Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 January 1916 — Page 2

CAP and BELLS

UTTLE BOY WAS DESPERATE Jack, Completely Out of Patience With Whole Tribe of Women, Calls on Father for HelpJack disliked being kissed. One tfay he was kissed a lot. Then, to make matters worse; on going to the picture palace in the evening, instead of his favorite Indian and cowboy pictures, there was nothing but a lot more hugging and kissing. He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of women. ‘ ' After he had been tucked into bed his mother came to kiss him goodnight. He refused. Mother begged and begged till at last, in disgust, he turned to his father, who was standing in the doorway, and said: “Daddy, for heaven’s sake, give this woman a kiss!"

>s No Cause for Alarm. The Pessimist —It is only a matter of time until the laaduia this country not produce enough to support the increasing population. The Optimist—Oh, don’t let that worry you. Our population isn’t going to slop over so long as our medical colleges continue _to turn out more than 7,000 embryS physicians annually. I The True Reason. “People say this man could have had any office he wanted, but.he chose private life.” “Don’t you believe that, my son,” said the veteran campaigner. “Many a man gets the credit for refusing all political preferment when, as a matter of fact, he merely had sense enough to know that he could not get the one job he’d set his heart on.” Might Be Worse. “You see before you,” said the melancholy man, “a. plaything of fate.” “What’s the matter with you?” asked his friend. “I was just about to mortgage my house to buy an automobile, when it burned down.” “Umph! You’ve lost your house, but the chances are you’ve saved ydpr neck.” Recommendation Not Necessary,. “So you’re going to leave us, Mary.” "Yes, mum. I’ve got to.“' “And do you to give you a letter of recommendation?” “It ain’t necessary, mum. The man I’m going to work for is willing to take chances. I’m leavin’ to get married.” Pacific Ambition, “Caligula wished that Rome had a ~ - single neck, so that he -might sever it at a blow. “Times are different. Now I wish that I could build a graphophone big though to record the voice of the people.” A DAINTY DISH.

, "What's that noise?”, , j “Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie, your majesty.” J “Take ’em back to the chef and tell him to bake ’em till they don’t feel like singing. I can’t eat rare birds.” » Quite True. Wise —Mrs. Brooks says society is hollow—that there isn’t anything in it. „ Husband->-Well, there isn’t anything f in anything nowadays, my dear, if you don't put something in it.—^hidge. * , Naturally. Lawson —What did you think; when ybu realized that your automobile'was turnnte turtle the dther day * Dawson—Well, my first thought wa«: 1 am,in the soup.

DOING MORE THAN HIS SHARE

Laborer at Bottom of Well Not Willing to Perform Work of Ten y —Rather Give Orders.

Two laborers were engaged to deepen a well which had become dry, One of them sent his mate down into the Well .while he sat at the top and directed the work. i He first ordered the other man to “dig a bit on this side,” then “dfg a little more on that side,” until the latter, tired of both the work and th 6 orders, exclaimed: “You sit up there and use your tongue while I have to do all the work! ” * . “One man here giving directions,” said the man at the top, “can do as much as ten men down there.” Thereupon his mate threw down his pick and climbed up beside the other man. “What are you doing here?” inquired the latter. “Two taen up here,” answered Us. mate, “can do as much as twenty down there.”

- Wistful Waiting. “Care much for fishing?” “No,” replied the melancholy man. “It’s great sport.” “I haven’t found it so. In fact, it has a very bad effect on me.” “Impossible!” “True, nevertheless. Fish seldom bite fast enough to require my undivided attention and the longer I sit and watch a cork the more I’m inclined to brood over my troubles.” A Corpulent One. “It’s rather curious about the Gadsbys.” “Yes?” “They have a family skeleton.” f “Nearly all families do.” “But the funny part about it is that the Gadsbys family skeleton relative of Mr. Gadsby, who once traveled about the country as a fat woman in a side show.” ONLY THING LEFT.

“George, dear, the cook we took without a recommendation has left us.”

“I suppose that is because we are among the. things she didn’t consider of sufficient value to take with her.”

