Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 312, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 January 1917 — BIRSKY and ZAPP [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

BIRSKY and ZAPP

By MONTAGUE GLASS

zz-T SEE where the president of the -I Airy-o Club of America has got a new plan to encovrage young fellers to learn how to fly,” said Louis Blrsky the real estater as he laid down the morning paper in Wasserbauer’s Restaurant. “What was the old plan?” Barnet Zapp the waist manufacturer asked. “Well,” Birsky replied, “I suppose he took the young feller to one side and said: ‘Usten, be a sport. You got to die some time, and a long, expensive sickness ain’t so pleasant neither. HGet it over “And BBturally thetyoung fitter wasn’t eircouraged,” Barnet; Zapp suggested. - S “Naturally,” Blrsky said. “So now the president of the Airy-o Club says: ‘Looky here, why don’t you learn it flying in an alry-oplane and after you graduate I would get you and two thousand of your classmates to fly from here to San Francisco, and who arrives first gets $20,W0?” “Aber supposing the feller don’t arrive first?” Zapp inquired. “Thefi that’s his funeral,” Birsky said. “Well then where does the encouragement come in?” Zapp commented. “Furthermore, Blrsky, this here president of the Alry-o Club of America has got it wrong. The thing to do is not to encourage young fellers to learn it flying in an airy-oplane but to Discourage ’em.” _ “Well, what he said in the first place didn’t sound so encouraging to me,” Blrsky said. “What he said was all right,” Zapp admitted, “but he didn’t lay no pipes for it. For instance, if I would be the president of the Airy-o Club of America and I wanted a young ffeller he should be an airy-onaut, y’understand, I would find out where the young feller is working and get him fired. I would then fix things so that the girl he is going to marry wouldn’t got nothing to do with him no more. H’afterwards I would use toll this as evidence why his father should throw him out of the house, and when I got

the young feller absolutely In despair, y’understand, I would lay for him at the drug store and just when he is going to buy the poison he is figuring on taking, I would say to him: ‘Listen,—since the war has stopped Germany shipping drugs to America, you couldn’t rely on poisons no more. Save your money and try something ’ certain. Learn to fly.’ ” “Aber not considering the funny side of this thing, Zapp, why Is it we ain’t got more as one airy-oplane flyer to Europe’s twenty?” Birsky asked. “It’s a question from etiquette,” Zapp replied. “Over In Europe if a young feller has got a father with a rating anywheres about D to F credit fair, tifr suchayoung fetterto work for a living is considered like eating with his knife or wearing _tan shoes with a full dress suit. So what is a feller like that to do? Cards he soon gets tired of, because you’ve got to use your head to play % cards, and in Europe up to the present war-using your head wasn’t considered becoming neither. Gollef and tennis is all right once in a while, Birsky, but if a feller is hitting a ball mlt a club day in day out, y’understand, he might just so well be hitting a nail mit a hammer and become a carpenter. The consequences was that until airy-oplanes was all such a young feller could do to get any excitement out of life was to climb mountains mlt snow on ’em or go to Africa and kill once In a while a menagerie animal like a lion or a tiger. However, Birsky, after airy-oplanes was invented, flying became more fashionable than mountain climbing and killing menagerie animals, as it was found out To be just as dangerous, but with le/s traveling expenses and more convenient to a hospital. So therefore, Zapp, for every son of a millionaire in this country which is working hard-tqvarry oh the old man’s business and give employment to thousands of operators, y’ understand, they got over in Europe a son of a millionaire who Is learning to fly In an airy-oplane and has working fqr him steady two mechanics, a surgeon and a trained nurse. “Well, you couldn’t blame such a young feller in especially if he is going out a good deal into society,” Birsky said. "The fact that a feller is- learning to fly in an airy-oplane and so to speak could never tell which moment is going to be his next, Zapp, makes him in a way very interesting to meet, especially for ladies, Zapp, which they could say h’afterwards: ‘Only yesterday he was talking to me the same like you ate now.' Al so an airy-oplane flyer has got a tropic of conversation more attractive to ladies, Zapp, which I don’t care, how good looking a young American mlllionalrq could be, y’understand, if" ha would ait down and tell a lady how he was tip till three in* the morning figuring the costs on a big shipment of enamel ware wash tubs, and how by re-ap-1 portioning the overhead, be rat the in- 1

