Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 January 1916 — A Galley o’ Fun! [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

A Galley o’ Fun!

HIS PREFERENCE. ' “A traveling company of more or less merit is going to play Sappho at the Op’ry House tonight, at ten, twenty, and thirty cents admission," remarked the Old Codger, with his usual pessimistlacridity. "But I guess I’ll just stay at home-and smoke in comfort and look at the corset advertisements in the fashion magazines."

Wen, my sister’s got a beau. An’ he comes 'most every night, An* he wants the gas so low That there’s hardly any light! An* Nell likes him lots, I guess, ’Cause she watches on the sly An* takes hours an* hours to dress An* is alius sweet as pie. I must caH him "Mr. Fenn;** An’ NeU calls him “Mister,** too, ’Cept when they’re alone, an* then She keeps gigglin’ at him: "Lew!** But one time I sneaked up near When they thought I wasn’t 'round. An’ I heard her call him “dear” An* a funny kissin’ sound! He can throw a snake-curve ball, An’ can mew an’ bark an’ quack, An’ he doesn't mind at all When I pin things on his back. Often evenin’s when he comes I’m downstairs till after eight While he helps me do my sums, Tho’ Nell fidgets ’cause it’s late. Onct when he was here I said: “Say!’ Why don’t you marry Nell?” An’ they sent me straight to bed 'Fore he had a chance to tell! But I’ll ask again, sometime, ’Cause Miss Sommers wants to know; An’ she says, she’ll bet a dime That he’s only jest a beau!

THE BEST.

Willis —What is the happiest moment of married life? Gillis—When a man throws the pictures of his wife’s relatives out of the family album and fills it up With photographs of his baby Instead.

HONORS.

Customer—l didn’t see as your car won any prize in that race. What are you blowing about? Auto Dealer —Sir! We had a higher percentage of drivers finish alive than any other firm!

The personage toyed with her lorg nettc. "Have you any children?" sh< asked by way of introduction. The Housewife trembled. Dared she confess the truth, with all there was at stake? And still she could not lie. “Yes!” she-faltered faintly. The Parsonage started, stare 1, and at length burst out laughing. “Your honesty,” she protested, “is in such refreshing contrast with much that 1 encounter that, by way of showing my appreciation, I will accept employment with you, provided, # of course, that I shall have Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays free, with the use of the entire lower part of the house at any time to entertain company." That evening the Housewife, in a hushed voice, told her Husband of her great good fortune. He was deeply affected. “Honesty Is the best policy!" he exclaimed, with glistening eyes.

TRAITOR!

_. Hungry Artist—Ah, see what ! have! I was going to buy an' apple for three cents, but finally persuaded the shopkeeper to sell me two for five. Hungrier Ditto—Base churl! I see that even you, too, have caught the sordid spirit of commercialism!

FULLY REPRODUCED.

Hercules was keeping the big stick busy during his famous encounter with the Hydra. But, as you know, every time he struck off one bead, two succeeded it Finally the humor of the situation struck the strong man. "I’m sure giving a correct Imitation of what Charlie Murphy Is doing to New York state!” he chuckled.

First Summer Girl—Oh! I broke off the engagement! He was so unreasonable! Second Summer Girl—lndeed! First Summer Giri —Oh, yes! Why, ho objected on my going to a moonlight drive with another man! He is not skilled in gentle art To please his lady fair; He does not strive to win her heart With flowers sweet and rare. No sonnets ripple from his pen; No moonlight serenade Awakes from dreams —or other men. The shy—and sleepy—maid. No frenzied vows he’ll register. Nor is his love revealed By derring-do for sake of her On any jousting field. When he a-wooing goes. Instead Of stunts like that, he’ll say: “Let’s double up, kid —on the dead, I got a raise today I”

UP TO DATE.

Assistant —Great Scott! This next Issues of ours Is going to be simply rank. It’ll never sell a copy. Editor—Brace up! There’s one thing left to do: Summon the advertising manager and we’ll fake up a scheme to boom the thing as some kind of a “special number.”

ANOTHER USB.

Smith—l didn’t know you owned a motor-car; why these auto goggles! Smyth—My wife has hat-pins.

THE BEAUX.

HONESTY.

EXACTING.