Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 January 1917 — Page 3

BIRSKY and ZAPP

By MONTAGUE GLASS

z<T RUN across Max Paikes yesterday! afternoon,” Louis Birsky ------ real estater said one morning “He was telling me that you spent Sunday with him at his place In Sand Plains.” “He ain’t lying y to you,” Barnett Zapp the waist manufacturer admitted. “What kind of a property has he got up there?” Birsky asked. “He's got all the conveniences of a feller living in a S2O a month cold water flat, without janitor service, before steam heat was invented, except ” that he ain’t so handy to a delicatessen store. The bread run out at lunch time, Birsky, and for supper we had to eat Fig Newtons with dried her'ring and luncheon bolony, as Mrs. Paikes didn’t know the neighbors good enough to borrow a loaf from them on account of only living up there three years.”—

“But ain’t the air elegant up in Westchester County?” Birsky insisted. “Say!” Zapp exclaimed, “after a feller escapes with his life from the subw-y at 42nd Street, y’understand, and travels up to Sand Plains every night in a combination baggage and smoker along with five or six dozen ' decent, respectable, hard-working Italiener ash cart drivers, understand me, when he arrives in the country, Birsky. the air must got to be elegant, otherwise it wouldn’t be too much to expect there is waiting for him a counle of soda water tanks full of oxygen like they give it to pneumonia patients with a rating of A to C, credit high.” “What are you talking nonsense, Zapp?” Birsky said. “I bet you wasn’t <m the train half an hour. Sand Plains Is one of the most convenient suburbs to get to.”

“Sure I know,” Zapp said, “but Paikes don’t live in the suburbs, Birsky. He lives in the suburbs of the suburbs, arid be says to me on the train that from the station to his house is only twenty minutes* by trolley, but he practically never takes it as his oltermobile is waiting for him at the station practically every night, and gets him to his home in ten minutes. Well, after we got out of the trolley, Birsky, we walked another ten blocks, and ,a.t last we reached the house. go up to Sand Plains to see Paikes and the oitermo-bite-should pracfe&ally not be at the station,- Birsky, you couldn’t miss Paikes’s house. Keep to the right after you cross the tracks aud it’s the 956th white colonial house with green blinds and a For Sale sign on it.” , “Is Paikes’s house for sale?” Birsky asked. “Sure it is,” Zapp replied. “What do you think—Paikes is such a close

"Reminds Her of the Cemetery Where Her Uncle Jake's First Wife Was Buried.”

friend 1 of mine tha’t he asks me up for pleasure?” ? “For why does he want to sell?” Birsky Inquired. “He says before lunch that hist wife takes a dislike to the place on account in summer the smell of the flowers reminds her of the cemetery where her-Uncle Jake’s first wife is buried; and for that reason he would take $12,250 for the’ house. After lunch he also said that his hay fever was something terrible, up. there and he might be willing on that account to call It an even twelve thousand: After supper he says if it wouldn’t be that his father-in-law is getting pretty feeble and might go oft at any moment, corner of 89th Street and Madison Avenue, y’undetatand, her wouldn't take a penny less ttian $11,500 for the house, and just befpre I got on the train to come home he shys how much would I give for the bouse.” .

"But Balkes really and truly paid twelve thousand for the house,” Birsky declared. “Then how could he, expect to get rid of it for $11,500?” Zapp demanded, “If you Would read the Sunday papers, Birsky, you would know that the standard amdunt below-cost which they advertise country houses to sell fbr is $5,000. In fact, I often figured it out, Birsky, that as everybody Is willing to sell his 12-room house with 3 baths, sun parlor and every modem Improvement for $5,000 below cost, if such a house originally cost $25,000 and changes hands Six times; y’understand, the last owner gets it for nothing with a bonus of $5,000 thrown in. And even then h 6 is welcome to the house for all of me.” “That’s because -you don’t know what it is like to live in theTcountry, Zapp,” Birsky said. u “I think I’ve got a pretty good idee,” Zapp retorted. “It’s something like being southern salesman for a line of goods where you’ve got to make a different town each day. The distance you travel is the same, the railroad accommodations ain’t no better, but instead of getting every night a rotten dinner and a good game of plnbchTeafterwards at dollar-and-a-half day hotels, American plan, you go home and get a good dinner and no game of pinochle at all from one year’s end to the other. Yes, Birsky, It’s very unjust the way the world looks at things. For instance, once in five years Mr. Roosevelt makes a trip of about 10,000 miles, y’under-

