Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 184, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 August 1916 — Page 3

Married or Single

The Persons. Boniface, landlord of a small town fcOteL Mrs. Boniface, his wife. A bachelor of 45. Bystanders, more or less Innocent. The Place —Lobby of the hotel. The time 10:30 of an October night. Mrs. Boniface Is standing behind the counter. The bachelor of 45 leans over the counter engagingly and gnaws a cigar. The bystanders are smoking, writing letters, listening. w Mrs. B. —I tell you It’s the women that keep this country from going to ruin today. If there weren’t any women there wouldn’t be anything wrorth haring. The Baohelor—Kind of throwing bouquets at yourself, aren’t you Mrs. Boniface? Mrs. B. —No, I’m not. I’m talking about women in general. Who is it gets a town cleaned up, anyhow? Tie women. They’re the one that want good schools and clean streets and no saloons. (Boniface nods his head mournfully.) They keep at m$Q till Uiey do. Men would never do anything progressive if It wasn’t for the women. They’d jus* leave things like they are and sit and smoke their pipes and say, “Oh, well it might be worse.” Huh, I know men. (The Bachelor looks Jocularly at Boniface and winks one eye, Boniface affects not to see.) v The Bachelor (straightening up and essaying dignity)—You women have got an exaggerated idea of your own importance. Why, if it wasn’t for men you wouldn’t get anything done. Not anything at all. Who'd pay your bills? Mrs. B.—(snappily)—We’d pay 'em ourselves. Enough of us have to, anyhow. And I know some women—not me, but some —that pay their husband’s bills, too. Catch me doing that! Boniface nods his head approvingly, and beams around at the assemblage His smile says quite plainly “See what a smart wife I have. It Isn’t everybody has as smart a wife as mine. It isn’t every man that is able to attract that smart a woman.” He says nothing out loud, however. The Bachelor—Well, you can't tell me anything I don’t know about womdn, Mrs. Boniface. Mrs. B.(more sweetly)—ls that so? You must be married. The Bachelor —Who? Married? Me? I should say not. I know too much for that. No, I’m too old for that. Believe me, I play round with a lot of them, but no woman could ever marry me. Uh-uh. Mrs. Boniface’s mouth sets in a thin firm line. The Bachelor is making light of the married state and boasting of. his immunity. He is, therefore, v an enemy of all womankind and ought to be humbled as soon as possible. He ought to be married too, Mrs. B. thinks and tc a right firm woman. Mrs. B. thinks eo much that she is unable to express herself at all. The Bachelor —Well, good night all. Me for the hay. Ho, hum! G'night, Mrs. Boniface. Mrs. B. (briefly and with the smallest degree of cordiality possible in a hotel keeper’s wife who has an eye to the till) —Good night. The bachelor goes out. Mrs. B.—Huh! Thinks no woman could ever marry him —does he? The idiot! Why any woman could marry him that took a notion to! Easy as pie. Be a good thing for him, too. I wish one would. But I don’t guess one ever, will. So fat and old! Come on Harry, It’s time that we locked up. Curtain. * RIGHT AND WRONG Prof. Thomas R. Lounsbury told the following at Cambridge in a talk on English: “But precision can be carried too far. The ultra precise, even when logically right, are really wrong "An ultra precise professor went itto a hardware shop and said: "’Show me a shears, please. •"You mean a pair of shears, don’t you?” said the dealer. “'No,' said the professor, T mean what I say. I mean a shears.' "The dealer took down a box of shears. ‘“Look here, professor,’ he said. Aren’t there two blades here? And don’t two make a pair?* ‘“Well, you’ve got two legs. Poes that make you a pair of_men?' And the professor smiled at the dealer triumphantly thru his spectacles. “He was logically right, but really he was wrong.” An Adequate Reason. The moon was casting flickering shadows over a pair of lovers as they sat side by side In Battery Park. He glanced out across the water and saw the Statue of liberty in the shadowy gloom. 1 *T wonder why they have its light so small?”’ he broke in on the blissful silence.. “Perhaps," answered she in a soulful tone, as she coquettishly tried to slip from his arm, "the smaller the light the greater the liberty." Some Diplomat. That fellow Migga is a pretty smooth proposition.” - “Yea?" “Why, he’s got his wife Jollied into believing that she is the only one In tha family who knows how to ran a furaaoe.”

