Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 66, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 March 1916 — Page 2
CAP and BELLS
COULD NOT CONVINCE JUDGE
Policeman Going 20 Miles One Way, and Auto 20 the Other Didn’t Make 40 Miles Per Hour. ■ -■* “This man was driving his car in the suburbs 40 miles an hour, your honor,” said the motorcycle policeman. “What have you to say for yourself T” asked the judge sternly. “Your honor, I was traveling 20 miles an hour in one direction when this policeman passed me on his motorcycle going 20 miles an hour in the opposite direction. That’s why it seemed to him I was going 40 miles an hour.” "Ten dollars fine," said the judge.
Spiteful Spirit.
“You hear people clamoring for their rights attthe time,” answered the philosopher. “Quite so," answered the student of human nature, “but they don’t seem to derive much satisfaction from the situation unless the restoration of their rights involves great sacrifices on the part of the favored few."
Too Abstruse.
“Have you made any effort to ascertain the principles of economics on which your theories of government are based?” inquired the man with prominent spectacles. —“No,” replied Senator Sorghum. “How to land votes is easier found out and, so far as I can see, more important just now."
Laughter and Medicine.
“A good hearty laugh is better than medicine,” remarked the cheery citizen. “Yes,” replied the fearfully calculating person. ~“BuEa druggist won’t charge you near as much for a little medicine as it is liable to cost to see a genuinely funny show.”
Oratorical Introspection.
“Have you made any notes of the speech you intend to deliver?” “No,” replied Senator Sorghum. "I am going to speak extemporaneously. When I prepare a speech in> advance I’m liable to read it over a few times and then, being something of a critic of speeches, I lose my nerve.”
Gone, But Not Forgotten.
Rankin—What did you ever do with the SIO,OOO you got from the railroad company when an engine ran into your automobile? ’ ______ Phyle—l invested It in mining stock. “Was it a good buy?” “Good-by is right.”
GOSSIP.
"So that prima donna married the manager?*' “Yes. She wasn’t satisfied with a t»aUry She Wnts alimony, too.”
Not Consistent.
"Dubwaite ia a plain-spoken man.” “Says just what he thinks, eh?” “Exactly. He declares that if there fa anything he hates it’s sham.” “Good!” “But I happen to know that Dubwaite wears a toupee."
Perfect Cinch.
“Yep, I got a job cooking for a lady." “Gal, you don’t know nothing about cooking." “Don’t have to know nothifig. She’s a bride and I’m her first cook.”
That Discussion Got No Further.
"It says here in the paper that women are rapidly taking the places of men.” “That reminds me," said he quietly. "Have you fixed the furnace /or the night, my dearF’
OLD GENT WOULDN’T ARGUE
Persistent Person Wagers He Didn’t Have Patience Enough to Listen to Hypothetical Question. “Don’t argue with me, si.r,” said the irascf b) e old gen tieman. “I’m not trying to argue with you," said the persistent person. “I’m merely trying to tell you that — “There you go again! I refuse to hear any “Thanks.” “Umph! What are you thanking me for?” “I just made a bet that you wouldn’t have patience enough to hear nle state a hypothetical question and I’ve won.”
A Metaphor.
“I detest the phrase, ‘a bunch of men’,” said the purist. “Still, I should think a ‘bunch of girls’ permissible,” replied the chivalrous old gentleman. —“Nonsense!” “Provided, of course, that they are the rosebud variety.”
Inevitable Apprehension.
“Surely you did not raise your boy to be a soldier,” said one woman. “No," replied the other. “I’d feel terribly worried about him if his country called him and he enlisted; and then again mebb« I’d feel still more worried about him if he didn’t."
Times Have Changed.
“The cave-dweller would seize a woman by the hair and drag her to his home,” commented the best man at the wedding. “Yes,” replied Miss Cayenne. “In those days hair was more natural and furnished a reliable grip.”
THE WAY.