Can’t Charge Admission. “Scadson believes in getting his qioney’s worth.” “He doesn’t always succeed, though.” “I thought him rather shrewd.” “Oh, the man who swaps dollars with him usually pays 20 per cent for the privilege, but whenever Mrs. Scadson gives a party, so far as Scadson is concerned, it’s a dead loss.” Gosh, How He Dreads It! “When your wife gets the ballot, are you prepared to accompany her to the polls?” “Not yet,” answered the timorous man. “But give me a little time. I’m gradually screwing up my courage to. the sticking point, for it is already settled that I’m to be her escort.” Delaying the Count. “Do you think mirrors will be placed in voting booths, for the woman voter?” “I hardly think so,” replied the practical politician. “It would mean that every woman voter* would spend at least ,half an hour in a booth and at that rate an election would require a week or more.” * Mercenary Motive. “What was the subject of the lecturer’.s address?” . 2 *• 'Peace at Any Price/” „ —*■—- “Did he prove his case?” **No. The audience wa s rather small and he cut out some of his most eloquent periods because he failed to get ftis price.”

What We’ve Come To. “In the old days when a man declared himself a Bornan citizen no one dared harm him.” “True. And nowadays when a traveler in a foreign land says he’s an American citizen, officials in gold braid seem to think it’s some kind of joke.”

Nothing But Frowns. “Frown at the world and it frowns back. Smile, and you get a smile in return.” ' “I dunno about that. I’ve had that last part fall to work when trying it on a pretty girl.” L Of Course. A ■ ' “That is* an old. grump. He’d be sour if you vrent to him tyith a golden opportunity*?* ~ “Well, a golden opportunity might to be able to stand a little acid.” ■ l Taking Life Eafey. “How’s your.eonV” •• “Fine! 3-le’s taking life easy slue* he graduated.” .-crasssfes—- ■ “What's he doing?” '‘Sticking- pigs atthe abattoir

THfc EVENING REPUBLICAN, ftENSSELAER, IND.

ELAINE’S GARDEN

By CLARISSA MACKIE. It was such a hopeless looking garden! Rather, it was a neglected back yard criss-crossed with clotheslines, bounded by two neat brick walls on either side and, a shabby brick laundry shed at the back which gave upon an alley. The rear of Mrs. Frick’s boarding house formed the fourth' boundary, and from her window on the fourth floor Elaine Rogers could look down on the bleak squalidness of the neglected rectangle and compare it, most unfavorably, with the green loveliness of the one next door. “ Why don’t ! have a garden ’’’ Mrs. Frick replied when Elaine questioned her. She laughed harshly. “And who would be getting three meals a day, eh? Suppose you all came in to dinner and found no dinner at all and me mincing''abound in a garden! ‘Come into my garden and eat by smelling of my flowers!’ I’d say, Humph!” she ended contemptuously.

Elaine said no more about gardens, but she continued to look wistfully down at the neglected space and dream of what might by done with it if— '

. “if i had money enough,” she sighed, but there never was money enough to spare from her salary as kindergarten teacher. Elaine-was quite alone in the world and this was her first year at self-support. She had not known that boarding houses could be so drear, food so unappetizing, landladies so hardened to anything that ajfproached beauty.

“How absurd I mn!” she exclaimed. “Sitting here and wishing will not bring things to me. I must go out after them. Now, shall I attack Mrs. Frick’s back yard. No! But I can have a window garden of my very own and this southern exposure will be just the thing.” The next Saturday found Elaine, singing like a lark, arranging pots of geraniums and ferns and ivy on the wide sill of her solitary window. She had placed the last plant and was leaning out to arrange some falling sprays of ivy when something happened —something that brought a frightened exclamation from her lips and caused the young man walking in the garden next door to glance up with~-a-startled expression, of his pale face. The tiniest Sotted geranium of a sweet-smelling variety went hurtling down toward him. “Look out!” warned Elaine, but he did not move and the little flower pot sped to its mark between his eyes.

Elaine covered her own eyes for a moment. WJien she withdrew her hands the man* was lying prostrate and a man-servant was bending over him.