The Gay Deceiver

From life

The only other passenger thumbed his tobacco into a melancholy pipe bowL "What’s your line?” he asked. "Soap and Christmas candles," 1 said, and held out my oig&r for his light "Married?" “Yes. You?" “Um-m-m." And he stretched his legs drew up his elbows and looked worried. “When I was making this territory about this time last year,” he began, T met a pretty, wifely little girl, and we were married before I left town. Tarascon wasn’t on my regular trip then, but now I have to Btrike home once a month. "You see I was raised in a family of sisters —all older than J, all unmarried. I could never bring myself to tell them about Edyth. They don't know it 'yet Live in Cranford on the Vandalla. My wife thinks I haven’t any folks." * “Well?” He blushed. “There —It—we Pm going to be a father." Then be did Blush. I laughed, sympathetic. "You can’t bear not to let your sisters know?*’ 1 ventured. - - He nodded and gulped. - "Tarascon," called the brakeman "Tarascon.” I was on the hot veranda of ..the Croxton House, at Croxton, some two weeks later when I felt a modest hand on my shoulder. "Boy or girl?” were my first words with a grin. "Girl," announced the father, with pride. “Sophronia Juditl. Rose. Nam ed for my sisters.” He seated himself fished, in his pocket for his pipe, and smiled nervously. "They knew it when I got home,’* ho said. “I’d left Edyth’s letter in my room. I believe they had been suspect ing all along. Well; they never said a thing at supper, but when I went up stairs I saw a string of baby ribbon sticking out of my sample case. The girls had packed it full of things from their hope boxes. Baby things thev were. “I tried to bluff it out, but I—l couldn’t do it, and I’d told them all about it five minutes after I came downstairs. "We all took the train for Tarascon the next day. Edyth was tickled—said i he’d suspected I had sisters. She hadn’t though of course. "So I had to name the baby for them. Weighed eleven pounds too. “My, I’ve ’got to catch that 9:32 for Tarascon!” He pulled out his watch, theh turned the dial to me; sheepishly. Under the crystal was a tiny slip of narrow ribbon, baby blue. "So long,’’ he said. "Mayn’t see you again. This Is my last trip. The firm’s giving me a city job where I can be with- the family." His Wonderful English An American gentleman got acquainted with a Frenchman who was very anxious to acquire the English language. The American in order to help him, said that if he would send his exercises to him he would willingly correct them. Nothing was heard from the Frenchman for some time, but finally a letter came cauched in the following choice English: “In small time I can learn so many English from his textbook and her dictionary as I think I will to come at the America and to go on the scaffold to lecture." She Wasn't Bure. A Chicago vegetarian- engaged a German cook not long ago. His wife iked the appearance of the applicant; her references were good and the wages she demanded not exorbitant. "I’d like to have you come,’’ said the lady of the house, "but perhaps you won’t like to live with us. We are vegetarians and never have any meat in the house. Would you be satisfied with a vegetable diet’” The fraulein scratched her head. "Veil," she said, dubiously, “iss beer a vegetable?" Not 3o Easily Caught Two holiday makers in Devonshire caught a glimpse of Dartmoor Prison while strolling along. One of them thought to take a rise out of his companion. So he said: “There, look at that!" he exclaimed. "I say, old chap, where would you. he if the place had its due?" “I’d be walking alone," he replied qulekly. Why He Looked Sad. It was the week before Christmas. Photographer (taking family group) “Now, then, Mr. Houseful, the ex presslots are all right but yours. Try and look happy— remember Christmas is coming.” Mr. Houseful (despondently)—"Confound it man, that’s Just what I'm thinking about!" No Wonder. , “Is your neighbdP a man of peace " “On the contrary I have reason to think that he believes to the mailed hand.’’ “What reason is that?" ' He’s a postman."

THE EVENING RkTUBLIOAN, BENBSEULEB, INI).