Charlie —When I had money she used to think that nothing was too good for me. George—And how? Charlie—Now she thinks she’s too good for me.
One on the Parson.
New Minister—They tell me, deacon, that you do not believe men are sufficiently punished here on earth for their misdeeds? Deacon Jones —Well, parson, that was my belief before I heard you preach. •«-
Too Cheap for Her.
His Wife—The wdman next door got a new gown yesterday. Her Husband—And I suppose you won’t be satisfied until you get one just like it? His Wife—Don’t you believe it. Her’s only cost $35.
Inspiration.
“Now, son, take this message quickly, will you?” "Sure, boss,” piped the messenger boy. “Just imagine you are a dauntless hero on the villain’s trail.”
Fully Qualified.
Captain Singleton (to naval applicant) —Did you ever serve on a man-of-war ? Henry Peck (who had married a widow) —N-no; but I was second mate of a w’oman-of-war.
The Result.
“Dear me, girls! What on earth is that peculiar sweetish smell in the air all over the house?” “Why, Geraldine is burning her old love letters in the furnace."
The Application.
“Did you hear how the baseball umpire used the old proverb?” “No; what did he say?” “That you can’t touch pitchers wltnout being reviled.”
The Reason.
“Automobiling is not an uplifting sport.” “What makes you say that?” “IL seems to be one of those cases in which so many men go under.”
The Result.
Artist —Mr. Jibbs, I would like in painting this portrait to study your wife’s face in repose. Patron—Then you’ll never get a speaking likeness.
Suspicion.
"Father," said the small boy, “what is political economy?” "To be perfectly candid, my son, I can’t tell you. Sometimes I think there isn't any such thing.”
His Feat.
"I went old mother nature one better today." “How did you do that?” "I took the cold tea and filled v vacuum bottle."
THE EVENING REPUBLICAN, RENSSELAER, IND. ■... . ' , , . .
BRONCO BILL
By JANE OSBORN.
Old Peter Heppleton, the owner and editor-in-chief of the Morning Standard," was fti one .of aft' rainy -day moods. The events of the day only made him moodier. In the first place, when he arrived at noon he was greeted in his own office by Miss West, the society editor, who wore a troubled expression. He answered her good morning with something lhat sounded very much like a bear's growl. "What right have you to look grouchy?” Ite asked. “You’re young and healthy and all you have to do is to draw your salary. You don’t have to take any risks. Yot don’t have to worry, you don’t have the gout or rheumatism. What’s the matter now?” “Only that I have to have a new assistant.” “~ Another bear growl. “What did you 40 with the last one? Wasn’t she good enough for you? See here, young lady, I can’t spend all my time getting you assistants. Is it my fault they quit?” . “She got married —that’s what they all do. And it puts me in an awful fix. There are two charity balls to ‘cover’ tonight, a coming-out party every day next week and three ‘the dansants,’ besides fi.ll sorts of smaller sifairs. What I wanted to ask you, Mr. Heppleton, if whether you think it would be a good idea for me to hare a young man. You see, the girls are not reliable. They are so likely to get married —” * “No reason why they should,” Mr. Heppleton growled. “You don’t get married, do you?” And then, more gruffly still: “And you are a pesky lot prettier than any of the assistants. You don’t get married—you stick to your job. What’s the matter with the girls nowadays? Don’t they appreciate a good job? Haven’t they any brains at all?” “May I have a man reporter?’’ Margaret persisted. “I know other society editors always have girls, but a man you can be severe with, you can ask him to work late every Right in the week and you can boss him around without having to be afraid of offending him. And when a man gets married he just has to work all the harder.” -- “Good idea! Now get out and let me alone. I’ll send to the city desk right away and have a cub sent to you at once.” “Please be sure that the cub has evening clothes,” said Margaret, leaving. Old Heppleton was still growling when Bronco Bill strode leisurely and with perfect assurance into the office. But the uncle did not at first recoghlze~”inhe'~talT, lanky.broad-shoul-dered figure, still clad in the soft shirt and post hat of the Texas rancher, his nephew, William Heppleton. “Good mornin’, Uncle Pete,” quoth the nephew, seating himself unbidden astride the only vacant chair in the room. “I dare say you are some surprised to see me.” He put out a large tanned hand and vigorously shook the hand that the uncle extended rather gingerly.
