Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 260, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 October 1916 — The Professor’s Scheme [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

The Professor’s Scheme

By H. M. EGBERT

(Copyright, 1916, by W. O. Chapman.) “Why don’t I go to work, boss? Because there ain’t no human being what will give me work. You wouldn’t believe me if I was to tell you that I m a Yale graduate, and that my folks was as white as the driven snow, would you? Say, make it a dollar and Til tell you my story. • '■ . “Thanks, boss. Well, then, my name’s Theodore Van Trump, and 1 belong to the best families of Boston. And when I fell into love with Marian Richards there wasn’t a happier man this side of the Common. The only fly tn the ointment was Jim Burley, iny rival. He wasn’t a college man like, me, but he had the rocks, and I hadn’t. “she couldn’t decide which one of us she’d take.— T-lave_yau. both.’ she said. T love you both equal. If I've got to decide I’ll die an old maid. Can’t one of you boys make me take you?* ‘“That suits me,’ says Jim. ‘Same here,’ I allowed. ‘But how are we going to do it?’ asks Jim. ‘Let’s fight for it,’ says I. ‘Right,’ answers Jim, and we set to that night. “It was a closed and locked empty room, and the key was put on the floor before the door, and the one that first grabbed it meant ‘l’ve had enough.’ A sanguinary battle it was, gentlemen. We fought thirty-seven rounds by daylight and eighteen more by candlelight. And when it was over neitiier of us would have recognized the other. But neither of us grabbed the key. *‘l guess this won’t do,’ panted Jim, as he looked at me out of the corner of his mouth from the floor. ‘Samg

here,’ I answered, out of my forehead. You see our features had become displaced. gentlemen. ‘Let’s grab the key together,’ Jim suggests. ‘That suits me,’ I answered. And so we did. “Then Jim challenged me to a duel. We went into the woods and shot at each other at ten paces, then five, then three. We drilled each other like sieves, but we couldn’t kill each other. ‘This won’t do either.’ says Jim to me as we lay side by side in the hospital ward. ‘I agree,’ says I. Make it another dollar, gentlemen? No? All right, suit yourselves, then. “Well, sir, we tried all ways, including going up in bursting balloons and eloping with Marian. Neither of us could bring it off. When Jim had Marian half way to the altar I butted in and forbade the banns. When I’d got Marian down a rope ladder, Jim was waiting below with an ax to chop the rope before T reached the ground. And al’ the time Marian would have taken either of us; didn’t care which,in fact, so long as it wasn’t anybody else. “Ji th comes to me one day. ‘I got ft,* he says. ‘Got .what?’ asks I. ‘lt.’ says Jim, displaying a vial. ‘This was given to me by Professor MacStart,’ he says, ‘and it’s going to solve our problem. Let’s go to Marian’s house and we’ll all talk it over together.’

“When we got there Marian welcomed us like kings. ‘Have you decided which of you it’s to be?’ she asks. ‘l’m sort of getting tired of waiting, and it’s only fair to tell you that there’s a third party just butted in. Not that I care for him as I do you boys, but I can’t wait for you forever.’ " ‘That’s all right.’ says Jim. ‘My friend Perfesser Mac Start has agreed to help us out of our difficulties. It’s a duel,’ he says. a “‘Not for me,’ says I. Tve fought you enough duels, Jim, and you know we’re so evenly matched that neither of us could best the other, not even in a spelling bee.’ ; . “ ‘This Is different,’ says Jim.' ‘I have here a vial. It contains two doses of stuff. Inside one of these, doses Is a single drop of Perfessor MacStart’s famous mixture for turning the skin of white people black.”