Their Foolishness

“Goody, goody, goody!” said the small boy flattening his nose against the window. “Snow! Now I can get out my sled!" “Kin I go, too?” anxiously begged the small girl. “And kin I go Bkating when you go, Buddy?” “Aw, you’re only a girl, Susie," reminded the small boy unkindly. "But I’U see!" "H’m!’’ said the small boy’s father. “The kids don’t have the winters we bad when I was a boyl” "I should say the didn’t!” fervently agreed the father of the small girL “Wow!” "It’s a shame too,’’ pursued Buddy’s father, lighting another cigar. “The mild weather lessens the Joys of childhood, and all that! I remember distinctly the huge falls of snow we used to have, and how I’d trudge along the newly shoveled off sidewalk with she snowbanks towering way above my head on either side.” "Uh-huh,” interrupted Susie’s parent “Do you know what I can remember most clearly is helping shovel off these selfsame walks! ‘Oscar,’ ipy dad would say as he reached for his woolen muffler, ‘put on your high overshoes and warm clothes and come on out! There are, 397 miles of walks and paths to be cleared off!’ I believe be gave the figure as something slightly lower, but according to my recollection my estimate is nearer correct! Snow is peculiar stuff. The first shovelful seems full of feathers and the one hundredth is loaded with pig iron.’’ "Oh, it wasn’t as bad as all that!" protested Buddy’s father. “I remember playing that we were going swimming and seeing wbo-oeuld dive farthest thru the bigest snow bank. It was great.” “Oh, yes,” said Susie's papa, “I remember that distinctly. I was in the crowd on that occasion, and the snowbank in question was at the bottom of the hill from, our plfece. The incident ! s firmly implanted in my memory be cause • I got such an all fired licking when I reached home and you got another! Don’t say you’ve forgotten it! My legs were soaked to my hips, there was a plaster of snow across my shrinking chest Inside my apparel, and snow in my ears, nose and hair. My fond mother, as she disrobed me, began with feminine exclamations of surprise, which rapidly degenerated Into those of alarm and wrath, her emotions culminating as I have above stated. She said she had to do something to start my circulation and ward off pneumonia as well as teach me better, and a licking was the only thing she could think of that filled all requirements oi the bill. At 12, sho stated, I should have known better!” “Oh, well,” 'said Buddy’s father. In eome confusion. “I do remember that now! They were rather severe on us, I think —just boyish high spirits! But the joy of waking to find a world all white and sparkling ” “Oooogy, ooogy!” shuddered Susie’s papa. “Shall I ever forget, if I live to be a hundred the sensation of crawling out of bed on a morning like that? With no steam heat invented and the base burner in the sitting room below gone out in the night? Or the wholesome pleasure of smashing; the ice in the water pitcher and incidentally .racking the pitcher, when it came t> washing my face? Honest, how many times those winter mornings did you go unwashed? I’d plow thru hip high snow to school, and not know for hours after I got there whether I had any toes or hot!” “It was wholesome and healthy for us!” declared Buddy’s father. “I don’t see why you are such a kill joy! I’d Lfc glad if my son could have the pleasure of those good old fashioned winters, and it would do Susie good too, to be hardened and “ "Good heavens, what’s the trouble?’' both fathers asked in chorus as their Offspring tumbled yelling into the room. "Buddy, he—he put snow d-down my neck!” chattered Susie. "And w-w-washed my f-face In snow, he did!” > “Aw, she tumbled me in a snowbankfirst and got me all covered and ” “Go upstairs this minute!” roared Buddy’s parent. "And get on dry clothes —don’t you know any better than to give little girls pneumonia by putting snow on them? Til attend to you later!” “I’ll take Susie home at once!” said her alarmed parent. “If she should get a chill—and youll be well punished for what you did to Buddy!” The two parents stared helpless at each other. "You’d think children would have at least a scrap of sense.’’ said Buddy's father. "The idea of their acting so!" “I don’t see where they get their foolishness!” commented Susie’s papa. "We never acted that way when we were boys!” ~ Most Unfortunate. An old darky appealing to a lady for aid told her that by the Dayton flood be had lost everything he had in the world, including his wife and six children. "Why,” said the lady. “I have seen you before and "I have helped you. Were you not the colored man who told me you had lost your wife ‘and six children by the sinking of the Titanic?’’ "Yeth, ma’am,” replied the darky, “dat was me. Most unfort’nit man dal eber was. Can’t keep a fiunly nohew.”

