Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 179, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 July 1916 — Hot Water Cure [ARTICLE]

Hot Water Cure

“There Is nothing like a hot water bottle on a cold winter night!” observed Mrs. Crabbley. “It warms up the sheets so quickly! I’m sure I would be cold all night if It weren’t for the hot water bottle.” “It Is awful good for babies too, a hot water bottle Is,” seconded Mrs. Nippkins. “It cures the colic in no time, and helps my rheumatism.” “Well,” said Crabbley, adding a masculine tone to the conversation, “the hot water bag is all right when it lb hot. It will heat up the bed all right if you can endure the scorching of your toes to that end. But when a hot water bag is cold it is the coldest thing on earth. I would as soon have a toad in the bed with me as one of those things when it gets cold “A fellow jerks his feet up pretty lively when the water bag Is hot, and he jerks them still more quickly when it’s cold. It is certainly clammy. And kicking it out of bed onto the floor requires a great deal of science and perseverance.

“Filling a hot water bag is a very difficult performance, that is, to do the job neatly and without scorching yourself. You are supposed to grab the water bag by the ear aggressively to make It behave when you are pouring hot water into it.” “That reminds me” broke in Nippkins “that one of the most stubborn cases of something or other, I forgot what, was once cured by the hot water bag. In the case I speak of it effected an instantaneous and permanent restoration. “Wallower had the worst seige of whatever it was that was ever known. It was an aggravated case. The doctors all gave him up. In fact, everybody gave him up except his wife. She continued giving him hot water bag treatments. He would start groaning in the night and she would get up and spatter hot water around and apply the hot water bag. “He was flat on his back and couldn’t move a muscle, and the doctors said there was no hope. At last his wife wore herself out and they hired a male nurse. This male nurse cured Wallower. “One night Wallower was suffering terribly. He called for the hot water bottle, and said he wanted it hotter than ever. He wanted it boiling. The male nurse arrived at last, bringing the water bag forcibly by the ear. Just as the nurse was on the point of applying it to Wallower’s back the darned ear pulled out and the bag bursted and squirted boiling water all over the patient. “That cured Wallower. If it hadn’t been for the interference of the othei parties Wall would have killed that attendant. As it was he rolled him across the floor several times, and, if I remember right they fought up and flown the stairs a couple of times. “Hot water restores the strength awful quick when you get It suddenly and unexpectedly like that.”

Silenced. Judge Monroe of Louisville, Ky., vouches for the following legal anecdote illustrating the manner In which a browbeaten witness will sometimes retaliate upon an overzealous lawyer. The witness in question was a farmer, and he was in court complaining that a certain neighbor had stolen gome of his ducks. “Do you know that these -are yo*r ducks?” asked the lawyer in a severe manner. "Oh, yes, I should know them anywhere,” was the confident answer, and the farmer proceeded to give in detail the various points and marks by which the birds might be identified. “But these birds are no different from any other ducks," objected the lawyer. "I have a good many in my yard at home Just like them. What have you to say to that sir?" The farmer uncrossed his legs, crossed tfiem again, expectorated, Shifted his quid and remarked with an inimitable Long Island drawl: “That’s not unlikely. These are not the only ducks I have had stolen In the last few weeks.” Amid a roar of laughter the smart lawyer sat down.

The One He Liked. A young man was Bitting In a bar ber’s shop looking at a magazine when an old farmer, with little knowledge or appreciation of literary people, Btepped up behind his chair and looked over his shoulder, “Who’s them?” he inquired, pointing to a group of portraits. "Well known authors and playwrights,” was the reply. “Humph!” ejaculated the farmer, contemptuously. “Jlst wrltin’ fellers, eh?" Then he caught sight of an author with a long solemn face, and his eyes sparkled. "That’s the one I like," he said, with decision, putting his fin ger on the writer’s mournful countenance. “Oh, yes; nearly everyone likes him," agreed the young man. "His huwritings are ” » “Don’t know nothin’ 'bout his wrltin’ but I like his face.” “Why so?" “’Cause he’s the only feller that looks sorry for what he’d done.” Uncle Blmon Bounced Him. "I told Uncle Simon that he was getting too old and feeble to attend to business.” “Did he Take it kindly.", “He threw me out of his office."