dependent manufacturers’ price ten per cent, Zapp, is it any wonder that the daughters of our best families prefers a marriage match with a foreign noble feller? Am I right or wrong?” “Yes and no,” Zapp said, “because while your idee is a good talking point for the president of the Airy-o Club, Birsky, supposing he does promise a feller that if he becomes an airyonaut, he stands a chance to leave a rich widfler provided the wedding takes place before the accident, y’ understand, where is the Inducement? The fact of the matter is, Blrsky, that, the members of the Airy-o Club of America is starting in-from the wrong end. What them fellers should ought to do is to get after the manufacturers to make up a line of semi-safe airy-oplanes, where if ' you fly in ’em, y’understand, you will stand a show for your life somewheres between a feller working in a powder mill and a feller in a submarine —in other words, not so safe thatit wouldn’t be considered a good tropic of conversation with ladies, y’understand.” , “For my part, Zapp, I am content to stay out of airy-oplanes till they get so common that talking about flying in ’em will be so much a tropic of conversation as saying ain’t It a rotten weather we arfe having,” Birsky declared. “At the same time, Zapp, I

think that time is coming fast; on account I seen it. in the papers where over In Europe they are learning a great deal from’airy-oplanes, and that after the war is over, Zapp, they will make big Improvements »in ’em.” “The Idea of Airy-o Club of America,” Zapp said, “is that we Shouldn’t wait till war is over but we-should go right ahead experimenting on our own account mit alry-oplanes, and learn from one accident to another just what it was about the airy-oplane that klfled 'the alry-onaut. One member. of the club in particular feels quite sore that we should be willing to learn by Europe's, mistakes and not by our own, so he is offering a trophy for an animal airy-oplane competition for flying across the continent" “Whflt for, a trophy?” Blrsky asked. “He didn’t say,” Zapp replied, “but the chances ii it would be a widder in sterling silver holding in her right

hand a cancelled insurance policy and underneath the motto: ‘Kindly omit flowers.’ ” v

“And he expects' that American alry-onauts will risk their lives flying to thePaciflc coast for such a prize?” Birsky said. “I suppose the second prize is a safety razor with twelve blades and styptic pencil in leatherine case complete, and the third prize a year’s subscription to any two of the monthly magazines. ; It’s-too bad that the "North Pole was discovered before this here member of the Airy-o Club started In to offer prizes, Zapp. He might of loosened up to Admiral Peary for a cut glass olive dish or something.” “I guess the president of the Airyo Club thought the same thing as you, Birsky,” Zapp said, “because sb soon as he got the letter from the member who offered the trophy he comes right back with an offer of 920,000 for first prize, $15,000 second prize, SIO,OOO for third prize, $7,500 for fourth prize, and so “by degrees down to ‘You done noble’ for the ninth prize, ‘Fine work’ for the tenth prize and ‘What detained you?’ for the 11th, 12th and 13th prizes.” “Sure, I know,” Birsky commented, “but twenty thousand dollars ain’t to be sniffed at, neither.” “Listen, Birsky/” Zapp said. “There, is already entered in the Airy-o Club’s

contesi thirteen concerns which manufactures alry-oplanes in the United States, and, so far as I heard it, they ain’t in business for the benefit they will get from the systematic exercise of making up a weekly payroll exactly. So you cun trust them fellers to see-to it that enough young billionaires learns to fly to net the manufacturer anyhow ten per cent on his investment, and that is the secret of airy-oplane preparefulness, Blrsky. To the members of the Airy-o Club ot America an alry-onaut is only an airyonaut, but to a feller in the airy-o-plane business an airy-onaut is something more than that. He is a customer, Blrsky. So, 1 therefore, Birfisy, what the Airy-o Club of America must do is to train traveling salesmen for the manufacturers of alry-oplanes,, and in case of war, Blrsky, the air would be black with customers.” -- (Copyright, Now X«rk Tribune.)

"I Would Lay for Him at the Drug Store.”

“The Air Would Be Black With Customers."