“Well, I’m here for a job. That’s about the size of it. Oh, yes, ranchin’s all right but lUgets lonesome, durned lonesome. So I just hired a rancher and his wife —it isn’t half bad when a fellow’s got a wife and a brood o’ young I came East. Now I’m countin’ on gettin’ into this newspaper game. What sort of a Job have you got to offer me?” “There isn’t a blessed thing,” replied the uncle. He rather liked the young man’s breezy manner and would have helped him if he could have done sb to his own advantage. “No, there isn’t a thing, though there may be later.’’ ‘Then I suppose I’d better be goin , replied the nephew. “No, thanks, I m not strapped by a long shot. Good morning!” And he held his hand out again. But the uncle did not shake it. The telephone bell at the sjde of his desk had been jingling, and instead he took oft the receiver. “Yes, yes,” he growled. “I know. I haven’t forgotten. I’ll try to get you a man. This afternoon sure. I am not sure the city clerk can spare one, but I’ll tell the city editol when he comes in to dig up a green one that you can break in.” And then he banged the receiver down. His nephew had taken his seat again.
“Well?” he queried. “There’s one of your men wantin’ someone. What’s the matter with me? Pm green enough, ain’t I?” The uncle knit his brow for about aminute. “Yes, you’re green enough and then some,” he said, and for a moment his grumpiness whs lost in the suggestion of a smile. "Report to room 455 and tell the party I sent you —that you’re the man. And as soon as you get a chance go and get dolled out the 'way they tell you to. That cowboy make-up won’t do, you know." It was half an hour later and Bronco Bill was sitting at Margaret West’s side, and Margaret West was laughing. “Well, why don’t I do? Ain’t I green enough? —Ain't I eager enough? Haven’t I showed you I could write the typewriter? Didn’t Hearn how before I came East —when I was takin’ that correspondence course in journalism? See here, young lady, I never had a girl beat me at anything, and I don’t kind o’ like havin’ you sit there and laugh at me as if I was some sort o’ new and strange animal that they had just annexed to a zoological park. The boss of this paper has appointed me to the job, and so far as I can see
all you’ve got to do is to give me a line on what’s to be done and then stand back and watch me do it. Yon said you wanted a man, didn’t you? Well, I'm a life-size man, ain’t I?” “Please, Mr. Heppleton, it isn’t that I don’t think you can do it. lam not laughing at y oa - I’m just laughing because I don’t see why you ever left the ranch to go into this stupid newspaper work. Why, if I ever got ott in this wonderful ranch country with all the air and sunshine there isn’t a newspaper job in the world that would tempt me.” “You’re right there. The sunshine and the sky are all you say they are, but you’d get lonesome same as I did. You’d quit if you were out there all alone. Well, I’m going right over to get the clothes I need. Write it out so the man in the store will; know what to hand me. The boss will foot the bill, so don’t get nervous about how much it will cost." It was a week later and Bronco Bill was on the Job when Margaret arrived at 11 in the morning. In fact, he had been there since an early morning hour. Ranch life had accustomed him to early rising, and the late hours in the newspaper routine had, not changed bis habits. “Now, don’t be offended because I’ve got my stiff collar off, girl,” he said, pointing to the multi-colored handkerchief that he had loosely tied around his collar band. “I’ll keep the boiled razor-edge one on when I’m coverin’ things. And right here in our office it doesn’t matter.” “But suppose some society woman comes in with a dinner' list or something? Suppose Mrs. Vandevere —” The telephone rang and the assistant answered.