“Along With Five or Six Dozen Decent, Respectable, Hard-Working Itallener Ash Cart Drivers."

stand, and when he comes back, y’understand, a' dozen magazines is falling over themselves that Mr. Roosevelt should accept five thousand, dollars apiece for an article telling about these here ten thousand miles he traveled ; he writes a book about it, Birsky, and gets paid at the rate of a dollar a mile, or SIO,OOO, for it; he gives a lecture about it in Carnegie hall and six people sends letters to the papdts and complains of the man in the box office because he says all right he’s a liar then, when he told them two hours after the advance sale opened that the entire house was sold out and they said he was a liar. The Explorers’ Union Local No. 1 gives a dinner to him—not the box office man but Mr. Roosevelt, and he makes an after dinner’speech ((/gPy* right. T. Roosevelt, 1916) about it realizes another $2,500 or so, and that’s the way it goes. But you take Max Paikes which in five years travels 75,000 miles to Mr. Roosevelt’s 10,000, Birsky, and what is it? Nobody /asks him to write about it; nobody wants him to talk about it, and if somebody blows him on account of it <o-a ryfrhread tongue sandwich and a package of all-tobacco cigarettes it would be big already.” “Evidently you seem to think that it’s a hardship that a feller should _live in the country,” Birsky, said. “Did you ever think what it means to a business man that he should be able to raise his own vegetables?” “Sure I did,” Zapp replied. “It means that he is going to eat principally radishes for the whole summer because that’s the only vegetable

which a business man who raises his own vegetables could really rely upon. Furthermore you think I am a greenhorn in the country, Birsky, but I already done my twenty odd thousand miles in round trip-instalments of 44 miles a day on the Long Island Railroad, and I know the whole game of living in the country right the way through, from getting stuck with the lots downwards. I used to own a house at Brunswick Beach and when I let It go to the second mortgagee a year and a half after it was built, y’understand, it had cracks in the walls on the second floor which if you’d put a couple of windows and a door In ’em could of been considered as extra masters' bedrooms.” “Steam heat will do that to a new house, Zapp,” Birsky said. ’‘Maybe you kept the place too warm.” ‘•‘Too warm!” Zapp exclaimed. “Listen, Birsky,“the heating plant of that house wasnT, designed for nothing bigger than a five dollar a year safe deposit box. With the furnace going full on, Birsky, whenever my wife opened the refrigerator door, Blr.sky, it raised the temperature of the kitchen ten degrees. The'plumbing was nothing extra neither. We had a gas heater for. the hot. water, Birj sky, which, figuring at the rate of SI.BO per thousand cubic fleet, if you took six hot baths it was the equivalent Of a suit Of clothes. For years in New York I tried to bring myself to take a cold plunge In the .morning, but I couldn’t stand the shock till I

THE EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER, IND.

seen my first month’s gtm'oUl.vjiC it Brunswick Beach, and after that aH I hid to do when I jumped into a cold -bath was to think how cubic feet I was saving, and if it was six below zero even I got a pleasant glow all over. Later on it'got to be such a' habit with me to take cold plunges, Birsky, that the second summer we was there when they had that bad water famine on Long Island, I used bottled water as long as I could get the spring water'companies to send me trial samples. For over a month there we done the week’s washing with artificial vlchy and my wife had to get rid of the wash lady because for every siphon she put in the tubs she draafc.one herself.” , “You were Tucky U was only , vlchy, Zapp,” Birsky said. “It might have been ginger ale or root beer, in which case she would of took it home to the children.” “Joke if you want to, Birsky.” Zapp retorted. “But what I am telling you now is facts from living in the country.” r—“Rats, Zapp!” Birsky said.. “You could have shortage of water in the city just so much as-ih the country.Just because yoh didn’t like Brunswick Beach ain’t nothing against it. Simon Kuhney has been living now in Brunswick Beach for six years, y’understand, and he says if he leaves his house at seven o’clock he is in his office. at eight fifteen.” .... '.i "" “Sure I know,” Zapp said, “but if a feller which leaves his home in Brunswick Beach at seven o’clock

