. them off completely. “When the situation became extremely.critical for the Austrians two Tyrolean regiments launched a furious counter-attack. The Italians were caught inrthe flank.and fell In rows under the hail of Austrian shells and bullets. Nearly fifteen hundred men were cut off and had to surrender, “During the night the battle around Hills 144 and 208 and Novavas raged Incessantly. Italian re-enforcements arrived continually and when the morning came the right flank of the defenders- hung in the air and the the Italians. A counter-attack of Tyrolean regiments and Hungarian troops re-established the Anstrlan line, bnt tt was bent back three-quarters of a mile on a front of about two miles. “This was the whole result of 48 hours of the most bloody fighting of the present war. AH during the next day and the following night the I tab lans continued their storming attacks without a moment's pause. Their re-, serves seemed to be inexhaustible, but they made no further headway. “On the morning of the fourth day they gave up their efforts to break the Austro-Hungarian front. Only In the southern part of the’ Carso plateau - they attacked 12 hours longer. “In their latest attempt to reach. Trieste the Italians sacrificed at least. 100,000 men. lam positive that 60,000 of their officers and soldiers weret killed, wounded or taken prisonws in the sector between Lokvtca and HiU , 144 alone, but the losses of the Austrians were also very heavy. When the battle ceased the field was covered with dead. They are all holy, friend and foe,’ an Austrian general said to me t pointing tb heaps of corpses. us kneel pray for them.’

1,450 BRITISH PEERS KILLED IN WAR

London.—The new Issue of Debret’s Peerage for 1917 states that the roll of honor from families usually noticed in the volume now contains 1.450 who have been killed In aetlOtt or died of wounds. The list Includes one member of the royal family, 14 peers, 21 baronets 9 knights, 9 members of parliament, 290 companions, 114 sons of peers. 110 sons of baronets, and 150 sons of knights.

An Oklahoma sportsman has invented a decoy duck that swims about to, water and emits realistic quacks, >