"Yes,” he shouted. “What do you want. Go on, fire ahead. I’ve got the pencil handy. Say, spell the name, lady. Not so fast—l ain’t no dictaphone—” Margaret snatched the receiver from the hand of her assistant. “Oh, yes, Mrs. Vandervere,” she cooed. “Wes, this is the society editor,” Margaret scowled meaningly at the assistant over the phone and then, putting her hand over the mouthpiece, said: “This is the way you ought to answer: “Yes, Mrs. Vandevere. Your dinner guests for tonight will be —yes, thank you. I am sure it was very kind of you, Mrs. Vandevere, to let me have the names, and please don’t be -cross with the office boy who took up the phone. He is very green and he was just trying to help.” “Call me an office boy again,” shouted Bronco Bill, jumping to his feet. “Say, look here, girl. I like you. I’m darned fond of you and just for your sake I got into those swallowtails and that durned waiter’s outfit and I’ve been hanging around at Irish wakes and Dutch picnics and bal masques, every jilghtfor & week,and every afternoon I’ve been walchin’ a lot of palefaced tenderfooters waltzin’ around till I was so mad I wanted to shoot the town up. Gosh, why them fellers don’t get out and work in the daytime is more than I can see. And I’ve just had enough of it. I’ve got to the last barbecue. I kinder wanted to help you out ’cause I thought you were tryin’ to handle a job that was a little too much for you, but you turn round and call me an office boy and you and I part company. Either I stay here as the boss of the ranch and you be the assistant and do it my way, or I’ll quit. I’m no greenhorn.” Suddenly Bronco Bill stopped very still. For the girl at his side was doing what he had never seen another woman do in all his life —weeping like a child.
“Bill,” she sobbed, “I like you, too. Honest I do, and I’m grateful to you for all you have done and I know you have Wried your best, but society is no place for you. You’re a regular man and ought to have a regular man’s job.” Bill, instinctively, but timidly, put his arm around the gin’s shaking shoulders. I’m sorry I vexed you, girl,” he said. “But you kind o’ hurt my feelings. Ever since I heard you say that about the sky and the air the first day I saw you I knew that you were the girl that could make livin’ on a ranch heaven. I’m wonderin’ whether you would care to marry a rough guy like me and be a rancher?” “Really,” was Margaret’s way of consenting, “do you know I’ve always been waiting for a regular man like you.” (Copyright, 1916,, by the McClure Newspaper Syndicate.)
Life All Competition.
Life is one long competition, and the quicker we realize it the sooner we will fit ourselves for the struggles. There is no position for which there is not more than one aspirant. If the place we want were not desirable we would not want IL And we should know that if it seems desirable in our eyes it certainly must seem so in other eyes. . ■ So it must go to the nest man —the survival of the fittest has been the rule for many centuries, the best equipped comes out on top, while the others drop back one by one, according to their comparative degrees of efficiency.
Hopeless Case.
Smith—l hear Green was sent to the lunatic asylum last week. Is it true? Jones —Yes! poor fellow; he’s as crazy as a bedbug. Had a mania for AYchanging umbrellas every chance he got Smith—Pshaw! Almost, any man will do that if he has half a chance. Jones —Yes, bu>t poor Green always left a better one than he took.
