Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 January 1916 — Professor Alex Tansey on Naming the Offspring [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Professor Alex Tansey on Naming the Offspring

By KIN HUBBARD

Professor Alex Tansey addressed th’ Mothers’ Club yisterday, at th’ east o’ th’ Saw mill. Takin’ for his subject. “The’ Namin’ o’ th' Offspring,” th’ Professor arose wearin’ th’ same Prince Albert he graduated in at Ann Arbor, in 1888, an shone like a wounded tarpon flounderin' In th’~Flondy sun. ah’ spoke in part as follows: “Mothers an’ nonproducers, when I see Charles Sumner Moss leanin’ agin’ th’ courthouse fence with his whitewash brush my mind goes back t’ th’ stirrin* days o’ his namesake, that famous American statesman who ‘bp-

posed th’ re-election o’ Grant, in 1872, on account o’ his,Santo Domingo policy. When I see Ulysses Simpson Grant Bud bein’ dragged t’ jail fer stealin’ a ham I am at once reminded o’ th’ capture o’ Ft. Donelson, er th brilliant victory o’ luka, in 1862. An, my friends, when Natalie Jones serves my batter cakes at th’ Little Gem resturint I’m wafted gently back t’ that bright May mornin’ in 1859> . talie, daughter o’ Ivanowitch Kechko, wuz born t’ become th’ Princes Milan, o’ Servia. So I urge that mothers try t’ avoid names with historical associations so that th’ offspring may not be called upon t’ bear thro’ life a name out o’ all harmony with it’s environment er attainments* 7 It’s alius difficult t’ hide our disappointment when we meet a Grover er a Lincoln. They’re so different from what we naturally had in our mind’s eye. ; , —“A mother may be an admirer o Marie Corelli without launchin’ a long legged daughter on th’ sea o’ life weighed down-with~a name HkeTheL ma. O’ course if th’ daughter chooses t’ make snake charmin’ with a circus her life’s work th’ choice is admirable. “We*re list emergin’ from a long siege o" Dorothy’s, an’ all efforts t’ trace th’ wigin o’ th’ craze have been futile. Jist think what a refreshin

novelty it’ll be t’ meet an occasional Lizzie er Maggie in a few years. “Ther’s plenty o’ good ole Democratic names left f select from without drawin’ on our heroes er heroines. Ther’s Jake an’ John an’ Joe er Bill, an’ ther’s Mary an’ Blanche an’ Nellie an’ Ed i th. Th’ only tro üble with Edith is that your daughter is liable t’ change it t’ Edythe ates. We have thousands o' John Smiths but no mother has yet had th’ nerve t’ perpetuate th’ memory o’ Pocahontas, th’ brave Indian maiden that saved th’ bacon o' th’ intrepid

explorer,” said th’ Professor, now growin’ easier an’ gittin’ his subject well in hand. “Think o’ th’ bitter disappointments that await th’ child named Goldie. She’ll need all th’ qualifications in th* human category t’ guide her back safely thro’ th’ snags an’ shoals that imperil th’ voyager down life’s stream." Here th’ Professor recounted many failures among his early acquaintance who had fallen in life’s feverish battle burdened by names that only embarrassed ’em —names that magnified ther Inferiorities an’ impeded ther progress an’ showed ’em up. Continuin’ he said: - - “Somehow we alius gasp when we meet a Norman er a Lionel. We expect t’ see athletes. Mothers, when a boy is born an’ you feel a longin’ t’ call him Norman or Lionel call his father in an’ go over th’ matter carefully t’gether an’ add either Kenneth or Claire t’ which ever name you may select. Then it’s a good plan t’ call him Bud tiU you see how he’a goin’ tl stack up. U he fills out well an” stones th’ neighbors let it go at Norman er Lionel. If he slows down at fifteen an’ shows a tendency toward lawn tennis It shall be your duty t’ choose Kenneth or Claire.” (Protected by Adams Newepaper Servile 4

“When I See Ulysses Simpson Grant Bud Bein’ Dragged t’ Jail for Stealin’ a Ham I Am at Once Reminded o’ th’ capture o’ Ft. Donelson, er th Brilliant Victory o’ luka, in 1862.”