Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 January 1916 — REFORMS [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

REFORMS

By KIN HUBBARD.

Next t’ th’ letter that we longv fer ther haint nothin’ that comes as slow as reforms.

After many anxious years o’ waitin’ two-thirds o’ th’ states o’ th’ Union have passed laws flxin’ th* weight o’ a bushel o’ cowpeas at fifty-six pounds. It has been a tedious process but th’ people won in the end. Fer years th’ prune hogshead stood uncovered near th’ grocery door while th’ tub oysters reclined agin’ th’ hitchin’ rack an’ th’ mackerel barrel wuz th’ prize fly catcher o’ th’ period. It’s a wonder those who went t’ hear Jenny Lind er Henry Clay ever lived t’ tell th’ tale when you think o’ th’ ole-time grocery. Folks used t’ wait patiently fer Saturday t’ come t’ take a bath er depended on musk. It took years an’ years t’ break up th’ ole musk practice. Th’ business men used t’ take ten minutes t’ worry down a heavy dinner an’ indigestion reaped a rich harvest. T’day th’ humblest banker takes three hours. He’s thinkin’ while he eats, but he’s away from th’ din o’ th’ addin’ machines an’ th’ odor o’ musty bills. A feller’s personal ap-

pearance never used t’ occur t’ him till th’ chur6h bells rung er a circus come t’ town, an’ It often took th’ funeral o’ someone near an’ dear t’ make a feller put oil a Prince Albert. A" feller used t’ think that If he had better clothes at home he wuz all set. T’day th’ advantages o’ bein’ dressed up kin hardly be overestimatedif you’re seltm* somethin’. Ther’s a little reform wave t’day that is gatherin’ force from many quarters regardin’ th' free lunch fork. Th’ free lunch fork used t’ make th’ whole world kin, but we're wakin’ up. Fer years we’ve all been usin’ th’ same* fort in friendly rivalry. Sometimes th f prominent merchant has t’ wait ■* Hi r* % '

five minutes on th’ leading drayman, an’ then th’ most pop’lar bill poster has t’ wait on th’ most prominent merchant, who attempts V resign in favor o’ a well-known attorney. It will take some .time t’ break up this practice but sure some more sanitary means should be devised whereby cold slaw an’ beans kin be taken inf th’ stomach.

Girls use t’ shake with fear an’ tremblin’ as they were led t* th* altar. Now they heat you t’ it. Folks use t’ wear thick, soggy flannel under wear an’ dance till daylight in close, stuffy halls without excitin’ comment T’day they’d be put out o’ th’ buildin’.

Right now there is a little undercurrent o’ objection t’ our present day method o’ handlin’ soup. Th’ feelin’ ’ll grow as time goes on an’ finally crystallize itself inf a general revolt an’ become allied with our world wide crusade agin useless noises. It’s bound t’ come. Th’ feller that eats soup like a walrus Is doomed. Why; it wuz as late as th’ eighties before we begun t’ question th’ ad-

visability o’ sideburns. It took heroic work, but t’day you won’t even encounter- a set in th’ felt boot districts. Trousers used t’ be lined as late as seventy years after th’ Declaration o’ American Independence, an’ many o’ us, even t’day, turn purple with rage when we remember how our big toes used t’ get caught in th’ linin’. AfH -tbese reforms took time.——— It is needless t’ call attention t’ th’ women’s clothes o’ t’day. Fer yearn women stuck t’ th’ same ole waist line. T’dtty It fluctuates like an Adani’a apple an’ adds variety an’ excitement an’ rohis th’ pssslh’ show o’ It’s Ole monotony an’ sameness, > (Protected by Adame Newspaper BerMr*}.

“Folk Used t’ Wait Patiently for Saturday t’ Come t’ Take a Bath er Depended on Musk. It Took Years an' Years t' Break Up th' Ole Musk Practice."