Elaine flew down the stairs to the front sidewalk and hastened into the area of the house next door. Here all was specklessly neat and bearing evidence of well-to-do occupants. She rang the basement bell and a flurriedlooking maid admitted her. “A flower pot fell from my window and I am afraid it has injured the young man who was in the garden,” hurriedly explained Elaine. The maid nodded. “Mr. Arthur Is In the dining room, miss. James is dressing the wound while he waits for the doctor.” • - • “Oh, is he so badly hurt?” breathed Elaine. “It bleeds frightfully, miss. It struck him fairly between the eyes,”, explained the girl. “It seems so strange that he did not move out of the way. He seemed to be looking straight at it.” “Mr. Arthur is blind, miss,” said the maid gravely. "Blihd!” cried Elaine pityingly. “Oh, no —how dreadful!” There was a murmur of voices in the next room and a man appeared with a roll of bandages in his hand. “Mr. Arthur wishes to know who is here, Mary?” he said. “The- young lady next door. She came to see if he was badly hurt. It was her flower pot that fell.”: “Please ask her to come in here, Mary,” said a man’s impatient voice, and in response the three of them hastened t 6 'enter the open door of the dining room. Elaine’s victim was lying on a broad leather-covered couch and James skillful hands had neatly bandaged his eyes. Elaine could only see a fine forehead, with dark hair brushed smoothly back, the end of a handsome nose and firm, well-cut lips. «I am so sorry!” she breathed impetuously. * “That’s the voice!” he cried excitedly. “You were singing,’*' hie went on eagerly. ~ "*, “Yes,” she replied. - ~ “You sounded so happy —I was wishing I could see you—my confounded eyes—” he ended abruptly. “And I have made them worse,” trembled Elaine, very near tears. “Hardly—the earth and the plant were loosened from the pot and struck me first, breaking the blow of the pot itself. Doctor Hurd will fix that up in a trice. Tell me what you were doing, please.” Elaine sat down and told him about her window garden and how it had geen inspiredby his own well-kept j plot next door. He listened eagerly and nodded his head many times as if he understood Just how she felt about boarding houses and back yards thajt ought to be gardens and persisted In being back yards. By the time she had finished, the •-* • > -

doctor arrived and she listened palpitatingly to his report. “A bad bruise —it won’t help the eyes any,” growled the physician. Elaine turned go. There was nothing she could do save to express her contrition for the accident*- The doctor looked at her severely, the maid was quite haughty and James wore a look of stern disapproval. The door behind her and then Arthur Pierce lifted his head. “Who went out?” he demanded sharply. “The young lad 7,” murmured the maid. “She didn’t say'anything,” protested Arthur; “she went away without a word.” ' “She was crying, I think, sir,” explained Mary. “Crying—and for me?” He jumped up add paced the floor restlessly. Later in the day, he told Mary to go and ask Mrs. ErickjTor the name of the girl who had tfie window garden. Mrs. Frick cheerfully supplied the name, but of Elaine’s present whereabouts she professed profound ignorance. “I told her I wouldn’t have any messing around with flowers and that my neighbors would be suing me for damages what with her carelessness in dropping flower pots about, and so she packed her trunk and went away —good riddance I say.” When Mary repeated this conversation to her master, Arthur frowned blackly. “If I hadn’t been out there listening to her singing, the pot would not have landed between my inquisitive eyes,” he groaned.

Three times during the ensuing week Elaine telephoned an inquiry concerning Arthur’s injury, and when Mary told her the last time that all traces of its had disappeared the inquiries ceased. It was six months after that when Arthur Pierce w r alking through the street heard Elaine’s voice once more. She was singing the same song and with her voice there blended a score of childish trebles.

The kindergarten was a tiny, lowroofed building, with casement windows opening upon a sunny garden. Arthur leaped the fence and crossed the grass to the, open window. With arms on the sill and his hat tucked under his arm, he listened, staring with all his might at the girl whose face he had never seen before, but whose voice had charmed him by its sweetness during long hours while he had gone about with eyes bandaged after a delicate operation to save his vision. '• t Now he could actually see her and she was as fair as her voice. He used to marvel how anyone ‘ could live in Mrs. Frick’s dreary domain and sing so cheerily. Round-eyed children eyed him with amusement as they sang and it was a gurgle of merriment that attracted Elaine’s attention. Her voice ended suddenly and the childish voices trailed into ..silence.

“What do you want?” she asked gravelly.' : .. '■

“I heard your voice singing,” he said humbly, “and I wanted to actually see you.” “Oh, are you Mr. Pierce. Won't you come in?”

He came in and Elaine gave him a seat on the low platform.