would arrive in his office at eight fifteen only often enough, Birsky, sooner or later on his account the. conductor would got. Lo. go-from car to catasking fs there a doctor on the train.” “Well, if everybody felt the way you do about living in the country, Zapp,” Birsky said, “who would buy suburban real estate?” “Nobody,” Zapp replied. “But you admit that there’s a whole_ lof of people living in the'suburbs, Zapp,” Birsky Sald, and Zapp nodded. “Then there must be some advantage in it,” Birsky insisted. “Well?’ Zapp admitted, one thing that fellers which lives in the suburbs has got more than fellers which lives in the city.” “What’s that?” Birsky asked. “Mileage,” Zgpp concluded. - —(Copyright, New, York. Tribune,

The Child at Table.

The table is 'the ideal place for family interchange or thought,ahd the children who are old enough to come to the table should be encouraged to take part in the conversation. One good result of this is that it helps to keep the child from eating too fast. However, the children’s chatter, in many homes, is most annoying when guests are present; In one home it was made the rule that the children might take part in the conversation when guests were present, provided the children could contribute something Of interest concerning the subject under discussion.. This taught the children to listen carefully to what was being said. This, in itself, is of untold advantage to the child, for, in a home where people with bright ideas concerning all the questions, of the day, gather around the table, the general conversation is of great educational value to the child. The child cannot fail to become a good conversationalist with this early training.

The Penalty.

Senator Fall was talking In New York about the Mexican situation. ■= “This imbroglio,” he said, disgustedly, alluding to phase, “was due to absent-mindedness. Well, absent-mindedness in affairs, of state gets punished as sharply as In affairs .of love. • “I once knew an absent-minded dry goods clerk who was in love with a spirited girl. He took her hand one night and droned?: ‘“Dear, dear little hand! I wonder —I wonder’ —and then his absentmindedness got its work In, and he said: .“•‘I wonder if It will -wash?’ “The girl gave a sudden start. '“‘No, George,' she hissed, ‘it won’t wash, and I may as well tell you, tq& that it won’t cook, or sweep, or da rd" sbcks, elttwr. Good evening I**— Washington Star. •

A Shocking Affair.

Police Magistrate—" What is the prisoner charged with, officer? ... Officer—Electricity, your honor. Police Magistrate—How’s that? Officer—He stole a battery. > 1 ■ . ' ■ •»

Can Men Reform Woman’s Dress?

, Selfishness was everywhere. Greed had carried love away; Every face was marred by care— Ah! but that was yesterday. if there is one thing above all others that a sty|ish woman will not con- — . fess ls that she

ness by not rising up en masse t n protesta ti on against them, not openly. but by clever ruses. What sweetheart will feel quite satisfied with her new hooped gown if her lover remarks with a well-simulated sigh, “Of course I don’t know anything about women’s styles, but in my eyes you look a thousand times sweeter, more girlish, in the dress you have just laid aside than in this new one. If you want to make nip„happy wear the other dress -or a new -one- made on those pretty simple lines.” Nine girls out of ten

Poultry Pointers

Fowls kept in a clean henhouse are more likely to be free from'disease. A little practice will enable one to dry-pick chickens and fowls and those so picked null usually bring better prices. As the chicks, grow older and larger, be sure, that they <Jo not overcrowd their coops, for if they crowd at night they will not make the best use of their food and will not grow as they should. Grit and oyster , shell should be included in the Ration for both young and old. To neglect this would be poor economy. To finish fattening turkeys give them all the whole or cracked corn they will eat two or three times a day. Now that the poultry cannot obtain bugs and worms in the fields, the need of ’ animal food rritfst be suppliedby beef scraps, fish meal or cut, fresh ‘ bone. Spoiled grain and shrunken grain, although ~tt~can~be~bottght cheaper than good grain, is usually more expensive to feed, because it has so little food value in it. , 4 There is no advantage in keeping males in the flock of layers until the hens are mated for the breeding season next spring. In fact, they are usually a disturbing factor. It is always better to pen pullets separately Xrom hens-and- feed -them separately because the pullets usually need more food to complete their development and start them laying. Feed a variety of grain, including corn, a little wheat and some oats, if possible, and the feed will cost less in proportion to the eggs produced, for fowls cannot do well on one kind of food alone.