"The Woman in the Case.”

From Life

Jack Borroughs’s dog broke from him and made a sudden dive down the first opening. The usual clear whistle made no impression. “Jim” was oft Jack quickly followed, and to his relief saw a big Irishman patting “Jim’s” head; “Jim”, with unmistakable signs of delight, jumping up and down and rubbing against the man That started the strange friendship between Jack Borroughs, lawyer, sportsman, and Dennis O’Sullivan. Dennis lived in the last house on “Grasshopper Hill.” It waß a little less ramshackle, a little more independent looking than the rest of the row that faced on a small bluff above the railroad tracks, and its garden bloomed like a rose. Dennis himself was large, burly, red faced but with the twinkling blue eyes and the genial courtesy of the true son of Erin. Later Dennis brought out to the almost palatial suburban home of Jack Burroughs rare bulbs and old fashioned flowers; Jack got Dennis to help him in making his own garden beautiful. As the war dragged its fearful way .long they, strange to say, never even mentioned it, until one day in June suddenly Jack said: “Dennis, I have written to a cousin in England to know if it’s possible for me to get a com mission in the English army.” Dennis looked up from the border he was working and demanded: “For why and I should like to know ?” “Well, Dennis, you see my greatgrandfather was an Irißh patriot, and came over here during Emmet’s rebellion; but now Ireland needs me, and I’m going.” “From what part of the ould country was your grandfather?” “Oh, from near Lough Neagh.” “Are ye maning County Antrim, Misther Burroughs?" “Sure, Dennis.” “Thin I’m yer boy, and will go with ye.’’ Jack was rather startled, but on second thought he decided to take the risk. “Dennis, will you sign the pledge I take you?” Dennis’s blue eyes twinkled, and with a comical smile he lifted his cap from his fiery head and said, “Shure, yer honour.” Both gardens bloomed gaily in the June sunshine; both men talked and worked and planned in secret foi their swift going. At last the letter came. Jack, as gay as a boy went first to Dennis. “Come out to the house tonight, Dennis and we will make oui final arrangement.” “Ye can count on me, and I will be that grateful to ye for the whole o’ me life.” With his letter held high, .Tack with “Jim” at his heels, gaily waved it to a sweet girl that he caught a glimpse of on a neighboring porch. “Can I come in, Eleanor?” he palled. The blue eyes gave him welcome. He sat on the lower step and, leaning against the post looked up at the girl “Eleanor, I am off to the war!’’ The smile froze on the sweet lips, the slender strong hands clenched but the girl’s voice was quiet as she answered: “I hardly understand, Jack ” Then he eagerly explained how his cousins in England, with the same strain of Irish blood in their veins, were fighting—nay, some dying—on the battlefields in France, and call had come to him and he must go. He stood tall and straight, his gray eyes flashing—those eyes she so loved —his head thrown back. Ah! The girl felt he would lead his men even unto death. He gave his warm, merry smile; surely she would understand. "Sit down, Jack, dear. Yes, I un derstand,’’ she smiled into these eagei eyes, but you do not understand. No wait, please—you are an American, Jack, first, last and all the time; and now soon, only too soon, your country might need all such men as you. You cannot desert your country now! You cannot, cannot. Jack, dear!” And Jack understood. How to tell Dennis, how to break the news to him; what was he td say? As later he saw the big man walking slowly up the path Dennis touched bis cap to Jgck. “Will ,ye pardon me pipe, Misther Burroughs, being that low In me. mind i kinnot spake without it?” Jack smiled. “I am a bit low meself, Dennis.” “Well, I bad best out with it iike a man, Misther Burroughs. I went to spake to me Nora,, and she said, ‘Dennis O’Sullivan, have ye lost the little bits o’ wits ye be blessed with? Not one foot do ye stir from your own country. Did ye not become an American citizen this five years back?’ AnU shure, Misther Burroughs, ’twas true the word she spake!’* And Ingenious Bing—“l understand that Shmelts Is lazy.” Biff—“Lazy! You bet! Why, when he spanks his child he lays a carpet over the kid, so that he can do two jobs at oncel” ■ . ~

