Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 January 1916 — Kin Hubbard Essays [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Kin Hubbard Essays

THE QUACK SPECIALIST

By KIN HUBBARD.

Noboddy uz ever so brave that he couldn’ be scared by a quack specialist. A feller kin distinguish himself on th’ field o’ battle er show his courage in a thousan’ different ways an’ yit emerge from a short, crisp consultation with a fat, glossy quack specialist tremblin’ like a dime’s, worth o’ liver. That’s th’ quack specialist’s business. IJe don’t care hoW strong and brave you are. All he asks is a little heart t’ heart, ef'liver t’ liver, talk with you. After a quack specialist gits you in “Elk studio he first sets about t’ git a line on your financial condition an’ he expects you to be Jist as frank an’ honest with him on this subject as you are

when you try t’ describe th’ sharp, dartin’ pain which departs ever’ mornin’ at twenty minutes th’ hour from th’ base o’ your skull an’ runs thro' without change t’ your right heel. He has several ingenious little preliminary questions bearin’ indirectly on your case which he asks, an’ which, if answered truthfully, gives him a fair workin’ clew on your income. No quack specialist in his right mind will disturb a tumor unless ther’s a farm behind it, an’, while ther’s been great progress made in th’ profession o’“Burgery, it’s impossible t’ remove a tumor without disturbin’ th’ farm. However, no feller wuz ever so poor that a quack specialist couldn’t at least remove eight dollars from him fer a bottle o’ brown water. An’ jist t’ make th’ operation seem more difficult he’ll advise you t’ give up terbacker.

A quack specialist with a frock-coat an’ four column beard stopped for two days at th’ New Palace hut-tel last week an’ here’s some o’ th’ questions he asked Tipton Bud, who went t’ consult him: : ——- Do you own any real estate? Are your muscles sore after diggin a cellar? Are you hungry before breakfast? Does eatin’ a Kiefer pear give you a warped view of life? Durin’ th’ heated summer months do you hesitate when confronted with some arduous task? Are you sullen an’ melancholy after you’ve paid fer a one-rib roast? Do you notice heaviness o’ th’ eye-

lids when you try t’ watch a ten-thirty film? Do you awaken with a start when a neighborin’ pianner strikes up after hours f Do you feel a wanin’ inclination t’ fly a kite as th’ years go by? Are you ever seized with indecision when you have your choice o’ two kinds o’ soup? Do you ever notice a low, muffled gurgle in th’ region o’ th’ pipes that carry th’ air back t’ tlr* lobes o’ th’ lungs while plowin’? So what could Tipton Bud do? I wuz up t’ him t’ either linger along fer another week er, begin treatment at once. He didn’ know nothin’ ’bout th’ connection o’ th’ anastomosis o’ th’ capillary extremities o’ th’ vena cova with those o’ th’ portal vein an’ he wua in no mood t’ take chances.

“He Don’t Care How Strong and Brave You Are. All He Asks Is a Little Heart to’ Heart, er Liver t' Liver, Talk With You."