“You can see?” she said gladly. He explained the nature of his temporary blindness. “I’m glad it happened,” he said Utmtly. “If it hadn’t I never should have met you.” “Some day I shall have a real garden —with worms and caterpillars and everything,” she laughed to cover her confusion. “I’m sure you will,” he said with sudden gravity. The next day he bought an oldfashioned place in the suburbs. For months he supervised its repairs and remodeling, and one October day he took Elaine to see it and asked her to be his wife. “I really can’t resist this lovely garden,” she said, with a happy smile. (Copyright, 1915, by McClure Newspaper Syndicate.)

Should It Be True?

Here’s some strange news. A scientist says that women are talking less, and if the decline keeps up the women of 2900 will forget to use their only weapon. “Women are not the persistent, animated conversationalists fhkf they were twenty years ago,” says the learned man. “Take, for instance; women in restaurants and at public places of all kinds, where they are seen freely moving about with men. Everywhere you see the men taking not only their own share in the conversation, but 'even leading it in many cases. At receptions, too, and at public dinners; the fair sex seems, for some time now, to be letting the reins of conversation slip from their hands. One explanation for this queer state of afTairs is that women, with their growing interest in outside doings, in business and'politics and in the strenuous pursuits of careers independent of men, are becoming more and more self-absorbed.” And only t£e other day a mairtnted for separation because his wife had a habit of waking him up in the dead of night to nag him.

Remote Possibility.

"Gadson is a crank about chimneys. He has all sorts of more or less artlstic cfirmneys rising from his country home.” ~7~ “What’s the idea?" “I don’t know, but he seems to be an optimist.” “In what particular?** • “He evidently .doesn’t think his place will ever be a target fqr ZeppeTi Ik" L ,~: ~' sz* " *?**?.:*': ~ . - Ims.

Kin Hubbard Essays

THE QUACK SPECIALIST

Noboddy uz ever so brave that he couldn’ be scared by a quack specialist. A feller kin distinguish himself on th’ field o’ battle er show his courage in a thousan’ different ways an’ yit emerge from a short, crisp consultation with a fat, glossy quack specialist tremblin’ like a dime’s, worth o’ liver. That’s th’ quack specialist’s business. IJe don’t care hoW strong and brave you are. All he asks is a little heart t’ heart, ef'liver t’ liver, talk with you. After a quack specialist gits you in “Elk studio he first sets about t’ git a line on your financial condition an’ he expects you to be Jist as frank an’ honest with him on this subject as you are

“He Don’t Care How Strong and Brave You Are. All He Asks Is a Little Heart to’ Heart, er Liver t' Liver, Talk With You."

when you try t’ describe th’ sharp, dartin’ pain which departs ever’ mornin’ at twenty minutes th’ hour from th’ base o’ your skull an’ runs thro' without change t’ your right heel. He has several ingenious little preliminary questions bearin’ indirectly on your case which he asks, an’ which, if answered truthfully, gives him a fair workin’ clew on your income. No quack specialist in his right mind will disturb a tumor unless ther’s a farm behind it, an’, while ther’s been great progress made in th’ profession o’“Burgery, it’s impossible t’ remove a tumor without disturbin’ th’ farm. However, no feller wuz ever so poor that a quack specialist couldn’t at least remove eight dollars from him fer a bottle o’ brown water. An’ jist t’ make th’ operation seem more difficult he’ll advise you t’ give up terbacker.

Next t’ th’ letter that we longv fer ther haint nothin’ that comes as slow as reforms.

After many anxious years o’ waitin’ two-thirds o’ th’ states o’ th’ Union have passed laws flxin’ th* weight o’ a bushel o’ cowpeas at fifty-six pounds. It has been a tedious process but th’ people won in the end. Fer years th’ prune hogshead stood uncovered near th’ grocery door while th’ tub oysters reclined agin’ th’ hitchin’ rack an’ th’ mackerel barrel wuz th’ prize fly catcher o’ th’ period. It’s a wonder those who went t’ hear Jenny Lind er Henry Clay ever lived t’ tell th’ tale when you think o’ th’ ole-time grocery. Folks used t’ wait patiently fer Saturday t’ come t’ take a bath er depended on musk. It took years an’ years t’ break up th’ ole musk practice. Th’ business men used t’ take ten minutes t’ worry down a heavy dinner an’ indigestion reaped a rich harvest. T’day th’ humblest banker takes three hours. He’s thinkin’ while he eats, but he’s away from th’ din o’ th’ addin’ machines an’ th’ odor o’ musty bills. A feller’s personal ap-