A Powerful Bird

"No,’> said Mrs. Viddles, authoritatively, “the turkey is not appropriate for Christmas. The turkey 14 the Thanksgiving bird. At Christmas time the goose or young pig is the proper thing." ! ‘T would consider the matter very carefully before I invested in a goose,” observed Viddles. "Whenever I feel that I would like to Invest in a goose 1 remember the experience of poor, dear, old Mutsky two years ago. j "A goose my dear, is mostly feathers. Mrs. Mutsky reminded Mutsky of that fact when he first proposed goose for the Christmas dinner. He wouldn’t listen to her. He made up his mind to have one, and he did. He bargained with a farmer to bring it in alive as he said he would pick the feathers off it himself. "Poor, dear, old Mutsky allowed himself lots of time, but .not time enough. He told me afterward that 1 there were nine barrels of feathers on that goose. They were light and airy feathers and as soon as they were plucked they soared in the air. People in the neighborhood thought it was snowing. But there were feathers still left on the goose after old Mutsky had worked hard harvesting them for eight hours. "He finally and sent the piece de resistance into the kitchen with plenty of feathers still ungarnered. He had an awful backache. “And that wasn’t aLL When the - goose was brought onto the table there wasn’t a knife on the place that could t cratch the hide of it So Mutsky j gathered up ail the knives and took | them down into the basement, got out | his tools and proceeded to sharpen them before making another attack, j “It so happened that Mutsky had had trouble with his neighbor the day before on account of their different opinions about the war—> —" "There wasn’t any war two years ago Christmas!” snickered Mrs. Viddles. "Well-er-I allude to the Mexican ! war," explained Viddles. “As I was I saying they had a misunderstanding or two and when the neighbors happened to glance thru Mutsky’s base ment window saw him sharpening all i those knives so intently, he thought there was about to be an uprising or a massacre. Christmas day became a day of horror to that neighbor of Mutsky’s. "But altho Mutsky sharpened these knives to a razor like fitness, they made no more impression on the goose than water would have made on its back if It had been alive and welL" Hints. "The magazines are full of Christinas sfhts7 r remarked the opulent woman patient. "Yes, they are,’’ remarked the trained nurse. "But for my part I prefer to publish my own hints. My two nieces purpose to have their pictures taken and give them away for Christmas presents. It seems to me that you might as well send a person seme ot your own poetry for a present as a photograph of yourself. “So when I heard the girls threatening to give me photographs I told j them I didn’t want anything to stand i on a mantlepiece. I told them, too, J that no one who sent me things to stand on a mantel would get any ear- J rings or ornaments of any kind from . me. I said that all photos were excess baggage and that people who distributed them were vain enough without any encouragement--in the shape of gewgaws for their hair and necks. "‘The people who get jewelry from me,’ I said, ‘will be the ones who give me sensible things. I have it fixed with the jeweler on the corner and he , knows what to do as soon as I phone him. | *"I have needed a new black silk \ petticoat for a long time’ I said, ‘and they are on sale at Stillings’ now for . $3.75. I always need stockings, size 7. And next summer I will need" a couple of light weight union suits, size 6, and you can get them at Dippy’s for $1.25. He is having a sale now. And I need about six nurse’s aprons.’ "The only way you can get what you want la to let your wants be known. If you want a rocking chair say so. If you don’t say so again. There is no need of getting what you don’t want at Christmas time. “I hated to be rough, but I would get photographs for Christmas sure, if I hadn’t rebelled at the prospect It was a severe blow to the girls, they j did so want to have their pictures taken.’’ "Then why not give them photographs of themselves for your gift to them?” asked the opulent woman patient "Let your nieces get their pictures token and keep them all themselves. You coidd give them a halfdozen apiece for about $18." Professional Advice. The Lawyer—You really want a divorce? The Wife—Yes. The Lawyer—All right What about the alimony? The Lawyer—Eh! What Is this —a practical joke? Take my advice, madam, and go back home and wait pntil ■ he gets something. Fifty doUkrtr please. Wise Baby. Knlcber—Who does the baby took like? „ * Bocker —“He to neutral!’*