A Directoire Fur Set

Sets of fur and velvet are quite the thing. One very charming directoire set consists of a bonnet, .waist-length cape, and a round barrel muff of medium size. The velvet cape is circular, dropping lower at the front and back, and edged with a fiveinch band of kolinsky fur. It is shirred to shoulder depth in many encircling rows and has a little fur band collar. The poke bonnet has several encircling bands of narrow fur and a shoulder depth net veil, banded twice around the bottom with narrow fur bands. The muff is a fat little affair Covered entirely with shirred velvet. The fur band is placed about the center of the ~" ' - -

Donkeys in War

Donkeys of the small African kind have taken the place of mules for transport work in the French trenches. It is not the first time that donkeys have taken part in military operations. The Persians and Greeks made use of them in their convoys, and there is the Instance of the donkeys which carried the members of the French institute on Bonaparte’s Egyptian expedition. Whenever the column was attacked by the enemy, the soldiers formed a square and shouted “Donkeys In the center”; whereupon the academicians would seek the refuge thus proffered. Geoffroy Saint-Hilaire Is responsible for the story.

By LAURA JEAN LIBBEY

is dressing to please—the..._JU£Q i . The truth is she ctaves to look her best in the eyes of admirer, lover .and husband. No one bemoans the advent of an absurd fashion more than the women who are dismayed by them, but forced Into wearing them. When it comes down to the truth : o f_ the matter, men ate to blame for fashion’s freakish-

• will brave fashion’s eccentricity to look adorable in the eyes of the man they care for. The married man has a better grasp on. the situation. He need not, be‘so careful in choosing bis language; his arrows can strike home with surprising accuracy.' He can adroitly shame the wife who cares for his opinion into not Countenamang outlandish modes, especially In the case--where she has glided pas| the fair and forty period and has accumulated more than her share of avoirdupois. It is effective if the husband of such a wife throws up his hands in apparent horror when she shows him her new beruffled, hoop-skirted gown in exclaiming: < - “Now, Lucy, what could have pos-

FAVORITE OF FILMDOM

Lois Meredith.

Young star who has many followers among patrons of the moyie theaters.

Spending Money Relative Matter Whether It’s Buying Peanuts or a Private Car

The spending of thousands without thought is probably not sq .different from spending dimes and coppers when you get used to it. The man who makes half a million over ntgfit |n war babies probably feels much the same when he blows SIO,OOO at a 'lick as you do after you get your envelope and take home a bag of peaquts to the kids. There is a kind of glow of satisfaction in being able to sjwnd a dime. As for the loss of the money—neither you nor the millionaire will know the difference by Monday morning. It is all a relative matter, says a writer. Just the name, it must be a sensation the first time you do as the man did who tyreezed Into the Pennsylvania railroad office in New York one day -tast - summer" and ordered a private car to take him to San Francisco. Of course, the Pennsy gets similar orders every once and so often and they are not in the habit of becoming excited about them. But this was a little out of the ordinary, because nd private cars were to be had, and when the prospective traveler was so advised he seemed to feel, somewhat as commuters do when the incoming fall Mine table drops the fast summer train. In other words, he appeared to be annoyed and he showed it by ordering the railroad folk to buy him a car. They did that little thing to oblige and it cost him some s2o,ooo—but it was worth it He didn’t have to worry once between New York and the coast about getting up and giving a perfectly good, comfortable seat to a lady.. '

Wise and Otherwise

No, Alonzo, spot cash isn’t always spotless cash. ~ ' A tight man and a loose dog are equally dangerous; The older a woman grows the fewer adjectives she uses. n . Experience teaches us how to make other kinds of mistakes. Man wants but little here below, hut he never gets quite enough; Out idea of a selfish person Is one who is unable to remember a favor. Soifletimes a woman’s face overdoes. It In the matter of telling her age. It Isn’t always the people who jolly you most whoareyour best friends. No. Philander, you can't always ♦ell how much a girl wants to be kissed by the strenuous objections she puts up. . • . , A girl may call her small brother into the parlor and kiss him just to show the young man on the other end the sofa what he is missing;