“Folk Used t’ Wait Patiently for Saturday t’ Come t’ Take a Bath er Depended on Musk. It Took Years an' Years t' Break Up th' Ole Musk Practice."

pearance never used t’ occur t’ him till th’ chur6h bells rung er a circus come t’ town, an’ It often took th’ funeral o’ someone near an’ dear t’ make a feller put oil a Prince Albert. A" feller used t’ think that If he had better clothes at home he wuz all set. T’day th’ advantages o’ bein’ dressed up kin hardly be overestimatedif you’re seltm* somethin’. Ther’s a little reform wave t’day that is gatherin’ force from many quarters regardin’ th' free lunch fork. Th’ free lunch fork used t’ make th’ whole world kin, but we're wakin’ up. Fer years we’ve all been usin’ th’ same* fort in friendly rivalry. Sometimes th f prominent merchant has t’ wait ■* Hi r* % '

By KIN HUBBARD.

A quack specialist with a frock-coat an’ four column beard stopped for two days at th’ New Palace hut-tel last week an’ here’s some o’ th’ questions he asked Tipton Bud, who went t’ consult him: : ——- Do you own any real estate? Are your muscles sore after diggin a cellar? Are you hungry before breakfast? Does eatin’ a Kiefer pear give you a warped view of life? Durin’ th’ heated summer months do you hesitate when confronted with some arduous task? Are you sullen an’ melancholy after you’ve paid fer a one-rib roast? Do you notice heaviness o’ th’ eye-

lids when you try t’ watch a ten-thirty film? Do you awaken with a start when a neighborin’ pianner strikes up after hours f Do you feel a wanin’ inclination t’ fly a kite as th’ years go by? Are you ever seized with indecision when you have your choice o’ two kinds o’ soup? Do you ever notice a low, muffled gurgle in th’ region o’ th’ pipes that carry th’ air back t’ tlr* lobes o’ th’ lungs while plowin’? So what could Tipton Bud do? I wuz up t’ him t’ either linger along fer another week er, begin treatment at once. He didn’ know nothin’ ’bout th’ connection o’ th’ anastomosis o’ th’ capillary extremities o’ th’ vena cova with those o’ th’ portal vein an’ he wua in no mood t’ take chances.

REFORMS

By KIN HUBBARD.

five minutes on th’ leading drayman, an’ then th’ most pop’lar bill poster has t’ wait on th’ most prominent merchant, who attempts V resign in favor o’ a well-known attorney. It will take some .time t’ break up this practice but sure some more sanitary means should be devised whereby cold slaw an’ beans kin be taken inf th’ stomach.

Girls use t’ shake with fear an’ tremblin’ as they were led t* th* altar. Now they heat you t’ it. Folks use t’ wear thick, soggy flannel under wear an’ dance till daylight in close, stuffy halls without excitin’ comment T’day they’d be put out o’ th’ buildin’.

Right now there is a little undercurrent o’ objection t’ our present day method o’ handlin’ soup. Th’ feelin’ ’ll grow as time goes on an’ finally crystallize itself inf a general revolt an’ become allied with our world wide crusade agin useless noises. It’s bound t’ come. Th’ feller that eats soup like a walrus Is doomed. Why; it wuz as late as th’ eighties before we begun t’ question th’ ad-

visability o’ sideburns. It took heroic work, but t’day you won’t even encounter- a set in th’ felt boot districts. Trousers used t’ be lined as late as seventy years after th’ Declaration o’ American Independence, an’ many o’ us, even t’day, turn purple with rage when we remember how our big toes used t’ get caught in th’ linin’. AfH -tbese reforms took time.——— It is needless t’ call attention t’ th’ women’s clothes o’ t’day. Fer yearn women stuck t’ th’ same ole waist line. T’dtty It fluctuates like an Adani’a apple an’ adds variety an’ excitement an’ rohis th’ pssslh’ show o’ It’s Ole monotony an’ sameness, > (Protected by Adame Newspaper BerMr*}.