“*I never heard of such a thing,’ says Marian. ‘Who wants to turn white people black?' " ‘That’s Just the point; nobody does usually,’ says Jim. ‘However, this is a case in point. This single drop of Perfessor MacStart’s famous mixture won’t mix. It’s just a drop, floating in the center of the bottle. It can’t be seen, heard, smelled, touched, or tasted. Naw, if we divide the contents of this here vial, one of us must get the drop and one won’t. It can’t be divided. It’s an original molecoddleole.’ “Tm beginning to get you now,’ j says L ‘The winner is the one what : turns black, and he gets Miss Marian.’ “•Never!’ screamed Marian, ‘l’na going to marry the loser. No black fellows for mine.’ “ ‘The winner is the loser,’ explains Jim Burley. Tn six to eight hours the winning loser, what was white, turns completely black, for keeps. The loser is the winner. He marries Miss Marian.’ “ ‘Not before I’ve had time to see he doesn’t turn black too,’ says Marian. “ ‘He won’t,’’ says Jim, patlent-like. ‘You see, he won’t swallow the drop. Ari'A he began to uncork the vial. ‘Are you ready, Theodore?’ he asks. “‘Entirely so,’ says I. You see, I ! loved the girl well enough to be willing to turn black if I couldn’t have I her. ■ I ' “‘Then come on,’ says Jim pouring out the stuff into two glasses. How they happened to be there ought to have puzzled me at the time, but It didn’t. ‘I think I’ve divided fair,’

says Jim, ‘and you can take whichever glass you want.’ “ ‘l’ll take the one nearest you,’ 1 says I. ‘Here’s health, anyhow.’ And so we drank. other dollar, gentlemen? All right; just as you please, of course. “We went home. All that night I kept feeling myself to see if I was black, but I felt just the same. I guessed I’d won then and went to sleep peaceful. When I woke In the morning I went over to my shaving ! mirror. I was as black as the ace of i spades, gentlemen. And it wouldn’t wash off. “Well, sir, you can guess how I felt. Jim Burley had got her for sure. ! What riled me more than anything else was my having took the glass nearest him. If I’d taken the other one I’d have been white Instead of black. Now I was black instead of white. I tell you, gentlemen, it made me sick. “I thought of all the trouble I’d had, getting my face bunged up by Jim, and then drilled full of holes, and falling nine hundred feet out of a blazing balloon. Just as “if I’d been a movie actor Instead of an ordinary decent, self-respecting citizen, and it got

me sore. “I had a try at alcohol, and brandy, and turpentine, but it seemed to have settled too deep for anything to be of ‘ much use. I thought of telephoning Marian to take me anyhow, but I knew that wouldn’t go. Jim had won her in fair fight, and —well, I had to , knuckle under. “Just then I heard a ring at the •door of my apartment. I went and opened it. An ugly-looking buck nigger was standing there. “ ‘What do you want, you black loafer?’ I roared, for I wasn’t feeling very kindly toward the colored race just then. He looks at me. ‘What, you too?’ he roars. And then I saw that it was Jim.

“ ‘Come in!’ I says, frostily, but still glad at heart. But he didn’t need the invitation, but just pushed me into my room and pulled the door to after him. And he bursts into a roar of laughter. “‘I don’t see nothing funny in your remarks,’ says I. But Jim only laughs the louder. ‘Have you tried turpentine?’ he asks. “‘I have, and likewise suds and alcohol. benzine and gasoline,’ I answers, huffily. Then the laughing fit took hold of me as well. ‘Say, Jim, you do look like a peach,’ I says. ‘Do you think Miss Marian will marry you now?’

“ ‘That drop must have divided,* says Jim. ‘Well, there’s no hope for either of us now, Theodore.’ “‘I dunno,’ says I. ‘I guess it’s up to us to commit suicide, if we ain’t death-proof, but there’s one thing to do first, and that’s to bash up Perfesser MacStart.’ “ ‘l’m with you there,’ I says. ‘When do we begin? __ _ - “ ‘Right now,’ he says; and then the telephone rang. ‘Excuse me,’ says I. “ ‘l’ll go with you,’ says Jim, kind of suspicious. “It was from Marian. ‘Congratuate me boys,’ she says. ‘I guess you’re together. I’m telephoning you from Atlantic City. The Perfesser and I were married at six this morning.’ “I don’t know that I need to say any more, gentlemen. UJ’ve been searching for the perfesser ever since, but I’ve never found him. In the intervals I’ve been searching for something to take the color off. I never found that either. Jim and I at last started to work*pur way through the states to find Mac Start. He started from San Francisco and I from New York. I don’t know how far he’s got, but I’ve reached Jersey City, as you see, and I hope to make Philadelphia by the end of the year. You don’t think It’s worth another dollar to help me on my way after my telling you this? Oh, all right, suit yourselves, gentlemen.” ■_ ~ - ■ .

It Seemed to Have Settled Too Deep for Anything to Be of Much Use.