Evening Republican, Volume 20, Number 5, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 January 1916 — GOOD JOKES [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GOOD JOKES

- ■CHTOTNUT fcfAVES.

Gl-iddo—Cumso is a dry joker, isn’t he? They say he keeps his jokes in a humidor. Kiddo —I know he does. I smoked one of them the other night. When Friends Butt In. His friends say: "What can he sde In that awkward -maiden, slim?” Her friends say: “What a silly girl To throw away on him!" -Great Sufferer. “So you belonged to the Shut-In Bociety for many years?” *Yes, mum,” replied the tattered applicant for breakfast. “Poor man! I’ve been an invalid myself. Did you suffer much?” "Yes, mum. Dere wuznt er warden or er guard on de place dat didn’t give me er pain ever, time I looked at im.”

Jarring the Hostess. “So glad to haVe you here,” murmured the hostess, who hadn’t noticed him before. “You have certainly been the life of tho party all the evening.” “I can hardly believe that.”, “That is due to modesty. 1 ’ H "No.; it 15 due to the fact that I have but this minute arrived.” Complete Convert. “What are your views on the subject of woman suffrage?” “I’m for it.” replied Senator Sorghum. “And if women get the vote I hope they'll go a step further and take the privilege away from a lot of the men who have been misusing it” Washington Star. His Views. “Then you have no castles in America?” "Not. yet.” “You mean things are tending that way?” "Well, it seems to be sometimes that some people are trying to fy us according to the automobiles we own.” She Wasn’t Urged. “Was Miss Yowler prevailed upon to sing last night?” “No.” “Then she didn’t sing?” “Oh, yes—four or five songs.” “But you just said—” “According to one definition in the dictionary, the verb "prevail” means to urge.”

A Simple Solution. “We’ll never quarrel, will we, Henry?” “Never, dear." “All you will have to do will be to let me have my way.’ 1 “Huh! How about my way?” “That will be all right if your way happens to be my way, too/’ Getting First News. “Whafare your reasons for wanting to be appointed postmaster of your village? The pay isn’t much.” * “No,” replied Farmer Corntossel. “But 1 kind o’ thought as long as Si S’.mlin bad been gettin’ first go at our postal cards fur years, it was only fair for me an’ ma to have our turn at theirs.” Getting to a Busy Man. “It’s a mistake to call on a busy man at his office if you can possibly avoid it.” “That’s right. Go out and ring him up on the telephone. If you call and send in yoyr card, he hasn’t the slightest cariosity to know who is trying to talk to him.” As Defined. “What *s, love?” asked the very young man after the manner of his kind. “Love,” answered the man with the absent hair, “is an obsession that causes two otherwise sane young people to leate their happy homes and become flat dwellers.”

No Wonder. "Is your neighbor a man for peace?” „ > “On the contrary, I have reason to think that he believes in the mailed hand.” “What reason - fi that?” "JSe’B ,«t. Eastman,”. * ; An Injustice. Biggs —I understand that Higgins is quite a clever financier. Diggs—Nonsense! Why, I don’t believe tnat man ever beat anybody out Of a gent in hip life, .’. . " _ . ■ ;

- ,-tX. SARCASTIC. “1 wish to thank you for your great forbearance,” said the dep&rting guest. “Oh— er —don’t mention it,’’ answered the proprietor, with a slightly puzzled look. “I’m glad you’re pleased.” “Yes," continued the d. g., “considering the rapacity of the attendants in this hotel, I deem myself fortunate in not'being Tockod in my room and held for ransom.” A Perfectly Good Husband. Two small boys belonging to the divorce, colony in (.Reno, Nev., met on the street one day. Billy's mamma, a divorcee, had just married the exhusband of another divorcee. "So you’ve feot a new papa, Billy,” remarked Harry. “Yes,” rejoiced Billy. “Mamma found a perfectly good husband that some other lady threw away.”—Judge. Avoiding Trouble. “This scientist claims that oysters have emotions and that these same emotions affect those who eat oysters. To eat an oyster when the bivalve is angry, for instance, would Be apt to make you ill. A lonely oyster Is apt to affect your digestion.” "A lonely oyster, eh? I’ll be careful hereafter when I order a stew.” NO DOUBT.

“Reggy’s wife has sued him tor a divorce.” “Will she marry again or go back to the stage?” “Yes.” Degrees. Tlie way some fellows (Just a few), For a degree, at college, sweat, * Heads one to think they’re working foe Temperature, instead, you bet. Getting Even. “DUbwaite exasperates me.” “What’s wrong with Dubwaite?” “You know his mania for telling old Jokes?” “Oh, yes.” “When I don’t laugh he acts as if he thought they were over my head.” . Fiction. Editor (to contributor) —Why don’t you make your story true to life? Contrib. —What’s the matter with it? Ed. —What’s the matter with it? Why, here you say that “there was the sound of a shot, and immediately this street swarmed with policemen.” —Judge. “ . How to Make It Pay. “Is this a problem play?” “Yes, but you can’t see the problem.” i “Why not?" “The manager is wrestling with it in the box office.” NO DOUBT ABOUT IT\

“Are you sure your chauffeur can be trusted?” “Yes, sir. .We belong to the same college fraternity/’ -r? - . . Safety In'Stiidy. New laws should play a helpful part As valiantly they make ’em. The matt who learns ’em all by heart Will have ho time to break ’em. I"*J —— —— Profiting by the Advice. “ ’Neither a borrower nor a lender be,’ ” he quoted. “Shakespeare abounds in sapient sayings.” "He does so.” 1, "And he gives excellent advice, too. I love to read it. I wonder where i could borrow a copy.” ’ .'• : Cause tor Action. Hyker—l understand Newpop is suing his wife for divorce. /. Pyker—Because, why? Hyker—Because she insists Off naming the baby after her first husband.