sessed a fat woman—yes, I say woman —like’ you to stand for a cartent ure of that kind I cannot undfcrstand. You will appear to weigh 200 In it Couldn’t you have realized It will make y’ou seem to be years qidet than - you-really are? When we are seen walking together; people will suppose at a casual glance that I are taking my mother out for an airing. If yott want to please me wear something built upon simple ilae#.!’ Of course the. wife is thrown into, a spasm of grief and tears, but the dress has become so obnoxious to’her she hies straightway to her fashionable modiste, ordering the hoops and the bustle removed. If all the women, young and old, who" constitute swlefy.refusetb accept this freakish fashion, or that one, the makers of styles would leash their Imaginations, giving a little serious thought to the fitness of the modes they launch upon a world of suffering women. Men, and meh only, could work a reformation that would be an eye-opener to fashion creators. Men should set their feet cautiously down on the fat lady wearing skirts so tight that she has to be hoisted by main force into a street car; and wearing a behooped affair means extra cars for the company, if a dozen or more hoop-skirted women of ample girth are to be accommodated within a car’s limits, or separate -cars for mere men. Pretty young look like charming old pictures no matter what they choose to don. Yet men ipust begin to frown down absurd fashions on girls. If girls look pretty In them older women will wear them or die in the attempt. (Copyright, 19W.1

MOTHER’S COOK BOOK

On every hand are seen young man and woman failures, a disappointment to themselves and their friends, who bitterly .complain because of undernutrition during, the formative period of life; they are hampered in their ambitions by chronic ill health; anemia, incipient stages of tuberculosis and other wasting diseases. No patent medicines nor abundance of food later In life will make up for the deficiency of building material during the time of celluldr or tissue formation.— Janet Hill Soups of Various Kinds. Soup is a food that is equally good for did and young, and- a nourishing soup is especially good for growing children and should be often found in the ration prepared for them. Cream soups and-purees are more nourishing than the clear broths. The latter serve a valuable purpose when followed by a hearty meat dish, but the heavier soups are a meal of themselves if served with plenty of good bread and butter. Children should have much simpler meals than the parents and,' when possible, have their meal earlier, so that they may have plenty of sleep. —Soup meat should never be put into water to be washed, but carefully wiped with a damp cloth, as washing deprives it of its juices.

Rich Brown Stock. Almost any kind of meat and bone may be put into the stock pot and the careful housewife will not waste one clean scrap of meat or bone. Take three and a half pounds of beef, some poultry or game bones, four cloves, two bay leaves, one teaspoonful of whole peppers, two quarts of cold water, two. onions, two stalks of celery, some sweet herbs* like marjoram or thyme, and simmer slowly for four hours; strain and when cold remove the fat The bones may be again covered. with water and simmered to extract all flaVor, and thio thinner soup used to add flavor to tfther soups.

White Stock. Take three and a half pounds of veal, a chicken or a rabbit, two stalks of celery, any poultry bones, two blades of mace, one onion, two quarts of cold watercut the meat into small pieces, put them Into the pot with tin* water and just simmer for four hours; strain, and when cold remove the fat. The bones may again be covered with water and cooked for a thinner soup. A most delicious dumpling to serve with a soup or stew is prepared as follows : Take a cupful of buttermilk —if sweet no soda will be needed, if sour add only a pinch of soda —a beaten, egg, flour to make a drop batter and two teaspoonfuls of baking powder* with a half-teaspoonfuT of salt. Drop by teaspoonfuls into the boiling soup and cook, tightly covered, eight to ten 1111001%— —

School Ventilation Solved

The problem of schoolroom ventilation was solved by a California school superintendent. In bis study of the situation the superintendent found that ordinary windows are not properly placed to .take off the heavier gase* liberated by the breathing of several persons, in a room, and that ventilator* close to the floor are neeesspry. Tp.. meet this need he devised a type of schoolroom which has. been widely a doped In Santa C|ara .county. The two outer 1 Wotls are practically filled with windows, including rows even with the floor. These Iqwer ones, like the others, are hinged at the upper edga and stand open time. It is stated that the ptjpils in these rooms show marked imprpvemasl In their work.—Popular Mechanic* M *“~' A . ’.X J' isrf