Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 194, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 August 1916 — On The Piano [ARTICLE]

On The Piano

“I wish you would buy me a copy of that song we heard the other night—‘Vaceline’ or something like that it was called,’’ said Mrs. Triller tp her husband. “It is such a pretty piece and it is by the same man who wrote ‘Cellardoor.’ There are a few bars ! of ‘Vaceline’ on the back of ‘.Callardoor* and it says try this on your piano."’ •. “Well," objected Triller, “ours is a new piano and I don’t believe in making experiments on it. Come to think of it, they tried it on the piano next door and it didn’t do a bit of good—never improved the piano a bit. It is still ailing. “You are as enterprising as your father, always engaged in experiments. There isn’t a day that he doesn't write phone or call to recommend some wonderful remedy which has done him good. “Now in this case, can you mention any piano that has been cured by this ‘Vaceline’'" song? Have they any testimonials —‘Our piano suffered for years with several flat notes. We tried all kinds of piano doctors and none of them did any good. The notes became flatter and flatter and worse and worse until the neighbors were on the point of a riot. Then 1 tried 'Vaceline' on it and the piano was cured at once."

‘‘Have the perpetrators of Vaceline a testimonial like this: ‘Our piano had a painful squawk in the middle register. Nothing we did was of the least benefit until a friend told us to try ‘Vaceline.’ After one application an immediate improvement was noticed. After two weeks time the neighbors who had taken to the woods returned to their homes and within two months the piano was completely restored to health.’ Have they? “Your father always has testimonials given him with the things he tries on himself. Where are the testimonials with the things we are to try on our piano? “A perfectly well man can make himself sick taking dope for something he isn’t suffering from, and a »erfectly normal piano can be put into terrible shape having things tried on it for ailments which it hasn’t got. “What is this ‘Vaceline’ good for anyway? Flat notes, squeaks, or notei that are missing? You might send it to the neighbor next door. It can’t hurt hers. “And there’s another song I wish you would try on the piano first. If hers survives we might try it on ours. It is like this: ‘I am the battle, battle kid, boom-boom!.Down in the trenches I am hid, bang-bang! When I load my crusty gun, Then the battle is soon won, boom-bang, bim-bum, bow-wow, whang, zow-zip, whizbiz, slam-bam-bam!” “Yes," said Mrs. Triller “perhaps that one should be tried on the neighbor’s piano first.”