Evening Republican, Volume 21, Number 1, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 January 1917 — SMILES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SMILES

FALSE ALARM.

Lady—My poor fellow, are you married? Hobo—No, ma’am; de hunted look I alius wear comes from bein’ chased from place to place by de perlice. It Would Seem So. A tombstone epitaph seems to be A case of posthumous fame, In which'a man gets what he wants After he’s out of the game. ' Courage Generators. “WomeivV remarked the scantyhaired man who had been up. against the matrimonial game for years, “are a great incentive to manly courage.” “What’s the answer?” queued his friend, who was still doing a bachelor stunt. “Well,” explained the other, “since I’ve been trotting in double harness and have had a few arguments with my wife, the phospect of a scrap with the toughest man in town seems like mere child’s play to me in comparison.” - Immune. “You stepped right in front of that hutomobile. If the driver hadn’t turned sharply you might have been killed.” “True. Very true.” “Were you trying to commit suicide?” • “No. I took out an accident insurance policy yesterday and I was just experimenting to see what sort of protection it would give me. By jinks, it worked like a charm I”

WANTED, THE EARTH

“Did you ever want the earth?” “Yes, once when J was fool. enough to let a fellow take me up in his airship.” Two and One Are Three. “Wonder why my ankles grow so thick?” Said Dick to his friend Harry. Said Harry; “ ‘Tis because, dear Dick. They have three calves to carry." Not His Fault. * “Women are peculiar.” “No doubt.” . “There is Mrs. Uilfur. She used to say she was just ‘crazy; about Browning,’ but since her worst enemy has been elected president of the BrownAug club, it even makes hsr. mad to hear the poet’s name mentioned.” Too Much for Him. . “Yes.” said the thin pa rt. “I am going to change my boarding place. Those three-course dinners are too much for my digestive apparatus.” “Three-course dinners!” echoed his One-man qudience. “If what do they’ consist?” “Napkins, ice water and. toothpicks,” was -the reply. - ■ Much in Their Favor. “You are rather too severe on the fair sex.” “Why do you think so?” asked the cynic. ■ “Because there are quite a number of pretty girls who wouldn’t marry moving-picture actors if they had a , Worryles# Wisdom. “Jollyboy is a philosophical sort ofa chap, isn’t he?” said Hyker. “In what respect?" queried Byker. “Why." replied Hyker. “he is the husband of a prominent movie actress, but his obscurity doesn't seem to worry him in the least.” What He Wanted. “Want something, sir?” the steward cried to the seasick passenger upon his berth; “Oh. Lord I” the weary vcy-ager-»replied, “the only tiling I want’s the earth.” • , .

TO AVOID TROUBLE. “There’s no particular reason why you shouldn’t take a cheerful view of life.” ’ “Yes. there is/' answered the pes- • sinfistlc person. “I complain in selfdefense.” “I don’t understand.” “IfT'abpeared happy and contented all the time reformers would accuse me of not having the interests of my fellow man at heart, so I frown and growl occasionally just to show that I belong to the progressive element. 0 Squelching ■ Dealer. “Can I sell you some antiques, sir?” ~ “What have you instock?” “I’ve got a chair George Washington sat in, a cradle Jenny Lind, was rocked in, a mirror used by Catherine the Great of Russia, and —” “Say no more. These things are comparatively modern.” “But, consider, sir—” “I want some real antiques. In fact, I am anxious to acquire the set of tools used by Noah in building the ark.”

FAMILIAR.

“Why does Hank Hayface look over the fence uneasily every time an automobile passes?” _“Why + -his old woman has a cold and when she yells: ‘Hank! 7 Hank!’ it sounds like an auto toot.” -A Man’s Wisdom. A man may wear light trousers With coat andvest of black— But as yet he Isn’t wearing clothes That button down the back. Easy. “Did that book agent succeed in inveigling you into buying a set of Shakespeare’s works?” “No.” “How did you get rid Of him so easily?” “I simply showed him the last dun I received for a set of books I bought on the installment plan two years ago.” Nautical Terms. “Y<su say his wife has a great deal of money and he’s poor?” “Yes.” ' “I don’t suppose he has smooth sailing,” “No. The neighbors say that’s the reasoti Why he’s of Leu seen in a condition described as ‘three sheets in the wind.’ ” ■ ■ hr I 'V|'= Plain Spoken. “Shall l put something else in the player-piano?” asked the obliging host. “Yes,” replied the crusty visitor. “What have you in the way of explosives*?”

It Sometimes Happens. "What’s the excitement down the street?” K - “Oh, we are just having another demonstration of the sass that appearances are deceptive and many a stout warrior has been deceived thereby.” “What do you, mean?” “A little chap with ringlets, named Clarence Egbert, is walloping the bully of the’Dloek.” —— Before and After Taking." Mrs. Wedderly—Before we were married my musfiand used to declare there was nothing too good for me. Miss Singleton—What does he sky now ? Mrs. Wedderly—Oh, now he gives me the impression that there is nothing good enough for him. Her Confession. The Parson—You should not neglect to east your bread upon the waters. - Mrs. Newed—l tried it 6'riCe. The Parson—And was- it not returned after many days ? Mrs. Newed —No; but a lot of innocent fish died from indigestion. Ob, Piffle! ‘ » made my hifsband cross this afternoon,” said Mrs. Caller. “How- was that?” asked Mrs. Homer “He was on the opposite side of the, street, and I beckoned.to him to come over,” explained the other. • One Man's Conclusion. “Watches and political candidates are much alike,’! staid the wise guy. “Oh, well.’Vwe rejoined, “we’ll be the goat. What’s the- answer Y’ “Unless they, run well,” replied the W. G„ "they aren’t njpeh good”