HANDICRAFT FOR BOYS AND GIRLS
By A. NEELY HALL and DOROTHY PERKINS
A GARDEN WHEELBARROW. The home-made wheelbarrow tn Fig--1 is similar to one I have used for several years in my own garden, and is so simple In construction that any boy can make one like it. Fig. 2 shows the complete framework. Handle-bars A are pieces of 2x2 4 feet 4 inches long (Fig. 5). Whittle the handle ends round for a distance of 10 or 12 Inches. The handlebars are connected by the 2x4 crosspieces B and C, with B placed 10 Inches from the wheel ends, and C about 21 Inches from the handle ends. You will see by Fig. 5 that the wheel ends of the bars are placed 6 inches apart, and the handle ends 2 feet apart. You will also notice that cross-
pieces B and C are placed at right angles to a center line drawn through points half way between the ends. This is very important Nail the crosspieces In place; then saw off their ends even with the handle-bars. As holes must be bored through the crosspiece C for the wheelbarrow legs (Fig. 6), provide a space for the holes when nailing C to bars A. If you can get a 10 or 11-inch iron sheave, or pulley wheel, at your hardware store, it will make a splendid barrow wheel. A 10-inch carriage bolt, fl ve-eigh th s inch in diameter, and a couple of iron washers, will be needed for mounting the wheel. The- space between the wheel ends of the handle-bars is much wider than necessary for the wheel, and must be taken care of by spiking a block (F, Figs. 4 and 5) to each bar. This pair
of blocks should be of the proper shape and size so their inside faces will be parallel and about 2% inches apart. Bore a hole through the bars and blocks for the carriage bolt axle, being careful to get the holes exactly opposite so the wheel will run straight and true when mounted. The Wheelbarrow legs are pieces of broom handle 1S inches long. Bore an inch hole through crosspiece C near each end (Fig. 6). for each leg to fit in, and then, to make a deeper socket, cut the pair of blocks D( Fig. 6), bore the same size hole through each, and nail to crosspiece C. Figs. 7 and 8 show how to brace the legs with wire. These wires must be as taut as possible, and the way to make them taut is by doubling the wire, slipping a nail between the strands, and turning
this nail until the wire is tightly twisted from end to end (Fig. A grocery box may be used for the barrow box (Fig. 10). Remove one end, and then to hold the -bottom boards together nail a batten across the under side (H, Fig. 10). Nail another batten of corresponding thickness across the bottom at the other end (I). Fasten together the ends of the side boards by the two pairs of strips J. Place them one inch apart to provide for a removable end (K. Fig, 10). ~ - Increase the depth of the box at its front by the addition of a board (I* Fig. 10). Fasten this in place with a pair of battens (M). Then cut the triangular side pieces N of the shape shown, and nail them in place. When the box has been completed. Bail it to the barrow frame.
(Copyright, tor A. Jioolr HaU4
SPATTERWORK PICTURES* Spatterwork provides a simple means for making outline pictures of leaves and flowers. Before I tell you how to make the scrapbook, let us see how the spatterwork is done. There is not very much to learn and the work Is easy. Besides paper upon which to make the pictures, which may be in sheet form or in thewform of a blank note-bookj
drawing ink, a pen-knife, and an old tooth-brush. Place a leaf of which you wish to make a spatterwork picture flat upon a piece of paper. If its edges curl it must be pressed out by having a weight placed upon it, and it is best of course to do the pressing between sheets of paper other than those on which you are going to make spatterwork pictures, as the pressing will
probably stain the paper. With the leaf in position upon the sheet of paper, dip the brush into the ink, and draw the blade of the pen-knife across the ends of the bristles, holding the brush in such a position that the ink on the bristles will spatter over the edges of the leaf. Move the brush so the spattering will be even. When the ink has dried lift the leaf from the paper and you will find a white silhouette of it upon a stippled background. In making up pages for a scrapbook, mark off the margin that you
wish to have around each page. Then cover these margins with pieces of paper, lapping the pieces at the cot* ners and weighting them with coina as Indicated in Fig. 1, to protect the margins from the spattering. Arrange the leaves in some such order as that shown in Figs. 2 and 3, or classify them according to their species, and then proceed to spatter them. Yon win find the loose sheets easier to handle than a bound note-boofc. and if you classify the pictures extra sheets containing new varieties can be inserted, at any time between top loose leaves, wherever they belong. Punch the left-hand edges of the loose sheets in three places, and bind them with shoe-laces between cardboard covets.