Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 254, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 October 1916 — Good Measure [ARTICLE]

Good Measure

“I can’t see why these wise fallows are fooling around with spineless cactus !’’ declared Gowse. “I don’t discern any good in and I don’t know anything wonderful about it. Spineless public men are common enough to take away the glamour of that kind o' thing and spineless cactus aren’t worth anything anyway. “Boneless cattle would be a lot more to the point. Hang it! I think the butchers and stock men are cullivat ing as much bone as possible in the meat these days. A dollar’s worth of steak makes a much neater bundle and is easier handled when it is most ly bone, and I think the cattle are bred to have the heaviest kind of bones, also.’’ “Perhaps you’re right,” answered Meeker. “But steaks have to be small so the people can get them into apartment house ovens, you know. There wouldn’t be room for a good, old-fash-ioned steak in a modern kitchen, much less on the modern range. It's the same with coal. I think they have a kind of compressed coal nowadays, too, a little of it weighs so much. “Why, when I was a boy and had to go down into the basement Saturday morning and haul coal around and pile it up in the basement there used to be the biggest mountain of coal for a ton that you ever saw! It used to take two whole Saturdays to put it away. But a ton of coal now!’’ “Well,” said Gowse, “I’ll guarantee that the coal nowadays Is no heavier than It used to be when I was a boy. The coal they used to bring us was heavy enough, as I know mighty well, for I used to hafS to carry two buckets at a time to be burned in a grate on the second floor. Science hasn’t made any very rapid strides toward the production of a coal that is any heavier than it was in those days.” “You weren't very wise. Now if that had been me I would have hunted up the smallest buckets in town to carry that coal in, and they would have had good high bottoms in them too. I was wise to all such tricks when I was a bpy." “That might have been all right for you, but I had to get done. I had a. long program for every Saturday and I had to carry up a certain amount of coal as the first part of the program. So I had to carry as much at a time as possible. I piled it up good and high in each bucket. There was nothing stingy about me. Those buckets were overflowing. Every time 1 hit the banisters or the wall on my way up some of the coal would roll out of the bucket and down the stairs, brim-brim! “A steak falling on the floor of a kitchenette in a modern apartment couldn’t make more noise- than the lumps of that old time coal made when they slopped over and rolled down several flights of stairs.’’

Badly Scared. —A young lady nnrctr~3:aßflTetrT>y a young man staying at the same house, was kissed by him one day, greatly to her indignation. “If you dare to kiss me again,’' she said, “I must tell my father.” Kiss her again the ardent lover did. Upon this she fled to her father’s room, where she happened to find him examining a gun. “Oh, papa,” she exclaimed, “do. run downstars and show Mr. Muchlove your gun. He is so interested in guns.” “Very well, dear,” was the good natured reply, and down went the unsuspecting father. At sight of the girl’s parent armed with the gun the young man'fled precipitately. His Dear Young Friends. “Ah—h’m—my dear friends,” said the statesman, who had kindly con sented at the earnest solicitation of the superintendent to address a few helpful words to the Sabbath school, “looking back over my long career I am convinced that the only way to win success is to deal honoiably with one’s fellow men, to follow the dictates of conscience, to heed the teachings of the golden rule and to walk in the straight and narrbw way. But—ah! —would any little boy or girl like to ask me a question?” “Well, say,” spoke up one of the dear young friends, “aint you kinder sorry you didn’t find it out sooner?’' Sailed on the Websterian The bank cashier disguised, was boarding the steamer with his loot when he noticed a man standing’ by the rail who looked like a detective. “Do you think that when he sees me on the seas he will sleze me?” he of his accomplice. “I apprehend you need not apprehend that he will apprehend . you," responded the other comfortingly. During a particularly nasty dust storm at one of the camps an English i ecruit ventured to seek shelter in the sacred preceincts of the cook’s domain. After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the cook: “If you put the lid on that camp kettle you would not get so much of the dust in your soup.” The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: “See here, me lad. Your business is to serve your country.” "Yes,” interrupted the recruit, “but not to eat it-"