Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 240, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 October 1916 — FINNEGAN'S PHILOSOPHY [ARTICLE]

FINNEGAN'S PHILOSOPHY

Pitiless Publicity

“1 see Mr. Hughes wud like to know fwbat’a come to ‘Pitiless Publicity.' Meaelf could tell him. ‘Where’s "Pitiless Publicity ?” ’ says Hughes. Tn the Ash Can,’ says I. Twas all right on the stump, but in Washin'ton 'tis differ. The Harp that wanst through Trenton's halls I mane Tumulty. W hin he bursts into song now he picks his chune! "Tis not that Prlsldint Wilson is less public than Candydate Wilson—he’s less pitiless. 'Tis like the showman. He tells ye all, an' more, about th' illyfant, but he has mlntal res-va-shune about.the spotted baby. “So It is wld Wilson. He’s sof'ned the hard heart iv ‘Pitiless Publicity/

‘How about the Postmasters?' axes the refawrumers. ‘We’ll niver tell ye,’ says the C'mishun. ‘For why?’ says the League. ‘T’wid embar’ss th’ Ad ministhrashun,’ says the C'mishun. And the people laughs. ‘Ye fired th’ Hid of the Cinsus,’ says Hughes. ‘Ye He.’ says Redfield. ‘He raysined wldout bein’ axed,’ says he. ‘Ye He yerself,’ says Durand. ‘Ye towld me ye’d fire me, an’ ye gev me place to a pol’tician.’ says Durand. ‘lxaeTr f what I said,’ yells Pink Whiskers. ‘I was goin’ to fire ye annyway, but I niver axed ye to raysine, ’ say a Pinky. An’ the people roars. “ Tell us about all thim Dishurvln’ Diminycrats,’ says the people. An Washln’top is swep’ be a storm iv silence. “But doan’t ye think there’s no pub Hetty at all. Teddy himself was none gunshy’ with the papers, hut he cud be quiet too.

“ ‘We’ll grab some land in Vinzu. eely,’ «aya the A .‘tem'pri ly,’ says he. ‘Ye’ll not,’ says Teddy, ‘ye’ll agree to arbitrate,’ says he, ‘or,’ he says, ’in tin days Dewey’H be there.’ says Teddy. “‘Me Ry’le Mastber will niver con sint’ says th’ other. ‘Thim’ says Ted - dy, ‘l’ll sind Dewey at w'anst. There's no use waitin’,’ Teddy says. ‘Howld ’em.’ says the Ambassydure.. ‘We. agree,’ says he, an’ divil a bit did we know’ how’ It was for a dozen year. “ ‘We’ll have Ferdy Carey alive or the Bash! Bazook dead.’ says Teddy, an' back comes Ferdy. An’ the papers says. ‘On demand Iv the State Department Ferdy Carey has been released.’ An’ that’s all. - “How Is It now? The greasers slaughters twfnty Santy —Isabel. ‘Another Mexican Crisis,’ says the headlines. Twlnty Americans killed,’ they says. The Presidlnt Calm.’ says they. ‘Ates Bacon and Eggs. Plays Goluf,’ says the headlines. An’ the paper goes on: “ ‘The Prlsldint’s appytite at break fast w’as good, th’ leader iv the nashun gettln’ outside iv grape fruit, bacon an’ eggs, hot biscuit an’ coffee. Whin Docther Qrayson announced tfce bill Iv fare the tlnshun over Mexico was much relaved.

“ ‘The Prisidint is solvin’ In privacy the fateful question, “Will me throat last?” The answer is waited wld feverish anxiety.’ “Mondah the papers says: ‘Nashunal Disaster! Sore Throat Feared! Panic at the Capital! The Prisidint Calm! •“Consternation was spread among all classes today be the report that the Prisidint awoke with a sore throat. Strong men fainted before they cud reach the nearest saloon. There Is talk Iv applntin’ a day iv prayer. It is hoped that Senor Arre-ye-on-though will claim that the dead Americans rayslsted Ixicushun. A high authbr’ty states that this wud end the crisis. The Prisidint. made but, wan reinark: “Av they’d not been there they’d not iv been kilti” ’ “Choosdah. they says, ‘Hope revives. No snre throat. Bitten by Insect President calm. All Phrases Iv Matther to be considered. “ ‘The anxiety In the Capital was relaved today be the followin’ bulletin: “ ‘ “The Prisidint has a slight perforation in the cuticle over the Inferyure maximary caused be a bltin’ him whin asleep. The patient was too proud to scratch. (Signed) Graysop.” “ ‘lt Is reported also that Glnefal Scott will go to the border to bury the dead, and apologize to the insurglnts. He will axe Carranzy, whether he wud accept a loan if offered. This Is considered the thrue solution iv the difficulty.' “Wlnsdah the Prisidint goes motorin’, Thursdah he writes a note and Gineral Scott starts for the border. Frldah the headlines says ‘Peace in Europe near. Prlsldent studyln* terms. Will he stop the war? Another note expected. Capital excited over report.’ —“But we’re comforted be bein’ towld the Prisidint will not be bethrayed into hasty ackshun. “Sundah, he’s considerin’ th’ An menyan question, an’ Mondah he advises Grandmothers about suckin’ eggs. And another crisis is past “So It goes ivry day. As I was sayin’, there’s a’plenty publicity, but ’tls not the brand Iv 1912.”

Evidently Mr. Wilson has made up his mind about something. He refers In his acceptance speech to “the sovereign authority of Mexico.” He may have decided to whom he was refer ring: — Less than two years ago he was not sure whether It was the soldierbandit Y4Ha or the grocer-grafter Carranza. It’s not to be wondered that Thomas A. Edison favors Wilson's re-election. The electrical wlxard naturally 111 cm anything that switches on and off.