A Shipboard Romanes

Prom Life.

| * "Isn’t that young Griggs and Miss ' Deeriftg?” ask6d the captain, peering down from the bridge at a dark spot silhouetted against the moonlit sea. "Yes sir,” replied the second officer. »• “It’s the speediest shipboard romance I’ve ever seen in all my thirty years aboard a liner,” remarked the captain smiling. “I understand they never saw or beard of each other until they met at dinner, Tuesday. Have you talked much with them, sir? I see they sit next you at table.” “Oh, yes, that’s true. Why on the second dinner out he complained because there was no Jewelry shop aboard. She looked as happy as a iollypop and blushed.” “Wissw! Engaged within forty-eight hours. Going some! I suppose they’ll be married by the American consul befoqp they’ve been ashore an hour.” “Not a bit of doubt of it," grinned the captain. "True love at sight in this case, all right. WeH, they have my blessings. I fell in love with my Missus the same way, but we waited three mopths. I’ll go below. What’s she making?” “Nineteen, sir. Good night.” Two hours later there came a terrific explosion away down in the hold amongst the cargo. The ship trembled and listed. * “Women and children firstl No danger! Time enough for all!” shouted the officers, as the frantic passengers surged about the life boats. She was going down rapidly by her stern. There came another explosion, this from the boilers. "All women and children off bellowed the captain. “Aye, aye, sir,” answered the sec ond officer. “Married men next!” shouted the captain as the men began scrambling into the boats. A s-ore of men paused bowed and stepped back. Young Griggs tore his way through and started to clamber into the boat. "Damn you, for a coward!” cursed the second officer, dragging him back. Young Griggs yanked away and again clutched at the boat. This time the second officer struck him square lu the face and he went down. The boat load of married men was merely cut away, so low was the snip in the water. Then came a lurch, and the waves closed over the great ship. The next evening the Associated Press sent out, from its St. Louis office, this paragraph. “Among those lost was H. G. Griggs, junior partner of the Wells & Griggs Steel Co; He leaves a wife and infant son in this city. It is feared Mrs. Griggs will not recover from tne shock.” Did You Hear About This? You’ve heard of Mary and her iamb While walking out one day They came to where With patient care Maud Muller raked the hay. The lamb began to gobble hay; Maud called the critter names. A battle keen Then raged between These two historic dames. The judge came up and tried to stop Their vehement dispute. His chance was slim; Both turned on him Ana said he was a brute. The Party to Which he Belonged A young woman helping to poll a rural district to ascertain the political standing of the population stopped at a big house where a cross appearing woman answered her ring. “Does Mr. Smith live here?" she asked. “He does,” was the answer. "Could you” asked the girl tinaidly "tell me what party he belongs to?" "I can” answered the woman. “Take a good look at me,” Bhe went on with her hands on her hips, “for 1 m the party he belongs to and the only one, see.” .. * .4 No Trouble at All. The Urbanite (visiting the suburbanite) —”A mile and a half to the station! Great Caesar! How can you make a train after a heavy snowttorm?” The Suburbanite (smilingly)— Easily my boy; the train is sore to be an hour late!"—Puck. Hard to Get. "I hear you've got a government Job now,” one man Bald to another. “That’s so,” answered the other. The first man gave an envious sigh and asked: “Is it hard work?" "Not after you get It,” was the plyHelping the Horse At the railway station a nice old lady left the train and got Into a cab. The cabman said, "Gimme your bag, lady, 11l put it on top of the cab.” "No, indeed answered the dear old lay*, “that poor boss has enough to pull. I’ll Jist hoi’ it on my tap.” j) Modesty Explained Foreigner—" Many of you Americans have distinguished ancestors, yet you never mention them. Why is that? ’ American— "lt's this way : While we are poor, we are ashamed tc boast, end when we get rich we don’t need ancestor*." ■ -y • |